Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

What a totally blizzare evening

31 replies

Elizabeth120914 · 02/08/2014 21:19

I posted earlier fuming about OH changing contact tonight...

Well we picked up dsd she didn't speak one word in the car all the way home. Not one word in the house until OH went to the toilet then chatted to me and then followed me as she does into the kitchen and talks to me doing dinner then not a word eating or since!

I can't sit up anymore tonight my backs killing so I've gone upstairs she has too into her room to watch a DVD..

It feels so awkward.. She hasn't fallen out with her dad over anything and will answer if asked a question but volunteers nothing no matter how much U try to include her in conversation. He seems to think it only matters that she comes here not what happens but it feels bloody uncomfortable to me.

She asked what we are doing tomorrow once I said seeing grandparents in the caravan she started the whole what time am I going thing again as clearly not a choice activity..

How can men be so blinking oblivious I feel like I should go and at least try and talk to her but I'm just done in..

Surely this isn't contact it's like she's doing time.. ?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

yoyo27 · 03/08/2014 02:29

I don't envy you at all! What a complete waste of everyone's time. All because her mother wanted to go out!!!!

NatashaBee · 03/08/2014 02:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Elizabeth120914 · 03/08/2014 04:51

Wish I bloody could being pregnant sucks! Total waste of everyone's time and bloody miserable and awkward. Today's going to be such fun....

OP posts:

Original poster

Elizabeth120914 · 03/08/2014 09:31

So far this morning she's still not speaking standing behind me when I'm washing up won't eat unless I've offered something .. Debating if to take her out somewhere and try to get to the bottom of what's going on myself this is mega painful...

OP posts:

Alita7 · 03/08/2014 10:16

I really really think she just feels awkward around a man who she was introduced to at 5 as her dad but who won't open up and let her in. She's probably confused about what a dad is supposed to be and as he's not acting like one she can't bond with him. You actually give her attention and show her love so she feels secure and at ease with you. With him she doesn't know how to act as she doesn't feel he is interested in her. She's also starting to get closer to puberty and I remember just before all that kicked off I felt really awkward and dirty around all men including my dad and uncle's I was close to so maybe she's feeling a bit like that.

Original poster

Elizabeth120914 · 03/08/2014 10:27

I'm trying to decode the school uniform list currently for the new school her mum apparently has never seen a list and doesn't have a clue what the uniform is! Been searching the internet all morning could bloody scream since when were people so bloody unless makes me raging!

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 03/08/2014 10:31

Is he just not that interested in her? It all sounds very odd. I'm sorry but your issue here is very much with him, not with her.

ChiefBillyNacho · 03/08/2014 10:33

It does come across that her Dad doesn't bother with her and I wonder if that 's why she is coming less. What would happen if you left him to it and detached?

Why are you sorting out uniform and not her mum or dad?

Original poster

Elizabeth120914 · 03/08/2014 10:40

Because we have to pay for the uniform and if I don't sort it out now at the end of august when I've got a newborn there won't be the correct thing her mother is useless she recons they have never had a uniform list or anything.. It's a grammar school and adding it up the uniforms going to cost hundreds which we will have to find..

I didn't say she was the problem I'm just fuming I've had enough of the whole stupid situation at 11 I would have known what day I started my new school and could be responsible for bringing a uniform list round.

He's useless but sick and tired of a very frustrating situation too he's stuck with it but doesn't seem to think that it's not my problem in the same way biting my lip I'm going to blow in a minute..

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 03/08/2014 10:46

He sounds totally disengaged to me, and you just accept it. I'm sorry but I think you should demand more. He can't just be useless, he doesn't have that luxury. He's a father and he has to face reality.

ChiefBillyNacho · 03/08/2014 10:48

Have you tried the school website or the uniform supplier? They should have it.

It's not your issue to sort though really, if your dp has said he would pay, leave it to him. What would they do if you weren't around?

Original poster

Elizabeth120914 · 03/08/2014 10:59

I'm not expecting a solution I'm just really pissed off and ranting I suppose she's totally disinterested in the new school that we fought to get her in which may be teenager ish but i just despair with the lot of them. She's got a chance to be the one in her house that gets a qualification or a job!

He will go and get it but he's clueless and she doesn't care either and it will be wrong And it's a strict catholic school. I want her to have a chance of making a good impression without turning up in plastic shoes from Asda and the wrong style trousers.

If you saw the junk that was hanging round at her house when we collected her last night it's appalling maybe I'm just trying to make her something she won't be you can't detach when she will be the sibling of your own child it reflects on us all.

He's just acting like it's a lost battle she's very hard to interact with with him and I'm just bloody fed up, hormonal and tired. Why the hell would a mother not want to get her kids uniform put the badges on etc..? Bonkers. He just thinks he's doing his duty having her arrgghhh!

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 03/08/2014 11:13

I'm not sure why you're accepting this awful situation. Surely it will all worsen when your baby arrives if you don't address it now?

Your DH has to do much better than this, sorry.

ChiefBillyNacho · 03/08/2014 11:13

I think you may be swimming against the tide of a disinterested Dad who is allowing you to pick up his slack and a mum who is similar.

