AIBU to say no to DSS staying weekends baby is due

[Katecake]

Basically me and DP don't live together (40miles apart) I have 3 DC's and he has a DS (10)

Now ds stays with us every other weekend so depending on if things shift around for any reason he will be here either weekend baby due or week after!

Now when I have this baby I'm relying on my friend, as my parents are away on hols and my sis lives to far away, so friend had agreed to come to me if I go into labour during night, go to bed at mine and in moring (early) will take my DC to hers as she will need to tend to her own 3 kids as DH works!

Now I know I don't know exactly when I go into labour but am I being unreasonable say no to ds staying if baby has not arrived before his weekend?

I just don't feel it's my friends resoponsiblilty to have to look after a child she does not know/ he doesn't know her and she has her own 3 kids as well as my 3 to look after? Plus ds has ADHD and is difficult to control, plus she will be left totally car less as she will just tske my 7 seater witch will fit in her, her 3 DC and my 3 DC perfectly!

DP taking him home when not be a option given the distance it will be a 2 hour round trip and the fact my longest labour has only been 40 mins so it just won't fit time wise!

I'm not looking forward to telling to DP about this so just wanted views if i am being out of order ?

YANBU! My dsc missed a visit, it's not the end of the world and they love their brother to bits. We made up the missed weekend. Everyone saying yabu probably aren't SP tbh and don't have children's interest at hart. Contact must happen no matter what? I don't think so

UC totally biggest problem will be getting point across to DP as he will just bury his head in the sand like he does with his sons SN

I also think best place will be for him to be with his mum where he is stable and will cause him the least upset but lots of other posters think I'm being unreasonable!

Also I need to counter in the fact that labour might happen so fast that I have no choice but to call 999 and to be honest I'm not happy at the prospect of my own children witnessing that and what with DSS sleep/behavior issues there is no way he would stay upstairs, he is much more likely to either be running around screaming or in a meltdown because he is upset with the situation and all the people about or doing a runner so that's really not going to be helpful for anyone

I think unfortunately you might need to get DP to stay with the kids and you do the hospital thing on your own - or could you arrange another birth partner?

Failing that, could DSS have access with his dad in his dads home town those weekends instead of at yours? Then if you go into labour, DP can drop DSS home quickly and come straight to you rather than making a round trip. Does DSS mum live in the same town as DP?

OP - having read the last paragraph in your post, this gives even more support to the suggestion that DSS should stay with his Mum. Would any woman in labour really want a SN child, who wasn't their own, running around having a meltdown?

I should add that some posters give the impression that maintaining access arrangements is somehow more important than the wellbeing of the expectant mother. I'm sure they don't mean this .......

kate if you are happy to labour without DP, I would just leave the ball in his court. Worst that can happen is that you go into labour on the weekend, you call your friend to take you to hospital and leave DP to sort the rest out. He can hardly argue lol!

You seem pretty level headed about all this so I would just leave it at that!

Yes Petal, and of course if SS has a meltdown that won't be any fun for him either, it'll be because he's distressed and frightened. Why oh why would anyone needlessly put him through that ? The OP's DP needs to cut weekend stayovers from the due date until she gives birth - that way OP doesn't have to fret as she is now, SS isn't placed in a position where developments might cause him to meltdown and DP gets to see his new baby born as he wishes. I just don't get why he's burying his head in the sand about this unless he somehow believes that SS might be affronted at being "left out" or something and that that outweighs the risk of him melting down and being genuinely upset.

Poor lad. How do you know he will understand and not feel rejected?
I think you should find another birth partner "in case" and accept that your boyfriend (he's hardly a partner if he just visits at weekends) needs to take care of his son if you go into labour on an access weekend

For me if I had to have friend instead of DP as birth partner then fine but he is insisting that he wants to be there!

