AIBU to say no to DSS staying weekends baby is due

[Katecake]

Basically me and DP don't live together (40miles apart) I have 3 DC's and he has a DS (10)

Now ds stays with us every other weekend so depending on if things shift around for any reason he will be here either weekend baby due or week after!

Now when I have this baby I'm relying on my friend, as my parents are away on hols and my sis lives to far away, so friend had agreed to come to me if I go into labour during night, go to bed at mine and in moring (early) will take my DC to hers as she will need to tend to her own 3 kids as DH works!

Now I know I don't know exactly when I go into labour but am I being unreasonable say no to ds staying if baby has not arrived before his weekend?

I just don't feel it's my friends resoponsiblilty to have to look after a child she does not know/ he doesn't know her and she has her own 3 kids as well as my 3 to look after? Plus ds has ADHD and is difficult to control, plus she will be left totally car less as she will just tske my 7 seater witch will fit in her, her 3 DC and my 3 DC perfectly!

DP taking him home when not be a option given the distance it will be a 2 hour round trip and the fact my longest labour has only been 40 mins so it just won't fit time wise!

I'm not looking forward to telling to DP about this so just wanted views if i am being out of order ?

i think if you had an alternative arrangement you d happily take it but you have so few options i think your quite right to put the visit off and he will see his dad over the period. it is too much for your friend who effectively is supposed to move 7 children round without transport to cope with. why would it be better for the dss to be with stranger as jumping says than with his mum, could he cope with that? id feel a bit over whelmed in his shoes. i assume you ll have time to reassure him of the reasons for the change its not as if he ll be left high and dry. its not a 100% perfect but your doing the best you can

Purplerose I do see what your saying but there is honestly nothing he could arrange because if the distance, he only has a brother who lives even further away and his mum who doesn't drive, we will ask ex wife though I'm really not hopeful at all she will help in anyway!

He will not have to go without seeing son as can see him during week or even weekends days as would just mean he would have to drop son home and try to make way to hospital in time

Septic tank yes it will all be explained to him, if between me and friend we had one less child then it wouldn't be as big of a problem in respects of car issue at all, but just don't think it's fair in either off them as they don't know each other and ds needs constant prompting to take his medication at set times etc and it's just not fair to put the resoponsiblilty on her. She will also have 6 children 10 and under to look after

YABU. He is part of the family. Why should he be treated differently to the other children.

If you are concerned he doesn't know your friend then introduce him to her before hand.
If you go in to labour in the middle of the night given how quick you say you give birth the likely hood is your DP will be home before they wake up.

I wonder if it was one of your children with a SN would you be looking at ways to put him with somebody else as it is easier on your friend?

Tbh I think you have already decided that it will be easier if he is not there.
You have months ( or have had months depending on how far gone you are) to prepare him and to prepare childcare such as introducing him to your friend months ago so that they know each other.
You also could have sorted collection arrangements with the ex and considering she is his mum she would surely know how he is around new people and would want to collect him herself anyway to spare him any anxiety.

It does sound like you've already made your mind up.

Funny foot that's totally unfair DSS has medication that he hates taking and will do anything to avoid and it's not fair to ask a stranger to take responsibility for this!

I have also explained DSS will find this situation very overwhelming and stressful and is prone to doing a runner if he gets upset? If she has him also she will be carless, do you suggest she chases him off down the road with 6 other children including toddlers?

If my child was the one with the SN it would be being looked after by a trusted friend who knew the child and his/her needs not a stranger!

I have said in previous posts we will talk to his mother though we are not hopeful at all that she will help, her answer will be like everything else, tough you will have to drive him home"

Think you need to wind your neck in

Nomoretether I would love nothing more than for this not to be a issue which is why I came her asking for advice and hoping to see if anyone could suggest anything else!

But given DDS problems and they issues with friend and leaving her/her children carless and the distance between any other friends/family that DDS is happy to be with then I really don't see what else I can do!

We can't be in hospital worrying that DDS. Has had a meltdown and gone running off!

I am trying to think of the best answer here so we don't need to change anything and there is a good chance that it won't happen at a weekend even but we do need a back up plan in case!

It's not a matter of not wanting him here

I see it as my opinion OP which by the way is what you invited by asking the question AIBU. It does not have to be fair, just because you don't like it doesn't make it unfair.

As I said could you not have introduced them sooner so that they were no longer strangers?
Correct me if I am wrong but you get your due date around 16 weeks so plenty of time to work this out.

Also I did suggest speaking with his mum which you have said you will do anyway so my post wasn't entirely unfair was it.

Opps sorry you are not in AIBU.

