Support thread. For current step-parents.

[brdgrl]

If you're a current step-parent with children who live with you at least some of the time, and fancy offloading or a rant or have a question you want to ask others who are currently in your situation and you want to do it in a safe place, and you don't want to ask a non-step-parent then why not ask in here.
:)

*aren't sure

Can you put them on your restricted list so they can only see what's public? Or make a custom "adult only" list for things you don't want them having access to?

My dsc's haven't discovered facebook yet but I am not sure I would want them to see stuff on my profile either tbh!!

Sorry everyone, it changed my name without me telling it to by the looks of things- I never changed it to alex7149, which is a username for something else, unless my baby brain put the wrong thing in or something???

Oh dear. Anyway anything by alex7149 was me alita :)

where I have thought of that, looks confusing though- I can't change who can see what I posted in the past which is awkward. Also the public can see nothing except profile pic on my page so they would know they were restricted and that wouldn't be nice for them.

You can do something to limit past posts in the privacy settings but not sure how indepth it goes.

My profile is the same as I do a lot of work with kids so it's locked down tight. Not sure how I will manage it when they get their own pages

Alita - sometimes they stroke the one that needs it. The one they know will love them unconditionally and without the stroking they ignore. They are probably secure of your DH's love without having to display it in such a public way

that's a good point maud ill try and explain it that way to dp. Their mum does try and manipulate dsd 1 a bit sometimes in terms of affection, not sure about dsd 2.

when dsd 1 said she wanted to live with us, apparently she was all like you can't do that I'd be devastated to loose you, you'd break my heart etc, saying she'd rather she didn't, loves her and would really miss her would be fine but that seems a bit much for an 11 year old.

Alex, you can put them on your restricted list, they will only see what you make public then

Sorry, only just saw you don't want to do that, I put the odd status as public so they can see a few bits but they never really click on my page

Feeling quite low. I usually get dsd ready and dp takes her, today I was going to take her as he has college but his mum offered to so I could have a lie in.
I got her ready, and gave her one of those go ahead bars with 3 slices in as he had forgotten to buy cereal last night at the shops. She only wanted to eat two slices and dps mum was anxious to get off so she wasn't late. I sent her to clean her teeth, realised dp had taken her brush last night to sterilise as she never rinses it after use so he wanted to clean it (it's only 4/ 5 days old, can't buy new brushes that often) i saw it in the cup he'd put it in, it looked clean, I rinsed it for good measure and she cleaned her teeth.

He then as she was about to go out the door said she needed to get some chewing gum (nice tooth brush replacement???) and I said she'd cleaned them... He went mental at me about the brush not being clean etc, I explained that I thought he'd done it as it looked clean, sorry but it was an accident and he continues to throw toys out the pram stormed off and later came back in to lecture me about the science... utterly pointless when it wasn't intentional. he then got mad that she hadnt had enough breakfast when he dorgot the cereal! I said I won't bother getting her ready in future then (logical when I may make silly mistakes and get shouted at) and he said I was being childish. He then said he was going, I asked if he had his packed lunch which I'd put effort into last night (he's trying to eat healthily so I purposefully put healthy snacks and things together for him) and he said no I'm not taking it now, when last night he'd been really appreciative... and proceeded to leave the bedroom door open so all the light from the front door glass comes in (live in a bungalow) I think that's bloody childish.

it's so infuriating... We normally parent totally as equals as I explained before, and I get the feeling this would have happened even if she was my biological dd.
He blows up like this over accidents yet is totally happy for me to discipline her my way (to the point where sometimes he even brings her to me and makes her explain what naughty thing she's done to me as if I'm the parent, which I don't fully understand but oh well), to feed her what I feel is right and manage her sweets etc, to tell her do things like wash her plate or go to bed etc - in every way we are equal and he's happy with that, In fact it's how he suggested it would be before she came to us...

I just feel like why should I bother, I wouldn't mind but he'd been lying naked on the bed on his phone forhalf an hour and should have been cleaning her tooth brush instead. I also wouldn't mind if I'd done it on purpose, but intent seems to be irrelevant to him! Grr.

am I right to be upset? its not like I've taken it upon myself to parent her in a way that he wouldn't want or ignored his views as a parent, I've made an innocent mistake!

oops sorry for the massive post I'm rubbish at being consise!

