AIBU to say no to DSS staying weekends baby is due

[Katecake]

Basically me and DP don't live together (40miles apart) I have 3 DC's and he has a DS (10)

Now ds stays with us every other weekend so depending on if things shift around for any reason he will be here either weekend baby due or week after!

Now when I have this baby I'm relying on my friend, as my parents are away on hols and my sis lives to far away, so friend had agreed to come to me if I go into labour during night, go to bed at mine and in moring (early) will take my DC to hers as she will need to tend to her own 3 kids as DH works!

Now I know I don't know exactly when I go into labour but am I being unreasonable say no to ds staying if baby has not arrived before his weekend?

I just don't feel it's my friends resoponsiblilty to have to look after a child she does not know/ he doesn't know her and she has her own 3 kids as well as my 3 to look after? Plus ds has ADHD and is difficult to control, plus she will be left totally car less as she will just tske my 7 seater witch will fit in her, her 3 DC and my 3 DC perfectly!

DP taking him home when not be a option given the distance it will be a 2 hour round trip and the fact my longest labour has only been 40 mins so it just won't fit time wise!

I'm not looking forward to telling to DP about this so just wanted views if i am being out of order ?

yes I'm not looking forward to talking to do about this he is just the dirt to bury his head in the sand and just say "oh it will be fine I will sort it out" all is says his when ds was born it took over 30 hours do have plenty if time, he really doesn't seem to grasp that I have never laboured like that, plus he can't stand talking about anything like that so it difficult to actually get anywhere.

My friend is doing so much already and is willing to drop everything whenever the time cones, she has 3 children of her own, works evenings 5-12 so has said regardless of time she will be there and can make it to mine in 10 mins, her husband has also stepped in and said if it turns out I'm in all day then he will be happy to have the kids stay on in the evenings while my friend goes to work to do her evening job and the kids will just crash there! Luckily both my friend and her husbsnd know my children well and has done since they were born!

I do totally understand why they are not keen to also through DSS into the mix as they do not understand him or his needs and it's a huge responsibility for someone to look after a child with SN

When I had my other DC with my ex husband this stuff was never a issue my mum always came to have girls and we has plenty if his family local (sisters, teenage nieces etc) who lived on same estate so never had to worry. The biggest thing her that poses the problem is the distance

Yes if things start during the night and I felt I need to go straight away and don't have time to wait for friend then my neighbour next door (young girl, her kids and her mum) will be perfectly fine with me giving them a call and they would keep eye on things until friend arrives but like I said my friend can be here in 10 minutes.

None of this might even turn out to be a problem as it might just happen on a week day when only my kids are here but I feel we need a plan in place just in case and the most important thing in that plan is making sure that DS has the proper care he needs, and I will be honest that's not easy, I still find it very very tough and it's been a huge learning curve for me and I have him her EOW, I still really struggle sometines to deal with his behavior in the right way and it's still something I'm learning to do, so I just csnt expect anybody to take on that responsibility

Can I just say what a top friend and what a lovely neighbour?

And has your DP grasped that you've had three labour experiences to his one so the chances of it being a 30 hour labour are pretty low?!

If he won't listen to you can the midwife tell him?

Addicted yes I have suggest to him that he might rather not be there but he insist that he wants to, I do have a bavk up plan in case DP is at his home/work when it happens and another very good friend of mine will abbandon her 5 children and hubby and come take me to hospital or be with me at home if things happen to fast, luckily her husbsnd has flexibilty as he works from home office.

Thanks for mentioning the 999 thing I thought they would automatically also dispatch a midwife to a emergency call for labour so if this is not the case then I need to double check where I need to be phoning just in case.

Right, I'm going to stick my head on the line here and dissenters can burn me at the stake if they wish but I've got this old fashioned notion that a woman giving birth takes priority - and good god, for many stepmothers that is the one of the very few, if only, times she ever gets the call the shots.

If the OP was happy to labour alone then yes, that would solve the immediate problem of what to do with all the children, but if she's not happy about that prospect she shouldn't be made to feel in the slightest bit unreasonable. After all, I think the vast majority of labouring women would prefer to have their partners with them at such a time. Yes - given her history, it's likely she might have another quick labour, but then again she might not - and if there are any difficulties she'd want her partner with her. It isn't even "just" about the labour is it - it's also about the bonding between new parents (plural) and new baby, those special first moments.

There is a very simple - and arguably ideal - solution to the potential care of SS - which is causing the OP so much angst, and that is to remain with his mother during the period the baby might arrive. That doesn't mean he won't get to see his father, it just means he won't be sleeping with him. I just don't understand why people who are suggesting alternative options to the OP aren't suggesting this obvious and sensible "solution" first !! ....

