DH is considering giving up on contact

[BabylonPoo]

DH has a 7 and 8 yr old, I have a 7 yr old, we have a 2 yr old together and I'm heavily pregnant. His exW hates the idea of my DSC being part of our family and has made endless attempts to damage contact - moving without telling us, telling them DH picked us over them, telling them to be mean and spiteful to our DC and so on.

It has been to court and DH was awarded a measly one night eow. ExW claims one child needs counselling and the other has a tic because they're so traumatised at being with us/away from her. She packs photos of herself and secret phones, whispers in their ear and makes them cry at collection and makes them feel guilty if they say anything about us. She's asked for cafcass to investigate because she claims the children hate contact, but when they're here they are (mostly) very happy and asking to stay.

Recently, she's been getting one or both DCs to phone and tell DH they want to miss contact because X,Y,Z is happening at mums house. When he says no, they're in floods of tears and exW gives him lots of abuse for upsetting them. She then reminds them what they're missing at collection so they'll be upset again and encourages them to be horrid here so he might send them back home.

This weekend it's my DDs birthday. We've booked a weekend away at Alton Towers for us and all DC. DHs DC rang yesterday saying there's a christening they want to go to on Sunday and demanding that he returns them Saturday evening (after collecting them Sat morning!) We areaalready driving two hours extra to collect them and DH would miss most of Saturday if he returned them. He said no, but DC were both crying and screaming that they'll refuse to come if he doesn't do as they say and his DD made a snide comment that if she's going to be miserable and not get to do what she wants then she'll be making sure my DD has a miserable birthday. My DD adores DSD but is bought to tears her cruelty often. Being cooped up in a hotel room with two sulking DSC is going to ruin her birthday.

Now they're back at school there's likely to be parties most weekends which they'll ask to miss contact for and kick off if he says no. ExW won't let him take them to parties. He feels like he either has to manhandle screaming crying DC into the car andput up with them bbeing vile all weekend if there was something else they could've been doing, or else arrive to collect them and accept that they refuse to go, thereby meaning exW has breached the order by not encouraging contact and then hopefully there'll be some consequences for her eventually.

I think DH just feels like an interference in their life as exW is making it all be so traumatic for them. Of course he'll try and get his point across to CAFCASS but it's been six years since separation now and her games are getting worse all the time, to the detriment of both DSC and our DC.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice?

I would suggest you go back to court and push for more contact. One night EOW is a pittance in all honesty especially now the children are older.

I would question your desire to have your DSC and your DC together all the time. I think due to the nature of the ex I think I would (if I was in your position) give my own dc a break. I realise this may be hard though but as another poster said it can be for their own protection.

Op ignore olgaga she is highly anti step parents and I really don't know why she trolls the board.

you need to read the thread wakey started about parental alienation as this is classic.

do not let dh give up as they won't thank him for not fighting for them in the long run. document absolutely everything and take it back to court. the only one harming them is their mother!!!

I have no other advice unfortunately other than persevere xxx

I would suggest you go back to court and push for more contact. One night EOW is a pittance in all honesty especially now the children are older.

Sadly, the older the DCs are, the less contact is ordered, in my experience.

Courts place greater weight on the DCs opinion - who in cases like this, invariably express the desire they believe the hostile parent wants - and also, courts expect older DCs to be able to independently act on a desire to see their other parent - making direct arrangements as they gain more independence from their primary parent.

There isn't always a clear understanding in court of the control a parent can have over a DC of any age - I sometimes think that judges and magistrates should read the relationship section of MN to gain an insight into the obligation many children feel towards dominant and controlling parents, well into adulthood.

This isn't just about seeing dad though is it, the DSC's have siblings that live with dad. I can't beleive anyone thinks it's ok that siblings should not spend contact time together.

It's tough and it's hard but I think you have to accept the mum is like this and try and work around it best you can.

We found that if the ex wants a favour it's opportunity to get some extra contact in return. Does she ever call on your DH for help? that may be one way to get a little more time together. Also DH pays for his son's phone making it easier for htemt o stay in touch, not sure if this is something that can be looked into. One less thing for mum to pay for, and she might let them speak to dad more.

