Support thread. For current step-parents.

[brdgrl]

If you're a current step-parent with children who live with you at least some of the time, and fancy offloading or a rant or have a question you want to ask others who are currently in your situation and you want to do it in a safe place, and you don't want to ask a non-step-parent then why not ask in here.
:)

Aww, I hope having the chance to be the older sibling will bring her out of herself and give her a boost

hello everyone

Some of you know me but to those who dont im a step mum to DSD and mummy to DS. Currently pregnant with my DC2.

We have DSD at weekends and in the holidays (if we're allowed).

Life with the ex isnt always easy but DP and I try to keep out of the 'drama' and only communicate with exW when is really needed. She was a pain until I had DS. Maybe she realised we do have a solid family unit here after all.

Hi winter. Interesting what you say about DH's ex being less difficult since your son was born - I do sometimes wonder about some ex's attitude (wishful thinking? or based on their own position in their relationship with their own ex?) that the current partner is some sort of temporary impulse.

Russian, the issue about OWs always bugs me too.

Neither DP nor I were anyone's OW or OM. We met when we were both single, having been left by our ex partners, both of whom had left for an OM/OW. Believe me, both of us know exactly what it's like to be on the receiving end of being left for someone else. It's one thing I'm pretty darn sure neither of us would ever do to the other.

Not a sniff of infidelity, ever, from either of us, in any of our previous relationships. I hate it when people assume I must have lured DP away from his lovely family life. He'd been divorced for several years when I met him!

Unfortunately some ex's are only too happy to re-write history - so even if you met your DP/DH months or years after the divorce, you still find yourself being blamed!!!!

Once saw a message on FB that ex had written to her friend saying DH had met a new girl and something along the lines of "I'm fairly sure it started before we split" even though they'd been divorced for a year when we met and she had had three relationships in that time, even taking DSD away with one of her partners and his kids.

I do think it's easier to assume though that there was a scarlet woman involved rather than that your husband just decided he didn't want to be married to you any more.

oh ExW definitely rewrites history! DP had been creating on her apparently! Strange how she had another man living with her 6 weeks later. She somehow misses that part out of the story. DP didn't cheat, he never got the chance, either at work or with exw. She was a tad possessive.

Im preparing for her nose to be stuck in our life again as we told DSD about the new baby last time she was with us.

Hi Winter :)

I think they either become more comfortable that you are capable of looking after their child or they feel obliged to not get in the way of the sibling relationship when you have your own child...

It's interesting how many people (mostly women it seems) seem to think that you've stolen their man not matter how long it's been since they split. One of DPs exs sent all sorts of abuse to him about me, when they'd been broken up over a year when we got together, they had briefly attempted to 'see' each other about 4 months before me and him got together but even so, that had fizzled out like a lead balloon after about a week because she didn't make the changes she had promised and he'd only tried it because she's been so persistent! Why does anyone think anyone else is their property? Or that a woman who meets their ex after they break up (I knew him before that week or 2 of seeing each other but had only met a few times at social events) and has never met the woman, is in some way in the wrong for having a relationship with him???

Hey Alita

Its stupid really. I know the fact we are happy, been together 6 year (since DSD was 2), and have a happy family life where DP and I share everything.

From what DSD has said and bits exw has dropped in they don't have a happy relationship. She has to ask her DH for money etc. They regularly had shouting matches where doors slam it used to affect DSD but I think she thinks its the norm now.

Hi all! A lovely thread, so nice to have a safe haven, even though this is the SP board .

I only wish I had known about MN when my DP and I got together about 6 years ago, I knew nothing about being a SP'ing to a child. My late DH had 3 grown up offspring, it all went completely pear-shaped after I lost him. I think he was the 'glue' that held it all together and after his passing, it rapidly descended. I was suddenly this unwanted, unneeded person " on the scene" and they couldnt wait to see the back of me. I was in their way of them and inheritance I have survived, I expected nothing, tried my utmost and ended up with as little as I expected, no problem there! Have the wonderful memories of my DH to last a lifetime.