However you still did ask for advice and that was mine.

That will teach me to hang around on the AIBU topics for most of the evening.

DDS has meet some if my friends etc but he has lots of issues that just means he will not be comfortable to be Kraft with anyone it takes him along time to build up any type of relationship with new people and will go into meltdowns, run off etc when he is upset and these are really difficult things to deal with, plus there is the medication that needs to be given at set times and he will do anything to avoid this, whoever looks after him needs to know him well and he needs to know them, it's not just my friend but also her children could cause him massive upset!

Sadly DDS is a troubled complex little boy who needs lots of extra care and attention, to just go off and leave him could cause major upset!

Believe it it not in actually thinking about his needs here, not mine it my kids

It won't hurt ds to miss a visit

Why should pregnant op have to mess with her birth plan / find childcare for a child who doesnt live with her?

Things just need to be made easy, no need for talk of exclusion. There are special circumstances and it's a one off

It's really not something you should be stressing over op

Bob - thank you it's hard not to stress because I'm trying to do right thing, but I just can't see any other way, my friend really isn't keen on having to look after him with all his needs etc and I can't say I blame her as it will not be easy and she will still have 6 other young children to look after plus then the car issue!

If we lived local then none if this will be a problem and I'm really not comfortable being forced to have a home birth I don't really want just to make sure he can be here.

Meh - honestly, it's not your problem. You've got enough on your plate. You're not sending him off to play with satan, he'll be with his mum.

Offer an extra weekend once things settle if the mum is precious over her down time but a woman due to have a baby is totally entitled to look for ways to make things easier

I agree the best place for SS while there is a potential risk of disruption would be with his mum - and to ensure that happens, he will need to forego what, at most a couple of overnight stays (if EOW) while the birth is imminent.

Seeing as his dad would still be able to see him during the week over this period of uncertainty I really don't see why people are getting so affronted at him being "left out" or "pushed to one side" or whatever when the alternative plan of him staying overnight could well mean that OP's DP might miss the birth if he had to drive him back home as soon as OP goes into labour. That really isn't fair to OP is it - how many of you would be truly happy to labour alone while your partner is mid-drive ? .... and especially when the situation could have been avoided. Add to that, what is the point of having a child stay overnight, only for them to be potentially woken in the middle of the night, driven back to their mum's - who'll also be woken in the middle of the night - when the end result is that said child would have only spent hours at OP's anyway ? (and that also applies to the idea of his mother coming to fetch him assuming she was willing). Far better that neither child or mum has their sleep disrupted by - shock horror - him remaining at his mother's for the period immediately before OP's due date and until she actually gives birth.

As for all this crap about you've had months to plan, you should have introduced him to friend etc ........ well, that completely misses the point. OP has explained again and again that there is no-one else other than friend to provide potential childcare. She has explained the logistics pertaining to her friend's help, which already sound quite complicated but bottom line is, all the introductions in the world won't help if friend is unwilling to also accept responsibility for a child who has extra needs - and if she doesn't feel comfortable about that, that's her prerogative and all the online whingeing at OP isn't going to change that fact. What are people suggesting that OP does exactly ? .... is she supposed to whinge and pressurise her friend in turn ?

OP is NOT excluding SS .... she has said he's welcome to visit new baby as soon as can be arranged, she just - understandably - would like her DP with her when she labours and doesn't want the stress worrying about the potential difficulties which would arise if SS had to suddenly be transported back to his mum at short notice.

If SS does miss out on a couple of weekends (at most) it won't be the end of the world. Quite apart from explaining the logistics to him I'm sure that it'd be possible for DP to do something "special" with him around this time of an evening which could be sold as "making up" for not having him all weekend - assuming that he's put out at the prospect of staying with his mum that is ... he might just take it all in his stride anyway.

OP - the only thing I'd say is that you mention "not looking forward" to telling DP about your concerns. Is he under the impression that your friend will be looking after ALL the children, or has he just not thought about logistics at all ? Surely he won't see this as some massive insult ? ........ there doesn't seem to be any way round SS staying at his mum's in the complete absence of suitable childcare, and also assuming that DP doesn't want to run the risk of missing the new baby's birth if he's driving SS back.

Oh my word! Seriously, no. Yanbu, I would love to know how many of these negative replies come from Actual SPs. If you DSS is anything like my DSD, (who we get EOW) he probably doesn't even look at your home as Home! Instead he will look at it as DaddyS house. He is probably out of routine when visiting EOW anyway and will be more comfortable staying with his mum around the time the baby is due. We explained to EXW that DSD would be better with her mother or mothers family over that period due to uncertainty and then once baby arrived we would make arrangements so DSD could come and meet her brother. When we have another baby, the same will be happening. I don't think that's unreasonable at all!!! Your DSS will most likely be happy with that and his mother should be too.