Also I wouldn't even mention special days out or whatever to the DSC so the mum is less likely to pull contact. She sounds like she sees these days a way as some kind of threat, i.e. they will be having fun and therefore will love me, their mum less.

I can't beleive anyone thinks it's ok that siblings should not spend contact time together.

Given how little contact has been ordered between the DCs and their Dad, it's clear that the courts don't prioritise their relationship with their half sibs.

It's tragic, but sadly, all too common.

What a cow the ExW is.

Karma will get her when the DSCs are old enough to see what she did.

I agree with PP's - please don't let your DH give up.
What an awful situation, but as others have said, when they are older the children will hopefully see the situation for what it is and will appreciate your perseverance. And hopefully will have a relationship with their step siblings.
If you give up they could end up with a crap relationship with their Mum due to this (I speak from experience) and no relationship with their step family. At least give them the opportunity to have one good relationship here.
xxx

I might have known the OP would get the blame!!

He shouldn't walk away but keep trying. Maybe he should stop letting his ex make him the bad guy. If they say they don't want to come then he should tell them he loves them and he will see them next time. She will soon tire of that once she sees it's not having the desired effect.
As for 'family time' I would be inclined to stop them seeing your dd for the time being unless under strict supervision by you. She shouldn't have to put up with being pinched or teased by anyone - siblings or not!!

What crap advise olgaga! I'm shocked

in all seriousness, as a mother, why would you want to be with a man who walked away from his children?

Was there any particular reason why the court only allocated him one day eow?

You sound like you're trying really hard. Keep your chin up and be loving and warm to the children and your DP. Protect your children and yourself by setting boundaries and try not to expect anything of SDC they are being emotionally abused

Was there any particular reason why the court only allocated him one day eow?

My DH got so fed up with this question (after the court reduced contact from 1-week-in-3 to 4 hours every three weeks) that he eventually snapped at the CSA officer "because I'm a crap dad who can't be trusted with my own son".

The courts deal with "best for the DCs right now" and right now, more regular contact is distressing the OPs DSC, so reducing contact reduces their distress. The courts don't have the time (or interest) in finding out why, they just move on to the next case.
One of the magistrates in DHs most recent case asked the Clerk whether the court should be doing anything to find out why DSS was refusing to see me or come to our home. The Clark very firmly told her that wasn't within the remit of the court.

My stepdad was in a similar situation when we were children.
He had a DD, my mum had me. Then they had two DD's together -
Half sibs to me and my stepsister.
His ex made contact difficult and painful and stressful for all involved, especially her own DD. He decided, reluctantly, that he would see her only when she was visiting her grandparents (his parents, funnily enough his ex was ok with this) now many years later they have a Christmas card relationship, we all
Live in the same city but he sees he maybe once a year. She never sees her younger sisters, and I have seen her maybe 3 times in the last 20
Years by accident. It is sad because
My sisters are hers too but they describe themselves as being one of three girls, and we all have a close and living relationship. Her mother had no other dc's and I just think it is sad. I remember playing with her when we were little and we were similar in age I thought it so wonderful to have a sister.
I think your DH should persevere and doing whatever that needs for the moment, ie if they ask to change a day because they have a party then change it, if they want to go home, take them home. They will learn that it is their mother who is making them feel upset and she will have the wind taken out if her sails. She clearly wants reactions and stress and if she doesn't get it it can't sustain itself one sided.

Op
I am not a step parent I am a step child survivor of a mother who was excellent of parental alienation (will give a fair bit of that excellence to my 1st step mother too)

I am now in my mid 40's I speak to my mother 2-4 times a year. She came to visit last year for the first time in 14 years (I have 4 children my parents Are in mainland Europe I am in the UK) I speak with my father every 2nd week.

My children speak fondly of my dad most of them have little in terms of memories of my mother.

