Holidays !

[mamafos]

My SD is 16 and has just announced that her dad has never been there for her and he proves this by doing everything with me and not taking them abroad on holiday. I wasn't there at the time however DP is rubbish at explaining things so I have the job tomorrow - my choice as we are all upset at her outburst, including her obviously and I feel it should be addressed.

We have been together for 8 years now, have had the children every weekend for all of this time up until a year ago when they decided to only come on Sundays as they naturally wanted to go out with friends. DP & I have had a holiday abroad together most years on our own, have always taken them away in the caravan for 2 weeks in the UK and then DP took them to Cyprus on his own one year.

I plan to tell her that it has always been important for dad and I to have holidays together because it is important time for us to build our relationship. We both work full time and I work abroad a lot, we have them every weekend & take them away on hol every year so dad and I also need some time. Also we can't afford to take them abroad every year and pay for their school trips to Germany, a brace, all the fab birthday & christmas presents, pay their mum etc and we have been saving to take them on a caribbean cruise for dad's 50th next Easter (which they know about)

I'd also like to add that I need a holiday with dad for my sanity! She ignores me sometimes as she misses dad and wants his love and attention, which is understandabe but I don't want to go away with someone who ignores me cos she resents me spending time with dad.

But maybe this is going too far.

What do you think? advice PLEASE

[KneeQuestion]

Your DP should explain. Maybe he is reluctant because he knows the whole thing is out of order/his daughter has a point?

we both work full time and I work abroad a lot, we have them every weekend & take them away on hol every year so dad and I also need some time

You can have 'time' anywhere, it doesn't need to be abroad does it? Be honest, you want the holiday abroad!

Also we can't afford to take them abroad every year and pay for their school trips to Germany, a brace, all the fab birthday & christmas presents, pay their mum etc and we have been saving to take them on a caribbean cruise for dad's 50th next Easter

But you manage to cover the cost of your annual holiday abroad? sounds tough.

Seriously, don't have this 'talk' with your DSD. It's only going to make things worse.

[ChiefBillyNacho]

Ooh I'd definitely be giving that conversation a miss! I'm in a similar position. We've been offered the chance to go abroad, and while it would be affordable for us, it just doesn't sit right to go if we can't go with dd and dsd.

Meanwhile we have a long term dream, and make really good use of our caravan. As soon as dd is with her Dad there's a squeal of tyres and we are off.

[lunar1]

How sad for your step daughter that her dad can't find a way to communicate with her. I imagine that his poor parenting goes a long way to how she is feeling right now.

[mamafos]

Yes we can have time anywhere and yes we do enjoy a holiday abroad sight seeing etc together. I am not going to apologize for that. I must say you sound quite bitter

[KneeQuestion]

Me?

I have no reason to be bitter!

My Dad and step Mum enjoyed holidays abroad every year, but my Dad would also take me and my brother abroad on holiday. To address the affordability issue, he would take us and my step Mum would stay home. if foreign holidays were not affordable any particular year, then it would be a caravan holiday for us kids and they would have a weekend UK city break or similar.

Nothing wrong with wanting grown up alone time. It isn't necessary to be a martyr to parenting, but there is a balance between martyrdom and selfishness.

[Alita7]

It's a difficult one, I can see both sides.
It may be that going abroad as a 3 would be problematic as you just want a break and time with your dp and she'd want time with her Dad and to be busy doing activities.
To get round It I think I would have had a holiday abroad with her every other year and a UK trip together and then switch it round every other year. But it's easy to say retrospectively.

[isthisanacidtest]

The worst thing you can do is try to have this conversation with her - you need to leave it to her Dad.

And fwiw I think she has a fair point.

[JenniferJo]

She's behaving like a spoilt brat. She's getting a wonderful holiday next year, she has school trips abroad and her father pays more than he needs to.

She's 16 and almost an adult not a sensitive 6 year old, if she wants more she can get herself a part time job like most young people do.

[Alita7]

I suppose when it comes to it, I can see why a child would feel left out.
But a mature older teen or adult should be thinking, actually they paid for me to go abroad with school and probably can't really afford to pay for me to go on another holiday abroad.
In some ways you could say this is your holiday ( possibly in a style someone without kids would want) and your dp just comes too...

[purpleroses]

When DH and I go away without the kids we describe our holidays as full of boring museums and long walks. It helps a bit to emphasise all the things the DC aren't so likely to enjoy.

