Holidays !

[mamafos]

My SD is 16 and has just announced that her dad has never been there for her and he proves this by doing everything with me and not taking them abroad on holiday. I wasn't there at the time however DP is rubbish at explaining things so I have the job tomorrow - my choice as we are all upset at her outburst, including her obviously and I feel it should be addressed.

We have been together for 8 years now, have had the children every weekend for all of this time up until a year ago when they decided to only come on Sundays as they naturally wanted to go out with friends. DP & I have had a holiday abroad together most years on our own, have always taken them away in the caravan for 2 weeks in the UK and then DP took them to Cyprus on his own one year.

I plan to tell her that it has always been important for dad and I to have holidays together because it is important time for us to build our relationship. We both work full time and I work abroad a lot, we have them every weekend & take them away on hol every year so dad and I also need some time. Also we can't afford to take them abroad every year and pay for their school trips to Germany, a brace, all the fab birthday & christmas presents, pay their mum etc and we have been saving to take them on a caribbean cruise for dad's 50th next Easter (which they know about)

I'd also like to add that I need a holiday with dad for my sanity! She ignores me sometimes as she misses dad and wants his love and attention, which is understandabe but I don't want to go away with someone who ignores me cos she resents me spending time with dad.

But maybe this is going too far.

What do you think? advice PLEASE

I have no experience of what 16 year olds expect these days but is she surrounded by lucky school friends who are all off somewhere exotic? It could be about keeping up with her peers rather than resenting your hard-earned holiday.

Does her Mum take her away? If not, could this be something she has overheard her mum commenting on?

I can see her point about the holidays, you have been abroad every year for 8 years and he has only taken his children once. No teenager is going to see a caravan holiday as being equal to a holiday abroad.

I think I'd agree with the previous poster and not say most of that stuff about needing the time away to build your relationship. Although it's true I'm not sure many 16yos will appreciate the needs of adult relationships. And she'll probably argue that why does your time together need to take the form of foreign holidays but her holidays are in caravans in the UK?

I think I'd take the line that you're sorry she's upset. Possibly point out that she's been abroad with her mum (if she has) and say that if she's really keen to do a foreign trip with you maybe that's something you and DP can think about for next year.

Teenagers, whether step or not, can be vile.

I wouldn't give as much detail. I would simply say you and DP always find time once a year to be alone together; it's not been a problem before and it is no different now. Hold you line.

Then listen really, really carefully to find out what is really up. Though perhaps DP should be doing that? If he won't, do your best, and I hope it works out.

It's up to her dad to speak to her about this. Not anybody else. Especially as it's him she's railing against.

I am 45 and still (a tiny bit) pissed off that my dad used to take SM/S siblings on trips to Spain and the like when dsis and I were never invited. Maybe you should be doing it the other way round - you have the mobile home holidays with DH....

Jeez, my parents went abroad every year and took us maybe twice - in my 18 years living at home. I had no problem with that - or if I did my parents would have thought my outrage nothing more than hilarious! Why would you even be feeling obliged to take them abroad. Am at those who think your dsd is entitled to share your holiday abroad!!

My SD is 16 and has just announced that her dad has never been there for her and he proves this by doing everything with me and not taking them abroad on holiday

I could, when younger, come up with any number of unfairnesses which were the reason I was distressed. Everyone else has nicer clothes/ everyone gets to go on nice holidays/ everyone else gets taken to ? somewhere or other. Often the real reason was my hoped for future boyfriend had gone off with someone else/ my best friend was having a night out without inviting me along.

Perhaps I am trivializing but I wouldn't try to justify your decisions. Ask her in what way her DF hasn't been there for her? DH needs to speak to her and explain how hurt he is. She probably hasn't thought it through.

You sound very excluding. You and her dad are being very unfair.

You should be treating all children yours, his, yours jointly equally. They are all your family and you shouldn't be taking family holidays without inviting her.

You can't offset a brace and an exchange trip to Germany against your family holiday. That's just a weird thing to do.

My daughter has a brace, I don't tell her she can't come on the family holiday because we've spent a lot of money on her brace.

We took ours everywhere we went. I wouldn't have dreamed of going abroad without them. Ours lived with us, so we couldn't leave them behind even if we wanted to

I really really wouldn't mention any of that stuff about everything else you have to pay for like braces. Your DH should be explaining that you two need some time together because you both work so hard. I don't know if it should be pointed out that the cost of a couple going abroad is far less than the cost of a whole family going, presumably during school holidays, making it even more. She's old enough to figure that out, really, even if it seems unfair to her.

It's not a family holiday, it's a couples holiday, polonium, the op makes no mention of any resident children or indeed any children going with them on their foreign holidays.
I think you're blowing this out of proportion in your planned response, OP, teenagers moan about the infairness of life, they always have and they always will. Just tell her you're all going abroad on holiday next year and forget about it - in terms of teenage strops this is minor.

The SD has a very good point doesn't she?

Fact that her dad isn't even the one responding to her, kind of points it out even more.

You time - fine. You time abroad every year when the kids get the UK caravan - you can see why she might be upset, surely? It's not exactly encouraging a feeling of "family" when they are clearly second class when it comes to holidays.

Don't try to justify it; it won't go done well. Get her father to talk to her, tell her honestly he loves her. You doing it won't help!

JeanSeberg - exactly!

It's very very easy to find explanations and excuses for self interest when it's your holiday but not your child in the situation.

I've been the step daughter for whom it was too expensive/difficult etc to do the "good" things, while somehow it was always possible for my dad and step mum and later their kids.

I still feel like a second class citizen where they are concerned. I have learnt to accept and live with it but I would never do the same to a child.

Shirley - yes that feeling of being second class/less important. It grates with me now. And was so fucking unnecessary.

It totally depends on what the children get already. My step kide go on holiday twice a year with their mum step dad or nanna and grandad. So sorry y'all but i think taking the step kids holiday when they already go on holidays it too far and unfair.

It totally depends on what the children get already. My step kide go on holiday twice a year with their mum step dad or nanna and grandad. So sorry y'all but i think taking the step kids holiday when they already go on holidays it too far and unfair.

Mama food I think you have your head screwed on the right way, you should trust your instincts.

The key here is not who goes on holiday with who, when, the key factor is that she's 16 and going through several hormonal, neurological and psychological stages of change. Learn what you can about the turbulence of teendom. Her brain is hugely sensitive to social cues, and at the same time vastly more proactive but also more likely to need adrenaline stimulation. None of these factors are her own doing, it's just growing up.

So the best thing you can do is be that rock that she might want to rail against but also that she might want to lean on. That's why I say trust your instincts, because the teen brain can spot a fake a mile away. They need solid people around them.

As she is sensitive to social cues you need to alter the way you communicate, so lots of smiles, eye contact, listening and connecting. It's almost irrelevant what you say to her, it's about how you say it and that you are being trustworthy and honest.

And when she causes a scene, remember that it's just something she needs to do, to give her that adrenaline hit, it doesn't really mean a lot in the greater scheme of things and she will forget about it as long as you remain solid and unflinching.

Thank you for your comments, some good points there. I wish DP could address this issue but he just is not good at explaining things and i do not think we should ignore her so I am going to approach the situation

I agree I should keep it brief and listen to her but at the end of the day she needs to understand she can't have everything she wants. The cruise is costing us £10k! And we have been saving for years to take them so I'm afraid money does come into it however I take your points about including the cost of other things.

A conversation I am not looking forward to ....

Thank you, such good advice. I will let you know how it goes