Oh more drama from DSD mother

[FreeSpirit89]

Well DSD (7) is here with strict instructions from her mother. We must do something with her instead of letting her play with her toys. And she must not 'babysit' my DS (4).

I'm livid, she is a naughty spiteful girl at the best of times. She sulks and doesn't play in the games we do for them, then goes home and moans at her mother.

DF is saying he will take DSD out as we can't afford for all of us to go. When did we become second rate people in our own home.

It's gonna be a long five days.

dia. You are challenging very well established and credible advice; not to say your not entitled to your opinion, but it is certainly not in line with the professional view.

The CAFCASS Handbook I referred to above gives the following advice to separated parents;

children are resilient and can live with different family rules if they know what to expect. If your children say things like ‘mum does this differently’ or ‘dad doesn’t do things like that’, remind them that it is a parent’s job to set limits and that although you do things differently you both love them and that it is OK to have different rules in different homes

dia siblings minding siblings is a parenting decision for individual households.

It becomes problematic when separated parents of a child disagree on the issue - in that case a decision should be taken based on risk to the child, not the child's (or RP) preference. It would not, for example, be acceptable for a RP to withhold contact on the basis that the DC is expected to watch their younger sibling at the NRP house.

Withholding contact is the only influence a RP has over the NRP household, so I often suggest that before a RP "has a word" with the NRP about something they aren't happy with they consider whether they'd be prepared to withhold contact over it. If not, then is it really worth raising?

Which doesn't FORBID or preclude cooperation/communication/coordination wakey

(the CAFCASS quote, I mean)

You are challenging very well established and credible advice

Are you saying challenging well established advice is something people shouldnt do?

Aside from that, the paragraph ypu quoted is in no way challenged by my post. That paragraph does not say that parents shouldnt discuss issues a child has raised about how they feel. I agree entirely with that paragraph. I often remind my dc that we dont do X,Y or watch 18 rated movies/games in this house. And i explain why i have decided on certain rules (18 rateds have material/languages/images that could scare/worry/upset children) but if my child comes to me and says the movies scare him but he doesnt want to tell dad then yes, i'll suggest to dad that he might keep those movies or games til after dcs are in bed or not there and i'll explain why.

Woah! Who said withholding contact? Certainly wasnt me. Why is that being thrown in as if it was the next option?

I think you're overthinking it Wakey.

The child's father simply needs to instill boundaries when she is in his care.

He is clearly not doing that.

Well said Fair.

More parenting on his part would make a considerable difference as would supporting the OP and discussing family outings/finance/dynamics with her instead he is causing/encouraging a family divide and resentment.

Maybe I am faire - comes with the territory of dealing with complex blended family dynamics for years, I'm afraid.

dia in my experience, withholding contact is the only option a parent has to influence the DCs experience in the other. Civil conversation, mediated agreements, even court orders, are all meaningless, and generate resentment, bad feeling, hatred and dispute.

So, based on my own experience, if a parent feels strongly enough about something in the other household to "have a quiet word" with their ex about it, I would only consider it worth doing if they would be prepared to see it through to what, in my experience, is the natural/ultimate conclusion.

comes with the territory of dealing with complex blended family dynamics for years, I'm afraid

Yes, sometimes it's easy to get lost among all the intricate details of family life but, it's important not to overlook the very basic, 'common sense', day to day skills we all need to use when parenting.

Some situations are undoubtedly more complicated, but this particular scenario does not seem to be much more than the father failing to parent his child properly and OP could do with some support to help him do that I think.

faire you may be right, although depending on how the message was transmitted (and by whom) I think the strict instructions from her mother aspect of the OPs situation could be indicative of a more complex dynamic at play!
As I said up thread, I read that one way, others read it very differently - and as the OP hasn't clarified, we could debate it endlessly!

dia in my experience, withholding contact is the only option a parent has to influence the DCs experience in the other. Civil conversation, mediated agreements, even court orders, are all meaningless, and generate resentment, bad feeling, hatred and dispute.

I'm sorry this has been your experience. However, many many parents are decent level headed people who are happy to respond appropriately when something is brought to their attention. People should not let their children go on unhappy in an easily solveable (quiet word) situation because it isnt worth withholding contact. That is quite ridiculous IMO and i can imagine my own EX being very upset to find out that i had opted not to say something about a dc being upset because it wasnt something risky or dangerous. He would much rather i say. He isnt blessed with common sense and admits this himself when things are brought up.

dia in my experience, withholding contact is the only option a parent has to influence the DCs experience in the other. Civil conversation, mediated agreements, even court orders, are all meaningless, and generate resentment, bad feeling, hatred and dispute.

Wakey with the utmost of respect, that is clearly inspired by your own (obviously awful, stressful, heartbreaking) specific circumstances and experiences because as a generalisation it is beyond bizarre.

You might as well say "silence is the only method human beings have to communicate with each other".

the strict instructions from her mother aspect of the OPs situation could be indicative of a more complex dynamic at play

Between the adults maybe. But it doesn't detract from the issue of the father parenting his child. The problems with her behaviour are not being addressed.

If he could focus on spending time with her and at the same time setting loving boundaries, she may be more content to spend some time playing on her own or with her brother/step brother.

The knock on effect is that she wouldn't be complaining to her mum in the first place. There is no point in all the adults falling out when they could just do their own thing to help the child.

Just to throw this in there OP - it is quite possible that the seven year old feels she is 'protecting' her mother by going home and saying 'oh, dads was soooo boring, I had too watch step (half?) brother for aaaaages and I didn't have any fun'...

Of course, in an ideal word she would take the complaints of a seven year old with a pinch of salt and check with your DP what was actually happening - sadly exps are often all too willing to believe the worst, particularly if there has previously been animosity between them.

However it doesn't seem like this is the main issue. Buying things just because DSS (or any child, in a blended family or non-blended family) is having a paddy isn't going to do anyone any good.

Have you spoken to your DP about what I can only assume is this overcompensation?

Clash - sadly EXPs fear the worst, say nothing and then find out that their poor DCs were not lying.

Rock on i phones and android.

My DC took my ipad on a visit and filmed/left it running for long periods.It was illuminating and made me cry.It was worse than they had said, the non engagement with the dcs by his new dp and her shouting when they ventured out of their area into her dcs areas was soul destroying.

That's awful whatever

Did you manage to get it sorted? No child should have to go through that.

I wasn't suggesting that the ex-p shouldn't challenge the NRP...or at least I didn't mean to, just wanted to offer a perspective on why the DSS's mum might be feeling that way.