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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Oh more drama from DSD mother

117 replies

FreeSpirit89 · 27/08/2014 11:36

Well DSD (7) is here with strict instructions from her mother. We must do something with her instead of letting her play with her toys. And she must not 'babysit' my DS (4).

I'm livid, she is a naughty spiteful girl at the best of times. She sulks and doesn't play in the games we do for them, then goes home and moans at her mother.

DF is saying he will take DSD out as we can't afford for all of us to go. When did we become second rate people in our own home.

It's gonna be a long five days.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

DiaDuit · 27/08/2014 14:06

And without wanting to point out the obvious, talk to her and make it clear that you dont expect her to babysit and say that you are sorry she felt that way in the past. Make it clear that you or DP are always there and listening out even if not in the same room so that it puts these feelings to bed once and for all for her. Make it very clear.

Hissy · 27/08/2014 14:08

DSM doesn't get to dictate what does or doesn't happen when this child is with her DF. the DF needs to smile and nod and completely ignore.

DSD needs to understand that she can't dictate rules to others - she can have her interests taken into consideration, but that it's the adults that decide.

Your OH needs to man up and discipline his DD. She has no right to be rude or lie about what does or doesn't happen in your household.

the problem IS ultimately with your OH.

WakeyCakey45 · 27/08/2014 14:16

Rarely about the crap parenting and bad relationship behaviour exhibited by the Father.

I disagree. If you look at the current active posts on this board, nearly all of them result in advice to the OP regarding their DPs behaviour/attitude.

Just like on the relationships board, an OP may moan about the consequence without realising the underlying cause - so a pushy MIL is often being enables by a spineless DP, just like a demanding DSC is being facilitated by an ineffective father. It is the progress of the thread that highlights this; the OP is, naturally, focusing on the behaviour that directly affects her.

Unfortunately, a lot of discord arises when a father is not so much ineffective but has entered into a relationship with very different priorities to that of the OP - so his behaviour, expectations and attitude is at odds with his DP. The importance of communication and honesty early in a relationship in which there are DCs from previously cannot be underestimated.

DaisyFlowerChain · 27/08/2014 14:17

I think the DSM has every right to mention things that make her daughter upset. She clearly doesn't want to have to watch or entertain her dad's partners child and neither should she be expected too. Or should she keep quiet and then eventually just stop seeing her dad?

NickiFury · 27/08/2014 14:19

I meant the OP focused on the child wakey.

The acknowledgment of the parent as being at fault is a pretty recent development round here.

WakeyCakey45 · 27/08/2014 14:20

daisy does that work both ways? If my DSC tell me something that their mum does that upsets her, can my DH tell his ex that his DCs shouldn't be expected to walk their stepdads dog/load the dishwasher/vacuum the hall?

Or should he just encourage the DCs to move in with him instead?

Original poster

FreeSpirit89 · 27/08/2014 14:21

That is the problem, when she is spiteful it's passed off as she's just acting out to get attention and DF rewards it with trips out and new toys which IMO makes it worse.

As I have am said I have no issue with 1on1 time quite the opposite, but when Ds is always the one being left out it becomes and issue.

We will sometimes take them up to the you store and they have a limit of 10 each for something craft like, they both try it on for bigger items, but are told no. Then DSD asks DF and it's a yes of course.

It's just behaviour that's been left unchecked for too long, DF spoils DSD and that's why she is struggling with the boundaries in our house.

OP posts:

FlossyMoo · 27/08/2014 14:22

This thread isn't about you wakey it is about the OP's situation.

ArsenicyOldFace · 27/08/2014 14:23

But you must admit Wakey that LTBs are thin on the ground.

Which is interesting, considering that step-marriages have a higher failure rate than average and that LTB is quite common advice elsewhere on the site.

It is of course, positive that advice to leave isn't given too easily.

DiaDuit · 27/08/2014 14:26

can my DH tell his ex that his DCs shouldn't be expected to walk their stepdads dog/load the dishwasher/vacuum the hall

Of course he can if the child isnt happy doing it. He can talk to his ex and she'll (hopefully) talk to her DD about it and come to some sort of agreement that works better. Perhaps they will agree that walking stepdad's dog is unreasonable but loading dishwasher and hoovering in the home she lives in is fair enough and part of her learnjng to clear up after herself (the dog doenst fall under that bracket)

ArsenicyOldFace · 27/08/2014 14:26

That is the problem, when she is spiteful it's passed off as she's just acting out to get attention and DF rewards it with trips out and new toys which IMO makes it worse.

Oh good grief. You need to deal with him first OP.

The rest is secondary.

Fairenuff · 27/08/2014 14:28

That is the problem, when she is spiteful it's passed off as she's just acting out to get attention and DF rewards it with trips out and new toys which IMO makes it worse.