Better off your chest. Have a .

He's being a bit of a twit really. I must admit I'm a bit wtf about sterilising the toothbrush, surely cleaning her teeth with a toothbrush that was less than a week old is better than not cleaning teeth. And why sterilise it so soon anyway?

Sounds like he's got his knickers in a twist from being caught out on not doing stuff. Still doesn't excuse childish behaviour. Will he apologise later for forgetting/being a twit?

My dss comes after school. I've quite enjoyed the last few evenings with just my 3. We're off camping at the weekend. He's so enthusiastic. NOT. Honestly, you'd think I'd asked him to pull his eyeballs out with a fork! Ironic thing is, he'll love it once we're there!

Alita, that's dreadful. He's well out of line.

Apart from anything else (like the fact that he's totally taking your help with his children for granted!) ----Unless he's been cleaning the toilet with her toothbrush, what really is the big deal ? I don't get it.

He might apologise, he may stick by his guns as to him I did something I shouldn't have and he expressed his anger. That's normally how it goes anyway (it doesn't happen that often but isn't isolated to dsd issues, it could be that I forgot to leave him a tea spoon in the right place like he asked) i think it's due to possible asd, dsd Is diagnosed and a lot of things that she does which is attributed to that he does too. But is that giving him an excuse? as a functional adult shouldn't he be able to try and think a bit more ?
he seems to always blow up over tiny things but is Ok with big things, he'd react better if I had an affair :p

in terms of cleaning the tooth brush, we have a mould problem, he's paranoid about wet things attracting spores. And she never rinses it off properly despite being asked so it gets clogged up with saliva and tooth paste which may get all bacteria filled. I do agree it's a bit much though BUT his decision as parent, it's not like I just took it upon myself to decide to give it to her anyway I thought he'd done it...

Wow - I have never sterilised a toothbrush. He's acting out because he realises it's his fault and he should have remembered. Also, I don't care if you parent as equals or not...you had the opportunity to have a lie in today and instead you were getting his child ready while he lounged about with his knob out playing on his phone and then got cross at you for not being a mind reader.

If he's going to sterilise your DSDs toothbrush, he needs to put it somewhere well out of reach and make it clear it's not to be used. What if she had taken herself to the toilet to brush her teeth and used it? How old is she anyway - can't she brush her own teeth? [neglectful mother]

Alita, I'm sorry if I am speaking out of turn, but reading between the lines of your threads, it sounds like your setup is, well, a bit unfair. How do you really feel about it all?

I do agree it's a bit much though BUT his decision as parent, it's not like I just took it upon myself to decide to give it to her anyway I thought he'd done it

And why does your DP get to make the decision "as parent", but you have to carry it out? Could you not turn around and say "you know, I decided this morning, as parent, that I wasn't going to bother with the sterilizing, and was just going to get her teeth cleaned"? If you can't do that, then you really aren't parenting as equals.

It sounds like he makes the decisions, but has you convinced that because you are permitted to help deliver the care, you're a 50/50 team.

well he's never sterilised(still not sure what he Intended to do, maybe boiling water?) a tooth brush before, he does have phases of being a little ocd though (yet still not tidying enough).
Shes 10 and does brush her own teeth but has brain damage (can't specify why as it may out us combined with other info on here) and asd so she needs lots of reminding to do things and I don't think she cleans her teeth well enough but oh well.

usually we get the 50/50 thing right, I care for her approx 50% of the time and usually we make decisions together and I am able to live my life without having to worry about trying to look after her without being able to discipline or make decisions which I feel is more important when caring for a child who has more complex needs. If he did more housework and stopped having tantrums, I'd be totally happy with the situation. Although sometimes it is a bit much trying to parent her when I'm pregnant.

to be honest I feel the issue is mostly unrelated to her and parenting her although like today it was the problem, he can't handle stress (In this case having a long journey to college) and In those situations he needs everything to be right, so like I said before the same would have happened if I'd moved his tea spoon. It definitely seems like asd to me but I really need him to start working on it, it's not in my opinion something he can't try to make an effort with.

