Disney Dad - again - well never ending really

[Tappergirl]

I will keep this brief with bullet points, but don't really know how to handle any of the points succinctly.

Step kids, 18 and 16 haved lived with us for 1.5 years FT
I have found it the worse time of my life as I/we dont have kids of our own

We argue like crazy about once a week, especially now since they are doing or have completed exams, which means they are at home more

Tonight they take 2.5 hours to cook a meal which was simple, and we thought they would have eaten by the time we had walked the dogs but no, we are still waiting for them to clear the kitchen by 8.30pm

Some of the bits we wanted to eat apparently had been eaten by step son in the week

I said to DH this is not acceptable as I can not check contents of freezer every day, and perhaps kids should advise us of low reserves on whiteboard on fridge, where I write the shopping list.

DH becomes defensive and says I am taking out my frustration on him, saying it is always his fault when the kids don't do something right.

I told him to be more authoritive and a little bit more stern towards them rather than being their friend and pissing me off.

Massive argument pursues. More to come, but I tried to keep it brief and didn't manage!

Another argument, getting used to it now. HE just doesn't see my point of view. Where the hell do I go? I feel like a prisoner in my own home and H does not acknowledge it. I am bad cop . Only waited 3 hours minimum from getting home from work to be allowed in the kitchen due to pampered princess baking and not cooking what we asked her to do as the kids like to eat early apparently! They have finished exams, they have all day to bake, one of my dogs needs medicine, but all I get is well shove my mobile out of the way then. I tenderly challenge the situation with H and he supports princess rather than me. Mini wife at 18.5, can't stand it :-(

Haven't expressed myself clearly here. I have a therapist friend and sent her a long list of woes. Hope I haven't burdened her:-(

one of the has done a Gsce in catering but knows absolutely nothing about cooking

Hmmm, this is a bit unfair. Doing cookery at school is totally different from cooking at home - they do "food technology" which doesnt involve learning how to cook basic home meals. I worked as a chef in a big hotel for 4 years but had no clue when i got married and had to run a house and cook every day. BIL trained as a chef but ask him to cook cod with tomato sauce and watch him turn pale

I am not talking about the SS who used to bring home cheesecakes, profiteroles, et al from his catering exams, he is 16. I am talking about a nearly 19 yo girl who has not got a clue, and who claims she used to cook for her mother and brother every night, cos otherwise they didn't get fed?

She asked how to chop chicken into strips, and how to chop onions. Sorry that is pretty basic stuff which I had instilled into me at about the age of 14. All she can cook is basic pasta and rice with a ready made sauce if it is there. Going to be tough when she goes to Uni. All she wants to bakes is brownies and chocolate shortbread. Sorry, but that is not a sustainable diet.

Well if her Mum had mental health issues and wasn't parenting her well maybe she has never been taught some of the basic stuff. If she is asking how to do it then it shows she's willing to learn now.

Yes basgetti, mum still has, not had, they hardly ever see her. The point I want to make is, SD doesn't want to learn, we have to stress tat she has to learn, not try of her own free will. She thinks that by making 2 loads of brownies that I will not eat, she is contributing to the household, albeit depleting us of supplies then not informing us, taking up all the space in the kitchen, and generally annoying me by using up every single plate and utensil in the kitchen. She is so self absorbed, typical teenager I guess. But she wants to go to Uni later this year and doesn't have a clue about how to live on a budget. Her father does not help, and we do not get on anymore as he panders to her every need.

OP, I think I'd be leaving. At least for a short while.

You are an adult, this is your home, you do not get to be treated like this.

These are not children, but young adults, and things need to change.

Could you put a label on certain things that are bought specifically for certain meals? If you buy a piece of meat for Monday nights tea but a label on saying Monday then tell the kids anything labelled don't use as it's for a specific day? Do you eat together most nights? It's good they're at least cooking some of their own meals but I understand your frustrations. I think the "step" part of the situation is irrelevant, I think any parent would have these gripes if their kids ate all the food and took over the house...!

Bruno I have thought of leaving several times, but the thing is, I cant afford to and don't have anywhere to go. It tears my heart out to think that we used to have such a wonderful relationship, and since the kids moved in with us, it has been a roller coaster of emotions, probably every week, or every few days at least.

