If you don't get maintenace for your DC's did your new partner just accept this and take on the responsibility that you came as a package?

[Barbs111]

Will keep this brief I don't get maintenance from my ex for my children, try my hardest call CSA regularly etc and debt it mounting up but after 6 years still not got a penny and to be honest I don't think I ever will, I have accepted this!

I'm pregnant by my bf and we have spoke about moving in together but I'm really bothered by a few comments he made, he got very shirty with me saying I need to get maintenance for my DC's and I would have to ask EXH for this, I have asked! he says no, if CSA can't get it from him then I have no chance!

When I pressed further on this issus it became apprant that he feels strongly that he should not have to support my DC's if we live together! I do work part time but will soon be on maternity!

So clearly if we live together I will lose a huge amount of my income in benfits and sll my childcare allowance and my wages would only just cover the weekly food shop and nothing else!

I'm really concerned about this attitude! Yes it would be fantastic if my ex supported his children but surley if you become a blended/step family isn't it just expected that you take on the whole family and live as one on the household income ?

I admit I misunderstood the OPs original message. So apologies for jumping on the wrong bandwagon. I totally agree that where step parents and blended families are concerned then all children should be treated equal. It's par for the course.

I don't have experience of the ops position either but I was just trying to see it from the bfs perspective. (Albeit I was barking up the wrong tree)

If benefits are lost as a result of a DP moving in then he needs to try to compensate to a degree. It's not fair if the OP and her kids suffer as a result. She didn't ask to be pregnant again and have her DP move in. It's about compromise an i can see it seems to be the OP who is doig most/ all of it to the detriment of her kids. Not fair at all and I'd tell your DP to cough up or don't bother moving in until he can be a grown up!

I hate money because it cause no end of problems for people.

My family set up works just fine and like I say I would never grudge my DPs kids anything. And we all get on well for the most part. I knew what I was getting myself into when I started going out wih a man with kids. But he also knows I have no kids so doesn't expect me to pay for anything with regards to his kids. I do out of niceness and love for them.

Always :) that sounds like a good and fair arrangement.

I think when it comes to money it's dangerous to make assumptions or go in blind. Making sure you're both on the same page is vital for any relationship to work.

I couldn't stand being with someone tight. That's because I'm not. I always expect to pay my own way and in the early days I enjoyed treating dh. Had he been stingey I wouldn't have been attracted to him.

Communication is key. If you didn't have dcs, and he is someone who would happily see you go without whilst he spent his extra cash on himself (assuming a disparity in income) that wouldn't be attractive either.

At times I have earned more, currently dh does, it's all been one pot as that what suits us. It would be weird to be a couple and have different levels of lifestyle.

Just out of interest why did you decide to have a baby with this man??

I've never received a penny from ex for my dc, my lovely dp of 3 years has never questioned this, we both work full time and he pays for my dc and buys them things without hesitation.

I would be wary with this not-so-gentleman. While I believe that DCs are ultimately the responsibility of their biological parents, he'll have to pay his fair share to the household, after all you want to live a life together, not two separate ones, yes? This is called commitment, though I would not go as far as saying he has to share ALL of the expenses.

We have DSD full time, and I'm the main earner. This means I made up for any shortfall in tax credits etc. by taking over about 80% of the household expenses.... of course this also includes expenses for SD (meaning food at home, clothes including school uniforms, some of her hobbies etc), however I draw the line at paying for school meals and educational fees (meaning I won't pay for her Uni fees, should she make it that far), I think this is something her parents should come up with. Now her mother is really a waste of space who did not have any proper contact with DSD in the past 10 years, and only recently went gushing on about how "she's missing everything" and now has 1 night a week of contact. Bless her. Not.

Either way she has never paid child support in the past 6 years, but I am pushing my husband to contact the CSA, as I'm fed up with her Disney Mum (inconsistent, only there when it suits her, pandering to her daughter - yes, such thing exists) attitude, while really contributing nothing useful. Then she could at least make my life a little easier by contributing financially. ;)

I think the first thing to realize is that there is no legal financial obligation for a new partner to provide for existing DSC - as needs says, any contribution is voluntary. Emotionally or 'morally', clearly there are some situations where there'd be more of an argument that a stepparent should provide, and some situations where there really isn't much of a moral/emotional justification at all. So that needs to be got out of the way. Ideas about how a stepaprent should provide are opinions, and often don't reflect reality.

Other thoughts about the situation...

• If the OP were moving in with the BF after an unexpected pregnancy, and he had the two older children, but wasn't working, and she was the high(er) earner, would everyone feel the same way? If he was RP to children and their mum was paying no maintenance, but still involved in the kids' lives and buying them gifts?