Met my DP after 1 year, never expected anything but was hugely surprised that we hit it off, he was so understanding re me losing DH and it made me strong enough to want to be together with him and my DSS. Was a very rocky road with his ExP. After 6 years, not a word passes between the 2 parents, it was sooo acrimonious for any human to bear. Weird that it was ex's decision to put a bomb under their relationship and then treat me with total distain, but it was what it was. He is a totally faithful man, no OW. He fought and won 50/50 residency and now finally, things have settled down, mainly due to the passage of time, zero contact with ex, it was sooo stressful, shenanigans at every turn, even now there is the occasional spanner in the works just to be awkward. Plus DSSs maturity has helped a lot. Things I have learned over the past 6 years:

• no point fighting fire with fire. i encouraged DP to distance himself, he was all for conciliatory letters, cooperating re holiday dates. Nope all it did was play into ex's hands making her more determined to be a "thorn in his side". We tried it, ironed the TShirt, then threw it in the bin, kept distance and focussed on making DSS happy as best we could. Found out its called "parallel parenting", its the PC term for, just keep away no good can come of it (in our circumstances anyway)

• it isnt a competition, nothing to be won or lost. No matter how ghastly, manipulative, scheming, destructive an ex behaves (i have tried and struggled to separate person from behaviour, but Im not perfect!) they are still the parent. And I am who I am, hopefully a positive person, thats all I can ever hope to try and be.

• blood is thicker than water, but love is thicker than blood. I may "not be your mother, not be your friend, not be anything to you" ex's words to DSS, but the maxim holds true.

Brdgrl, (thanks for starting this thread!) your point resonated with me:

I do sometimes wonder about some ex's attitude (wishful thinking? or based on their own position in their relationship with their own ex?) that the current partner is some sort of temporary impulse

DPs ex definitely thought and hoped i would be one in a long stream of women in DPs life and that DSS would hate me as much as she did Shame I disappointed her on both counts.

I have benefited from reading people's story, not always pleasant reading, i empathise an awful lot of the time!! I often feel, gosh that happened to me, sometimes it is uncanny how similarly people behave, even though other circumstances may be different.

Also grateful for this thread. As my name suggests I am at the end of my tether with my situation. We're in the final throes of the divorce, over two years waiting for this - last week exWs solicitor was apparently filing for the absolute (could have been done last summer!) but a week later she won't return any calls or emails. Similar stupid delays with contact hearing. I'm five months pregnant and could do without the stress.
Sick of being made to feel like crap by someone who doesn't even know me, sick of being stalked and having my internet posts on private forums being dragged into the court room of a case I'm not even party to. Sick of there being a new drama or threat of contact being stopped or restricted every single weekend.
Relationship wise we couldn't be any stronger but we are both physically sick with stress and no end in sight for about the next two months at the earliest.
I don't get how something can feel so brilliant, how I can feel so lucky to have such a loving, supportive partner, and yet it feels so utterly draining, pointless and hopeless.

Really dragging myself through each day at the moment so having a "safe space" is a great idea :)

Tether what a nightmare! I'm so sorry. All they can think about is their own drama, not the fact that there's a woman who in another life could even be a friend

Tether that sounds awful, good luck with your pregnancy!

I agree with Maud... these women do awful things, sometimes to us, and definitely to our partners and dsds yet some of them would have been friends in another life- we probably have something in common, our dps has had love for both/ all of us (us and those women) at some point... they can't be that bad, I know some of my friends aren't angels to other people but I enjoy my time with them anyway...

I just do not understand a blind dislike of a woman just because she is with your ex, unless they were the OW in which case I get it as I've felt it- a girl who my ex ha'd introduced me to and who had been all friendly with me, when she could have chosen to never meet me... but I didn't do or say anything to her, or via him. It was my ex who had betrayed me not her. But if it's a while down the line, why would you want your ex not to have happiness with someone else?

I can understand her pain. The break up of a marriage is never easy and I think it's incredibly hard to see your exH so happy even if that relationship started after you separated.
I understand the desire to want to make him unhappy and me unhappy, but I don't understand why you'd actually search through thousands of my old internet posts from 4-6 years ago and purposefully misquote to make me sound crazy, or why you'd lie to your children about my children being naughty (she's never met me or them) to scare them into not wanting to come here, telling the children daddy's a liar, that he's taken all the money (he took literally all the debt, she kept all the assets except his actual possessions like clothes, mobile etc), that he hit them (he doesn't even shout!)... Why would you mess with your own childrens heads? I know it's about retaining control in the chaos and holding on to her shaky self image she's had to create to convince herself that she wasn't at fault in the marriage but I've been the wife who was left too and I chose over and over again to take the pain of facing the truth rather than manipulating my own children. It's very sad.