I agree, they are young adults, however it is my husband who needs to change his attitude to parenting, and husbanding, and I am always blamed for every little spat we have. I love arguing apparently (no I hate it) and I always talk over him (wish I recorded our conversations as it is the opposite). I have told him he is in denial about his relationship with his daughter and myself, but now he is not talking to me - again, for the 2nd time in a week. I am sick of it but do not know which way to turn because he will not reason with me, and, although he says we have to work together to resolve issues, it is all one-sided. He is too scared to confront his daughter and tell her she has to give us space and not think she can take over the house.

I boil inside when she does, but he does not read my body language, its like "Ground Hog Day" every 3-4 days. Vicious circle with no resolve.

MummyA, it's not they use up food for 'proper' meals as they don't ever cook unless asked, with all ingredients shown to them, or told what they can cook, ie fish and chips out of the freezer. They always want to eat earlier than us, so no we don't or rarely eat together. The stuff that gets used is baking stuff, flour, eggs, butter, milk etc. then surprise we have run out of things, with no offer of getting replacements. Sounds petty I know. Thinking about it, there were some freezer items that got used up without telling us and I got fed up as I was planning to use them.

I think it's taking over the houe and my space that bugs me intensely, with no respite, and no support from H. I feel like a total outsider at the moment. I want him to understand how I feel. I used to love making lasagnes, pasta bakes etc, but by the time I get home from work, it's too late to start the cooking for the princess to accept what time it will be ready to eat. We get no help with shall I cook for us all tonight? The one time SS cooked a lasagne for a school exam and brought it home, it was revolting, and had to make myself something else.

Tappergirl, your DH seems to have a controlling personality. This means that it's not actually the issue that he tries to challenge with his shouting and putting you down, but the fact that you even dare to disagree with him. (The hints of gas lighting I felt reminded of in your other thread point to this as well). Unfortunately this is quite hard to deal with, as it would mean that your DH literally lives in a different reality than you do.
He does not understand you, he isn't even trying, he's only concerned about his dominance over you.
The only way to fight this is to call him on these behaviours each and every time they happen and tell him they are not acceptable. Therapy will also work.

God op you sound a bit ott to say the least. Has it occurred to you that this is their home? Teenagers made use of food in house they live in??!!! That's the complaint?!! Am a bit lost for words actually.

Buy more food?

Tbh I cannot imagine what I would say to a partner that was complaining that the children ate too much food or had made brownies...

If a future partner of mine ever spoke about my dd like this I'd be appalled.

They'd be out the door quicker than they could say "chocolate brownies"

I totally get it.. When u work hard all day to pay for and provide things and it's all used up and u can't get in the kitchen it's bloody annoying.. Also when u feel like u don't get anytime to yourself or with your OH too..

When I was a teenager I wouldn't have been allowed to behave like that in my mothers house there were rules it's not unfair to expect the same respect as a step parent is it?

If dsd makes a mess cooking at our house she cleans it up, and asks before she does it this would be the same for any child mine or step child.. These aren't young children either.

Sounds like OP has totally had her life turned upside down and needs a break in that set up id be going bonkers too.

Why is it so bad to be frustrated with kids when they aren't yours I think it's bad behaviour if they are her own or not but she's pretty powerless to do anything.. OH needs to have some respect for himself and OP and take charge of the situation.

Also as a step parent you never feel totally relaxed in your own home- well I don't I'm aware of if I'm in my dressing gown, what I say it must be like having constant guests.

Think it's pretty much all at the feet of your OH there has to be rules and he needs to support you and make sure your ok too you are all in the family and hats off to you for taking on so much!

I have a 16 and 18yr old...boys....nightmare! They are mine...and I find it really hard work and annoying! Eat all the food...make a mess in kitchen...gf...cooks and takes ages...I'm single Mum but I have a partner..he has an 18 yr old...NO WAY would we set up home together yet...I couldnt bear living with his son and the way he panders to his needs...we would not last! So running two homes is expensive...but will have to wait until they 'grow up' a bit!!! Must be dreadful....OP....(:

Sounds like the OP has totally had her life turned upside down and needs a break – in that set up I’d be going bonkers too

Yep, I’d be half way to the Funny Farm by now!