• At the very least, you and your BF need to see a financial adviser. I'd also suggest no move-in until you have been to some counseling to discuss these practicalities as well as the emotional expectations.

• The DC's father does still buy things for his children, such as the gifts you mention. Perhaps he has extended family who do as well. How will that factor into this idea of fairness and all the children being 'treated the same'? If he buys a laptop for his own child, do you expect him then to buy similarly for the new kid to whom he is not related? If not, then how are you going to avoid the older kids getting gifts from two households (if not more, thru extended family), while your shared baby only 'gets' from one household? Do the older kids spend time with their father? Have things at his home, or a room there? Are there grandparents with any kind of involvement? That can lead to all sorts of "tiered" living, where some children in the home get more than others. You can't expect your BF to provide exactly the same for all three kids, while at the same time they have another family that gives them (in whatever proportion or amount) time, money, gifts, attention, space, etc...You can't have it both ways. With different paternal families, the kids probably aren't going to have identical lives. How are you and your BF going to address that? It is another thing you need to be on the same page about.

-Thinks he is king because he actually paid £300 for my pram last week after I dragged him to the stop and demanded he buy it, but I have easily spent over £300 on all the other baby equipment we need!
Are you deciding what baby equipment is needed, or are you BOTH making these determinations? I'd never, ever, spend £300 on a pram, so if my DP had decided that was what we needed for our DD and dragged me to a shop and demanded I pay for it - I'd have walked out of there on the spot. And that's about my own DD, let alone if he were having similar expectations that he choose and I pay for things for his own kids. I actually think this is a really revealing statement. No wonder your BF is concerned about what his role is going to be, financially!

• To go back to your original question - surely if you become a blended/step family isn't it just expected that you take on the whole family and live as one on the household income ? - I think actually my answer is no. Because 1, nothing about blended family finances should be "just expected" - there are way too many things to consider and way too many complications. And 2, because that "you" needs to be more clearly a plural "you"...I mean that "taking on" a family has to mean much more than financing the status quo.

• If your BF says "yes, great, I'm happy to support all five of us, but I think we need to move to a smaller house/a new town/cancel these activities/change our meals/stop buying x that the kids like/not take a holiday this year/[fill in the blank]", what will your response be?

• What about the long-term future? If he says "I'm the main earner now, and I'd really like to put some part of my earnings into a trust fund for my DD", what will your response be? Would you expect him to provide exactly the same for your older children? Would you take anything they have similarly had provided for them and share it out amongst all three? If they inherit from their dad, will a third be given to your youngest? Unless he is adopting your children, he is NOT as responsible for them as he is for his own, and he'd be a poor dad not to make sure that his child's future was protected, if he'd means to do so. If he also has means to make gifts to your and your XH's kids, that would be lovely - but they aren't his responsibility.

If your BF were posting to ask for advice, I think I'd be advising him not to move in, that it would be premature, that not nearly enough planning and discussion has gone on, and that he's in danger of finding himself in a very tricky position. I feel for him, actually.

brdgrl is talking sense. I would bristle as well if my DH would expect me to pay for any extras that he 'deemed necessary' without consulting me, neither do I expect him to contribute to any of my sometimes rather wild ideas, or even things required for the household that go beyond the basic needs.
There is a difference to shared household income (meaning mortgage/rent, utilities, food, in some cases car expenses), extras and things which require special legal attention... i.e. I will not pay for DSDs holidays, neither will she inherit anything from me.

Fucking hell! I wish people would read the bloody thread and stop making hypothetical alternative situations!

Why the hell should op lose her benefits to let this man move in and play happy families with his child and op and sod the rest of the kids that were there before him? Who is going to make up the short fall for him moving in?

op wants CS off her ex but he won't give it!

She is not asking her dickhead bf to pay her dc CS but to contribute to the house hold as a family.

Just paying the sodding rent is not enough.

If he moves in he takes on the responsibility of being a step parent. A good role model for all the dc , this has to come with financial responsibility too.

When I moved in with dp, I lost my benefits and money wash shared equally. In fact there has been many times when it was dp wages that paid for dd1 birthday and Xmas presents as it was him that got paid first, but at the end if the day it didn't matter because it's family money.

The same applied when it was my wage that paid for his old bag DM birthday present as it's family money.

If he is not mature enough to take you all on as a package and step up then FFS DO NOT let him move in.