I grew up and I saw that yes my dad had screwed up but he had tried. Also unlike my mother he was willing to say " yes i fucked up and I would do different if I could go back" My mother still thinks she was/ is an amazing parent.

my father did almost stop seeing me at pressure from my mother and his first wife our relationshipwas down to dinner out once a month.

Then he moved to the town I was in with my mother and stepdad. & He met my 2nd step mother. She was not ok with him beign alienated with his dd and took it on her to ensure that this was changed. It was by her being welcoming and warm and kind.

she and my dad divorced about 17 years ago and I sadly have no further contact with her (though I do have facebook contact with both her children) However she changed my having a father in my life and I learnt my dad was ok

these days I love him to pieces and I am happy he is in my life..

Although that's nice it shouldn't be up to a step mother to make it so your dad was a good parent. He should have done that himself!

I agree that your DH needs to somehow remain sweetness and light and accommodating of the demands. If they want to cancel he could offer to take them out for a milkshake or something instead but always be pleasant on the occasions they refuse. Lots of "it will be sad that you're not coming/leaving early but that's okay it will be good to see you anyway"

Make sure he goes to every concert/school event etc. he can, he needs to be there for the long haul

I haven't said I'd support him in walking away, but I can completely understand his frustration and why he feels so disheartened. If he starts arriving for collection then leaving again if exW has arranged something else then he'll never see them as she'd make sure there was always something else on. Meanwhile, we've wasted £30 in fuel each time, have upset DC because they don't get to see their siblings and can never plan our weekends/buy tickets/book holidays because we never know if they'll actually come.

He does spend time alone with them each time they come - they're here from Sat morning until Sunday evening and the other DC and I tend to go out on the Saturday to give them time but DSC sulk because they want DD to be there to play with.

This frustrates me

I wonder what the response would be if the OP was the partner of the non resident mother instead of father?

I guess the advice would be very different

I wonder if he could ask contact to move to a Friday after school to a Sat evening EoW so it would cut out having to collect them from their Mum?

That's a really good idea Random, and CAFCASS would probably support it because it's recommended by a lot of professionals in cases like this.

DH had it written into one of his previous orders for DSS; it didn't resolve all the issues, but it did make the transitions a lot easier most of the time.

DSS mum tried her hardest to hijack it - she even began volunteering in the school on "contact day" so she could say goodbye to DSS in the classroom at the end of the day, but with the support of the school, that was managed.

Unfortunately, once DSS was old enough to make his own way from school (both homes are within walking distance), the system broke down, because DSS was told to walk home to her and his mum would let DSS know that was where he was. DH decided it was unfair to carry on meeting DSS at the school gate when all his friends were walking home alone......a real case of damned if you do or damned if you don't.

OP we came to the conclusion that it wasn't possible to decide what to do based on "what was best" for the DSC. Once DH came to terms with the fact he had to base his decisions on the "least worst" outcome for them, it helped - there are no solutions in these cases, the DCs will be damaged and hurt. All your DP can do is work out how to reduce that if he possibly can.

He's asking for Friday from school until Sunday evening next time but a couple of the dates in the current order are Friday from school until Saturday evening because mum had already planned things on the Sunday and she insists she has to be there at school, too. We're hoping thecourt will see how she's trying to manipulate contact by doing this because theres no good reason for her to be there too but she has a younger child who'll start school next year so she'll be able to use that as an excuse to interfere anyway.

Can you not just trump her each time. When they say "but we want to go to x party today." Say no were going to the beach/ swimming/ the funfair.

You need to explain that mums not being fair ( in front of her) and how much you love them and look forward to seeing them. At seven you can explain this so that they understand, she has 26 days a month you get 4 type of thing.

Children soon work it out. Stick with it. Never give up contact for an easier life. Keep reinforcing your love and desire to see them, how little time you get.

babylon Do you mean she arrives at school pickup when your DP does, and upsets the DCs?

If so, get the school on board. My DH went and asked the Headteacher how he could best support his DS when his mum was crying at each transition. He didn't criticise his ex at all, just said to the headteacher that he understood it's hard for his ex, but DS was getting upset and he wondered if the school could help DS.

The Headteacher told DS mum to stay away from the school on those days.