It's just that day's like today make me feel completely unappreciated and although I enjoy taking on the role of her parent as for all the ways she is difficult she is also delightful, I know that I don't have to, I don't want a medal I don't want a thank you every night, I just want a few more chores done, a well done when it's been a long day and some understanding when I make the odd mistake, especially when they're tiny silly ones!

Alita how are things now?

I flipped over dss and his refusal to speak to me this weekend!! He came to me Friday night and said "there might have been an accident" so I asked him what had happened and he ignored me and walked away. I followed himband asked him againnwhat was wrong and again he blanked me. Eventually he told me he had pooped his pants (he is 10 ffs and been to the loo abouta dozen times in tesco) iI asked him why he hadn't gone to the toilet and he again shut down so I gave up and came downstairs and told dp to gonna deal with his son as I am completely done being blanked in my own home. Especially when he came to tell me there was an accident. Dp flipped at him and banned all treats, told him to clean himself up, put his dirty clothes in the washing machine and sent him to bed. All good I hear you say. But the blanking me continued all day on Saturday. Both dss and dsd were asked to clean the hugs out the paddling pool if they wanted to use it (they had both begged to be allowed) so dsd happily started, dss stood and instructed but refused to help. I told him he needed to help his sister (dp in bed as was due at work Saturday night) or he wasn't playing out on his bike. He ignored me and his sister came in upset that he wasn't helping and was being nasty to her. I went out and quietly told him he had two choices, he either helped his sister or he went to his room. He continued to ignore me so i sent him to his room and told him the only reason was to come out was for the loo as I was sick of being ignored by him.

Dp got up at tea time and I told him what had happened and he actually backed me up'!!!!! Cannot believe it!! Two incidents in two days and he actually disciplined his kids!!!! He even told exw that dss had been grounded and when she said she didn't agree with grounding them he told her tough it was his house and he would discipline ashe saw fit. He wasn't asking for her blessing but telling her in case dss was stroppy. RESULT!!!!

He has been a title this morning over getting up with our dd but little wins!!

Have a good bank holiday Monday folks

Sorry about the difficulties where is the light but brilliant that your dp has stepped up!

We've been fine for the most part we've had a couple of incidents, he wanted me to go out with him Saturday night (his bday today so his parents had the kids) but I didn't know the people very well and obviously can't drink or smoke and as he said he didn't want it 'announced' I didn't really want to go and lie about why I wasn't drinking... I went and it was ok in the end.
He also failed to tell dsd 1 to settle down in a conversation about baby names as she was being very opinionated and going on about what bad taste we have and how she hates my favourite on the girls list, he's now decided that he's not too keen If she isn't when he liked it a week ago, and thinks the kids should be more involved than I do when name picking. its my first, and me and him are struggling to find ones we agree on anyway, I'm not having my names vetoed by kids, I'm happy to discuss it with them, but this is mine and his choice!

Ohhh I am angry for you!!! We didn't even discuss dd's name with my dsc. We made a decision and that was it.

It's your choice not the fcuking kids!!! Your dp needs to stop pandering to their stroppy behaviour!!

The name, the name!! My (older than your's, and old enough to know better!) DSD told a relative we were naming DD after her (the relative). Although I think highly of the relative, I had no such intention and had the name chosen long before.

Ended up feeling I had to add it as a middle name, rather than telling the relative we weren't doing this, once she was so pleased about it. I am still unhappy about this. I felt manipulated and angry.

I've read a lot of advice telling parents-to-be not to even discuss their name choices until they were already firm - I'm afraid I have to say that extends even to grandparents, siblings, and older children!

I still wish I could change it. :(

Evening ladies!! So it's dsc's weekend with us but dd had her underwater photo shoot with a well known national company so they have been at their Grandad's as dp was a t work last night and again tonight. Went to collect them only to have dss beg to be allowed to stay the night at his Grandad's house - not happened since mil died last year as dp's sister and I agreed that fil wasn't up to it - but fil was adamant he was ok and happy for them to stay (actually seemed very excited to have them want to stay) so have left them with him. Dd is still too young and he really wouldn't cope with all 3! But she has gone done perfectly without fuss so I am curled up on the sofa with a large glass of squash, a huge bag of malteasers, X men and sunburn!

How is everyone else?