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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Support thread. For current step-parents.

346 replies

brdgrl · 31/03/2014 16:18

If you're a current step-parent with children who live with you at least some of the time, and fancy offloading or a rant or have a question you want to ask others who are currently in your situation and you want to do it in a safe place, and you don't want to ask a non-step-parent then why not ask in here.
:)

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SmallOrangeGiraffe · 06/04/2014 17:45

Thanks guys! i've been totally un-coopporative today, ie no dinner being cooked etc - told DH to sort it out as i'm busy looking after our 3 young kids (one being 4 mths old) while he panders to his 15 & 13 year olds.

I feel your pain everyone, being at step parent is soooo hard, you have just no idea how hard it is until you become one!

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 06/04/2014 20:06

Charlie if that was one of my own dc they wouldn't be able to say anything beginning with a b until their swollen lip had gone down

The bloody cheek!

I happen to despise being called a bitch and everyone knows it

charliefoxtrot · 06/04/2014 20:31

Things Yes, that's my usual style too, but she caught me off guard. I am resolved not to let it happen again! Actually told DH I had thought about moving out because I was that upset about it, but I have calmed down a bit now

LineRunner · 06/04/2014 20:40

Things, sorry to be po faced but you are joking about the swollen lip, right?

Malificentmaud · 06/04/2014 21:37

Charlie that's awful. I any believe he didn't do anything Hmm

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 07/04/2014 00:27

Line runner Grin of course I am

DS is my size now can't get away with child battery any more

I haz other wayz of making people regret calling me names I don't like

But DS has never had that amount of disrespect for me fortunately Smile

WinterLover · 07/04/2014 06:54

I really want to move. Somewhere that 'people' can't pass to go to the shops.

Exw's DH has, according to DSD bedn coming 5miles out of the way when going to the shop to pass our house to see what DP is up to!!

He's done this before, but seriously will they/him ever just let us get on with our life! DSD wasn't even with us!

WinterLover · 07/04/2014 07:01

must add that DP has seen him driving past and pulling up nearly every day.

nomoretether · 07/04/2014 07:46

That's really creepy, winter.

Charlie did your DH not pull her up? I would be fuming at SD but I'd also be really angry if DH didn't do/say something.

We've had a nice relaxing drama free weekend for a change. OH told DSC about the baby, no backlash from exW as yet but sadly it usually takes the form of her saying horrible/confusing things to DSC (expecting: it's not your brother/sister, daddy has a new family now, you won't ever meet the baby etc) so we'll see what they come out with next weekend. Why you'd mess with your own kids minds like that is beyond me.

WinterLover · 07/04/2014 07:56

nomore thats what exw did to DSD when I was expecting DS. Along with I wasn't pregnant I was just fat! and we're only doing it to replace her!

We've had no backlash yet about this baby but it usually takes a couple of months for it to kick in.

Fingers crossed you don't get too much backlash

Whereisegg · 07/04/2014 11:13

Oh a safe place Smile
I don't have any issues with dss, he's bloody lovely, but his dm drives me crazy!
Won't let us know if he won't be coming until literally an hour before leaving us with 2 upset dc and frustration that we haven't been able to make plans to maybe go somewhere.
Gets pissy when dp lets her know 2 months in advance of a night we can't do as usual (the last time she text saying I should ring in sick to have him, on the day we had given her 2 months notice of, because she needed a night off and the fact that he comes every weekend fri-sun didn't give her enough of a break).

I have really tried to disengage since then but finding it difficult.

We don't get to see him in the holidays as she will literally send him to any of her family that will take him from the first day to the last, often resulting in him moving between different family members in the holidays.
She will tell them we won't have him any extra time, but what she means is that we always ask her work patterns and will try and shift/arrange days off for when she is working.
This isn't enough though, if we can't have him for the entire holiday (we both work, I have 2 jobs), then we don't get to see him at all.

I think her attitude is best summed up by her expectations of mothers/fathers day.
We should have dss on mothers day so she has a break, and we should have dss on fathers day as fathers day should be spent with your father Grin

Kaluki · 07/04/2014 11:13

Winter. Give him something to look at - Give him a moonie when he drives past!!!
Seriously I know how annoying it is. My ex did it for a few years. How sad to be so interested in other peoples lives because you don't have one of your own!!!

WinterLover · 07/04/2014 12:43

I did think of hanging teeny tiny pants, suspenders, whips and handcuffs in the window Grin but then I remembered im not as childish as them Wink

LineRunner · 07/04/2014 16:56

Thanks, things Smile

DizzySometimes · 07/04/2014 19:50

Love this thread too – this forum is a great place to come for support. I think the SPs on this board are fantastic but, like a lot of you, get really sick of being judged by people that don’t know me and take a few lines I write on a forum to come to the conclusion that I’m a wicked woman who doesn’t deserve any happiness. Oh please, join the cue and maybe come up with some new lines, instead of the same old tired clichés.

