If you don't get maintenace for your DC's did your new partner just accept this and take on the responsibility that you came as a package?

[Barbs111]

Will keep this brief I don't get maintenance from my ex for my children, try my hardest call CSA regularly etc and debt it mounting up but after 6 years still not got a penny and to be honest I don't think I ever will, I have accepted this!

I'm pregnant by my bf and we have spoke about moving in together but I'm really bothered by a few comments he made, he got very shirty with me saying I need to get maintenance for my DC's and I would have to ask EXH for this, I have asked! he says no, if CSA can't get it from him then I have no chance!

When I pressed further on this issus it became apprant that he feels strongly that he should not have to support my DC's if we live together! I do work part time but will soon be on maternity!

So clearly if we live together I will lose a huge amount of my income in benfits and sll my childcare allowance and my wages would only just cover the weekly food shop and nothing else!

I'm really concerned about this attitude! Yes it would be fantastic if my ex supported his children but surley if you become a blended/step family isn't it just expected that you take on the whole family and live as one on the household income ?

alwaystryinhtobeafraid I think the issue is the fact that these children don't have a father and also live in the home where he's planing to move into. You couldn't really move in ,spend all your money on your one kid and then watch your partners others kids go without ,not see their dad etc...

My partner pays Maintenance for his children but I would never pay his Maintenance for him. They have a mum who they live with ,and get money off their dad. Why do they need a third person providing for them ? However if partners children lived with us and didn't see their mother then I would step up and try and be a mother to them - which would include paying for them.

I am a single parent and work, get some benefits and also get child maintenance. With this combination I am ok. My boyfriend and I have talked about moving in together but if we did my benefits would go so I would need to earn more money. It would hardly be fair to expect him to support my DC. If I were to get pregnant (not intending to but I realise it can happen) then it would change things as the child would be his, but I'm really not sure how it would work.

Thanks you lots of valid points made and things to consider!

I currently support my household well on my own and have done since my split with ex husbsnd through a mixture of hard work and tax credits! We will reasonably ok, I budget well!

Even with being in maternity financially I will be ok and be able to support my family! So in answer to the poster that asked what I would do for money if he moved in and it sll went wrong, well I would do the same work hard and support my family with my wages and tax credits like I have been doing for 6 years!

But financially if he moved in I would pretty much lose everything, my bf is a reasonably high earner so all benefits would stop to!

Also in answer to the people who asked: while my ex doesn't pay maintenace he does pay half towards the bigger residential school trips, buys some uniform, shoes, school bags etc ready for every September and he always does the buy the expensive iPod/laptop for Xmas for them!

When it comes to money and things I think my bf agrees that I don't go over bored birthdays I usually budget around £100 for a gift for them

I my DPs children lived here full time and he didn't get a penny from their mum then I too would step up but I wouldn't have to and not should I be expected to. I think it's a discussion that should happen - I'd never see my DPs kids go without even with a mother who looks after them half the time.

I just can't help but see it from the OPs bf point of view.

Is he really that bad that he wouldn't look after his DSC to some extent?

I agree with what everyone is saying but I feel we are missing the point and if it were me well I would never see anyone struggle or go without especially if I love my DP. I'd do anything to make sure his kids has clothes on their back and a roof over their head and food on the table.

OP expects her bf to move in and pay for all of them. Because she doesn't get maintenance from her ex and as a result of fb moving in she will lose benefits. I think fb should be helping make up the loss in income and I think he should be providing for his own child. I think that as a step father figure it would be nice if he treated both kids he same but fact is OP had managed this long without maintenance so why now is she expecting her bf to pay for her child? Surely that side of things still falls under her responsibility ? I think it's a really complex situation and dependant on the character of bf. little things like ice creams at the van - I'm sure he wouldn't buy for one and not the other.

Are you actually reading the OPs posts always?

At least you know new baby's father recognises non resident fathers have a duty to pay regular maintenance OP

gamechick I have read the original post- so I get where she is coming from but I can also see where the bf is coming from.

frontier I like you're style - made me laugh a wee bit.

