AIBU to say no to DSS staying weekends baby is due

[Katecake]

Basically me and DP don't live together (40miles apart) I have 3 DC's and he has a DS (10)

Now ds stays with us every other weekend so depending on if things shift around for any reason he will be here either weekend baby due or week after!

Now when I have this baby I'm relying on my friend, as my parents are away on hols and my sis lives to far away, so friend had agreed to come to me if I go into labour during night, go to bed at mine and in moring (early) will take my DC to hers as she will need to tend to her own 3 kids as DH works!

Now I know I don't know exactly when I go into labour but am I being unreasonable say no to ds staying if baby has not arrived before his weekend?

I just don't feel it's my friends resoponsiblilty to have to look after a child she does not know/ he doesn't know her and she has her own 3 kids as well as my 3 to look after? Plus ds has ADHD and is difficult to control, plus she will be left totally car less as she will just tske my 7 seater witch will fit in her, her 3 DC and my 3 DC perfectly!

DP taking him home when not be a option given the distance it will be a 2 hour round trip and the fact my longest labour has only been 40 mins so it just won't fit time wise!

I'm not looking forward to telling to DP about this so just wanted views if i am being out of order ?

Purple I think there will be now issues regarding the ex and DP "moving on" they split up 9 years ago and the ex wife has remarried had another child and also had her DSS living with her full time so they are a family unit so never actually get child free time just because we have DSS to stay as they still have two others at home!

DP is going to have chat with his ex on Friday when he goes to see son and explain the situation and see what she thinks/feels would also be the best thing for DSS so hopefully will know more then and can have proper chat and finalise backup plan just in case it's needed

Sounds like a plan!

Kind of Petal, kind of not. See, babies rarely come on time, so I'd be loath to just blindly keep dd away from her "just in case" what would be better is if she stayed with his mum because mum would be on top of them and smothering seeing the baby as soon as it was born and could take dd to visit etc. then take her home with her again. If dd was with me, she'd be completely away and I do feel she'd be left out.

But yes, I completely concede that is because there are options for him such as grannie and brother (who dd adores) which may not exist for op's husband.

I'll see nearer the time what her sm wants. She's pretty cool about having dd around, way more so than I would be about my dsd

The best possible situation for DSS is to be with his mum when OP is likely to be having the baby, so that DP can be with her, as he wants to be. He's old enough to be told that the baby is due any time so his dad will see him during the week instead of weekends until the baby arrives.

Unfair to dump him with strangers, given his needs, and his mum would surely want what's best for him, even though it may inconvenience her.

Op just to counter act something said up thread you do not need to be sensitive at all to the ex wanting child free time. You are due to give birth and you are the priority here. Don't stress over this just tell your dp if hewants be there for the birth he needs to arrange for dss mum to have him. And line up another birth partner in case he doesn't make it. Access according to the rota is not the be all and end all and for once you can be selfish about this. Dss arrangements ARE NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY regardless of some people here thinking they are.

Access according to the rota is not the be all and end all

Amen to that - so many separated parents think it is to the detriment of their children.

Yes, ditto - amen to that. Extreme Rota Compliance can be very detrimental indeed.

JumpingJack - fortunately it sounds as if the OP's DP has a flexible and amicable relationship with his ex, so she should be fine.

But how can it ever be helpful to be completely insensitive about the way someone else might be seeing things? ?

It is her DP who might need to be sensitive of the needs of his DS's other parent, and recognise that she may require some commitment from him as to when he'll have DSS, even when there are other pressures on him too. Why would it be a bad thing for the OP to think through what the sensitivies might be?

He actually needs to be more sensitive to his current partner in this instance. My dp would never, ever consider his ex's child free time as more important than me if I was due to give birth. It wouldn't even enter into his thinking. The op shouldn't have to think about this at all. Her priority should be her children and the baby and herself. His ex I hope would be adult enough to realise the arrival of a new baby on either side will be disruptive and suck it up for a few weeks.

Katecake - This reminds me so much of my dilemna last summer, when the ex decided to book a holiday right about the time I was due to give birth with DC2. All flipping year DH had kept her up to date with likely DOB for DC2, (I was not allowed to go over 37 weeks), they'd agreed dates for us to have DSS earlier in the month and then she jsut decided to change it and tell us what was happening.

I didn't want DH to be my birth partner, partly because I needed him to look after DC1, but also because he was so annoying when DC1 was born I wanted to rip his head off. So for DC2 I hired a doula, for that reason alone. I couldnt give a stuff if DH wanted to be there, it was my birth my choice and he had to live with it.

DSS was with us when DC1 was born, we figured we'd have hours of time to get BIL to come over and sit with DSS, and besides with EOW contact it seemed unlikely. Turns out I too have fast labours, DSS saw more than he really should have, got scared witless, petrified the life out of him (he was 10).

I really felt so angry that he could potentially be there for DC2 birth and I had no idea if I would make it to hospital, in fact there could have been the chance DSS would have been at home with me, and DH at work, DSS would have been the only person to call the doula. In the end I spontaneously laboured at 36+6 2 days after DSS went home. THANK GOD.

If the ex is willing to have DSS, then I think you should maybe put your foot down with your DP? You know in that way only a hormonal heavily pregnant can. I spent hours worrying about arrangements, try telling a pregnant lady not to worry about the logistics of your birth, as your DP/DH will somehow 'sort it out.'

Whatever happens best of luck.

Goodness I hope the consideration wouldn't be for ex's "free time" over the needs of his pregnant wife????