Support thread. For current step-parents.

[brdgrl]

If you're a current step-parent with children who live with you at least some of the time, and fancy offloading or a rant or have a question you want to ask others who are currently in your situation and you want to do it in a safe place, and you don't want to ask a non-step-parent then why not ask in here.
:)

Space is a nightmare. We made the conscious decision not to have any more, partly because of my crazy arsehole xh, and partly because physically there is nowhere to put another child! Ds and dss share, the dds share, and dsd has always had the unofficial loft conversion (3 bed Victorian cottage). One day, when dsd is all settled there will be carnage over which child will have her room. Dss has always assumed it will be his, but he is only here part time, and I suspect given he's picked the secondary nearer his mum's and is already under pressure, that he will spend a greater percentage of time there. If that happens, I can see dp running around to facilitate his clubs, scouts and so on because dss' mum won't. Dp reckons he won't but...

Dss has mega attitude. I think it's the classic big fish little pond that all y6 kids get. What is interesting is that I'm sort of accustomed to his crap, whereas dp's not seen much of it, and it's dp who's constantly bollocking him atm!

It's just me and my 3 today, dp and dss are at a football tournament. It fosters the them and me attitude that dss has, but it's a battle not worth fighting. Instead we are going to go shopping for fathers day presents (shed load of sweets knowing my kids!) And we might do ice creams too. Nice simple fun.

Will be thinking of you switching bedrooms over. Hope it isn't too traumatic

just thought I'd update, DSD2 quickly went back to being happy about the baby. I'm sure she's just repeating what someone's said to her. If it happens again I'll get DP to have a word with his ex as it's not on.

We're going to get a 3 bedroom asap after baby comes but I don't know what to do about bedrooms, dsd 3 lives with us so will have 1 room. obviously well have 1 room with the baby in with us for 6- 12 months but some baby stuff will go in the 3rd room. So do we give dsd 1 and 2 the 3rd room only to have to kick them out as soon as the baby is old enough to have that room, or do we carry on as we are in a 2 bed and they share with dsd 3 the 2 nights out of 14 they are here (somehow this seems unfair to me). Or do we put bunk beds or a futon in the babies room and dsd 3 has a pull out bed under hers so they could choose which room to sleep in (obviously when baby moves they won't want to sleep in with it unless it sleeps well by then, although it might be able to come in with us for those nights.) although then they won't have a specific room....
A 4 bed is just impossible atm.

Nerdy, I expect so. Kids are like sponges and repeat opinions. We went through a phase of this with Dss, and he only began to think when I called him on a couple of his opinions. One was when he said men can't be nurses- called in an age appropiate way, but encouraging him to think about what he was saying so that he understood what he was repeating and was prepared to support what he said. Besides, babies are sweet, when they're not screaming or poo-ey, and what child doesn't like basking in the reflected glory of a baby sibling?

Alita, sounds a nightmare. How old are your dsc again? Sorry, my memory is crap. I guess some of it depends on the ages. Once baby reaches toddler hood life becomes even more challenging. Are you in a position to present the two choices with a which would you prefer? Potentially, would one or the other of the rooms be able to support a small cupboard for each non-res dsd to keep stuff safely in?

We've been reading the draft statement from court regarding my 3. The idiot (XH) wants overnights, and expects us to drive 20 miles to collect the dc. The overnight is now subject to SS rubberstamping, as I am against, xh is an abusive alcoholic, and has now got a new girlfriend who has a rather recent conviction for fraud- mitigating circumstances is an abusive xh! But getting back to my point, dp thinks, and I agree, that the xh is out of order in this, given that he is £700 in arrears, and has only made 5 or 6 maintenance payments this year, while we are struggling, and failing to break even month after month. Actually, the only reasonable solution would be fore him to fuck off and die! It's another thread really, but I've finally been able to report a particularly nasty attack from 6 years ago to the police, and there's another report I have to do regarding a disclosure made during that process. That will unleash the xh's wrath. Sorry, way too much info! time for

Ready, regardless of the rest of the situation, unless you decided to move far away, then he should be sorting transport to collect them and even if you did move he should do at least 50% of the travelling.

