Support thread. For current step-parents.

[brdgrl]

If you're a current step-parent with children who live with you at least some of the time, and fancy offloading or a rant or have a question you want to ask others who are currently in your situation and you want to do it in a safe place, and you don't want to ask a non-step-parent then why not ask in here.
:)

Well Dss is such a ray of sunshine today- we're all at risk of sunburn!

Grumpy little toad with attitude. Last weekend was hard- for a change it was dp reaching the end of his tether with dss' attitude. Tonight he's on his final warning and then bed.

At the mo he's playing hunt the scout woggle. Because each week when he takes his necker off he puts the woggle in the box with the rather expensive hat so it's safe and he knows where it is.... You got it, the woggle isn't there and apparently I've moved it FFS, he's been doing scout stuff for 5 years, and we have always had the rule of woggle in pants drawer (and now hat box) to prevent this situation. 5 years!!!! The total refusal to take responsibility for his stuff/mess/actions infuriates me. For example it was all my fault he didn't take his trampolining kit Monday because I should have reminded him....

Time for another chamomile me thinks. How is everyone else?

Ohh my dss is like that with his scout uniform! Like I want to spend any more time in his stinky pre teen bedroom than I have to!!!

Is he excessively babied by his parents?

Dss's Dm treats him like a 5 yo (he is 11 in 2 months) and still picks him out clothes to wear so it's not entirely his fault

Parks self in thread. DSD's mum is the complete opposite of your DSS'S mum where, she treats DSD like a fully grown adult with the way she speaks about her relationship problems. DH's had to have several words about some of the things she's come out with because of it.

They don't get it, do they! I refused to search, we initiated the one place for it to live to avoid just that situation. I didn't let dp know (dp was helping at beavers with dd2) and so lent dss his woggle. I was a bit cross, but dp wasn't to know. Don't want to be constantly complaining about what a plonker/PITA dss is!

On the whole dp doesn't really treat him any different to my 3, the similarities in parenting style is one of the reasons why we work so well. Dss' mum, on the other hand was overly reliant emotionally on dss while she was single, not telling him adult stuff, but he was fulfilling the place of a dp to her emotionally. Now she has a husband he is left to his devices, so half term spent 6 hours on his tablet on the Tuesday even he couldn't believe his luck when he told dp!) I suspect she does baby him a bit though. She's not really a maternal mum- he's more a human equivalent of a designer handbag! She is also unable to take responsibility for anything- actions/ words, etc. it's never her fault, and clothes never go missing at hers

Grump over... I have as I have finished revising for the evening :)

ohhh kids as accessories - i think our our dp's exes could be related! dp and ex had kids because she wanted them because "it's what normally people do" and she has the biggest obsession ever over appearing "normal" to everyone. No idea what "normal" is, but judging by her antics it is having an affair at the school gates and flaunting it...

DSS is told to leave it on his necker and put it in his bottom drawer with all his other uniform (scouts, school etc) and low and behold it goes missing every week and he gets really pissy as they lose points for not being in full uniform. It is always my fault and he took to refusing to go, unfortunately it runs straight after dsd's brownies so he gets kicked out the car and left there (evil sm)

Can I hop on the thread? Bdgrl - thanks for starting this - its definately needed as a place for a rant without being called wicked. I've put a few posts on. I have 3 sk full time plus 1 ds.

Waves hello ;)

Love the description of kicking him out after brownies! That's so cruel, how could you! Hee hee ;) I think they have a similar system here, they do for beavers and cubs.

Nice quiet evening here. Dss out at trampolining, ds in bed with shock- he had a blood sample taken this morning, and watched her! Daft boy, I'd taken where's wally to distract him, but he would keep peeking. Dds can have a bit of TV after tea then bed.

Then more revision. Joy.

Chuckled at the obsession with appearing normal. That's quite funny. Not quite my idea of normal! That's rather desperate behaviour. Dss' mum defines her identity through her job. Mum is definitely not her primary role- unless she has an audience. Then she's mother of the year

Mo wonder Dss behaves how he does sometimes. It's really interesting stepping back and identifying the nature and nurture elements.

Sorry this is totally not strictly step related but as some of you ladies have been massively helpful and supportive i thought i would brazenly brag that dd (9.5 months) took her first steps this evening!!!!!!

