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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Disney Dad - again - well never ending really

54 replies

Tappergirl · 13/06/2014 22:54

I will keep this brief with bullet points, but don't really know how to handle any of the points succinctly.

Step kids, 18 and 16 haved lived with us for 1.5 years FT
I have found it the worse time of my life as I/we dont have kids of our own

We argue like crazy about once a week, especially now since they are doing or have completed exams, which means they are at home more

Tonight they take 2.5 hours to cook a meal which was simple, and we thought they would have eaten by the time we had walked the dogs but no, we are still waiting for them to clear the kitchen by 8.30pm

Some of the bits we wanted to eat apparently had been eaten by step son in the week

I said to DH this is not acceptable as I can not check contents of freezer every day, and perhaps kids should advise us of low reserves on whiteboard on fridge, where I write the shopping list.

DH becomes defensive and says I am taking out my frustration on him, saying it is always his fault when the kids don't do something right.

I told him to be more authoritive and a little bit more stern towards them rather than being their friend and pissing me off.

Massive argument pursues. More to come, but I tried to keep it brief and didn't manage!

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Original poster

Tappergirl · 13/06/2014 22:57

He always talks over my explanations btw, and him shouting over me creates for a hell of an argument. We probably won't talk for at least 2 days now and I am becoming majorly unhappy and depressed by our household issues.

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Blueuggboots · 13/06/2014 23:01

Can you not talk to your sc about this??

BuzzLightbulb · 13/06/2014 23:05

Mmmmmm, yeah that's part if the problem with having kids that age in the house.

Their field f view doesn't really stretch much beyond them. End of.

DP asked me the other day if it would be ok if DSD and b/f helped themselves to food when they were on their way somewhere.

Like you I asked who would make sure there was food left, who decided what on the way meant, basically was this an excuse to just skip meals and help themselves.

Needless to say, I'm the bad guy.

Original poster

Tappergirl · 13/06/2014 23:06

No, they barely talk to me, I am the proverbial evil SM. having them live with us makes me cringe. That probably speaks for itself, but they are not that sociable and very self centred, aren't all teens? I use DH as the mediator but he doesn't manage. The fact is, they are not my flesh and blood, and if they were, they would be so so different.

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BuzzLightbulb · 13/06/2014 23:15

I have a step family, my own kids pop round every now and then, they are civil but old enough st 18 plus to not need any kind of relationship with DP other than my partner, in time another adult they can chat to.

DP tries too hard, they would be more engaging if this weird pseudo family thing that happens, didnt.

Original poster

Tappergirl · 13/06/2014 23:18

Btw having read back my original thread, it is DH and I who argue about once a week, not me with the kids. It makes for a miserable marriage 50% of the time when once we were inseparable

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BuzzLightbulb · 13/06/2014 23:22

Oh that's a given, we are the perfect cpl for a week, the cpl from hell when we have the kids. Nearly.

Tonight 2. Out of 3 have been angelic, the other is 20 mins outside curfew. Which is supposed to be b/f curfew as well but seems b/f parents are about as assertive as DP. Seems they take some consolation from each other they both think they should have rules but are too weak to enforce them.

Original poster

Tappergirl · 13/06/2014 23:23

Hard isn't it Buzz? I told DH in the heat of the moment that I wished I had never met a man with kids, 3 of them 10 years ago, thank god one of them grew up!

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BuzzLightbulb · 13/06/2014 23:29

The 3 yr old?

I have stressed tie and time again that I do not feel the same way about DP's kids as my own.
I think she has finally realised they are more of a duty, and rarely a pleasure in the way bio kids are.

Original poster

Tappergirl · 13/06/2014 23:31

Hmmm, know the feeling, take it you don't have the SC full time then? DH probably will sleep on an air bed for the next couple of days now, in our study, which is full of crap that we moved when we changed our guest room into 2 rooms for the SCs. Creature of habit, then he will not apologise but just pretend everything is ok and move back into our bed as if nothing was said or had happened. Nothing ever gets resolved that way, I would have to move out for him to realise how hacked off I am by his lack off understanding towards my well being and sanity.

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Original poster

Tappergirl · 13/06/2014 23:32

No the 3rd is 23, not 3 lol!

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OscarWinningActress · 13/06/2014 23:38

Am not a step-mom but here's my two cents on the freezer thing...mine are 12, 9 and 7 and I DO have to check the contents of the freezer/fridge/pantry every day. Growing kids/teens/active young adults need a heck of a lot of calories. Hide the good stuff and stock up on budget snack foods and/or learn how to bake .

Original poster

Tappergirl · 13/06/2014 23:51

No I don't need to check every day on the freezer, pantry, they are well over your ages of kids, and one of the has done a Gsce in catering but knows absolutely nothing about cooking. I work full time and have got fed up with providing for teens who are not grateful. I leave it to their dad but still do make a major shopping list cos he just does not get the weekly shopping grind thing and never buys the right things unless I tell him what to buy. Why should it be my responsibility? I have done it for ages and got no thanks, now I have just given up!

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BuzzLightbulb · 13/06/2014 23:52

Oh jeez, you do sound like me!