Dsd 1 and 2 are 11 year old twins. Dsd 3 is 10. They will be 12 and 11 when baby is born.
Dsd 1 and 2 are used to sharing as they do at their mums (though share with step siblings as their mum split them and put them with different step siblings for 'integration'). And dsd 3 likes having them share her room as it's like a sleep over. I don't think they would express unhappiness with any situation except perhaps being relegated to the sofa :p, they're very amicable and easy going. But I still want to make sure they don't feel pushed out or anything and I want to pick the right option for everyone!

I had to move 20 miles away to a refuge. Made my life here, and can't go back to the town I grew up in, and have friends in because that-bastard lives there. I guess it'll all sort in the end. Bottom line, we can't afford any more.

I think in your shoes I'd sit them down and give them the options. Ten they feel involved and so on, and that's what counts when you're that age, to feel included, and to have a voice. I think, if we were in your shoes, I'd probably keep the older 3 together, because they'll be 14/15 when baby is 3, and what self respecting teen wants to share with a toddler- and oh my the carnage if the toddler got hold of make up, spray and so on! Bunk bed with a trundle underneath? Or bunk bed with a double on the bottom? I've noticed with my tribe a lot of bonding happens in the hours 'play time' between milk and lights out, when they're upstairs and supposed to be winding down. Bonding - and the occasional crash as stuff/ds falls off dss' bed in whatever game they're playing! Boys!

alita - i second Ready's option of letting them decide. how big are the rooms? Can you get 3 beds in one room if they decide they all want to share?

We moved to a 3 bed, admittedly we could have got a 4 bed but only in really nasty areas so we decided against them. Dss (10) has the 'box' room but it is 2.5m sq so a good size. He has a high sleeper, desk and drawers in there and there is still loads of space to play. He has a bean bag etc under his bed and is currently working out how many of his friends he can squeeze into his room for his birthday sleepover! Dsd (8) shares the big room with the baby. The compromise on this was that as dd is too young to give a crap how its decorated DSD gets to pick now, however, once dd is old enough it will be her choice as she lives here all the time. Both dsc's seemed really happy with the arrangement. In fact if things continue the way they are at their mum's i wouldn't be surprised if dss moves in here. Him and dsd share a room at mum and her bf's house - he has a 10 year old daughter who could share with dsd but he refused to move her and insisted that dsc's share. I can to an extent see his point, however at nearly 11 he is certainly starting to develop and hit puberty. he starts secondary school in september and as much as i love him he is the geeky weird kid so is likely to be bullied and i hate the idea that he will get it worse once the kids find out the living arrangements. grrrr

ready - can you state on email that as he sees fit not to pay maintenance there is no spare money to pay the travel costs so he either does the transport of the kids for contact or he doesn't see them? And make sure you get travel written into your court orders so that he cannot lord it over you!!!

That's really crap, wtl. Poor boy, he's going to find that hard. Can't believe some parents, and yet we all know they exist. I think the move is hypothetical for Alita, but likely to happen.

The xh took me to court, and on paper, he appears all reasonable. Had to choke down a snigger when he told the judge I brainwashed the kids. The judge has had to close the case, it's reached stalemate, and xh got it in just before the public funding changes. That means the travel stuff is in the order, BUT, the buck has been passed to Social Services to sort out an arrangement that is suitable and safeguards the kids- best safeguard is no contact, but he's a typical abuser, and kept all the abuse for when it was just me and him. So o'nights won't happen unless SS are happy. The judge is hoping we can sit in a room and rebuild trust- ha ha bloody ha, how can you when every time he opens his mouth it's a pack of lies? Even under oath! How can you trust the man who beat you? Dp plans to put his foot down, order or no order, we're in debt by the end of each month, xh pays sod all, and the money just isn't there. Judge has lifted the driving restrictions so xh will be able to drive the kids, because he's holding down a coach driver job. He's a fucking alcoholic! The company he's driving for are aware, they've called the police on him! I have to sit on my hands to not breathalyse the coach driver when my dc go on school trips.

