Oh more drama from DSD mother

[FreeSpirit89]

Well DSD (7) is here with strict instructions from her mother. We must do something with her instead of letting her play with her toys. And she must not 'babysit' my DS (4).

I'm livid, she is a naughty spiteful girl at the best of times. She sulks and doesn't play in the games we do for them, then goes home and moans at her mother.

DF is saying he will take DSD out as we can't afford for all of us to go. When did we become second rate people in our own home.

It's gonna be a long five days.

I would appreciate not being shot down in flames, but as the ex- who has the children 99.9% of the time, and then when they do go to their Dads, they get dragged round b&q and tesco and all the things that they HAVE to do when they are with me...or just sit in the house all day when they visit....it is very very hard NOT to say " please do something nice with them"

Like you have said here, I am then immediately accused of trying to control them, when all I am trying to ensure is that they are not disappointed ....perhaps, just perhaps, the mum is asking...in their best interests? So maybe you should look at how you structure her visits....and perhaps, you might like to reassure Mum....and then try and find a way to build a relationship with a 7 year old, rather than damming her on here by calling her spiteful :(

I'd look up some free activities, parks and local things to do. They cost nothing, kids don't want your money, they want your time. You can all do that together, and it would be far better than staying at home anyway.

It's very hard, when I can't see the other side of the story, for all I know you could be doing all of that anyway, in which case, mum clearly isn't being reasonable. But if you're not.....then perhaps she has a point.

Oh yes i know Op isnt morecrack i was just responding to your comment that surely most parents did. Just explaining that not all can. I know i'm not most parents as well.

If i didnt think it would cause massive resemtment then i would like to spend time with mine individually. Perhaps now ds2 is in school there will be times he is on playdates so ds1 and i can do things.

It doesn't sound as though you like your DSD much.

Maybe her mum is aware of this?

Wheresthelight - I would tell anyone that it's a sad thing to call a child "nasty and spiteful at the best of times" whether they were a mother, stepmother, teacher or anyone. So that's not true.

DiaDuit it does become easier when the eldest becomes a bit more independent. My dd is often out at extra curricular activities/sleepovers etc which frees up my time considerably.

And to whoever asked- I am a step child. So yes, I know what it's like.

Yes i hope so morecrack

I dont think i would engineer a situation (send one to be babysat) in order to do one to one time but if one happens to be at a birthday party or friend's house then yes i can see me doing things with the other. Maybe if i had a partner it would be easier for it to just happen?

But this is a little girl who is displaying behaviours which suggest she is unhappy. If all is hunky dory it might not be as much of a priority to have time alone with a child. It sounds like the dsd could really benefit from it in this case.

I think her dad is doing the right thing. It's not nice for a child to suddenly have to share one of their parents with a new partner and a new sibling. Especially when the sibling is often treated "better" for want of a different word.

I don't think those demands are too much to ask. Her mum doesn't want her stuck in the house for a week playing alone and she's not there as a sitter to the younger one. That one I can totally agree with, it's unfair on any sibling to have to look after the younger ones. They didn't choose to have them and they are not their responsibility.

As for the way you describe her, my heart goes out to her. Poor little girl. So much upheaval in her life it's little wonder she may act up sometimes.

She's 7! Really, naughty and spiteful at the best of times, hate to see what you think of her at her worst

And yes, I would say the same thing if it were her mother saying so

She is the child and you are the adult, it's for you to try to improve the situation if she is acting up or unhappy. I can see why you don't appreciate being told what to do but it's not like her mum's suggestions are actually bad things.