I do apologise if I sounded harsh or if I have missed the point. I do however think the bf sounds like a twat. But you can't help who you love and OP - you probably know this and already you have said he isn't moving in just yet but a long hat about future finances is require I think. I hope he steps up and can be a father like presence in your kids life and contributes to the relationship as a step parent should xx

What your bf and always are proposing is that they stay "bf or gf" and are not actually ever a part of the family.

There are stories of lovely non-resident step parents on here, who continue to pay maintenance whilst their partner is out of work, because they can see that the dcs don't suddenly stop costing money, and maintenance is about providing for children's needs.

When dh moved in here it was to become a member of our family. The money I lost when he moved in meant my wage along with the maintenance I receive, would not be enough to feed and clothe the dcs, and pay the mortgage. That's before any possible treats.

Dh saw moving in as joining the family and taking responsibility for the dcs. We have one pot of money. There is no "his and mine".

Being a step parent is incredibly hard. I don't envy anyone in that position. But it's a choice you make when you get involved with someone with dcs. The dcs must come first.

Op, with his attitude I would carry on as you are. How he can insist on maintenance, when he doesn't even contribute to the household and is there half the time, is beyond me.

That needs to change now. Tell him you can't keep supporting him without his contribution and he needs to start paying towards the bills he adds to whilst he is there.

His response will tell you a lot about who he really is.

disgusting attitude on your boyfriend's part. part of being a family means that everyone in that household should have equal access to an equal amount of money. any decent person would look after their partners older children as they are part of the family.

he sounds like a twat. don't move in with him.

and when your baby is born and you still don't live together - insist on maintenance from him. he will be the non-resident parent.

I'm not proposing that at all!!

But u can see where the bf is coming from.

I am step person to 2 kids who u love dearly. Is never see them go without ever. If merely be disappointed in my DP if he 'expected' me to pay his maintenance. But in reality I woul probably offer to pay it because that is how I am. I think step parenting is extremely hard and it's even harder when you want to be a positive influence and are not given the chance to be.

Me and dp pay our own bills (so he pays his maintenance from his wage) but we have a joint account for things like shopping and gas/electricity, petrol and travel arrangements. This works for us and is berry efficient.

All I was saying in relation to the ops original post is- I can see where her bf is comig from- do I agree? Not entirely. It's not how I would be but I think its important for the OP to see both sides of the argument - it can only help wih any discussion she has wih him. Xx

always OP's boyfriend is not asking her to pay maintenance for his kids.

your situation is entirely different.

maybe go back to the start and read the the OP and replies properly.

Alwaystrying, I haven't once said I expect him to move in and support everybody, I will always continue to work to, I'm taking 39 weeks materinty then I will be back to work and this child will then require childcare like my other DC's what I am saying is that I will lose a large amount of income if my boyfriend moves! My wages of just over £100 per week would not be enough to cover my own personal bills or that of my children! And it certainly wouldn't cover the childcare required for 3 children when I return to work, I currently get working tax credits which has a childcare element in!

Bf is only willing to cover the rent cost (council house so very cheap) and this would not impact in his income at all!

Yet I can't be expected to lose everything and support myself and there children on £100 per week when I'm expect to buy food, water, gas, elec, run a car, car insursnce etc etc so I don't think I'm being unfair or entilted I'm not expecting him to move in pay everything at let me sit on my arse!

He is asking her to get maintenance from her ex. OP implies that her bf does not want to pay for her child. It also seems he doesn't pay his way for anything else either- if it was me I'd bin him. But they are having a child together and potentially moving in with each other.

I have read the posts thank you very much and have continually said my situation is different.

Maybe you should read my posts which explain why I see where the bf is coming from.

I can also see the ops point of view.

I apologies then. Your original post implied to me that you wanted him to effectively cover maintenance for your kids- that not his responsibility. I absolutely agree he should not e gettig a free ride and if him moving in has a detrimental impact on your benefits - yes he should be contributing to that.

Xx

barbs when my now-DH moved in with me and toddler DS we got a joint account, paid all bills from that including anything for DS and my car insurance for the car that only I can drive. whatever is left over is split between us as 'fun money'

AND I get maintenance from DS's bio-dad which goes straight in the joint account.

that's the way to do it IMO.

your boyfriend is a selfish twat who has no idea what it takes to be a family.

