If you don't get maintenace for your DC's did your new partner just accept this and take on the responsibility that you came as a package?

[Barbs111]

Will keep this brief I don't get maintenance from my ex for my children, try my hardest call CSA regularly etc and debt it mounting up but after 6 years still not got a penny and to be honest I don't think I ever will, I have accepted this!

I'm pregnant by my bf and we have spoke about moving in together but I'm really bothered by a few comments he made, he got very shirty with me saying I need to get maintenance for my DC's and I would have to ask EXH for this, I have asked! he says no, if CSA can't get it from him then I have no chance!

When I pressed further on this issus it became apprant that he feels strongly that he should not have to support my DC's if we live together! I do work part time but will soon be on maternity!

So clearly if we live together I will lose a huge amount of my income in benfits and sll my childcare allowance and my wages would only just cover the weekly food shop and nothing else!

I'm really concerned about this attitude! Yes it would be fantastic if my ex supported his children but surley if you become a blended/step family isn't it just expected that you take on the whole family and live as one on the household income ?

Brdgrl , sorry I'm not ignoring you everything is bluring into one!

Basically he is suggesting moving in and covering the rent only but says he will pay any expense for his child I.e clothing/formula.

Currently I can manage my household through a mixture of tax credits/wages but if he moves in this will stop meaning the only income I will be able to bring into the house would be 100 per week out of this I would have to support myself, my 2 DC's and all the other household bills, which frankly is not doable! This wage will not even cover the childcare when I go back to work!

I would be losing around £300 pound per week as I would be entilted to nothing because he is a high earner!

I do understand his anyoyance at the fact I do get any CSA but it's not through lack of trying even now 6 years done the road I'm still putting huge pressure on CSA but I have come to terms with the fact EXH doesn't pay and is never really going to be likely to be forced to!

This thread wasn't just me wanting him to be slated and called a cock, it's also a lot to do with his attitude as I think he clearly is not seeing us as a whole family unit... Which surly if were going to take the next step and move into get her that's what we will be! I have to consider the impact this will have on my children as I would like anyone who is on a relationship/moves in with me to be a huge part of there life's/the family but I'm seeing it more as he is not really wanting to become there "stepdad" just really my live in boyfriend!

So I think I really need to question the whole thing and where this relationship is actually going and if it has a future!

Please if I have missed anything else you wanted answered let me know!

"he is suggesting moving in and covering the rent only but says he will pay any expense for his child I.e clothing/formula."

This is ridiculous. That's not how living in a family works. Is he going to do a separate supermarket shop? What happens when the baby is eating normal food with the rest of the family, is he going to split it 50/50? What happens if he has a bigger appetite or the baby doesn't eat as much as your other child. Is he going to pay petrol only for certain school runs and not others?

I think you're right that he wants to be a live in boyfriend. Baffling why he doesn't realise that this is really not an option!

You've got it. He doesn't see you as a family unit and the fact that he doesn't want to support your children shows that. Better he says so now than ending up living with someone who it turns out resents money going towards them. He also doesn't seem bothered about the overall impact financially of moving in. Who does he think about? Just himself by the sound of it.

All our resources are pooled and spent as if all the children were our own. And if I ever get maintenance it's going straight into an account for dd for uni. Dp is completely on board with that.

Ltb, if he is on 50k a year you'll get shitloads of maintenance

I'm seeing it more as he is not really wanting to become there "stepdad" just really my live in boyfriend!
Sorry, barbs, of course you don't have to answer my questions here or at all. I do think, sincerely, that you ought to answer them privately, at least. What I was trying to get at with those other questions is what YOU want him to be to them. Are you happy for him to make decisions about them? Or do YOU want him to be a live in boyfriend who pays their bills? They have a father, and although he doesn't pay maintenance, he's still involved in their lives, by the sound of it. So what role do you imagine for your BF?

If you really see it as being as simple as your OP suggests, then my advice is to end the relationship. It is just not that cut and dried, and if you don't adapt and recognize that, I think that you are going to find that your BF and you aren't able to create a family at all, because there wil be too much (justifiable, perhaps) resentment on both sides.

This is just my opinion, it is based on not just my own experience, but lots and lots of time reading other people's experiences here. If I can offer two final tiny bits of advice, it would be these - 1, read the threads on here - all of them, going back as far as you can stand to read - you will see that these are not just abstract or hypothetical scenarios, but things that come up over and over again. 2, get yourself and your BF to a financial adviser, even if you are NOT going to move in together but especially if you go back to considering that.

I had only just started receiving maintenance after two years when I met DH and it wasn't a lot. Never bothered him in the sense that it had an impact on him he just obviously thought it was shitty for me to have done it alone for two years. We have a joint account now and he earns three times what I do and not once has he made a comment. I'd feel pretty shitty if he did kick up a fuss about something I can't control - that he spends far more on my kids than their bio dad

I think you need to sit down and have a really long and serious discussion about family finances. Not just in a general vague way but really digging down onto the budget seeing who would pay what/how etc. How the rest is divided up.

i would do this now and then consider my position after this, i think this conversation will tell you an awful lot about yr fella. Sadly i don't think its gonna be good news. :-(