Must go to bed... I have a sunday school to plan... catch up tomorrow

Ah so ready you were moving to get away from his abuse? Then he should do the travelling. He should not be allowed to drive the kids and I agree he should have contact during the day.

We were going to bring the bunk bed with a double on the bottom from dps parents house when we moved here. But dsd was adamant she wanted a 'normal' bed and had just moved to us after being abused so we wanted it to be perfect for her and it has got a little pull out. Plus contact weekends we go and stay with his parents on the Saturday so if we'd done that they wouldn't have a bed there. plus dsd has medical stuff at night so her being on a top bunk during the week would make things very difficult and the bottom is a sofa unless pulled out.
Will ask them what they want but I bet they will say they don't mind! (we are extremely lucky compared to those with kids demanding bedrooms!)
Fingers crossed we move soon, got to get out of here before baby comes as I cannot take baby here its got a damp and mould problem as there is no damp course. Mould even comes up through the carpet!

A few years ago we had a damp and mould problem when we rented a property. The landlord refused to get the place regularly gas safety checked too. This resulted in it being condemned. It was a nightmare! We were travelling miles to our parents on a day to day basis just to bath ourselves and the children. Thankfully environmental health stepped in.

Also have a landlord whose saying it's our fault. The place was not built for people to live there we are the first residents (enticed by all the new renovations), we thought they'd done a thorough conversion but obviously not. We subsequently noticed there is no damp course, only a coat of bitchmen paint along half of one wall. He gave as a leaflet on how to minimise condensation which is clearly not problem?! It said to keep central heating on and have good insulation... There is very little insulation and storage heaters which make no difference. It says to keep windows open for ventilation which was very hard in the winter with a freezing house and a child to keep warm. It's a load of bollocks. But we're reluctant to call environment health as we've been told that if the building is declared unlivable or if the landlord decides to evict us ( apparently common when they hear about environmental health) then we'd be stuck with emergency accommodation and have no where to put our stuff and could be miles from dsds school with no car :/

Your landlord sounds about as much as a shit as ours was. In all fairness environmental health weren't too bad. We were moved quite soon after they became involved (I was also pregnant with DC3). You must feel so stressed with it all. I was at the end of my tether with it.

Have you been to CAB to see if they can help in any way? They were also a big help with us alongside environmental health.

We've been meaning to sort a trip to cab. We're going to see someone at the council on Monday about that scheme where they organise visits places for you with dgs. We were wanting to stay private but it's so expensive here and can't afford the agencies fees to move.

Sounds a nightmare, and your landlord a crook! I've been in the emergency accommodation here, and it was quite nice for emergency accommodation. Moved there from the refuge. I appreciate that many places do not have purpose built places like that though. We have a damp problem, due to very old house, and render needing re-doing. Think part of the problem is due to dp moving the downpipe from the roof to a waterbutt because the grumpy neighbour didn't like the downpipe going down the side passage. Of course the water butt can't cope! That was all long before I met dp, so now it all needs putting straight but there is no money.... ho hum.

Ok, so a triple bunk wouldn't work- another bunk bed alongside dsd's bed? Or even another single with pull out, you could stick cushions on to make it a day bed. Or even go whole hog and a sofa bed or futon? We were given a lovely sofa bed that has a metal frame and 4 inch thick mattress- it's very comfy. Makes it a space for entertaining friends, and also space for social sleepovers.

Change can be positive, although I remember the knackered brain dead-ness of pregnancy, the thought of change is scary. My sympathy

Well we've already got the pull out under dsds bed but obviously there's 2 of them. Atm they top and tail. Anyway it is a bit silly deciding what to do when we move when we don't even know how big the rooms will be! Even so am still thinking about it.

