Some friendly advice- extending our family

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

So me and DP have decided (after months of talking) that we are actively going to try trying for a baby.

Having read a few posts it seems this can be difficult for some kids to accept and understand.

DP has 2 kids girl (10) boy (7). He reckons they will be ok with it but I just worry as there have been a few comments made by them in the past. Nothing hurtful or nasty but it seems like they don't quite get that their own family could be extended. I generally get on really well with them (apart from the obvious tantrums and my need to vent now and then) and would include them where I can.

Does anyone have any words if advice? Xx

My dp and I hav just announced to my dc's and my 2 dsc 11 and 8 we are having a baby.
mine are so excited, his not at all, the elder a daughter ran from room crying and sobbed in bed for hours.
her only concern is she will loose her time with daddy!
All we can do is reassure her.
She even declared if it's a girl she will kill it!
and we r a happily blended family.
There reaction was a huge shock.

best of luck and happy trying

The kids seem reasonable but it's one if those things - you don't know what reaction it will get. Although I think DSD seems more open to it but it's good to get others reaction. At least that way I can be prepared and it won't come as a shock. Xx

No advice, just best wishes, how lovely for you. x

My ex had a baby when my DCs were 11 and 8. They were both pretty keen on the whole thing - DD more so than DS. DS is the elder and kind of realised the baby would be a bit young to be much company for him, whereas DD quite liked the idea of having a baby brother or sister. They're both fond of him now (the baby is 2 years old now) and enjoy watching him grow up. They do get a bit of time just with them and their dad though - when my ex's DW takes the toddler off to visit her family, which I think they do value a lot.

Their main concerns were over lack of space in the house but overall it's been pretty positive for them I think.

You could try and bring the topic up in a very general way to sound out their views on the issue. My DCs knew that it was something their dad and his DW were thinking about (ttc I think probably for a year or so) so it wasn't such a big shock for them.

If they live partly with their mum be prepared that she may be quite negative about the whole thing, so may need time to digest the news before she sees her DCs reactions (hopefully more positive).

me and my dp have a young dc together. his dsd has totally accepted him and dotes on him. his dss who's 8 id reacting very badly to the whole thing. we both thought it would be the other way round due to past problems. The point I'm making is you have no way of knowing their reaction, just reassure them they're loved abd still important and try and involve them in pregnancy and baby. fingers crossed they take it well. x

We have a baby together and my DH has two older teenagers from a previous relationship. The oldest doesn't seem to care too much, she is lovely about her new sibling but is too busy getting on with her own life. The younger one who is doing her GCSEs has regressed significantly. She has got very clingy and calls DH baby names, which he finds interesting . She sort of tries to do the mini wife thing but DH doesn't play ball or doesn't even notice. She's gone back to 'making things' for DH that are very immature (baby type drawings). It was quite worrying to be honest. DH and I chatted about it and I suggested he reassure her that everything is fine and he still loves her. It's one step forward two steps back to be honest. Not sure how she's going to react when we start trying for baby number two! I think it's going to get worse before it gets better

I guess what I'm saying is age is no indication of how they will react. You just have to go for it and deal with the fall out.

We had a baby when the DSC were 12 and 14 - so older than your's. They hadn't been resistant to the idea or anything - it was more like it just never occurred to them that it would even be a possibility, and DSD was quite put out that she hadn't been consulted.

To be honest, they were happy once they heard, and very very glad to have her once she arrived! DSD was a bit shitty around the actual arrival - her brother actually told her off for acting silly about it - but I think she was more playing a part in a script than anything else.

I have said before that DD was the sugar that helped the medicine (me) go down. She definitely changed things for the better with the DSC and made us more of a family unit.

Good luck!

I've had a similar experience; DSD (10) sat in a catatonic state, refusing to speak for hours, just wept and acted like she'd been betrayed. She finally admitted she was angry we hadn't asked her first , angry we hadn't told her 'right away' (instead of waiting past the 12week scan) and afraid nobody would think she was special anymore if there were a baby around. DSS (8) has been thrilled from the start, can't wait for the baby to arrive so he can teach him things, play Lego together and give him his hand-me-downs.

