Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 13 14

Original poster

Support thread. For current step-parents.

346 replies

brdgrl · 31/03/2014 16:18

If you're a current step-parent with children who live with you at least some of the time, and fancy offloading or a rant or have a question you want to ask others who are currently in your situation and you want to do it in a safe place, and you don't want to ask a non-step-parent then why not ask in here.
:)

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

alita7 · 03/04/2014 13:23

I think if you fulfill the role you are a step parent, marriage doesn't mean you actually play a part in the child's life, you may not. not everyone wants to or can get married but they still care for, look after and bring up their partners children like their own. we're not married but I think of myself as a step mum especially to dsd 3 who lives with us and I treat as my own.

Malificentmaud · 03/04/2014 17:46

The whole marriage technicality is just something that's used to hit us over the head. I was told for six years that I wasn't a real step mum, just Dad's new GF. I can tell you that when we got married the attitude didn't instantly change - funny that.

nomoretether · 03/04/2014 19:02

I'm neither married to my OH nor do I have contact with DSC. I still consider myself a step parent to some degree. The impact the court case has on my life is sizeable and I have to sacrifice a lot to be "OHs girlfriend". I don't mean it in any sort of status or ownership kind of way, or to command respect. It's more a reflection of the seriousness of my relationship with OH. We will be married as soon as possible after the absolute finally comes through and that won't change how I see his children - it's just a piece of paper. The part of marriage that is more than the paper already exists for us.

I can't wait to eventually meet them and for them to meet their new sibling. They have been a big part of my life in an indirect way for a long time so it will be nice to make it "real".

benid · 04/04/2014 10:44

mrs wickens I don't think the label "stepparent" matters on here. I think, at least on the SP boards, it's just a catch-all to mean someone in a relationship (or who has had a relationship) with a DP who has kids with someone else.

I think to some extent we are all in the same boat whether we are married or not, have contact with the kids or exes or not, have stepkids resident for some, or all, or none of the time.

I think people who say opinions aren't valid if they don't come from some narrowly-defined description of stepparents are so so wrong. I don't think I've ever heard anyone in the "step" situation say this though - so hope you feel welcome here.

LineRunner · 04/04/2014 13:02

benid your definition is the impression I get from reading the so board, too. Very 'broad brush'.

NotActuallyAMum · 04/04/2014 13:21

Just wanted to wish you ladies all the best, I remember far too well the impossible early days, thankfully it's a long time ago now for me...

We all had a 'club' going at the time, I bet the threads are still on here somewhere, we called ourselves the Nutty Stepmums Club. One night we all logged in and got totally pissed

I honestly don't think DH and I would have survived without the help and support I had off this site, and I'm still in touch with a couple of the MNers I 'met' on here

alita7 · 04/04/2014 15:05

really angry... The kids have 20 days off and dsd 1 and 2s mum won't let us have them for more than the normal every other weekend. and DP can't do anything as they were born a year before unmarried fathers got parental responsibility.
Why do mothers have to do this, it's the kids that loose out, dsd 1 and 2 need more time with DP as me and DP have dsd 3 all the time and dps mum says they're a hit jealous and dsd 3 now doesn't live with any of her siblings except my soon to be bump (her mum has 2 little ones) so needs more time with them. plus she will be a bit bored just with us for so long, except the week she's seeing her mum. Urgh why do they need to win or upset their exs so badly without thinking of the children?

Malificentmaud · 04/04/2014 15:19

I've no idea Alita - Mine is with her Dad for half of the holidays - saves me money on childcare and taking annual leave trying to amuse an eight year old for two weeks in the pissing rain. Mental woman not taking advantage of your DP's offer to have them.

And all of that aside from the obvious point that the kids could be using the opportunity to have some quality time with Dad.

WinterLover · 04/04/2014 15:25

alita same here only here the allocated weekends. whats annoying more is that she works Thursday and Friday's 8-6 so why can't dsd come wed night to sun night but hey we're the unreasonable ones!!

Malificentmaud · 04/04/2014 15:29

Does make me laugh that for all of us moaning baout having them too much, there are the same number moaning baout not having htem enough

Sorry, not really funny. But if you don't laugh... you'll murder your step children cry

WinterLover · 04/04/2014 15:32

its true she drives me mad sometimes but once she's her she loves it. DS loves playing with his big sister. she loves playing with him.

I am dreading tomorrow though, she's had two weeks of her mum and step dad filing her head with crap about this baby. They may suprise me....maybe...I won't hold my breath!

Malificentmaud · 04/04/2014 15:36

I think the lower the expectations the better - you might get a nice surprise. And if not, there's always wine.

Petal02 · 04/04/2014 15:44

I agree with the comment about lowering expectations. Once I'd got my head round the fact that you "get through/survive/pass the time" during access weekends, rather than anything more normal or positive, I became less disappointed.

alita7 · 04/04/2014 16:00

the recent problem stems from dp trying to get her to talk rationally about where dsd 1 wants to live and the fact that we had the audacity to discuss it with dsd 1 (when she asked us about it) and apparently telling them both in that conversation that they can choose to live where they want and must not feel like they have to keep either parent happy is pressuring them.
since then every weekend one or both of them have spent some time away (this week it's a friends birthday dsd 2 is going to tomorrow night so it's not her mums fault) but they've had family things ans alsorts appear so they either have to come late or go back Saturday. Grr!