I think my main issue with emergency accomodation is that we haven't got any where to put our things (both my parents and dps are massive holders so no space!!!!) and we've been told we could be placed as far as a town that's the other side of the county if there's nothing available in our city... and dsds school is far enough away as it is due to complicated circumstances. It feels like a huge risk, when we have no car.

Talk to CAB? I remember reading somewhere that the council has to help you store your furniture in cases of eviction. Might be wrong though. And there's transport, they have a duty to the kids. Above all, they will tell scare stories to put you off taking that step. But on the flip side, I hear you, and the unknown is scary. Think it's human nature to plan in advance, I do it often, quite often around possible scenarios that never come about!

Dss' mum has totally backed off from him. She texted dp last night and asked him to remind dss to walk to trampolining (about a mile). Dp replied that dss had strained a muscle in his back, and may not be doing tramps. She then said she needed to know, because if he isn't doing tramps he needed to catch the 2 buses on his own back to hers. Comes across to me as her job being more important, but let's face it, it is. Poor kid. I object to being told to give him £2.50 bus fare, money I'll never see again, because she doesn't want to pick him up. That money was in my purse because I'm off on a rare afternoon to meet a friend, I can't afford to pull more out of the bank. (and I know the usual retort on these boards is that it should come from dp, but we are a unit, dp only had pennies, and has even less in his account atm than I do!)

Bloody washing machine is playing up, we've just swapped my one (not spinning) for dp's from the outhouse. Dp's one has a hissy fit at the transition between parts of the cycle. It's taking forever to run a single load! Can't afford to get either fixed, and need to get a new light cluster for the car after dp had an argument with the church. These things come in 3's- what will be next.

Happy Monday everyone

How horrible to make him walk so far with an injured back!

We went back into the council today and have been referred to environmental health so fingers crossed things will get moving!

What can I say. Different people parent differently

I will keep my fingers crossed for positive progress for you

Good luck Alita - our environmental health were quite quick and we were moved within a matter of weeks and we're still at the place they moved us too!

Ready is also right about storage. The council by us has huge lockers that store your belongings if you do end up going in to emergency housing. Although I am aware that that isn't the case with every council.

But if you have really bad mould and damp etc then you should definitely be high up on their priority housing as it can be damaging to health.

Getting interesting here. Ds had a on going strop yesterday, only really came out of it half 7, once dp was home. That's sort of relevant.

Last night dss and ds were mucking about after lights out, which is normal, first night after 2/5 nights at his mums. dp told them to quieten, and added that if dss continued mucking about he'd not be able to watch the match tonight.

Turns out this morning that both boys sneaked their mobiles upstairs, and after dp told them to calm dss was texting ds silly messages. Mobiles are a red flag for me, both were bought by the respective non-resident parent. ds because my xh was hoping he could have direct telephone contact, total fail because xh then used all the credit and ds is supposed to return it to the kitchen cupboard after contact eo saturday. Dss is y6, so I sort of get why his mum bought one.... but our rules state no phones in bedroom , and if an adult asks to see, you hand it over. My issue is the mobile rule being broken, it is there for a jolly good reason, and can be relaxed as they get older and mature, but is essential in my eyes.

Ds has handed his over, and will be bollocked. Dss got shirty with me, and refused to turn it on (his mum set up a pin to unlock it). My suggestion to dp is that he doesn't have it at all while here for a couple of weeks.

Both boys were told that the priviliges they get as they get older are based on trust, have to be earned, and can be lost if they break that trust.

Dp's immediate suggestion was to move dss into dsd's room in the loft. Ithink that will be rewarding dss for his recent behaviour, because dss' expectation is that in time that room will be his. Plus my 3 will be seriously pissed off- they too will perceive it as reward. I also think we just need to grit our teeth, this is a short if tiresome phase and remember that come sept dss will change again. more discussion will be had I expect. Could be a very interesting conversation, but I'd appreciate perspective from those with older dsc's, esp if there's the closeness in age- dss is 11, ds 10.

