ExW in touch with your dhs relatives

[croquet]

Is your stepkids' mum in touch with your DHs relatives independently, or does all contact go through him? Trying to work out what happens in other families, thanks.

XH left for OW when I was pregnant and had a toddler, they are engaged now and have regular (e.o.w) contact with both DC. It's been really hard to get to this point, but it's almost friendly between myself and XH now (slightly better than civil, try to be flexible and inclusive etc). I have no idea what his DP makes of me though as I have absolutely no contact with her. I am nice about her to the DC, as they have no reason to know anything unpleasant and they clearly like her which I think is a good thing.

As for MIL etc, my parents are good friends with MIL and her DH, so they go out for meals and stuff independently. I see them with the DC about once a month. I've just been invited with the DC to go out on a day trip for my DNephew's birthday, with SIL, BIL, MIL etc. I recognise that it's probably hard for XH's DP, but at the same time, I'm very grateful for all the love and support that his family showed me when we broke up in very nasty circs, and MIL especially has told me I'll always be family as I'm her DGC's mother.

I think it depends a lot on how the break up has been handled, and what the other issues are. I would never accept an invite to a family 'do' on that side if XH and his DP could go with the kids. I only ever accept if it's me taking them, or no-one. I guess that's my line really. I make sure they don't miss anything with cousins etc if their dad can't take them, but wouldn't ever want to go along to things together.

In XH's family there are lots of step situations, MIL is on 3rd marriage, has her own DC from two of them and is v close to her SDC from the second - so I guess it's all quite normal to them to just get on with it and be nice. Which I am very glad about really!

Their marriage broke down partly because she was blocking him and the DSC from having contact with his parents so no.
My exPIL don't contact me. I am civil with them if I collect them from there if they've slept there instead of at their dads. MIL never really liked me and I didn't like her after I found out how two faced she was.
My mum had great contact with my dad's parents.
So a mixed bag of experience!

Exw is in full contact with my dh's family. They arrange contact between themselves. It suits us tbh.
It's funny though because when I turned up on the scene they hated her guts for what she did to my dh and now they are bosom buddies.
I haven't spoken to them for 2 years.
I'm too posh apparently which I presume means I'm up my own arse and know how to use a knife and fork

I don't speak to my ex h's parents. They never have my kids on their own because my youngest has special needs and is too much for them. They never call to ask how they are or drop in. They did for the first 2 years but not anymore. It's sad really but their loss!
My mum dotes on my kids and is glad to have them to herself

ladythatlunches I know from experience how difficult that can be.

How has your DH dealt with it?

Is your DHs ex remarried? Does her DH have a relationship with your DHs parents too?

yes she has remarried they all go away together.

It upsets my dh as they don't really see our children but exs children call them nanny ans grandad.

im ok with it because they have alqayat been like that to be honest. when my dh took me to meet his parents for first time they invited ex over for dinner too and no one but dh talked to me.

but im lucky I have my mum and family because they make up for it all. But I imagine must be hurtful for dh

lady I'm in the same position as your DH - unfortunately, I have been NC with them for several years as a result.
My DD sees them when her dad and SM do.

Back to the OP - my DHs parents have always contacted DHs ex directly regarding contact, money, gifts etc even when the DCs had regular contact with him - I've no idea why.

we sisntt speak for years and years but my poor dh missed his dad. his dad is a weak man who will bend over backwards to do what hw is told even though bhe knows its wrong

In my family, everybody is still in touch with everybody, with RL and telephone contact. But we're a bunch of weirdo hippies.

I regularly speak to my ex's family as they were also my family for 14 years and are my DCs' aunties and uncles.

My ex also has lunch with my DB so that they can chat about their shared hobby and keep in touch.

We go out together with each other's families for the DCs' birthdays etc.

My DP doesn't mind at all and he also has a friendly relationship with his ex's family. His MIL helps him with after school childcare when it's his days with the DCs and he also spends time with his ex and her family for the DCs birthdays etc.

It is a bit unusual, but he's actually made me feel more at ease with the whole situation as he is so mature and relaxed about it all. His ex was unfaithful and he even had her OM round with all the family for Xmas dinner!

Only today a mum at school commented on how nice it was to see me and ex chatting at school, that it must be good for the DCs to see that too.

I completely understand why some people can't remain friendly, but those who can certainly don't do it because they have any hankering to get back together. I don't see the man I used to be married to, just the DCs' dad.

My DCs see more of their paternal grandparents now than when I was married to their son. I think that maintaining a relationship between them is important.
We have regular friendly contact. Oddly my exFIL seems to have adopted DP to a certain extent and they go off to the rugby and cricket together, which exH never did/does with his Dad.
The only fly in the ointment is that I think their son is a horrible horrible person with whom I would have no contact by choice, but pretend civility for the DCs sake. Because exiles see us a part of their family (DP included) I occasionally have to spend time in the company of exH for their sakes, which makes me very uncomfortable.