I had the bag packed ready to go the last week we had the dsc, it has stayed packed in the bedroom since.

DP has complained that it looks like I'm ready to ship out. Truth is, and I've told her, I am. DSD's now 45 mins late, DP went round to b/f parents last night and they agreed curfew times for both of them.

Seems they are just as weak so were faced with a girl who can do whatevere she likes as long as she's not here. Currently cheating her way into the local leisure centre at £5 plus a visit but she thinks that's fine.

Her dad wasn't interested in dealing with her, she's stayed with him one week out of the last four months, but still insists he's a 50/50 parent.

OscarWinningActress · 14/06/2014 00:05

Yeah, well...teens and young adults are completely self-absorbed and narcissistic. 'Tis the nature of the beast. They have no concept of parental responsibility or budgets or timelines or your need for 'adult time' or any of that. Just get on with it. You've got dependants. You could have far, far worse problems.

Original poster

Tappergirl · 14/06/2014 00:20

Fine for you to say that Oscar. I chose not to have kids, only ended up with 2 late teens who are exactly what you describe. They are my worst problems I'm afraid. Oh apart from the sky satellite going off due to thunderstorm

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BuzzLightbulb · 14/06/2014 00:29

Have you tried walking away?

I don't like to leave the kids without a meal for an evening, but not making one does put the emphasis on DP and whatever DP's kids can do to elp.

If you make sure the freezer is empty it can be quite entertaining !!!

Gumblossom · 14/06/2014 00:36

Teens are difficult at the best of times, and it is even worse in a "step" situation.

I'll preface this by saying I am not a step parent (but my sister is in a very similar situation), so I probably don't have a clue, but I do think what is important here is that you and your partner sit down and lay down some rules. It isn't fair that you have to put up with behaviour that you find unacceptable (in your own home).

I imagine it is very difficult for your partner too, as he has to be the 'piggy in the middle', and they are his kids, so it is always going to be a bit of an uneven contest.

However, it is your home, and they should not be taking advantage of you (which, BTW,I think they are). You and DP have to be a united front when it comes to house rules, and you both have to follow through implementing the rules.

Do the DC's have a mother? Do they spend any time with her? Perhaps they need to so that you can have a break.

You also need to make it very clear to your DP that you are becoming increasingly unhappy and if he wants the relationship to work he has to start listening to you.

Ok, that's my two cents worth. I'll butt out now...

BuzzLightbulb · 14/06/2014 00:46

Wrong. DP is not piggy in the middle. Dp is central piggy.

And that's where the problem is. Weak DP's. end of.

Original poster

Tappergirl · 14/06/2014 00:53

Gumblossom, very wise words, all of which Makes me feel you totally understand the situation I am in.

Yes, I have wanted to lay down rules, but I am always made to feel the bad cop.

Yes my DH is piggy in the middle, and yes it is an uneven contest, but I feel too lenient on their attitudes.

We are not a united front although he keeps willing it to be so but does nothing to reassure me that is happening. We had counselling but he could not see through my pain and I called a stop to it as was so damn expensive for not really getting anywhere, with him!

The kids have a mother who they choose not to see that often. She has mental health issues which is the reason they came to live with us.

I have made it increasingly clear to DH that I am unhappy, and he chooses to ignore me, not understanding how it is affecting my state of being by having his kids come to live with me at such a difficult age.

Don't butt off, you make perfectly good sense.

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Original poster

Tappergirl · 14/06/2014 00:57

Sorry we overlapped Buzz. Dogs going mad at storm, one head butting SDs door - poetic justice?

Lights flickering, and dogs refusing to sleep in our bedroom where DH is actually sleeping.

iPad battery about to die so going off to charge as not ready for sleep yet. Everyone appears to have woken up anyhow....

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BuzzLightbulb · 14/06/2014 01:00

You have been subjected to the worst times in their lives, teen years.

If you canmaintain an air of reasonableness they will come to respect and even like you.

Distance is a phase try go through.

BuzzLightbulb · 14/06/2014 01:05

No idea what I meant by that last line!

Honestly hoping both DP and DSD don't come home tonight, can't stand the same arguments every night,

Good night,and god bless

Original poster

Tappergirl · 14/06/2014 01:13

Good night Buzz. The storm has passed and dogs are shut away in bedroom making no noise after a manic half hour!

Whether kids will respect ME is another matter. Their father always makes it loudly clear that I am the cause of all arguments, like he wants to shame and blame me. They must hate me for that, but it is his doing, believe me. I try to stop him shouting but he seems to enjoy it and make me incensed and cry for what we used to have.

Anyway, night....

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Original poster

Tappergirl · 14/06/2014 02:39

The storm has NOT passed! What an absolute cracker! I love the noise of thunder for some weird reason but doggies do not! We had a white streak of lightening cross the bedroom - not kidding!!! It was scary but amazing. I live in Berkshire just in case anyone wondered what the hell I am on about! Still going strong after 2 hours. I have taught one of my dogs karma, she just loves sleeping by my side in bad times. The other one has pissed off downstairs with DH (shrugs shoulders).

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