He won't change, there will be a divide in the kids and you will on here complaining he is a cunt and you want him out.

brd Dp paid £1300 for dd2 pram, it's fuckng awesome. Each to there own. And I don't feel sorry for him, I feel sorry fir op having a baby with someone who is going to be fundamentally fucking selfish and immature.

Who cares what you call the money - subsidising your ex's missing maintenance/a contribution towards bills/making up the shortfall lost in tax credits by becoming a 2 adult household - if your BF moves in he needs to contribute as his bills will be significantly less, as will your income.

Wherever the money comes from currently and wherever it may or may not be coming from if he moves in, you need to sit down and do some sums, work out how much better or worse each of you would be individually in either case (whether he moves in or not) and then decide between you whether it is worth moving this relationship onto the next level or not. More importantly it will help you to see if you are really compatible on the big things.

FWIW, if you have a child with him and he regularly stays at yours you may find it difficult to convince the relevant authorities that you are actually a single mum, so for simplicity's sake it might be better to suck up a slight loss than to tend up in a situation where you are reliant on tax credits and they are stopped because there are questions over the legitimacy of your claim. I don't know what the legalities are in this situation - perhaps someone more knowledgable can advise?

I have a BF who stays at my house 3-4 nights a week. He has his own place where he stays with his DCs the other 3-4 nights so anyone who wanted to check could clearly see that he doesn't 'live' here, but if I had his baby and we continued to have this kind of relationship, with him contributing to the upkeep of the baby, it would feel like a very different situation and not one I think I'd be very comfortable with. I'd be waiting for someone to make that call to the benefit fraud hotline every day!

We have discussed the implications of living together and I would find it very hard to be reliant on someone else's money now. (I appreciate that the support I get through tax credits is also other people's money in a sense, but it is awarded directly to me and I choose how it is spent.) He is very generous and would happily support me and my DCs, but I know it would throw up some awkward situations when they are older wrt uni fees, home deposits etc.

These are all big things that need discussing and resolving before any major steps are taken. We are not remotely considering moving in at any point soon and have no plans for a baby either, but still we have managed to talk about these things in the natural course of our relationship - do you feel like you are able to communicate with him generally?

Barbs, you post ad nauseous about this twat who duffer you up. He's a cocklodging arse and needs got rid of.

Nauseum, that is. Bloody auto correct.

£300 for a complete travel system with car seat and carry cot is cheap!!! Can't seem to get anything else seems to be above the £500 pound mark, you could easily spend £1000 plus on a pram,

We actually decided between both of us that we didn't want to spend more than £400 on a travel system so I felt pyre try pleased with myself when I found my perfect one for £300 in both out eyes £500-£1000 for a blinking pram was silly..... That would made the buggy worth more than my car!

But other than that no he has not so much as contributed towards a packet of nappies for the baby! And anyone who has children and had to buy everything again from nursey furniture to clothes, bibs and nappies knows this costs slot, what I was saying is I have footed the whole bill for everything else including cot, mattress, bedding etc

What are you going to do op?

Moving in is not a option at the moment so that idea is 100% off the cards!

Also think we need a long chat about the whole relationship

Sounds sensible.

Good luck on your new baby ??

Ltb

If he's like this now he is only going to cause you and new DC further heartbreak in the future.

You've managed fine before.

Cut him loose and start again before you're in too deep.

Plus it's best to register the birth yourself.

When you have the chat about your relationship OP make sure that you discuss finances for if you do move in together and CS payments if you decide that you don't want to continue with the relationship. I think he might be forgetting that he will have to support the baby one way or another. It could even be that his CS payments will be more than the rent he's willing to pay if you do live together. IMO he doesn't seem the type to willingly pay CS.

Weatherall can I ask why your suggesting I registrar the birth myself???? Is there some type of legal issues I might face that I'm unaware of? Thanks x

brd Dp paid £1300 for dd2 pram, it's fuckng awesome. Each to there own.
If you have 2 kids and are about to have a third, if you are looking at a decrease in income as moving to maternity leave, and are concerned about money because "I will lose a huge amount of my income in benfits and sll my childcare allowance and my wages would only just cover the weekly food shop and nothing else!"
Then no, not "each to there own".

OP isn't going to think about or answer any of the points I've raised, though, just wants to hear that her BF is in the wrong. Okeydokey. Glad I spent time thinking about this situation and trying to give an actual response with, you know, advice and everything.

But he doesn't seem to want to pay for his own baby, talk less of ops kids.

Op if he stays round your house too often that could be classed as cohabiting so be careful

He is tight beyond belief

Please make sure you get maintenance from him via the Csa. I think for one child it's 15% of his earnings. You'd be better off with that than living with him whilst trying to get blood from a stone