[Gettingmeback]

Your thread OP has given me food for thought. DH and I go overseas every year. So does DSDs mum. Both without DSD. Then DH and I have other trips through the year with DSD. We have no children of our own and I relish this time together. But I don't want this to become something that affects her later in life. If we had our own DCs, I can see the issue with feelings of exclusion but I had thought just us adults is more understandable. I could well be wrong. I have told DH if he wants to plan a trip with DSD without me that is fine. But he won't. This issue is obviously more complicated than I had thought.

[mamafos]

Yes definately more complicated, the upshot of it all is when it is her time she thinks it should be 100% her time and not ring, text or be with anyone else. I shouldnt have any opinion on their lives as i am not their parent, her mum tells her step dad that and therefore so should DP. I think this is absolutely disgusting and explains a lot. I am proud of myself however, i didnt get angry or upset and addressed some hurtful issues which i know she wont understand until she is older. I am pleased we talked however as she needs to understand i am a part of the family and have feelings. I m not sure she feels that way however i have answered certain issues and given her food for thought in others. My thanks to all of you for such good advice however i think the most beneficial was to go with your instinct. So true!

[Alita7]

I think when you haven't got your own kids you understandably want adults holidays away but when you're with someone with kids it becomes difficult!
I've resigned myself to never having a romantic holiday, I hadn't had one before dp and he has 3 kids and I'm about to have our first together so I doubt I'd want to leave him for years anyway!

[mamafos]

And thats great, you do what is right for you at the time. Nobody has the right to judge anyone but its always helpful to receive advice in challenging situations

[BreakOutTheKaraoke]

If she lived with you/ was your daughter, I doubt very much you would be going on holiday without her every year. A weekend away maybe, but a week or two abroad every year is not likely. Why should she be left out because she doesn't live with her dad? It's all well and good that you need time to 'build your relationship with DP', but it sounds like thats not the relationship that is likely to fail I'd say he/ you need to put effort into your family relationships as a priority.

[Madamecastafiore]

Why do you need to be in a different country to build your relationship?

Sorry I find all this v v odd.

Do you have a budget for DSD and once have spent out for braces, school trips etc that's it? Do you have a contingency in case of emergencies?

[Alita7]

I really don't think it's odd for a step mum to want to go on holiday without her dscs! And for her to want to relax with her dp.
I wouldn't do it, but In many ways because we can't rather than because we don't want to.

I think it's like when dsd is on school holidays like now and she lives with us and there's been some issues with mum contact so she's probably going to be here all holiday. Sometimes we stay in our room while she's watching a film or ask her to play in her room for an hour or two to get a break, this is kind of the same thing on a much larger scale!

[BreakOutTheKaraoke]

But as a result of the OP doing that, the SD now feels as though she's not part of the family. If her mum sent her off to stay at her dads while she went on holiday on a regular basis, the response would probably be that she was being unreasonable. Why is it different as its her dad?

[trevortrevorslattery]

I wouldn't try to justify your decisions

I realise you've already had the chat but just wanted to say I agree with this. I think this is a stroppy teenager issue as much as a DSC issue.

[gingercat2]

Well my DP is step dad to my DD, and I think I would completely understand if he wanted a nice holiday without her once a year. From the other side of the fence I can see that it's really hard being a step parent. I think that making our partnership relationship strong is one of the best gifts I can give my daughter, as it will hopefully be a model of a healthy relationship for her. And if a nice holiday together each year was required for that couple time I think it would be reasonable.

[unrealhousewife]

Im glad it went OK. She will respect you for being clear and honest and for remaining calm. It might not show for a while though. Life is very black or white at that age, you need to sneak the grey areas in without them noticing!

[Happybeard]

So all year long her dad's only important enough for one day of the week... Then the possibility of a posh holiday and she expects two weeks on the two of you? This makes me really cross. My dsd rarely deigns to visit her dad/us yet will be arriving here next Friday all packed and ready to enjoy the family holiday with us

[Happybeard]

I never understand the "if you had kids together you wouldn't get to go away just the two of you" business. For one, lots of people do ship the kids off to granny's etc. to go away. And for another, they don't have children together... OP must barely know her dsd given the amount of time they spend together. It would be like a near stranger crashing the one break she gets away with her husband. If the dd was both of theirs she'd more than likely want her there.

[unrealhousewife]

Bitter happybeard?

[ChiefBillyNacho]

She does know her well though they had her every weekend for 7 years.