Oh more drama from DSD mother

[FreeSpirit89]

Well DSD (7) is here with strict instructions from her mother. We must do something with her instead of letting her play with her toys. And she must not 'babysit' my DS (4).

I'm livid, she is a naughty spiteful girl at the best of times. She sulks and doesn't play in the games we do for them, then goes home and moans at her mother.

DF is saying he will take DSD out as we can't afford for all of us to go. When did we become second rate people in our own home.

It's gonna be a long five days.

Needa. Where did anyone say the DP should take the DSD out alone every weekend?

She can even help him with the daily chores, to a child that still counts as doing something together. They can chat and he can praise her and thank her for her helpfulness, she will learn basic skills and they get some jobs done.

Chores that are fun for kids involve, weeding, washing cars, washing up (yes, really), cooking, dusting (especially with a feather duster), moving furniture around and any kind of sorting. Finish it off with a treat of hot chocolate, popcorn and dvd snuggled up on the sofa.

This is not the case here, though.
The OP is 'livid' because she feels that the Dad taking out his daughter makes her a 'second class citizen'. It's not every time she visits.

Of course it isn't your children's 'fault' they live with you. But it does facilitate spending more time with them regardless.
What's wrong with putting in a little extra effort with the child who does not benefit from that?

dia I didn't want to quote the whole post but was referring to where fiddle refers to shopping trips with their Dad as being "dragged around" and things they "have" to do with her.

My point is that those are the activities that provide parenting opportunities - she may not consider them valuable to the DCs with either parent, but they are in fact, some of the best learning experiences there are for DCs.

Who actually describes their partners children in this way

Presumably, the same kind of people who describe their own DCs in that way when they are frustrated and at the end of their tether? Maybe ask on the parenting/teen boards - there plenty of posts that describe the OPs own DCs in such a manner

I suspect that what has happened here isn't the dsd's mum giving instructions at all but a child who has told her mum that she is bored and expected to entertain herself all the time plus constantly expected to look after another child who may or may not be her brother (depending on whether he is her dad's ds or not) and her mother saying that if she is unhappy about that she should tell her dad, which she has then done so in a way which makes out that her mum said to do it iyswim. It's not nasty or spiteful - iit's a seven year old who doesn't have the emotional maturity to articulate how she's feeling, or perhaps doesn't feel comfortable articulating her own feelings because she feels she doesn't have the right to in her dad's house, and therefore feels more secure putting her mum's name behind them. iyswim.

Op - you need to be honest with yourself about whether dsd has a point at all over any of this. Is she left to her own devices a lot of the time? Do you put upon her to watch your other dc. Because if so she is IMO perfectly entitled to feel resentful about that.

I agree that life for children can't be constant days out all of the time and that they do have to learn to be able to entertain themselves/play together etc, however if dsd has articulated this thought then you at least need to discuss it with her and explain that life isn't necessarily all about days out, or, if you don't actually ever do anything with her, perhaps make a bit more effort or facilitate your df to have one-on-one time with his dd.

I suspect that what has happened here isn't the dsd's mum giving instructions at all but a child who has told her mum that she is bored and expected to entertain herself all the time plus constantly expected to look after another child who may or may not be her brother (depending on whether he is her dad's ds or not) and her mother saying that if she is unhappy about that she should tell her dad, which she has then done so in a way which makes out that her mum said to do it iyswim

Could be - or it could be a DC who has arrived with a list of written instructions for the non-resident household from their Mum - as has happened in other households.

From the way in which the OP is written, either is possible, and depending on our own experiences as mums and stepmums, we will all interpret it differently!

I never said those things weren't valuable at all wakey! BUT when they do them every single time they go , (and apologies for drip feeding but I have a disabled daughter, so things like that are effortful for her) it feels very sad. I do at least balance out my shopping and mundane boring stuff with the good stuff! He used to be a lot better, swimming etc....but doesn't bother now..whole other story.

Anyway..interestingly...he refuses to have either child on their own ever. I do try to make time to spend with each child individually if I can, especially in holidays or inset days as they are in different schools. For example I might put my younger into football for the day, and take my daughter for a girly shopping day. My children in some ways have often said they wish they had individual time with their dad, especially my older daughter.

Is the problem this bit perhaps?

DF is saying he will take DSD out as we can't afford for all of us to go.

I have no DCs but I do have a SS, and if DP said to me 'I'm taking SS out somewhere nice for the day to spend some 1 on 1 time with him, as he feels he doesn't get enough of that / I'd like to spend some time on him on my own / something similar', I would have absolutely no problem with that, in fact I'd encourage it.

If however, DP said to me 'SS and I are going somewhere nice for that day, you can't come because we can't afford it'. I'd be quite upset. And I'm an adult! I would think that DP should choose a day out that could be afforded for all of us.

Family money should be spread amongst all of the family, not just reserved for one member of the family, even if they are only there 'part time'.

So I second the point about OP's DP spending some one on one quality time with his daughter, that's important. But that shouldn't mean that DSD gets money spent on her with the other members of the family suffering as a result!

Surely thought, the Dad can do both, as I suggested above. Shopping, chores, whatever and also playing with her, giving her the attention she needs.