I do understand, I made every costume dsd ever needed for primary. And I'd sort uniform. But what I came to realise was that I had to be happy to do it because it was what was best for dsd, otherwise the resentment that both her mum and dad were opting out would consume me.

Original poster

Elizabeth120914 · 03/08/2014 11:27

Everyone needs to do better normally I don't mind but we've had a terrible 3 months with the mother and dsd I'm just fed up to death of the situation. If she would atleast speak to us while she's here it would help I don't want a huge amount..

The mother is a waste of oxygen and as for OH he's crap with her now she's older he was good when she was a kid. He's trying to get her to talk now in the car offering her the choice of the music , iPod etc she won't join in and is answering all questions yes or no. He's decided he's not letting her go home so we will have to stick it out until tonight.

We have found a website to order the uniform so he's doing that the shoes etc il take her for as she's asked me. Of course il do the badges and sew the labels on I don't mind I'm just fed up that nothing seems to ever change :(

I think the key is to detach and not care but it's easier said than done I just wanted her to do better for herself than she does it's just sad ..

OP posts:

yoyo27 · 03/08/2014 11:34

You sound lovely and good for you for doing it.

I personally think you should do the opposite off what has been suggested.

Step up EVEN MORE, shame on her parents for not doing it. I bet she blossoms under your guidance and love. She probably feels your annoyance, even if you are trying to hide it. Leave her parents to it and just concentrate on your relationship with her. I'm sure she would appreciate it as she grows up xxx

Original poster

Elizabeth120914 · 03/08/2014 11:54

When I take her for the shoes and stuff I think il do it in the week on our own and sit her down and see if I can get to the bottom of what the problem really is.. Normally if I ask her and listen you get a lot more information than OH or MIL get something's obviously gone on or been said..?

I've had a word bath school this morning and how important it is to make the right impression etc don't know if anythings sunk in but will keep banging my head for a bit longer I wonder how much is being a teenager? Don't have any experience of them myself apart from when I used to be one but that was a long time ago!!

OP posts:

grocklebox · 03/08/2014 12:01

Try thinking about it from her point of view, instead of your own patently selfish one.
That poor child, parents who don't seem to give a shit, and now stepmother ranting about her and complaining about her being there and that its too much trouble and trying to "detach and not care".....does anyone care about this child? No wonder she doesn't talk much.

And she isn't a teenager if she's 11, she's a CHILD.

Alita7 · 03/08/2014 12:35

Grockle box read properly.... obviously the op is putting her dsd first and thinking about her feelings in all this! But this thread is for her to vent about this is affecting HER as a person because let's face it, it is affecting her. She's said she's going to talk to dsd about how she feels and will support her but she is entitled to post to us about how she is feeling too because she also needs support and none of them are going to get it from the ops dp!.

ChiefBillyNacho · 03/08/2014 12:38

I see your point yoyo but if these parents aren't doing it naturally then she won't be able to shame them into anything.

It's a process this detaching thing and accepting the things you can't change. It wont happen overnight. And it must be hard for you seeing your dp be so disinterested knowing that you are having his child.

She is lucky to have you and I bet thats why she follows you around. My dsd certainly looks back and remembers some of the things I did for her, the simple things like blow drying her hair.

Original poster

Elizabeth120914 · 03/08/2014 17:06

Thanks for all the positive input. Went to see MIL at caravan and she was a bit better there. I've just taken her home on my own and had a really good chat. Her mum seems to have twisted what went on a bit over the lost month of contact so I've nicely explained our position without battering her mum.

The school uniform place is only open mon- fri so agreed that me her and MIL will make a day of it which she seems pleased about and dad will take her for the left over stuff explained he wants to be involved too. She has a good school report so I've photocopied it and given her some money maybe might sink in it's a good thing to do well explained we can't afford to keep the expensive trips but if she does well at new school we will look at what we can do maybe something might sink in...

Ex gave me evils bit nothing new there lol

OP posts:

yoyo27 · 03/08/2014 18:14

Grocklebox, how on earth is the OP being selfish???? Aside from everything else, she is heavily pregnant and shouldn't have to do this stuff, only to be given evils from the child's mum!!!!

grocklebox · 03/08/2014 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Boomeranggirl · 03/08/2014 20:38

She signed up to be a step-parent, don't be whinging about actually doing a bit of parenting.

That's a new twist to an old cliche! Have a word with yourself grockle. Suggest you read all of Elizabeth's thread before you start trying to bash her.

Elizabeth I take my hat off to you, your really trying your best for this little girl. When she looks back I'm sure it will be with relief that you were there to talk to in a difficult situation. I really feel sorry for her. Must be very confusing and upsetting being around your dad and not feeling comfortable. Have you thought of some family therapy for the two of them? Maybe it could help them find ways of communicating with each other so they can build a more positive relationship.

Do look after yourself though, that stage of pregnancy is exhausting and you deserve a bit of down time instead of running around trying to pick up the pieces for everyone else.

grocklebox · 03/08/2014 20:42

FFS, why do fools think you haven't read the thread just because you don;t agree with them? Its called a different opinion, try to deal with it.

Flip

1 2