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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DH is considering giving up on contact

56 replies

BabylonPoo · 09/09/2014 22:43

DH has a 7 and 8 yr old, I have a 7 yr old, we have a 2 yr old together and I'm heavily pregnant. His exW hates the idea of my DSC being part of our family and has made endless attempts to damage contact - moving without telling us, telling them DH picked us over them, telling them to be mean and spiteful to our DC and so on.

It has been to court and DH was awarded a measly one night eow. ExW claims one child needs counselling and the other has a tic because they're so traumatised at being with us/away from her. She packs photos of herself and secret phones, whispers in their ear and makes them cry at collection and makes them feel guilty if they say anything about us. She's asked for cafcass to investigate because she claims the children hate contact, but when they're here they are (mostly) very happy and asking to stay.

Recently, she's been getting one or both DCs to phone and tell DH they want to miss contact because X,Y,Z is happening at mums house. When he says no, they're in floods of tears and exW gives him lots of abuse for upsetting them. She then reminds them what they're missing at collection so they'll be upset again and encourages them to be horrid here so he might send them back home.

This weekend it's my DDs birthday. We've booked a weekend away at Alton Towers for us and all DC. DHs DC rang yesterday saying there's a christening they want to go to on Sunday and demanding that he returns them Saturday evening (after collecting them Sat morning!) We areaalready driving two hours extra to collect them and DH would miss most of Saturday if he returned them. He said no, but DC were both crying and screaming that they'll refuse to come if he doesn't do as they say and his DD made a snide comment that if she's going to be miserable and not get to do what she wants then she'll be making sure my DD has a miserable birthday. My DD adores DSD but is bought to tears her cruelty often. Being cooped up in a hotel room with two sulking DSC is going to ruin her birthday.

Now they're back at school there's likely to be parties most weekends which they'll ask to miss contact for and kick off if he says no. ExW won't let him take them to parties. He feels like he either has to manhandle screaming crying DC into the car andput up with them bbeing vile all weekend if there was something else they could've been doing, or else arrive to collect them and accept that they refuse to go, thereby meaning exW has breached the order by not encouraging contact and then hopefully there'll be some consequences for her eventually.

I think DH just feels like an interference in their life as exW is making it all be so traumatic for them. Of course he'll try and get his point across to CAFCASS but it's been six years since separation now and her games are getting worse all the time, to the detriment of both DSC and our DC.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice?

OP posts:

olgaga · 09/09/2014 23:08

Give those kids a break. They obviously don't want to be in your "blended" family. They have their own.

Your DH is right.

EverythingCounts · 09/09/2014 23:13

I can see how it's very very difficult to keep up any significant contact but it is quite a step to give it up altogether. Even if he gets only the one day EOW, could he persevere with that? I can see the Alton Towers trip isn't going to work, sadly, but maybe at a lower level it can be maintained until they're older and will have a more rounded view of things.

PicandMinx · 09/09/2014 23:15

I agree. The DC were very young when their parents split up. They are miserable staying with you. Let them go and concentrate on your own family.

runawaysimba · 09/09/2014 23:19

Really? People are seriously agreeing that this man should walk away from his children? I agree that the ex-wife sounds awful but that is only a reason to try to maintain a relationship, however difficult.
I'm sorry I can't offer more advice, but I know there will be more experienced posters along soon, but please don't give up on these children.

runawaysimba · 09/09/2014 23:19

And what Everything Counts said.

Original poster

BabylonPoo · 09/09/2014 23:26

When exW hasn't been in their ear about parties etc (I.e. When she needs a babysitter) the DC come bounding out full of smiles and excitement. They aren't miserable here, they are manipulated constantly by their mum.

OP posts:

EverythingCounts · 09/09/2014 23:30

Then hang on to that even if you don't get it as often as you would like. You are in this for the long haul. I know it's been 6 years already, but in 10 years' time they will have totally free choice about how much time they spend with you and then they will remember that their dad stuck it out even though their mum was being unreasonable. It might be that you have to accept less contact and not have the family plans that you would ideally like for all of you together, but that's very different to walking away from them altogether. Hopefully posters who have been through it can support you.

PicandMinx · 09/09/2014 23:31

Do you want them to be part of your family OP? You say your DD cries because of his DD's cruelty and then there is the threat of the ruined birthday.

basgetti · 09/09/2014 23:31

Has he had continuous contact with them in the last 6 years? Just wondering has something changed to cause the animosity or has it always been like this?

Original poster

BabylonPoo · 09/09/2014 23:37

It's always been like this, basgetti. When they were younger they were told not to share with DD, to hit her and pinch her when we weren't looking etc. Now they're older it's mocking her about her weight, speech, abilities etc. When they get on they're like the best of friends but DSD will suddenly turn extremely nasty for no good reason and it bewilders DD who will forgive her at the drop of a hat so DSD never learns.

OP posts:

GaryShitpeas · 09/09/2014 23:38

I can't believe posters are saying, yeah let him walk away from his dc

Fuck sake

Op-Fgs don't let him give up. Never. I speak from bitter experience.

basgetti · 09/09/2014 23:40

Sounds difficult. If it's only one visit a fortnight is it possible for your DH to spend time with them on his own? It isn't ideal but they would get to have time with their Dad and your DD wouldn't have to go through that.