Why does it have to be one or the other, either a) dragged round shops or b) taken out for a day of fun?

Why doesn't he do what we all do, involve the children as much as possible in the things that have to be done for the smooth running of the house/family and also do fun things together?

She could practically shadow him - big shop at tesco followed by special drink in cafe, home to help unpack and put away followed by a board game, help load the car for a trip to tip then back home to play lego with dad and brother/step brother whilst mum does something that she needs/wants to do, etc.

Just daily life stuff that involves children rather than leaving them to amuse themselves.

No it is her DM that's saying it, with DSD fibbing too. I know it sounds awful, but she is a spiteful child, she pushes, punches, kicks, mans hits when she can not get her own way.

The babysitting she refers to is the odd five minutes when there left alone playing a game in a room while we are doing something like lunch.

It's constant and DS is picking up on it. DF does nothing but what he's told and I'm the bad one when I say that she has to accept that she can't be center of attention all the time.

There having a joint party this year, both birthdays are December and she's going made that it's not going to be all frozen themed. When we said they can have themes it isn't good enough.

So the problem is her father then not so much her.

If she is allowed to hit/kick/push to get her own way and is not parented by her father then the fault does not lay solely with her. She is spiteful and nasty because he allows her to be and indulges her behaviour.

If you want the situation to change then only her father can do that. Point your hate/dislike/upset towards him not the child OP.

That's the thing DS hates baking so were always doing cake kits and parks on bikes. But it's because it's indoor avtivitys she isn't happy unless it's out spending loads of money.

It isn't the fact DF wants to take her out I have a problem with it's the fact he will put it on the credit card and DSD will come back with new this and that and DS will be wondering why he isn't allowed to go join the fun.

We are planning the free musem and a picnic on Friday.

As for me being evil for saying she's nasty and spiteful. I'm venting on here, she can be a lovely child but I am mindful that she can be spiteful and hurt the little ones. I have never and will never say that too her. I treat her the same as I would my own but my son can be a little git at times too

I have to say my SS claims he's bored / has nothing to play with / is 'all on my own' after 5 minutes of being left to his own devices - one memorable day we had been to the park in the morning, the aquarium in the afternoon, we got home and put a movie on that he wanted to watch, and DP and I had a sit down for a few minutes, with the result of an instant 'I'm booooored, no-one's playing with me'.

I have no doubt that he often goes home to his mum complaining he was bored and no-one entertained him, but his mum is clearly savvy enough not to believe everything a 6 year old says as we never hear anything about it.

IMO your DP needs to tell his ex to butt out, and then the two of you should be working together on how to make your family work, and how he helps DSD to feel more secure / change her behaviour / understand she can't always have what she wants etc. This actually sits with him rather than anyone else I think. Just IMO.

It sounds like he is trying to keep her happy by buying her things instead of addressing her behaviour by setting and enforcing boundaries. What does he do when she pushes, punches, kicks, for example?

I'm venting on here, she can be a lovely child but I am mindful that she can be spiteful and hurt the little ones

So what you meant was that she can be naughty and spiteful at the worst of times, not the best. At the best of times she is a lovely child.

Sounds, pretty normal 7 year old behaviour to me. But her father does need to set those boundaries. Does she behave like that at school?

I do wonder why there aren't more 'LTBs' (or the equivalent) in Step.

On the Relationship board, the accusation is often made that 'LTB' is slung around too liberally. The opposite seems true here (to me).

People describe really unworkable and/or dysfunctional family situations, DPs who are causing/exarcebating problems, close family members they seem to hate, home lives that seem to be making them miserable, impasses that have gone on for a long time etc..... Yet advice to leave is fairly thin on the ground.

I'm not saying you should leave (necessarily) OP. I'm just making an observation that might be relevant.

We are planning the free musem and a picnic on Friday.

Well that's positive .

I'm venting on here, she can be a lovely child but I am mindful that she can be spiteful and hurt the little ones

That is actually quite a U turn. You must be very het up.

Have some and . You'll get better perspectives once you've got the vent off your chest and are posting more accurately.

This last week of the summer holidays is a killer even in non blended families.

His relationship with his DD will be different to that of yours, likewise yours with your son will be different to that of his with your DS. It can be very hard in blended families.

He needs to work on her behaviour and find out what's triggering it. Perhaps she doesn't feel part of your home or maybe resents her dad being there daily for a child that's not his, there could be lots of things.

As for the party, having to share with the opposite sex half your age when all your friends are likely to be having frozen parts is a little off. She could have her own frozen celebration tea party and your DS the same.

I think that's a good point actually arsenic. It's all about the kids behaviour on here and how to sort THEM out, that's where the focus is ANC if not the children then it's the exes fault. Rarely about the crap parenting and bad relationship behaviour exhibited by the Father.

"Today 13:04 needaholidaynow

That's how it is coming across."

It's not at all.

"No it is her DM that's saying it, with DSD fibbing too."

Well she isnt fibbing if she feels she is being asked to babysit your DS. You say they are being left, but what is being said when you are leaving them ti make her feel she is responsible for him? Sometimes things can be misinterpreted by children so check how you are saying things incase there is something that indicates you or DP expect her to babysit.