I hate my step kids!

[Tappergirl]

They live with us full time, are parasites, and have ruined my relationship with my husband. Now though, I blame it on him for being spineless and taking every spat as my fault. I dont want to walk away but I can not see another option :-(

Shirley et al, I hadn't read OP's earlier threads or posts, that one about her step daughter and her dh and her sex life is seriously disturbing.

My advice was given as I thought I was speaking to an adult who wanted some input and advice on a particular situation and set of circumstances. Clearly, judging by the posts above the one I posted at 14.37, that is not the case, and as banging your head against a brick wall is only nice when it stops, I shall stop.

Poor children they must have thought their life couldn't get any worse after what they went through with their mother, and lo and behold it did courtesy of a step mother who resents the very air they breathe in the only home they have.

I'm hopping off the roundabout.

"as banging your head against a brick wall is only nice when it stops, I shall stop."

adds that to list of giggle-worthy truisms

Umm. Salty popcorn mixed with Minstrels. The best.

So this mini wife thing is when fathers Can't be bothered to parent and clean and cook and care for their children so the daughter steps up and does it. That sounds like an amazingly mature way for a child to act when a parent can't be arsed. I would be proud of that child. It is funny that boys and mothers don't seem to do it? No one has yet answered why they don't think boys do this?
Op I don't understand why don't have a bond with the kids seeing as you have know and seen them since they were 8 years old? If you were willing to take them on then why not now?
Genuinely you need to stop taking their normal teen behaviours as a personal offence because it isn't. Try and create a real relationship with them. Take the daughter out to dinner, take the son to the cinema.
At home Make your bedroom your solace place when you feel stressed. Watch tv, read, relax with your husband in there. That's your alone place.
Yes teens can be difficult but you need to learn to let it roll off your back and their dad can deal with it. They won't like you trying to parent and it will be horrible and stressful for you to try and parent.

I thoroughly concur with waltermitty. Excellent post.

Excuse the typos

I'm sorry I just don't see this situation as this black and white!

I don't think tapper is as bad as people are saying, this is how she feels and hopefully the kids aren't too aware of it. I can that the problem isn't all tappers attitude, a lot of it is her dp.

BUT I totally agree that by choosing to not doing anything about the situation and just moaning on here instead of either leaving or getting family therapy, tapper is not doing herself any favours and it's going to impact more on the kids. She needs to listen to the constructive advice rather than defending her feelings.

In all honesty I don't think tappers feelings make her a bad person but when it gets to this point I don't see how the feelings can be reversed.

I don't know who you are talking about with regard to the child hating poster... The only poster who I have seen posting frequently here in tappers defence (or more in her own in reality, because everyone turned on her at the slightest hint of defense) Is a poster who I know well from other threads and who seems to love her dscs very much despite many hurdles.

I totally agree with Walter too.

It was about time someone said that, tbh.

Alita I don't know if it makes her a bad person or not.

I do know that if she's half as horrible to people in rl as she is on here, she can't be a very pleasant person to be around, let alone live with.

I wonder does she threaten her dh with suicide when he doesn't agree with her, as she has done to posters on here.

Does a good person do that? Not in my experience.

No, this isn't what you wanted.

Very very few people get exactly what they want in life.

So now, you can leave. You can grow up and find a way to compassionately deal with these members of your family, because they ARE members of your family. Or you can continue to tantrum and make life miserable for yourself, DH, and the DC.

Pick one.

But I also have to say, if I were with a partner who talked about/treated my children this way, I would leave him. No matter how in love we were. Because my children come first.

They are late teens! They won't be there forever.

Alita if you think that the kids are not aware of the OP feels then you are in a dream world I am afraid.

Yes like you assuming he is unhappy.
Dia, not at all - I was responding to other posters' assumption that he was unhappy. I assume no such thing. That was sort of the point. Which is why my post says:
which is that if OP's DH is actually unhappy with the way she is with his kids, he could leave.
See, the words "if" and "actually" were deliberate.

I suspect that some posters feel as if they are 'in the trenches' as it were. I think sections can create a fantastic unity of thought and purpose which can be incredibly positive and mutually supportive.
I think though that when it becomes 'them vs us' and when posters turn themselves inside out to attack anyone they see as being 'them', it is perhaps time to reflect upon who exactly that is helping.

Certainly I have rarely had well intentioned posts twisted and thrown back at me with quite so little justification or quite so much malice. It can't really be productive to be quite so determined to be wronged and aggrieved rather than seek solution.
I think it happens for understandable and very human reasons but it has served little purpose here than to help perpetuate a situation which seems to be making a lot of people very unhappy.

Fairy caravan it's not that I think they don't notice at all, but hopefully In real life tapper treats them ok and they're not constantly being shouted at and she isn't saying what she does on here!
I'm 26 weeks pregnant and seem to randomly switch between loving and hating absolutely everyone but when some ones annoying me I withdraw rather than make my feelings clear - dsd just gets told I'm tired and habit a relax rather than me sitting in the living room snapping at her every 5 minutes - so I hope tapper does a similar thing. But of course we can't know what actually happens and what the kids actually feel!

So this mini wife thing is when fathers Can't be bothered to parent and clean and cook and care for their children so the daughter steps up and does it. That sounds like an amazingly mature way for a child to act when a parent can't be arsed. I would be proud of that child. It is funny that boys and mothers don't seem to do it? No one has yet answered why they don't think boys do this?
Better, I have now posted I believe three or four posts which directly address these 'questions'. It is not in the least about children stepping up and being mature, it is about a poisonous, destructive family dynamic which results in children that are emotionally and socially deprived (far from mature, these children often end up with stunted emotional development) and which also effects other children in the family.

Where has anyone said that boys don't do it? I think I have posted that the professional and academic literature on the subject finds that they do. Hope Edelman does say it is more commonly a dynamic between girls and fathers, and that is also what our counselor told us, but I have had no reason to look further into that particular dynamic; I am sure there is information out there. If you want to actually learn more about it, I will again suggest Edelman and Minuchin as a start, or you can even simply google FST for a start.

Our youngest has just finished uni and there is no way that she could have done it without a financial contribution from us. My husband earned too much and she was only entitled to the lowest possible loan. The loan doesn't even cover the rent, so even with her part time job she couldn't afford to eat. I think those who haven't yet reached this stage will have a massive shock coming.
And in our experience, it has been quite different. DSD is beginning her second year, and can well afford it on her maintenance loan/grant package.