Yes i agree harlem. Sorry was thinking of my own situation but yes this girl clearly feels bored and put upon to babysit her stepbrother. Bored on an ordinary level is fine IMO, some children are always bored and some never are (i have one of each) but if she genuinely isnt being engaged with by her dad then that needs addressed. And she shouldnt be made to feel responsible for a 4 year old. Her dad needs to work out why she feels this way and sort it and if it has taken her mum having a word asking him to then i think that's fair enough. I know my eldest doesnt feel comfortable enough talking to his dad if he isnt happy about something and whilst i will encourage him to, i am also very aware of the lack of seriousness his dad will respond with so sometime i do contact him and say "look, ds is feeling a bit X, could ypu try talking to him/spend some time with him this weekend"

Needaholiday- of course it would be ok. I would assume, of course, that your dsd would be enjoying some quality time with her dad if you went out...going to the park, baking, painting etc.
If course it would be unfair if you left your dsd with a babysitter or stuck in front of the TV.
It is slightly different though- if your children live with you, you could take them out anytime. You wouldn't have to do it when dsd was there, unless something specific came up. I'm sure you take out your children when dsd is not there? So they already do have that luxury.

Slightly off topic but we have 4 DC and once per month each DC spends a day with DH doing an activity of their choice. He works long hours and this is part of his quality time. Neither child feels left out and I think any quality 1-1 time with a child is important whether that be a day out or a bath and story before bed.

To add, this little girl is clearly struggling, needaholiday.
If one of my children was behaving badly and asking me to spend more time with her, I would endeavour to do that.

Why doesn't her dad just play with her in the house? That costs nothing.

FlossyMoo that's a lovely idea.

Well, does this 7 year old little girl watch over your 4 year old?

Have you asked yourself why she is (in your opinion) "a naughty, spiteful girl at the best of times"? Could it be something to do with the atmosphere in her father's home or any unreasonable expectations of her?

I can't see anything wrong with a parent taking one child out for some one to one time when normally they have so little of it. As someone upthread said, it sounds like your 4 year old son, freespirit89, is with you and your partner daily.

I can't work out where there's any "drama" from her mother. The requests sound perfectly reasonable to me.

I can see something wrong with your description of and attitude towards your partner's child.

it is very very hard NOT to say " please do something nice with them"

fiddle as a stepmum who has been on the receiving end of the attitude you have described, I won't shoot you down in flames, but I will put my perspective.

Your DCs spend day to day life with you. They have fun, they do chores, they learn valuable lessons. You parent them. But if you have an expectation of their dad that he will do mainly 'fun stuff" with then you are robbing the DCs of the opportunity to be parented by him too. Whether the amount of time he spends with them is dictated by circumstance or personal choice (yours or his) your DCs still deserve the opportunity to experience "life" from their Dads pov as well as your own.

By sharing all aspects of their Dads life with him, they may learn a different way of packing shopping bags, experience the town centre on a quiet Sunday morning instead of a busy Saturday afternoon, or they may establish their own tradition of having a full English at the greasy spoon with the profits from the monthly car boot sale. DCs have the right to "know" their parents in all aspects of life - spending time in his office on a Saturday afternoon while the kids sit in the canteen may seem like a poor use of time on his part to you, but it provides the DCs with another piece of the jigsaw that makes up their Dads life. There's no harm in them telling him "Dad, I'm bored" and him making it clear life is not all about fun, just in the same way as you have to do.

Please, please don't wish your DCs time with their Dad becomes a "leisure activity'", because his responsibility to parent them and give them life experience is far more important than that.

It works well More DH does his fair share of parenting but you kind of get caught up in it. I work part time and have more opportunity to spend time with each one individually.

When DSS were younger 1-1 time with dad was a given. It didn't take anything away from family time but I felt it was important for the boys to see that the new additions to the family didn't mean they lost their dad and that he still had time for them.

Who actually describes their partners children in this way
When im at work and dp has our dd's i will sometimes say "ooh please do something interesting with them today" I think its perfectly reasonable.
And yes as PP's have said theres loads of stuff to do for free

I'm wondering how dad is to achieve the balance between parenting his daughter (which may involve some boredom, some playing with her toys and even some watching of her brother) and treating her as someone special (which of course she is) without accusations of "Disneying" arising. It's not easy, is it?

Wakey i think you are being unfair by saying that fiddle's saying "please do something nice with them" is the same as her expecting him to do mainly fun stuff. For a child who does nothing other than be entertained by tv all weekend then something fun can be as simple as half an hour in the garden making an obstacle course in the morning or baking for an hour in the evening. It certainly doesnt mean spending the entire weekend at legoland or in the icebowl.