It's always hard when the other parent does things you don't want, In our case allowing the dsds to have fb at 11.
I hope you manage to resolve the phone issue, I agree no phones in bed, especially on a school night!

Just to let you all know we found out today that we are expecting a healthy baby boy :D

That's fab news, congrats

I work on the basis her house, her rules. My house, my rules. Rules can be adapted if needs be. but just because you can there does not mean you can here!

Fb at 11. Not bloody likely, but I expect his mum will. What planet are they on?

Hi, please help I'm at the end of my teather. I've a 17 year old ds and have been with her dad for 14 years. In all that time ds and my relationship has gone downhill and has finally hit rock bottom. She does all the usual ds behaviours, ignores me, sits in her bedroom if hubby s out and it's me in the house, acts as if I'm a piece of sh1t or not there, tries to break me and her dad up, won't stay in the same room as me, phoned me snd shouted at me because I had an argument with her dad because the two of them left our daughters 4th birthday party because no one said hello to her - she arrived 5 mins before the party started and we were still setting up but were expected to drop everything and fuss over her. My husband has NEVER pulled her up on her behaviour/attitude towards me. I've been up to her mums house last summer and had it out with her and her mum over her behaviour to no avail. I've done everything to try and include her, told her repeatedly she was welcome to have friends over, let us know if she wanted to do anything during school holidays etc etc. she's not stayed over since our daughter was born and she turned up a few hours early, husband was in bed as on nights so I said to her daddy's in bed, I'm up to eyes in newborn and 22 month old you might as well go home (she would have just sat in her bedroom until he got up, no interaction with me or kids and I was too tired to deal with it). Now she only comes round to kill time, she's moved to next town but still works here. Her mum is cleaner at my kids school so she gets dropped off at school then comes to ours until it's time for work n expects a lift. Never comes over any other time. Even now she won't say anything to me or stay in same room. When I've spoken to my husband about it he's just said "she doesn't know what to say she doesn't know how you are feeling or understand your illness, I don't so why should she?" (I've got anklyosing spondylitis, inflammatory arthritis of spine), so that is now her perfect excuse not to talk to me. My husband and I have 2 children, ds 6, dd 4. She doesn't interact as much with dd - jealousy but will try n act as if she's ds's mum. Last night when she was here she made herself a loom bracelet from kids bits with no thank you, even ds noticed and said something. I said to husband when he got back from taking her to work " next time you speak to x can you ask her to say thank you to ds for the loom bands as she didn't and he noticed" husbands reply? " she made iit herself and she was in a rush"!!! I couldn't believe it,she had plenty if time to stand around waiting for them to come and give her a kiss and cuddle goodbye as demanded by my husband and had at least five minutes before leaving after finishing to say thank you. I told him that it was the kids loom bands and if roles were reversed he would have come down on ds like a ton of bricks, shouting at him and telling him to thank her. It's such double standards with him. After this he hasn't spoken to me since. I'm livid with him, I'm used to her treating me like shit, she's made it perfectly clear she doesn't want me around and doesn't include me in anything - don't even get Christmas card from her. But I will not have her treating my two like it. I'm at the stage where I don't want her in the house, I feel too uncomfortable as daren't say anything to anyone as she takes it the wrong way and goes home crying to her mum and it all kicks off, even if the conversation was between me and husband and she wasn't involved. I don't the need stress in my life, I have enough in my plate. I've tried everything, husband never backs me up and thinks the sun shines out of her backside and she can do no wrong. I've put up with it for years but I've reached my limits now she's acting like it towards our children. Advice please! Sorry for the rant. Been dwelling on it all day and have nowhere to turn.

Hello

Think your problem is a Disney dad. I've got to go out, but I didn't want to leave your post unacknowledged. I expect one of the others will be along soon to explain- and offer suggestions! Sadly your dsd is the product of her upbringing, and if she's been allowed to behave badly when younger then of course she will continue.

Hi, Disney dad?!