I really don't think you're being unreasonable. I think you need to think about the best situation for each of the children. The best person up look after your three kids is your friend. She is not the best person to look after dss, his mum is.

I don't see why your friend should be hugely inconvenienced when dss has a mum he can be with?

I think as well people are missing the fact you don't live with your dp. Thou sound lovely and trying to do what's best so bollocks to all the martyrs who give birth at home. Your birth , your baby.

OP, no, YANBU. And it's quite likely it won't happen this way anyway as you may well go into labour before then. Just get DP to see him in evenings that week.

If you were saying "I have four kids, my friend can take the youngest three and granny can have the oldest one to stay for a couple of weeks around the birth, what should I do?" No one would tell you to get your friend to do more!

Finding childcare arrangements is your dp's problem anyway op - is absolutely not fair of him to assume you will be sorting this. Hopefully he has already thought of it and arranged for dss to stay with his mum and your worrying over nothing.

Well exactly Doctrine. I know of families with 2 or 3 children already where each child has ended up with a different friend or relative when their mum goes into labour because there simply isn't one single person willing or able to look after all of them (and why should they). It's also entirely feasible that if a birth turns out to be difficult, and/or if labour is prolonged that those kids will be shipped from one carer to another while their parents are away due to the original carer's existing obligations, commitments and/or (lack of) availability as time goes on and I'm afraid it's just one of those things which have to be sucked up however less than ideal it is because babies aren't predictable and logistics for existing children can become very complicated at such times! Believe it or not, not everyone has a vast army of nearby and ready helpers willing to drop everything at a moment's notice.

In comparison to that, surely it is better to remove all uncertainty for a child (arguably even more so for a child with additional needs) if at all possible and leave them with their own mother, in the home where they spend the vast majority of their time and where they feel safe and secure ? That has to be the preferred option doesn't it ? .... and actually, I feel that the non-res child here actually has an advantage in this particular situation because they don't have to be "farmed out" so to speak to a friend who, however well they know and like them, is almost certainly not going to be as close to them as a parent is.

You'd have thought the OP was suggesting SS is sent to the local orphanage for the duration going by some of the responses on this thread ......

Yy cats and what's more, depending on the nature if the SN of course, I would expect the eldest child, at 10, to also think that was preferable to being woken in the night, potentially witnessing a home birth etc.

Separately, OP, do you have a neighbour who might pop in and watch the children for a few minutes until your friend could get there?

If it was me I'd try and arrange to cancel a couple of visits over the time around due date/new baby being there so that when you re start visits things have all settled a bit and dss can meet his new sibling when things are 'back to normal' again. It also gives you time to rest before the birth, not worry if your dp will make it there in time and to recover afterwards.

Given your other quick labours, I'd definitely talk about home birth. Doesn't solve the problem entirely as you still need a plan if you have to transfer.

My first choice would be talking to the mother about having your stepson back - perhaps speak to a trusted taxi company about sending him home that way? Though I think given age / SN / distance he should be taken back by his father. Tbh, I think his father would have to take him back anyway, going on those previous labour times, you don't have an hour (? 40 miles) to wait for his mother to arrive.

Can you afford to have a professional nanny on call? You might be able to work out an arrangement with an agency to pay an on call fee over the most likely weekends. You don't need to worry about a professional coping with the medication reminders - it's their job, and you could brief in advance.

I do think that you need to consider the possibility of your husband having all 4 kids. Have you sounded out the friend about being your birth partner? How would you feel about doing it without a partner? (I've only had one but would have been happy for my ex (ex now, I mean!) to not be there.
I'm sorry if that's a hard thought for you - just it wouldn't bother me as a last resort.

Can your parents delay their holiday? (if you paid any money lost?) Are you not close? It seems a bit sad they'll be away.

I actually agree with Cabrinha. I think you need to work out whether you can contemplate labouring by yourself or perhaps with another friend? Whilst dp looks after the dcs.

Identical thoughts to Cabrinha: Have you considered DP staying at home with all the kids, and looking for someone else to be your birth partner (or labouring alone - sounds like you have pretty fast labours). FWIW, DS2 was a bathroom floor, paramedic delivery. Mum got called on first contraction, and made it the same time as everyone else.

Just a point: if you dial 999, you will get the ambulance and paramedics, but not a midwife. DS2 was a BBA (born before arival) - even tho the paramedic delivered him.