.... and if it's a case that the ex is difficult and unco-operative and is likely to protest at having to care for her own child under such circumstances then shame on her. Whilst I can fully appreciate that a single mother looks forward to a break ( I was a LP for 9 years so I know exactly what it's like) any decent woman would appreciate the OP's concerns and would be reasonable about altering arrangements on a very temporary basis. It's entirely feasible the OP's DP could suggest "extra" contact to "make up" any time she feels she's "owed" if she was that rattled about it. And sticking my neck out again, given the extreme circumstances (how often will OP be giving birth after all ?) if push comes to shove and ex won't willingly co-operate then this is one of the few occasions when a NRP has the upper hand and could turn round and say "no, I can't have SS this weekend, I don't want to run the risk of missing the baby's birth if I have to drive him home" and the ex would then have no choice but to look after him. That may sound hard but in the circumstances, his partner should take priority rather than the ex's child free time ... short of a life or death emergency then a birth is more important than that. And whilst it should ideally be DP's responsibility to arrange childcare if necessary during "his" time, you can't alter the fact that if there is no-one he can call upon to do this, and they can't afford an on-call nanny and he doesn't want to miss the birth of the baby, then I don't think he'd be unreasonable to insist SS stays with his mum - where he'd almost certainly be happiest !

Cabrinha I'm very close to my parents, my dad is taking he's 1 year off paid leave as he has been in the same company or ever, this is a once in a lifetime holiday for them that was booked a long time ago, this baby was not planned at all, contraception pill failed so huge shock so I would never in a million years ask them to put off there hoilday, as it stands they will be home 12 days after baby is due.

I have and I'm still thinking about home birth but something about the whole idea just makes me nervous so I just don't feel I should have to be forced into a delivery I really don't want just to solve the problems of DSS childcare issues

I wouldn't so much bother my if dp wasn't at the birth I would be perfectly happy with friend which is why she is back up plan but DP really wants to be there which I'm sure you can understand

As for nanny is a good idea and I get what your saying about meds excbut seeing again as it would be a stranger to DSS this again is a no go as he just can't be left with anyone he doesn't know or trust.

I honestly feel like I'm hitting my head against a wall trying to find a quick and easy solution here

I'm with catsmother. Couldn't have put it better myself.

Cats I'm not so much saying much that ex wife will be unreasonable about missing any free time because she won't for her it's honestly not about farming her son off for the weekend as she actually has a younger dd of her own with her partner and she also has her partners 9 year old son living with then full time, and also the distance it's not like we can expect her/her partner to put there life's on hold over this time to cone fetch DSS in case I go into labour!

Like we know none of this might be a problem as No one knows when baby will want to make its apprerance, and it certainly won't be us saying DSS can't come for 4weeks or what ever it will more be advanced warning of let's play it by ear if Kate hasn't had the baby then we might not be able have him to sleep over weekend but if all is ok then DP would just make the drive up there spend day with DSS then drop home. And we will get DSS as soon as we can after the birth for him to come and meet the new baby which he is actually very exticed about.

The ex wife herself had a awful delivery with DSS that has resulted in her being left with health issues so she certainly understands births and how they can go, I just thought it would be easier for everyone including herself to know that DDS is home with her rather than being left somewhere that could cause him any upset

I'm with Catsmother on this. Surely if a woman is giving birth, it's her needs that should take priority on that occasion? If any days/evenings of access are missed, surely they could be 'made up' once the baby has arrived?

The doc - yes I'm extermly lucky to have my friends about because they have been amazing, my friend was pretty much my life saver though my divorce and hard times she has been a saint and helped with all my childcare before kids started school so I could go out and earn money when I became a single parent and honestly she is like a second mum to my DC's

My neighbours are also very sweet little family and it was very kind if them to say I can just ring the bell any time if night if need be.

Doc - lol is just do best seem to grasp it at all, he can't sand talking about labour etc and whenever I try to say look there is a chance we won't make hospital etc he just tells me I'm being stupid and of course we will get to hospital because DSS took over 30 hours, I honestly don't think me believes for one minute that a baby could come this fast!

This is why I have also said to him I'm perfectly happy to call on friend to come and assist when I go into labour but he insists that he wants to be there for the birth of the baby!

This is one of the few occasions when a NRP has the upper hand and could turn round and say “no, I can’t have SS this weekend”

And as the ex can’t physically force him to drive over and collect SS for access, this should ensure SS stays with his mother. I realise it would be better if this could be arranged amicably, rather than the NRP having to force the ex’s hand, but if push comes to shove …..

Start a thread about short labours, especially for later children, and show him how many responses it gets (DD1 12 hours plus for me, DD2 BBA!)

Officially, I think we should have phoned labour ward, and they would have dispatched a midwife, and possibilly an ambulance.

What actually happened was I screamed for DH to dial 999 as DS2 was crowning.... First paramedic arived after 5 mins (ambulance control "Don't push, don't push" - they were fab), and delivered DS2. Second found the gas and air, and presumably locked the ambulance. He got upstairs after I'd delivered. There really wasn't time to find the labour ward number... They then asked if a midwife was on her way. We just looked blank. Yes, its worth checking - and putting the labour ward number by the phone. Neither of us were in the right frame of mind to remember any number of than the emergancy one pre wired into our brains.

Good Luck. I second (third) the amazing friends you have.

