Support thread. For current step-parents.

[brdgrl]

If you're a current step-parent with children who live with you at least some of the time, and fancy offloading or a rant or have a question you want to ask others who are currently in your situation and you want to do it in a safe place, and you don't want to ask a non-step-parent then why not ask in here.
:)

I don't really refer to myself as stepmum in RL although I do consider myself one because I do all the things for the dsc that I do for my own dc so take on a motherly role. Being married makes no difference at all!
Also it's much easier to type out "DSC" than "my DP's DC" too

nfk some people just use it as an all encompassing term for people whose partners have kids, which for the purpose of forums like this is necessary so we all understand what each other mean, and it means no one offends any one else.

dsd 3 lives with us, she has a selfish mum who doesn't care about her, and I do all the mum things for her. I haven't known her since she was tiny but since she's lived with us I have been her mother figure, she needs a positive one, I feel step mum is the most apt title for me. I support her emotionally, cook and clean for her, do her school lunch and pe kit, take her to school and appointments with or without dp, do her hair, help with homework, play games and discipline when necessary etc just because she has a bio mum doesn't mean my role is any less important. she says things which point out she sees me as a mummy figure, only today we were playing a game where we were calling each other ogres after watching shrek. she said dp is the daddy ogre, I'm the mummy ogre ans she's the baby ogre :p so while she calls me 'alita' I would be upset if anyone said I didn't deserve to have a title of some sort like step mum just being daddies girlfriend implies something totally different.

I am assuming that 'step parenting' is just the name of this board and posters kind of flow with that terminology.

(I wouldn't myself, OH's DCs will always be just that and I will always be 'Liney' to them.)

How lovely - one thread where we could be "safe" and it becomes a thread to justify what we call ourselves. Ffs. You've been on these boards for ages nfk, you knew exactly what the responses would be to you questions.

maud that was my thoughts

And in any case, who cares!

I have a stepmother. I met her when my dad introduced her when I was 18. I haven't spoken to her for about 8 years. I despise her, she can't stand me or my sister, apparently because we're female and she doesn't get on with females It's just a name for a wife/partner of someone who has children just as "mum" is just a name for a woman who has a child. The relationship is the bit that has meaning and that can only be done on an individual basis.

Absolutely correct, tether. Just annoys me that for a step parent it all goes without saying and it was nice to have a thread where we could all just nod along rather than endless messages of trying to diplomatically answer pointless goady questioning.

They have such a thread over on lone parents too which has been respected and left well alone.

I would just like to be to come to the sp board to read (and occasionally contribute to) threads about what it is like being with a partner who has DCs from a previous relationship.

It is all new territory for me (and for my OH) and the terminology pales into insignificance compared to the challenge.

I'm very grateful to have the resource of the sp board, btw.

Me too linerunner. I appreciate the different points of view that pop up here on the board but it's nice to have just one thread where we can moan and groan and people know exactly where we're coming from

It's necessary I think. Nobody goes around considering the full impact our actions on everybody we meet all the time. I do have empathy and sympathy for exW in our situation and she also makes our life hell (helped along by her useless solicitor). Only a saint would manage what I (and other SMs) have to put up with without needing to rant every now and again day.

It's mature to consider the impact on others but sometimes we just need someone to hear our POV without minimising, justifying or invalidating what's happening for us as step parents.

Fwiw I have a stepmother who I never would call my stepmother to other people or within our family -- I only use it at work / with new acquaintances for ease. It's totally flexible. Agree board is really about what it's like being married / with a parter with previous DCs.

I find a hard part is when the dscs mums say or do really out of order things and you have to find a way to set the record straight or explain without slagging off the ex as it's bad for the kids. like trying to explain to them that they couldn't stay any extra with us because their mum said no not because we don't want them is hard. And someone else said about the mum telling the kids that the new baby wasn't their sibling, well you then have to say actually this is your baby brother or sister with out accusing the mother of being a liar even though that's what she is! its hard!

The hard thing I think is when the child grows up and voices to you all the opinions that you have had on their mother and have never voiced yourself... you can't agree. But you don't want to minimise their feelings.

The best one I've had this week is "I mean, why doesn't my Mum realise that you can't just marry someone for their money then act surprised when you're unhappy?"

Maud really - do the kids come to doubt their own mum? Can't imagine it atm here.

Croquet, it does happen!!! Had you told me a few years back that DSD would have anything bad to say about the woman she put on a pedestal and who could do no wrong, I'd have told you that you were mad. But it's all coming out now!

some of it's so brutal I even start to feel sorry for ex!

wow! The sacred statue toppled!
Secretly looking forward to that.

It's a strange one. Without wanting to be too serious, I do find it sad that she has seen her mother for what she really is. No child should have to deal with the fact their mother is a self serving bitch.

But when I think back to the conversations and rows about how her Mum and step dad were wonderful and perfect human beings but her dad was a worthless piece of shit and I was a child who DH was disgusting to be with (I was late 20s then but he was 16 years older). She didn't need us, and hated everything we stood for.... well, yes... it is satisfying

The best bit... despite ex running DH down in to the ground in front of DSD, neither of us ever said a word against her. So the fact that DSD has drawn her own conclusions makes it all the sweeter

Gosh, it is a difficult journey isn't it! Well done anyway - sounds like you've behaved very well and also like your DSD is nearly grown up. Nice one!

it is satisfying when they say even tiny things that show they can see it or that they appreciate your role as someone less difficult for them than their mother. I just feel that while I don't want the kids to have to deal with disliking or hating their mum, I like that they are able to see that actually dp and I aren't terrible regardless of what they are told or is implied.

The only thing I've had from dss is that my cooking is the best he's ever had.
I'll take that

I've had that from dsd too :D when dp was meant to be cooking and taking too long, she was like why can't you cook you're the best cook ever :p

Dss' fave line is to tell me I've failed because I've cooked another nice dinner. He's got quite adventurous now, the other night we had pork and ginger stir fry that was wolfed down

Quick rant!!!!! Sick of DH getting defensive over every little thing I ask sc to do. Like ask them to make their beds!!! At 7 &13 it's not a big ask.