No matter how much it hurts, there is NO excuse for hurting your children which is ultimately all they are doing by playing these games.

I'm much smarter than my ex, I know without doubt that if I turned it on I could definitely manipulate DD to hate him. I could tell her how he cheated on me and called me fat and boring just after I had her and had PND. I could point out to her all the times he's chosen a lads night out instead of his contact time with her... and that's just the stuff that's true! I could lie all I liked and she'd believe me. But why would I do that to her?? The only reason would be to make sure that I "won" which is exactly the word that DH's ex uses all the time when talking about DSD's affections.

When your DD is an emotional wreck with trust issues, an eating disorder and one attempt on her life under her belt at 15 years old and you're still using the line "I won" then you have something seriously wrong with you.

Also, on my phone, my sad emoji makes a "hmm" face on the website....

Saying all of that, ex did have an awful start in life and had no parents to show her what love was or to model parenting for her. I guess it's easy for me to say I know how to put my children first (in the true sense of the word - taking the hard decisions, not this crap about buying them everything they want and never saying no) because I had two parents who loved me and showed me what it was to be a parent. She didn't have that and had much worse besides, so there is a space in my heart to pity her.

Yes I think exWs parents haven't helped in this situation either - she has been endlessly spoilt and believes she should always get her own way.

It's no excuse though - manipulating your children is never okay. The poor things must be so completely confused and I dread to think the damage it will do as they get older.

My DPs ex had a rotten childhood too - maybe there's a pattern?
But then mine wasn't great and I've risen above it and made damn sure I didn't repeat my parents mistakes on my dc.
I often say to DP that he and his ex loved each other enough to get married and have dc once so surely they should be able to put their own shit aside for the sake if those dc. I think he could but his ex will never ever back down. She hates him (and therefore me) for existing. How can you deal with that?

I don't think you can, Kaluki. I've fully accepted that nothing we can do will ever change how exW acts. We can only do the best we can do to minimise the impact on DSC (and us!). The book "Divorce Poison" has been a great help with that but it's still hard.

No you really can't change them. You'll kill yourself trying. The only thing you and your DP can do is create a happy and secure environment for the children, with appropriate boundaries and not let the bastards (the exs, not the kids... well, sometimes ) get you down in-between visits by keeping your relationship a priority.

We got that wrong with DH not setting boundaries because of guilt, shame, lack of confidence in parenting. And me getting too upset and angry about my perceived lack of control over my life and with watching my DSD and DH suffering. We spent far too long talking and analysing it all and not enough time accepting that we could never change the ex and just get on with the things we could change. But we're all much happier now - it's been six years.

even so, there are still pretty much weekly dramas of one kind or another. And that's on top of dealing with my own ex! It's pretty tiring.

exactly we can only do what we can for our dscs!

I can't make dsds mum put her first or treat her with real love, or stop trying to manipulate her... I can't give her a new lovely mum. but I can be the best loving mother figure I can for her and look after her knowing she only spends a little bit of time with her mum anyway and so at least the influence is low.

Hi! I'm not officially a SM as I'm not married to my OH but we do live together with my teenage boys full-time and his twin boys every weekend. I have been having a hard time and came to the step parenting threads for advice. I've been put off posting by the harsh responses some people (the non step parents) give. I do read a lot of the threads and get advice from them and appreciate the help certain posters give so thank you for that!

One other thing I have learnt is that children sometimes behave entirely differently in their different homes. We sometimes have a situation where one of the DCs, mine or DPs, behaves in a way that our exes find difficult, but don't do the same at our house, or vice versa. The dynamic in each of their homes is different, depending on which parent, what siblings/half/step siblings are there.

I have also learnt that children can and do cope with different rules in different houses, so long as the rules are reasonable in each, they can be different. Whilst some of the decisions my ex or DP's ex makes are not the decisions I or he might make, it doesn't always mean that they are unreasonable.... I try and see the other view where I can... empathy is vital I think in a step situation. But it's not always there.

MrsWickens, whether you are a SM if you aren't married to DP has been hotly debated on MN.... Personally, and I think all the SMs on this board would probably agree, I don't think it matters a jot whether you're married or not, but whether you are fulfilling the role....

Oh I hope I haven't said something wrong. I definitely do fulfill the role even if I'm not married to their dad.