Okay .... so it sounds as if ex is actually a reasonable person and wouldn't mind keeping SS as required, and no, of course if it can be avoided it wouldn't be ideal to have to ask her or her partner to come and fetch him from yours. Which is great ! .... because believe me, and I speak from personal experience, it's agonising to try and plan a birth around contact when you have a difficult ex in the mix and a distance of more than 100 miles.

So what, exactly then, is the issue - as ex seems reasonable ? Is it your DP who's reluctant to "put off" SS for those weekends ? If so, he's being incredibly naiive and stupid and perhaps you need to lay it on the line to him - that if he wants to see the birth and has to take SS home there is every chance he's going to miss it. And quite possibly, SS might be upset at the disruption and all the comings and goings. Totally ridiculous and unfair of him to say that his ex's birth experience somehow dictates yours ... every woman and every birth is unique.

Purplerose I do see what you saying but we are not talking about not seeming him for a month, do can see him as much as DSS wants during week even weekend days it's just the overnight stays that are the main concern and these would not be a concern if DSS did not have special needs as it would be ok to leave him with friend for bit!

As I explained DP and DSS actually live 40 miles away from me so dp being able to source and local childcare for his son is just not do able as there is no one he knows who lives local to me! He has a brother who lives in kent which is 2 hours from my house and he has a mother who lives local to him but doesn't drive and is a alocholic so she can not help us in anyway, she has never ever even had DSS unattended! So really it is impossible for do to do what you said and find someone to look after him.

I wasn't really even thinking about the two weeks before baby is due just the due date to weekend later really as all my pregnancies have gone over buy 5-7 days so just guessing this one will prob follow suit....... But who knows

If your DP is 40 miles away with DSS then he's probably going to miss the birth if your labours have been 12/15 minutes, isn't he?

Cats my do will def be reluctant to put off having is weekend with his son, which I totally understand and I wish this wasn't a issue but because of DSS SN then it is just much more complicated than it would be if he didn't have SN

his ex wife really isn't going to throw her toys if the pram if she has to keep DSS for the weekend but I do know she will not be willing to make the journey to collect him, and I can understand why, why should she put off enjoying a glass of wine etc just incase I go into labour!

DP is very naiive about the labour ect and just burys his head in the sand, the thought if seeing a birth actually terrifes him, DSS was a emergency c section but still he insist he wants to be there even if that just means him being at head of bed looking the other way or more likely passed out on the floor

Nomore yes I have explained to him again there is a good chance of that and nearer the time he is planning on working from mine more to try and cover this period, but he would still see his son as much as possible during this period even if it means just collecting him from school and talking him to park for a kick about followed by a McDonald's before dropping him home, which in a way would be nice for them both to get some one on one time with Boone else around, as you can imagine being at mine weekends along with my 3 can be pretty hetic

Could your dp stay at his house that weekend, with his ex on standby? So if you go into labour he drops his son off to his mum and zooms down motorway to the hospital? Thus halving the journey?

I wouldn't change an access weekend on the maybe that you might go into labour, but maybe change things around a little?

Velma that will be another option I will suggest but then again that may result in him missing the birth given that my longest labour was 45 mins from waking up to having dd in hospital lift so with the time it will take to get into car, drop off then make the journey you will be longing at about a hour - 1 hour 30 until he arrives at hospital , like I say all a guessing game no one who how long it will be

Unfortunately with younger children (regardless of the stepchild or not) that can be the case that the fathers could miss the birth, simply due to fast labours and unpredictability. Friend of mines husband missed their second child as he was following the ambulance and she gave birth in it, so not even any child issues.

At eleven it seems a good chance he will understand (if he were younger I would probably advise differently, at least at eleven you can explain he is not being pushed aside) and hopefully his mum will understand. Fwiw when my exs girlfriend had the baby we were a little more lenient with access - again with hospital trips that followed - but we didnt stop access on a "what if" simply as that could be a month with early and late labours. But again, different as we all live within a five mile radius.

when can you guys speak to dss and his mum?

Do will be able to speak to ex this week and hear her views on it, the distance is the biggest problem as it makes everything very difficult along with DSS special needs which mean there is not anyone local to me that me will be able to be looked after by!

I'm sure we will figure something out, what I don't know but guess first thing would be to gauge ex thoughts

Gosh OP, I think you've tried to think of everything!

I totally agree with Catsmother on all of her points.

For what it's worth, when my ex's partner had their baby, I was on standby for the couple of weekends around the due date, our DCs didn't go for the weekend the baby was born, and I took them to their dad's for the afternoon when the baby was born, so that they could go and visit their new brother in the hospital. This is just reasonable behaviour IMO! And, before anyone asks, ex's partner was the OW in our relationship - but that is also irrelevant. It sounds as though your DP's ex is reasonable too.

It sounds as though you might have more issues getting the point across to your DP!!!!

Why can't his mum have him when you go into labour.

Not sure I'd be happy with a random person looking after my kid, especially one with with SN and 6 other children to look after!