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 04/04/2014 17:03

Your dp can apply for PR alita and 99% get it even I he doesn't use a solicitor.
Courts are getting better that that.
Although they also gave it to exp who only really took me to court to cause an inconvenience and as a sort of power show. Ah well.

alita7 · 04/04/2014 20:02

he didn't realise that until about a year or two ago and was so wound up in sorting dsd 3 out he hasn't got round to it yet. Do you have to pay court fees? cos we're struggling a bit atm.

Queenofknickers · 04/04/2014 20:12

Thank goodness, somewhere to post without being flamed for existing! AIBU to be sad/hurt/pissed off that 19 yo DSD ignored Mother's Day? I've brought her up since she was 3 while her bio mum has had various dodgy relationships etc but bio mum is now married to posh man and respectable and I just want to scream "I'm the one who nit combed/ cuddled / etc" and there's photos of her and bio mum all over face book. I didn't even get a text.

Peacesword · 04/04/2014 21:27

Oh wow NotActuallyAMum good to see you - I remember the Nutty Stepmums Club and the night we all got hammered! I've name changed since then several times because things can be shared and quoted from here much more now and I'd rather not be so recognisable as I was back then. They were good times and a lovely supportive little bunch. I wonder how everyone fared. I've ended up leaving dsd's dad, but she's ended up with me! And I have a lovely new boyfriend, two more dsc and a couple of grand-dsc!!

Kaluki · 04/04/2014 23:27

Blimey I can't imagine leaving DP and keeping the dsc!!!

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 04/04/2014 23:57

I don't know tbh alita everything has changed since I was doing my litigant in person stuff

But it's definitely worth doing, means you get more of a say, as well as usual stuff like copy of school reports but in some cases only if you jolly the school along, I found them terrible, things may have improved.
Answers should be google-able as to court fees and what not or pop along to local court and ask, they will (or should anyway) also give you the forms you need

SmallOrangeGiraffe · 06/04/2014 13:08

Feeling annoyed!!!! SS13 can't do a single task we asked him to do without fcuking it up!! Just told my DH my annoyance, expecting him to have a word/set some sort of punishment, he instead asks for SS phone which he hands over - not giving a frig! He hasn't even asked why his phone has been confiscated - this happens almost every day, so its obvious taking his phone away makes no impact.

They're now downstairs all happy and jokey - meanwhile SS is non the wiser at my frustration that he acts like a complete fcukwit and gets away with it.

To make matters worse DH let SS stay up while we went to bed and he's been playing on the game console to god knows what time - so he is now walking round like a zombie - he can't even talk properly he's so tired - this happens quite a lot, I keep pointing out to DH that his kids a still children and need boundaries etc - but no too busy trying to be their friend!

Anyway, I don't expect a reply just needed to vent! Got a whole week of this too!

charliefoxtrot · 06/04/2014 14:47

I feel your pain Giraffe. My DSD casually announced over dinner the other night that she thought I was a bit of a bitch. I remained calm and asked her what I had done to make her think that and she replied that I'm not even aware that I'm a bitch. DH did nothing. I was so upset I couldn't even deal with her and spent the evening crying in my bedroom. I have been with her dad for 14 years and she's lived here for 4 years. Every single day is like a bloody nightmare. I am supposed to treat her like my own but she only treats me like a parent when she wants something. Grrrrrrr

minky73 · 06/04/2014 14:50

Thank god I've found people in same situation :-)
I though I was losing it, had a massive argument (as every 2 weeks) with husband over his 2 kids who stay ever other weekend. Last night I was on the edge and about to lose it.
been married for a year and half and really on the edge unable to cope with the step kids coming every other weekend.

bonnymiffy · 06/04/2014 15:13

Hi all, may I join in please? DSS came to live with us in September and the road is a hard one. DH and I have been together 5 years (married 4) DSS is 12, and we have 2 DDs aged 3 and 18m. Being SM is the hardest thing I've ever done, DSS can be lovely or completely horrible, probably due to hormones! I did get a Mother's Day card from him though, I realise this that makes me untypical on this forum! I feel like i could do with some support, so I'll be hanging around here now I've found you all.

alita7 · 06/04/2014 15:17

totally understand giraffe. I'm having a not too dissimilar problem with dsd. she lives with us and was lovely 90% of the time for ages. recently she's started being rude, argumentative and doesn't do as she told (whether because she gets distracted or we end up arguing because she doesn't want to) I think she's hormonal and having a bit of an independence hungry phase as she hates being told or asked to do anything. DP rarely remembers to ask her to do things so it's usually me. and while she is the same with both of us it annoys me that he won't have a chat about it with her. She used to be good as gold when dp was out now she will play up (like in really stupid ways like lying on the floor, unhurt and say she is stuck, when we're just about to go out and when I've asked are you hurt, why can't you get up and she's saying I just can't I'm stuck and it's been half an hour... and then she starts crying because I tell her to stop playing up...) and if I tell him about it he will say well that's what kids do and not do anything about it -.- so Yeh I see why you have a problem, I think soft parenting gets you no where, obviously not being mean is important, but she keeps misbehaving and talking back and he needs to nip it in the bud! and so does your DP, It should be do it again until it's done properly or no x box not no phone he obviously doesn't care about!

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 13 14