Of course it makes it worse because he is rewarding unwanted behaviour. What he needs to do is sit down with her, in fact all of you, and set the house rules: No hitting, no kicking, no pushing, etc. Then he needs to be clear what the consequence will be and, most importantly, follow it through if a rules gets broken.

DiaDuit · 27/08/2014 14:29

Surely you can see OP that it is entirely your DF that is creatjng/allowing this behaviour? He undermines you by giving her more money when she asks. Its not the child's mum causing drama. It's your DF's shit parenting. Blame the right person.

WakeyCakey45 · 27/08/2014 14:30

The acknowledgment of the parent as being at fault is a pretty recent development round here.

Ive been posting for several years and have lost count of the times I've posted "this isn't a DSC problem, it's a DP problem" - it has become a regular mantra under several of my usernames

Fairenuff · 27/08/2014 14:32

I think that is an excellent mantra Wakey, (when applicable of course).

OP, this isn't a dsd problem, it's a dp problem!

DaisyFlowerChain · 27/08/2014 14:34

Your DS has you all the time though and your DP is heavily involved in his life. Why should he have to take both out on the few hours he gets to have his DD with him. So you never then take your DS out anywhere unless your DSD is there, of course you do. How can you say you have no issue with one to one time but then say it leaves your DS out?

Wakes, of course it works the other way round. Children should not be doing child or animal care for a step parent. Looking after their own pet is obviously different but as they have no choice in siblings then the childcare should always be done by the parent.

WakeyCakey45 · 27/08/2014 14:47

Of course he can if the child isnt happy doing it. He can talk to his ex and she'll (hopefully) talk to her DD about it and come to some sort of agreement that works better.

I think that is very dangerous advice for any separated parents. It may work in the minority of cases where cooperative parenting is successfully established but is likely to result in resentment on all sides in most cases.

The professional advice is just the opposite - unless a child is at risk, or in danger, it is generally advised to allow the other parent to make decisions about the child without interference.

ArsenicyOldFace · 27/08/2014 14:54

The professional advice is just the opposite - unless a child is at risk, or in danger, it is generally advised to allow the other parent to make decisions about the child without interference.

Can you recommend a link Wakey? I'm a bit of date.

WakeyCakey45 · 27/08/2014 14:57

Looking after their own pet is obviously different but as they have no choice in siblings then the childcare should always be done by the parent.

...and my other mantra has always been "why is this different in a blended family?"

In a non-blended family, it's perfectly acceptable for a 7 yr old DC to be asked to "play with their sibling to keep him quiet" while the parents make dinner, shower, deal with house guests or similar. And just as likely that the 7 yr old will (in the way only 7 yr olds can) divulge their resentment of that when asked by a relative if they love their little brother "no, I have to look after him all the time". Should the parents take the 7 years old comments to heart and ensure they don't ask their child to do something she is unhappy with?

The OPs DSD is a member of their family and therefore, takes an appropriate role in the life of her sibling. Why shouldn't she be given the same level of responsibility as a child who lives there full time?

WakeyCakey45 · 27/08/2014 14:59

arsenicy a good place to start is the CAFCASS handbook for the Separated Parents Information Programme - it's downloadable from the CAFCASS website, or copies in local libraries and with mediators; some solicitors have them to.

ArsenicyOldFace · 27/08/2014 15:01

Blimey wake sounds like something to beat someone roud the head with. Or use as a doorstop.

There must be something pithy and accessible online

WakeyCakey45 · 27/08/2014 15:06

It's not as bad as it sounds (CAFCASS comissioned The Centre for Separated Families)

www.cafcass.gov.uk/media/2855/Parenting_handbook_March_2012_FINAL[1].pdf

DiaDuit · 27/08/2014 15:11

How do you establish cooperative parenting without starting to cooperate? it doesnt just suddenly happen, it takes a starting point.

Also if a child is told by either parent "i cant get involved with you and your dad/mum." When its the not dangerous/risky stuff, the child is far less likely to let them know when something risky/dangerous/damaging is going on. Communication between parents is essential. You cannot (you can but it's not helpful for the child) just state that what goes on with your child in your house is none of the other parent's business.

DiaDuit · 27/08/2014 15:13

In a non-blended family, it's perfectly acceptable for a 7 yr old DC to be asked to "play with their sibling to keep him quiet" while the parents make dinner, shower, deal with house guests or similar

And just as unneccessary. It didnt happen when i was growing up (in my family i mean) and it doesnt happen with my own children. Parents of only children manage to do all those things with an older sibling to babysit.

ArsenicyOldFace · 27/08/2014 15:14

I have to say I wouldn't want a child feeling there was some kind of Berlin wall running through their lives, with two separate regimes and no communication or cooperation. That is extreme.

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