ZenNudist · 09/09/2014 23:40

Surely your dd 'a birthday trip can be rearranged to a date the sdc can't come . If they don't want to come.

I don't think he should give up contact. Persistence will pay off. You should be supporting him at sticking with it. Play the long game to show he's always there for them. Fight to get more time together. This matters.

You seem more concerned that having sdc is affecting your family set up, which isn't fair when you knew he had dc when he met you.

feathermucker · 09/09/2014 23:44

Hang in there OP and please don't let your DH give up.

Maybe he can talk to CAFCASS etc to put his point across; it does sound like they've been horribly manipulated by the ExW

olgaga · 09/09/2014 23:44

Agree with basgeti. They want to see their dad, not be roped in to another family.

If you can't both accommodate that one day a fortnight, that's very sad.

Original poster

BabylonPoo · 09/09/2014 23:49

They don't want time alone with him - that's the problem. The first thing they ask is where DC and I are, they want us all together and to play with DD but can't do so without being horrible, mostly. Younger DC need to have a sibling relationship too, so us all being separate isn't an option.

OP posts:

olgaga · 09/09/2014 23:56

What children say and what they mean aren't always the same thing. Their behaviour shows you what they mean.

Tell your DH to step up and be a proper devoted dad to them one day a fortnight. "Blend" your family when they are ready - it's not about what the grown ups want.

basgetti · 09/09/2014 23:58

Well you all being separate will happen anyway if he decides to give up contact. So surely trying some one to one time with them first would be preferable to that?

AlpacaMyBags · 10/09/2014 00:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

basgetti · 10/09/2014 00:04

How long hadn't he seen them before he went to court? If they haven't seen him for a while it may be hard for them to adjust to a new family environment.

itsbetterthanabox · 10/09/2014 00:39

The kids shouldn't be calling to arrange contact. That needs to be between your partner and his exw. That needs to stop. Contact needs to be non negotiable except for special reasons and organised between the parents not the children!
Also when he does see them they shouldn't just have to hang out with you and your kids. He should do things with them on his own too. Cutting contact is totally wrong, I can't believe you would support that especially as you have also had children with him. Imagine if he did that to yours.

riverboat1 · 10/09/2014 07:54

It sounds totally shit OP.

I am surprised that some comments seem to be implying it's all your fault for trying to blend families and daring to organise nice family treats such as weekends at Alton Towers.

Do you think it would make a difference to the children's attitude to coming / the ex's efforts to dissuade them, if the routine became for them to just do something with their dad during the day? I think it's much more desirable to NOT separate the two parts of the family like this, but seeing as it isn't working so far maybe you could try it? On the other hand, nothing in your post suggests that that is specifically the issue, it seems the ex just wants them 100% of the time rather than sharing them with anyone whether that be their dad or their dad and you. But could be worth a try if it is actually possible/practically given you only have one house between you.

ItsFunnierInEnochian · 10/09/2014 08:06

She sounds like a horror bag and exactly the same as my Mum. My Dad gave up after he was hospitalised due to illness due to the stress he was under. Eg underweight with a stomach ulcer because of all the legal fees he wasn't eating and she carried on ignoring court orders and being very abusive. She took great delight in telling us she was right and didn't love us etc. I didn't know about the illess until later. 4 years went by and I went to his house myself as he had moved to the other end of our town so that we could seek him out ourselves. Which I did. He thought I'd be angry but in fact I said I was proud he had stuck it out for so long as I remembered everything and how horrible she was.

As an adult I am NC with my mother and very close to my father. I don't like my ex but not once have I ever said anything bad about him to our children and I cannot wrap my head around women who get joy from upsetting their children. Its vile.

Don't have any real advice but thought I'd throw my childhood experience out there.

WakeyCakey45 · 10/09/2014 08:21

OP, I could have written your post. In fact, I have posted almost identically on several occasions over the years.

We have been on a horrendous journey as a family, involving counsellors, court cases, allegations, police, social services....but the end result has not been positive.

There is no solution, there is no right answer and there is no way to change your DSC mum.
We have reached another period of relative stability. DHs older DD is currently N/C with us both (she's ping ponged back and forth between homes and families for several years). DHs DS has contact for 4 hours a fortnight - DH fulfils the role his DCs mum expects; turns up, takes DSS out, treats him, and drops him home. A classic, uninvolved, weekend dad. DSS refuses to come to our home (where he has his own room and used to share with us one week in three), and will have nothing to do with me. He has told CAFCASS that is because his mum doesn't like it.

It is inevitable that things will become unstable again, for one reason or another. Because things have been so disruptive and dramatic, I have set down a non negotiable. No matter what happens, my DD will not have anything to do with her DSSibs. If necessary, DH and I will live apart. It is the only way to protect her.

Caterpillarmum · 10/09/2014 08:31

Silly woman, this will all blow up I'm her face as they get older. Kids are not stupid and will start to figure out what's going on. Classic parental alienation syndrome by the sound of it.

Do you have the means to go back to court and challenge her interference with contact?

Might be good for your DH to see them on their own for the time being whether they like it or not. Maybe they will come to realise what they are missing out on if they enjoy time with your DC. It will also take away the ex 's ammunition if it's just him. Your kids sound like they need a break as well. But don't stop contact.

Keep a log book with text messages etc so you can demonstrate a pattern of interference with contact.

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