Compared to some posters, the situation here seems to be okay most of the time, but we still get the roadblocks thrown in the road every now and then, which comes when you have a teenager in your life. Generally, can handle these fine, but the whole situation can get depressing sometimes. Currently, DH is trying to help his son with schooling/choosing colleges/etc. As part of that, he’s trying to help him manage his time better as he’s feeling overwhelmed with homework (is missing deadlines/grades are worsening/is falling asleep in class) and told us this weekend that school is less stressful than the home he lives in most of the time (words from his mouth, not mine). What does DH do with that? I know DH’s son adores his mum, but how can DH help him? DH has tried to organise phonecalls with his son’s mum to discuss how the two of them can work together on his school issues, but nothing doing. I am giving DH as much support as I can, but it’s very sad to see this situation unfold.

DizzySometimes · 07/04/2014 20:05

And, of course, that should have read 'queue' instead of 'cue'. Sheesh.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 07/04/2014 21:37

No problem at all LR
As they say, see something, say something Smile

nkf · 07/04/2014 21:42

Can I ask why the terms stepmum and stepdad? I can understand if a child lives with you all the time and was young when you got together with a widower so you did take on a maternal role. But I can't imagine calling myself a stepmum to a couple of teenagers who have a living mother. Their father's wife, a friend (if they'd have me) but not somehow a mum, even with step in front of it.

charliefoxtrot · 07/04/2014 22:14

nkf DH and I were living together for a long time before we got married, but I found that being referred to as dad's girlfriend meant that people didn't take me seriously. However, my DSD had a period of about 2 years when her mum pretty much wanted nothing to do with her. What ever you're called, as a step parent you are expected to take on a parenting role. I am the one who cooks meals, chases homework, drives her about and listens to the endless teenage whinging. I have well and truly earned the title of step mum. Her living mum did very little to deserve her title.

nkf · 07/04/2014 22:20

Thank you for replying. But I don't understand what you mean by "deserve." Or "not deserve" for that matter.

DizzySometimes · 07/04/2014 22:31

nfk I would ask: why does the term of ‘stepparent’ have to be earned (which is what you imply from your original post, as if it’s somehow affected by how long you’ve known the child etc.), whereas the title of ‘mum’ and ‘dad’ is given to someone as soon as a baby is born, without anyone knowing if those parents are going to be good parents and truly deserving of having a child to look after? You only have to look at the Stately Homes threads to see some truly shocking actions by parents, but the posters still seem to refer to their parents as Mum and Dad (or do in the threads I have read - they may not in some instances).

As to ‘why use stepmum and stepdad’ – that’s a title that society has created for those roles, so why shouldn’t those titles be used if people wish to use them? Why should it be someone else stating what I can call myself, depending on how long I’ve known my husband’s child and how many hours I’ve put in, when I know my situation better than anyone else (and, again, that is what you are implying by differentiating between a resident SP and a nonresident SP to teenagers)? Personally, my husband’s son doesn’t ever call me stepmum (or I’ve never heard him do so) – I’m either ‘Dad’s wife’ or ‘Dizzy’, but I wouldn’t care if he did use that title to describe me that as that’s what I am, according to society's definition. I also don’t call him stepson either, but when referring to relationships online, the shortening does sometimes make things easier, so I do sometimes use it here.

nkf · 07/04/2014 22:36

I don't think it has to be earned. Not at all. Or deserved. And I know full well that all varieties of parents can be awful and wonderful. The people I know who have extremely good relationships with their partner's children have avoided the stepparent terms and the stepparent roles. They are affectionate and kind and reliable and generally good but not parental. Of course it helps that all the adults in that case are stable and good humoured.

Anyway, I wondered if the terms stepmum and stepdad set up expectations that then created other problems. That's all.

DizzySometimes · 07/04/2014 22:45

I think sometimes there is an expectation that stepparents will either do or not do something, because of their role. Sometimes, it can feel like a 'damned if you do and damned if you don't' scenario. It seems step-parents can get into trouble by being too involved, or not involved enough, because of the different expectations of what their roles should be. I wonder, though, in the scenario you refer to whether it's more due to the relationships that the adults have and how well they get on (and communicate their expectations of what they should all do for the children involved?), rather than what they do or don't call themselves.

nkf · 07/04/2014 22:50

You are probably right. They are very clear about things. But they were also very clear about not using the terms. It was sort of mixed in with where they drew the boundaries. Thank you for taking the time to respond to my questions.

MrsKranky · 07/04/2014 23:10

Hello! What a great thread! I have one DSD, aged 7, and none of my own. I was 22 when I met DP and 23 when we got together.

I only found MN when I was struggling and found this forum, then stayed! Things were really difficult at first, especially the first two years, one year living apart and the first year living together. We have DSD every weekend. Things are much better now I feel like I've settled into things more, and figured out the balance that makes us all happy (for now at least!)

Oh and I never called myself step mum. DSD calls me by my name, but also tells others I am her step mum (although she is pushing for me & DP to get married so I can be really properly her step mum, her words!)