Sooooooooo unbelievably proud and excited!!!

And here comes the step link....is it really evil of me to be amazingly glad that the dsc's weren't here for it?? I love them dearly and they absolutely dote on dd, but i am so glad that it was just DP and I. It feels like everything is always about the dsc's and tonight has been completely about the 3 of us as a family without them involved and it felt so lovely!

Wheresthelight, how lovely! Ds is 16 but I still cherish those special early moments.
I too am fond of my dsc, but at the end of the day they are someone else's kids and unless circumstances "make" them yours (adoption, etc) the parent child bond won't happen.
I do find it interesting about myself and others with similar posts through the years that while we often feel like outsiders in our homes when dsc are around, they no doubt get the same feeling around us.
I'm flexible by nature and v much used to kids (teacher!) and have over a years worth of couple counseling to fall back on, but the fact remains, my dsc can't really relax in our home (loads of bragging, any subject really) and that puts me on edge. Vicious circle really. I've taken up gardening in a big way and that gets me out of the house and I can immerse myself in something positive and and consciously bring good vibes into the home.
Once I feel so relaxed I also notice I'm more "honest" to dsc, too, no walking on eggshells, "putting them first" etc... Its a quiet confidence I suppose and very rewarding all round. I wish dh would follow my example, but at least he's trying not to Disney parent any more, that's something, too.

Thanks anormal

The dsc's certainly don't feel on edge here, they quite happily treat it like home which I love and me like a slave (don't love so much) but I definitely feel like I am an outsider and uncomfortable when they are here, especially when they play up. I end up taking dd out the way so they get time with their dad but that will have to stop once she is old enough to understand or she will also feel unwelcome and I don't want that for her

Where, that is lovely news!!

Thanks hobin

Wow, she's a fast learner, Wheresthelight! My lo has just started walking this week too; she's over 1. It's amazing :)

I totally understand why you were happy it was just the three of you there to share the moment. My step teens came for baby's first Xmas morning and excitedly took over everything. One had her sat on their knee while the other opened all baby's presents before I'd even got chance to see who they were from. I got sidelined and it still upsets me that I feel like I missed out on my baby's first Xmas. It's sometimes very hard to have to share your 'firsts' with anyone other than your partner.

Wow, she's a fast learner, Wheresthelight! My lo has just started walking this week too; she's over 1. It's amazing :)

I totally understand why you were happy it was just the three of you there to share the moment. My step teens came for baby's first Xmas morning and excitedly took over everything. One had her sat on their knee while the other opened all baby's presents before I'd even got chance to see who they were from. I got sidelined and it still upsets me that I feel like I missed out on my baby's first Xmas. It's sometimes very hard to have to share your 'firsts' with anyone other than your partner.

Awesome on your local walking country and o am so sorry about Christmas!! However Christmas can be whenever you say it is so maybe make a bit of a "family" celebration with her to make up for it?

Just posting a little vent here as this doesn't warrant a whole thread.

DSDs live with DP and me full time. I am about to have a baby (my first). DSD2 (6) came back from a weekend at her mum's and announced that DP and I aren't a real family and that the baby I'm having is nothing to her. Now, considering that up to that point DSD2 has been really excited about the baby, cuddling my bump and talking about it a lot it's a bit of a change.
I can only imagine she's repeating what her mum or other family members have said about the baby, which is horrible. We make such an effort never to say anything negative about their mum, and here she is talking about MY baby! GRRRR.

Oh Nerdy, I know how you feel. DSD lives with us too and was confused about family dynamics. Aged 7 she came home and informed us she only had half sisters and then swiftly asked where the other half of her sisters were. Turned out Mum had told her that her siblings aren't real siblings but only partly related.

Mum went on to have her second child (who also lives with his dad) and hasn't mentioned being "half" since.

It does hit a nerve, I agree. I went through emotions of what right does she have to speak about my children. And although Mum was politically correct about the term - her whole purpose was so it would get back to us and confuse DSD.

We just explained in an age appropriate way about different family dynamics and how they work.

Grr just typed out a massive reply and pressed the wrong button on my phone and lost it.

Where thats amazing news, and don't feel bad for wanting some things to be just be the 3 of you.