So it is really up to him to decide if he insists he want to still have DDS then he will have to just accept that he will have to do it at his house and almost certainly miss the birth there really isn't anything I can do to change that, all I can do is try to think of a way that means do will be there for the birth and DSS will not get left in a situation that will be upsetting for him and potentially dangerous

Guess it will just all depend on DP, will try and sound out all of this tonight

Personally, if my DP was being this obtuse I would contact his Ex, but I imagine that could cause friction. I'd give her a quick call to say hi, how is DSS, and say that as your due date was v soon you thought it would be useful to have a quick catch up to avoid upsetting DSS.

a) there's a 90% risk of a drop everything 999 call and mad dash to the hospital.
b) DP wishes to attend the birth which will mean that DSS would be cared for by your friend as no family (who he presumably knows) are on hand. You/DP should ask her permission to do this especially as she would have to give him medication.
c) risk of complications for you and/or baby. Is she prepared to personally collect DSS if you have to spend longer than 12 hrs in hospital and DP cannot return him. Simply state that friend cannot manage 7 children by herself.

I would be very surprised if she did not offer to keep him with her for a few weeks, and make special arrangements for DP to take him for an early dinner after work, or alter his weekends to visit when the baby is around. I wouldn't want my easily upset child unnecessarily disrupted.

DP needs to accept that if DSS is staying, that's absolutely fine but unless the timing is exceptionally lucky and it can all take place in 8 hrs while DSS sleeps, he will be missing the birth.

Starfish, def is a partner not different than anyone else who DP works away, he rents a room Monday-thurs for work and comes back to our house on a Friday till early Monday morning! Both have financial ties together just because we choose not to marry does not mean he is not my DP!

Doesn't solve the fact that do wants to be present for his child's birth

Oscar my friend looking after DDS is not a option either and because of his sleep issues we would never be lucky enough to be able to sneak off to a hospital and back considering he is up around 10 times a night and for him to wake up and find is gone would be horrendous for him

"Poor lad. How do you know he will understand and not feel rejected?"

From all that's been said, there is only "least bad" options and DSS potentially feeling rejected is less bad than his likely distress at any other arrangement.

If the room rent is mon-thu there probably isn't an option for DP to stay the weekend. And if you go into labour Friday lunchtime, say, chances are DP will go straight from work to hospital and DSS would then have to stay with his mother - would he then feel rejected?

He is 10 and depending on his needs may have some understanding of why the change is happening and that it's a one off.

So I will retract that bit then.
But not "living together" does convey a different scenario to "working away".

Of course the most sensible thing to do is for DsS to stay with his mother for the weekend around your due date. Never mind sticking to the rota - the complex arrangements ( DSS being looked after by unfamiliar friend, issues around medication, DsS additional needs) would be far far more distressing for DsS than simply rearranging access for different dates.

Any reasonable mother would surely prefer to rearrange dates than have her SEN child struggle to cope with a stranger and miss medication. And it's far simpler to have those plans from the outset than to call her to drive and collect him in the middle of the night.

It sounds as if your DP is very unlikely to be there for the birth anyway - as the chances are you'll go into labour in the week, and he'll be 40 miles away. If your labours are short like previously then he'd have no time to get there.

And if you do go into labour at the weekend, he may also have to miss it, whether or not his has his DS with him because your friend would have to get there very fast to be there before the ambulance. If she's not there in time, your DP would have to stay behind to look after your 3 DCs and follow on later. You'd be best to talk this through with him beforehand.

It does seem from what you say that you're thinking of how to manage for all the time you're in hospital, but if labour is quick then it would really just be 2-3 hours your DP would be with you in the hospital wouldn't it? Most new fathers go back home once they've had a cuddle with the new arrival and ascertained that all is well. They can come back with the older kids for a visit.

Agree that if he's seeing DSS regularly in the week then missing a couple of weekend access visits matters less.

The plan is around the time that DP will work from mine meaning he won't be 40 miles away (lucky for us he will be able to do this) so we are trying our hardest to make sure he is there, if unfortunately labour begins when DP is say going over to see him for a after school visit to keep up as much contact as possible around this time then is just bad luck and there will be nothing we can do!