They are very different children but DSS's reaction has taken the edge off DSD's. Even now, months after being told, DSD still rarely acknowledges I'm pregnant, shows no interest in the baby items we've bought, and often claims to forget that we're even having a baby at all. Even more disturbingly, she frequently makes comments about how the baby could be born without legs, lungs, a heart, a brain, could die before being born, etc - said lately with a smirk - I know she's a child, but I'm human and it has changed how I feel about her. Hopefully once the baby is here, she'll change her attitude. Mainly I think it's very sad that a girl her age could feel so threatened that she would find it comforting to tell herself that there's still time for the situation to end, even if it meant by death or fatal birth defect.

Sidney, how awful. I'm sorry you're having to deal with that. :(

Sidney, that's terrible - you shouldn't have to put up with those remarks. Child or not, those are some horrid things to say. I get she may feel conflicted with how to deal with the news but I hope she's corrected when she comes out with such horrendous things?

We're in a similar boat. I'm 6 weeks at the moment and we haven't told the DSC yet. DSD is 11 and DSS is 14. He has expressed excitement at us having a baby before, but DSD has openly said if we have one she doesn't want it to be a girl. Her DM told DH once that DSD is dreading us having a baby.

The issue is, last year we lost a baby at 13 weeks. The DSC knew about the pregnancy and were very excited. DH told them about the mc and they never once mentioned it after that. Which makes me wonder about their reactions this time.

Yes, DSD is corrected. Initially we thought maybe it was just her way of expressing a fear that something might go wrong with the baby, so we talked about how all scans have been fine, worrying without cause is pointless and we have every reason to believe everything will be fine, etc. but about 50% of the time whenever anything baby-related comes up (which isn't much, bc I try to avoid the topic with her now), she comes out with one of these dark comments. Lately it's with a smirk, so something about either the idea or the saying of it/the effect it gets is pleasing to her.

DH has told her sternly he's had enough and that they're upsetting and must stop; this week I've told her the same, and said never want to hear anything like it again. I don't think she realises quite how upsetting hearing this is - she refers to the baby as 'not being real' or 'not alive yet' etc, which to me he obviously very much is - so it's possible that to her, these concepts are abstract rather than about a concrete person whom her father and I love very much. But I do agree that at 10 she should know better and be able to show more sensitivity. In most other areas, she's great, but as I said these comments go straight to the bone and have changed my feelings towards her. I truly hope things improve.

My DSS (then 16) slammed a door in my face when we told him of our pregnancy. His twin was indifferent happy and said he thought it was inevitable but non plussed all the same.
DSS1 refused to acknowledge my pregnancy for months and basically felt after having his dad all to himself (sort of) for 16 years he hated the idea of losing him to another baby.

However once DS1 was born it was a different story. DSS turned out to be a doting and very loving big brother. He realised the relationship he has with his dad is better not worse because of the baby. We have since had 3 other children and both DSS's have an active role in their lives and love their large extended family.

It maybe difficult in the beginning but children's feelings and attitude can change. Give it time OP.

Good luck

Sidney, hopefully her attitude will change towards her brother once he is actually born and she's able to see him with her own eyes (rather than scans). Maybe then it will make it more real for her.

We have been actively trying for a while. When we told the step kids they both seemed to be overjoyed. Unsurprisingly DSD took the opportunity to make it all about her, but that was fine, we were just glad they were pleased. DSS seemed really chuffed and excited.

Then we lost the baby and had quite a nasty ordeal of it, and subsequently discovered DSS had been laughing about this, so I guess they weren't so excited after all.

We talked about whether this unpleasant reaction should change our minds about trying for a baby (we have none together) and decided very strongly it wouldn't. If we are lucky enough to have a baby in the future, I'm sure they will love it when it's here. I think if your step kids have genuine reasons why they don't want it to happen you should reassure them as best as you can and talk to them about it, and explain that it doesn't change how much their bio parents love them etc etc, but I don't think that it should be their decision or that they should have outright veto powers.

Sorry - meant to say - good luck!!

Thanks. My DP thinks his kids will be ok about it but you never know!!

I guess we just need to wait and see. I don't waht to creat a problem that isn't there so we will wait until I am pregnant before we tell kids, we may even keep it until after 12 weeks just to be sure everything us ok.

Xx

Also - sorry for your loss - that can't have been easy xx