Nerdy, what a bitch! She is just going to confuse your dsd and potentially make her feel insecure in her place in your family, she needs to feel ultra included with a baby coming so she doesn't feel left out.
I would tell her mummy is confused (or some other infuriating child friendly version of lying) and that she is very much part of the family, that you love her very very much, and that the new baby chose your family because of what an amazing big sister they would have.

im 18 + 5 and part of me is waiting for dsds mum to say something similar as she lives with us, especially when she tells her that she is pregnant too (no idea how fair she is but she hasn't told dsd and it would be just like her to say this is going to be your real sibling or something like that) but luckily if anything has been said so far dsd has totally ignored it!

Hello. Bedroom ructions about to erupt here tomorrow. DSD (11) has been exceedingly arsey about having DS's (10 months) things in her room. His is too small to have anything other than his cot/change unit etc in. To the point of regularly just tipping his ball pit, balls-and-all into her wardrobe. DH had spoken to her several times, and I tried too - but she is completely unrepentant and doesn't see why she has to share her space.
We live in a tiny house, and I'm not keeping DS's toys packed away just so her room can be kept sacred for eow visits. So - as threatened previously if she didn't stop being so selfish, we're swapping rooms. She is moving into the small room - which she can have all to herself, and DS is moving into the big room.

She's going to kick off majorly about it. But I don't see any other solution. This is DS's home all-the-time, and I'm not prepared for him to miss out just to indulge her selfishness. Kids have siblings, they need to learn to share - and basically she just needs to suck it up and deal with it. To quote TFIOS - the world is not a wish granting factory.

thanks guys, good to know people understand! She is just being petty I think. DSDs' mum moved on to someone new and had a baby quite quickly so using her logic that child doesn't mean anything to DSD2 either!
I think she's mainly pissed off that she didn't 'win' and that the children are ok living with us. She doesn't generally interfere or make trouble but she should know better than to say nasty things about a new sibling.

Thanks alita!!

Nerdy the ex is s bitch!!! Hope dsd is ok!

Kitchen - you are doing tge right thing!!! Hope the next contact goes ok

Kitchen I agree, unfortunately, the child who lives there all the time SHOULD get the bigger room, they have all their stuff their, and uses it the most. She does have 2 rooms to split her stuff between and only sleeps at yours 2 out of 14 nights.
He might only be little atm but it's easier to get it sorted earlier on before she can actively take it out on him.

Remind her she's very lucky to have a room at all. Dsd 3 lives with us, and has the second bedroom and when the other 2 dsds visit they sleep on a pull out single bed on the floor because there's only room for 1 bed on the floor so they have to squish up. It's not ideal but we can't fit our bed and wardrobe In her room so can't swap rooms and can't afford a 3 bed atm.
We will do soon as we're having a baby but not sure how we will organise rooms then.

Nerdy, Parents who say things like that to their kids are only hurting the kids, they may think they're hurting you but they're not and it's so sad for the child!

Thanks, I know I'm right. But I feel terrible, because I know she's going to feel as though we're playing favourites, and I'm just trying to be fair. Plus her mum will encourage her to feel vicitimised by this, being one of those who believe that their XH's should have no priorities other than their existing children.

She's (DSD) been led to believe that private schools, expensive extra curricular activities are a right - rather than an optional 'nice-to-have-if-you-can-afford-it'. Her answer, to our repeated explanations about all needing to share space in a small house, is that we need to buy a new house. And if we can't afford a bigger house, then we shouldn't have had a baby in the first place.

So...Who know's how it's going to go. We've got a midweek contact tonight with an overnight, so we'll tell her about it today - but won't make the bedroom swapover until she's next here for the weekend. I've tried to reason with her over this, but she's not seeing anybody's viewpoint other than her own - which is a shame, because we probably could have shared the spaces for a few years longer if she'd been more amenable to having DS's toys around in her room.

Bedrooms are hard. I never had to share but I imagine its harder for some children than others. DSDs currently share a room, and baby will go in the spare room when its older. But DSD1 is going to need her own room in 2-3 years and we both think she should have one. Not quite sure how we'll manage it but I think she'd be glad of her own space even if it is tiny.

good luck kitch

hi all, fell off the planet a bit sorry things got busy how is everyone? I've been thinking about rooms too, there is just not enough space in this house for us any more, but since we are struggling to afford this I don't see how we can go anywhere bigger so we make do for now. it's something that's becoming a bigger problem though