In my past experiances unless things have changed but because I had all my DC early hours of morning it was always hour before I could get to be discharged as had to wait for doctor!

Chances are non of this will be a issue but just feel we need something in place just in case!

"Thanks for mentioning the 999 thing I thought they would automatically also dispatch a midwife to a emergency call for labour so if this is not the case then I need to double check where I need to be phoning just in case."

OP on this, I don't think there is an "emergency midwife" option - ambulances and midwives are not always in the same place. I think your best bet is to set up for a home birth as at least then you will be in the local planning calendar for midwives and you will have at least some of the stuff at home if required. The midwives will also know you are a quick labourer and could treat your call to them accordingly!

At any time during a home birth you can opt to go in if you feel there's time so it feels like nothing to lose. Were your other DCs late/early?

Is there any chance your DP could work from home around your due date?

...cross post!

Doc all my other DC have been a week late, last two I had sweep and found out then I was already 4cm but no pains so I have always just waited around hospital until labour begins, so I don't actually have any contactions until waters brake and baby is well on way by then, hoping this might be case again because at least that way we should be able to. Make sure DP is there and DSS is back with his mum

I've had a bit of a probably premature think about this recently as my ex and I have a pretty rigid rota situation but he and his ex are trying for a baby.

I decided that I would expect him (definitely not her!!!) to come up with a suitable plan A, and ideally B, then I would be happy to be his plan C to go and pick up DD immediately if his DW went in to labour. We are only 15/20 minutes away so much more manageable.

If we were further away (as with you OP) I would expect him to organise a weekend away for her near to him within his own support network for if baby should make an appearance else I'd end up potentially having DD (and her not seeing her dad) for a month, depending on when the baby came. I do feel she would be a bit upset by this. Although I completely understand that ex’s DW will want some flexibility around the rota during the early baby days which I am happy to accommodate due to the fact that a new sibling will be a positive addition to DD’s life and I want it to be as smooth as possible for all of them. A stressed, possibly PND step mum will be no use to DD.

Malificent - have I understood this correctly? You would be flexible with the rota once the baby has arrived, but if delivery clashed with an access weekend, you would expect your ex to still take your daughter anyway, but would expect him to make plans for her to be elsewhere? Who, apart from you, would benefit from this? Apologies if I've misinterpreted your post, but this sounds like something my DH's ex would do!

Malificent, it's fine to expect your ex to make plans within his own support network if there is one - for example, the child going to stay with grandparents or other people she knows well. In the OP's case, there is nobody else, and so a child with Sen and a history of refusing medication would be cared for by someone he doesn't know, among a whole bunch of children he has never met.

I really don't understand this insistence from lots of people that the rota cannot change so the stepchild doesn't feel left out. The stepchild is guaranteed to feel left out if their parents insist they go to the NRP and the stepchild then has to be cared for by someone they don't even know - that's far more likely to feel like abandonment than just staying with your mum an extra weekend.

I think it's fine to ask the ex to have the child. But you do need to be a bit sensitive to the fact that your ex moving on to have a new baby with someone else can be a difficult thing for many people. And a lot of single parents rely on the time their DC is with the NRP as the only time they can be sure of some child-free time to make their own plans. And to be told that there's no nights out for a month because your ex has more important things to worry about than being relied on to care for the children he already has doesn't always go down well (I know that's not how you'd phrase it, but that's how it will be heard) This may be even more the case if the DSS has SENs and is not easily left with others. If the mum turns round and says no, he's your child, you sort it out, then the OP's DP (not her) needs to find some sort of care for his DS during the times he'd normally have him but wants instead to be there at the birth, just like he would if he was living with him full time.

If the ex is OK about being flexible, then that's great, and obviously the best option all round. But it's ultimately the OP's DP's responsibility to find childcare to cover for the birth of his new baby, not his ex's.

I agree with everything cats mother says.

Its not an ideal situation, but DSS missing a couple of weekends at most and seeing his dad during the day instead of overnights seems like the most reasonable option for all concerned.

I hope the birth goes well for you all!