I was brought up to ASK if I can take any item that's not specifically mine, especially when it came to food, as my mum potentially had plans with it of family meals. I'd have been in trouble if my mum wouldn't have been able to cook a meal because I thought its a good idea to deplete stocks, let alone leave a mess in the kitchen. This is as much a matter of respect of other peoples possessions as much as for the rest of the family. Nothing to do with "step", it's overstepping boundaries.

Totally agree with everything Dogfish said.

"Buy more food ?" ..... what a patronising thing to say. Nowhere in this thread has OP suggested that stepkids are somehow being starved but taking food without asking is all about a lack of respect and showing consideration towards everyone in the household.

This isn't the first time someone's made such a blithe remark about buying more food on a thread here, and each time I see similar I shake my head and wonder how some people can be so ignorant of other people's circumstances. Some families simply cannot buy more food - when it's gone it's gone - not the absolute end of the world if a packet of biscuits (though still arguably thoughtless) but rather more serious if whole meals have disappeared and you don't have the money to replace them.

Hi tappergirl, the two problems seem to be -

Letting the DSCs loose in the kitchen to pick and choose all the ingredients they want. Why TAF should they be feel entitled to do that? I agree totally with what dogfish and catsmother have said, helping themselves gives them no sense of boundaries or respect for the fact that food doesnt just magic itself into the kitchen, it has been chosen bought and paid for. Do they come along to the supermarket and help with food shopping to see what's involved and how much things cost each week?

The DSCs being able to pick and choose meal times. It isnt a hotel! But they seem to treat your home, well their home too, as if its open season, do what they want with no consideration.

If you could tackle these two issues it could have a positive effect in other aspects, as they do need better boundaries.

Your DH definitely needs to grow a pair!! I do hope you manage to resolve it as it seems you are a lone voice at the mo, it must feel very frustrating.

Hello Lovely People!

Thanks for (in the main) supportive threads. I actually de-registered about 1 week ago, because I was so depressed but decided to come back, mainly to say thank you for making the effort to post on my thread.

Life is no better, and I am considering my options at present.

I am going out shortly (hobby) but will be back again later this evening, to comment on / reply to the most recent posts.

Thanks again

We are trying to patch things up after a vile weekend. I waved the White Flag - of course, again as is usual. Had a foul disagreement with 16 yo SS on Saturday, he has become very rebellious. Now deciding not to speak to him until he apologises. Difficult and you think very petty, i am sure, but I am not being talked down to by a teenager who does F all in the house, and won't find a job for the summer. Treats the place like a goddam hotel, and i am now just turning a blind eye to it, which pains me, but he was so rude, I cannot face talking to him. SD is away for the week camping with her boyfriend so that is bliss in itself. Now just having to deal with a sulky boy!

Oh God here we go again! I feel controlled and totally outside of my comfort zone. Every 3-4 days we agree to disagree. This time about Stepson having his girlfriend over whilst we are out of the house. I said no, it is not acceptable. His son should be trying to find a job, he is nearly 17. I come home at lunchtimes. I have said that I do not agree with a 16 year old taking liberties, and having a shagfest whilst we are not here. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I have my standards and told DH that it was not acceptable, when I usually come home for lunch, and they are up in SS's room. DH has sulked off, I told him he never listens to me and my woes, now we are not talking again; it happens every week, and is driving me insane!! I think my my DH is a petulant little boy at the moment. Infact he and son are very similar, they never speak, just sulk. God, I wish I had never married into this petulant little family, as I now see they are all the bloody same!

Doesnt help that DH was allowed to sleep with girlfriend at the age of the 15 at her mother's home. He thinks I am old fashioned, I say I have morals. He was 15, he is now 47. I didnt sleep with my longterm boyfriend until I was nearly 18, and never under my parents' roof.

DH can not accept the fact that I do not want his kids taking advantage of our home and seeing it as an hotel, especially when we are out at work; DH doesnt get it so goes off and sulks. He is nearly 48 for christs sake!

Gosh glad you are OK. I am glad you like by the standards that are important to you. Good for you, being strong. It feels like LTB x 3 to me. Seems like none of it is good for you. Is one of your options to extricate yourself from the whole sorry business? X