Sorry if I sounded like a bitch - it's not usually my style I just honestly thought you were wanting him to pay for your kids that weren't his. He should absolutely be contributing to other household bills though. Regardless of who lives there - the kids can hardly pay their own way!! They are innocent in all this and it's not their fault you don't get maintenance for them. I hope you get it sorted. Xx

Always, what do you think happens in a family where the stepparent earns most, and one of their step children needs a new pair of shoes?

My dh pays more towards my dcs than XH. He contributes to all bills (he doesn't sit down and work out how much the dcs cost, lump that into my share of the cost and only pay his fifth).

Just as I'm sure in RL, when your dsc are there you don't say to your dp "I paid for that bread, they can't have it".

I wouldn't expect you to cover maintenance payments, as that's not your responsibility, but I would be very if you calculated the cost of dsc taking a shower and deducted it from your part of the bills.

When you live together both adults contribute to the family. The dcs in that household are a shared cost.

If ( figures all made up ) op earns £100 a week, gets £200 in tax credits and £200 in housing benefit, whilst dp earns £500 a week, and when dp moves in op then has £100 and dp has £500, it would be unfair for op to go without whilst dp has money. That's why tax credits work the way they do, society assumes that when you become one family, both adults will contribute to the dcs.

Sympathising with a dp who doesn't want to contribute is kind of missing the point that if he doesn't, the dcs will live in poverty whilst he has money to spare.

Maintenance rarely covers even half the basic costs of raising a child.

Op, this is not how good men behave. I can see always is trying to empathise from a very different position. I disagree with her completely.

Always, you don't sound like a bitch, but I don't think you have experience of op's position.

FYCATH has put it a lot more eloquently than I did, I agree entirely.

He sounds awful and very selfish. I'd be wary of the fact he may not 'accept' you as a 'package'. I do hope he supports a least his own child if you don't live together.

But to answer your question my DP supports my DS despite the fact DSs dad pays maintenance. The three of us are a unit and he'd never dream of suggesting otherwise.

I just honestly thought you were wanting him to pay for your kids that weren't his. He should absolutely be contributing to other household bills though

Always, I don't think you are entirely wrong either, at least in your interpretation of the issue. The OP is asking the BF to pay for the care of her kids, not by paying maintenance (as in your case) but still, to pay for their groceries and everything else (apart from a few items which she has said the non-CSA paying ex does pay, like school uniforms, towards trips and more expensive gifts).
I think people are over-simplifying when they assume that one big pot is the only right way. Blended families can make for really complicated finances, and because the circumstances of each can be so different, it isn't one size fits all. DH and I do not have one big pot, and it wouldn't make any sense for us - even though as I have said I am paying the household expenses now.
OP, I absolutely agree that you should not bear all of the 'hit' that would happen if you moved in with your BF! Absolutely not. Maybe moving in together isn't the answer here.
I'm not quite ready to paint your BF as some horrible villian here, though, based on what you've posted here - he was dating a woman with kids, but not responsible for her existing children and not expecting to be (who would expect that at the dating stage??)...now unexpectedly you and he are having a child together, and that has led to talk about moving in together, and suddenly he will be expected to provide for not only himself, and not only his own child, but a family of five. Whereas if you all continued to live separately, he would have no obligation (moral or otherwise) towards the children of his girlfriend.
I don't think he does see your children as his family at this point, I think he sees them as your's. And I can see why, actually. By the time I moved in with and married my DH, I was ready to make that sort of commitment and to truly blend us as a family (and I didn't do that until DD was six months old, until then we did live as separate households) - but DD was planned and we grew into a family. If I had become pregnant unexpectedly earlier in the relationship, I would not have felt that I therefore had automatically acquired financial responsibility for her siblings. I think your BF would be selfish to move in and not share the finances with you in some form, but I think too that you need to consider all the possible alternatives.

Op is this the dude who earns 50 grand plus.. pays pennies in a shared house and only wants to pay the rent on your council house, half the council house and not pay everything else?

Don't move in with him.. He can pay maintenance and you'll be better off.. don't Inflict this person on your kids.

Brdgrl, I think that "sense of being a family" is the key thing here. He doesn't see the dcs as family, so if he moves in with you that's not going to change.

Being a stepparent where you have no sense of responsibility or care for your dsc, must be the most miserable and horrible role for both step parent and step children.