DP's parents were his Ex-wifes 'family' for many years, and are still on good terms. I don't know if they have direct contact, because it's none of my business. But they do exchange Christmas gifts and cards, usually via us, which we're happy to pass on.
I am still in contact with my ex bf Mum, not via him, but directly, she's a nice lady and I was/am fond of her.

I have been a child caught up in the conflict of new wife demanding that family no longer see/speak/contact/acknowledge existence of first wife and it was horrendous. Caused massive rifts between me and my family as I couldn't believe that they would agree to her demands and now have no contact with any of my paternal family as a result.

I am in regular contact with my ex PIL, have been for 15 years, my DC with now DP call them Nanny and Grandad. They are lovely people and I am glad that they are still part of my life.

I did, but only because ExH wasn't great at taking our DCs to see their grandparents. They were keen to stay a part of DCs' lives so we would make arrangements between us. Contact was kept to this though but was always friendly. They're older now so tend to arrange things themselves. Our marriage didn't work out but DCs' grandparents were not at fault and it would have been really sad if that relationship had broken down.

Yes, DP's ex is still in touch with his parents. She regularly facilitates phone/skype contact for them with DSS. Also, where we live it is common for kids to stay with grandparents for weeks at a time in school holidays, DP and his ex work together to ferry DSS to and from his GPs as they live a long way away.

I must admit I was surprised to hear that DP's parents were invited to ex's wedding this summer (DP and I are too though!) but I guess its fair enough.

Incidentally, I see a lot of DP's ex's mum at various gatherings as she lives locally to us and also takes careof DSS quire often. And I must say I get on much better with her than I do DP's mum! We just click more, and she did do much to make me feel welcome into the extended blended family.

My DHs exGF has just moved a street over from PILs. We have 50/50 arrangement and PILs have DSD most of the time when it's exPs week. That's why she moved near them. It has caused issues for us for a few reasons. Ex is at their house all the time so DH and I don't always feel comfortable to drop in. DH and the ex don't like each other. The main problem though is that MiL can be bitchy and bitches about me to the ex and over shares personal info about us. DH has had to raise it with his parents that he feels ex is prioritised over his feelings. I think keeping up those relationships is really important for the DCs and I completely support it. But it needs to be managed sensitively by everyone otherwise it can cause fractures.

DP's EXW kicked him out cos she was having an affair. His parents were devastated because she had used them to look after the kids while she was off with the OM and i think they felt used and like they had facilitated the affair. Especially as his mum suspected the affair.

However, they would have loved her to have stayed in touch, they had known her since she was 16 and looked on her as a daughter. However, his EXW has refused to contact his parents. Even when his mum was dying in hospital she refused to go and visit. Unfortunately her behaviour during their marriage had already alienated his brother and sister, although she talks to his brothers daughters on facebook (big age gap between DP and his siblings so his nieces and nephews are only a few years younger than him).

If your DP and his EXW had been together a long time then i think you need to accept that she is likely to remain part of the lives of his extended family. She is still the kids mother. You divorce/seperate from the person not necessarily their family - depending on the situation obviously.

I still see a lot of my EXH's family, we were work colleagues and friends before EXH and i got together so I don't see why we shouldn't remain as such.

My DP's ex speaks to/texts his Mum on a regular basis but it's only to arrange childcare as she helps with the kids in the school holidays and sometimes picks the kids up from school etc. They don't have any kind of friendship and my MIL just tolerates her.

I also occasionally speak to my ex's Mum, we've always got on great and we send Christmas cards etc to each other. Again though any contact is just about arranging pick ups and drop offs of my son though.

My DP used to have a lot of contact with his ex's family which I used to find weird. He was friends with them before he met her but it was all a bit too close for my liking...to the point where we were getting invitations to all their family do's...weddings, Christenings etc. It was just weird.
But then me and his ex fell out and with that meant her family fell out with me so now he doesn't see as much of them.

My uncle (mum's brother) and his wife divorced when I was 8. My mum stayed in contact with uncle's ex ever since. She was at my wedding and sends my dc Christmas and bday presents.

Dp's xw is very much part of his family. She's like a daughter to his mum. They were married for a long time and I think it would be odd to have had the relationships she had with his family then just stop when they separated.

It was one of the things that I saw as a green light when I met him, and I was happy things were able to be like that.

Much like any other relationships it will surely depend on whether they like her or not. My inlaws tolerated Dh's ex at best. Had they liked her I doubt they would have cut ties just because of a duty to "pick sides" or whatever. They were married ten years.

My parents were married for 25 years and my mum has stayed closeish to her ex inlaws, though they did genuinely all get along well. Dad isn't close to mum's family through his own choice as he's embarrassed by how their marriage ended and wrongly assumed they hate him, they actually like him and could separate how he was within the marriage and the man they knew and liked. So it's a shame really.

My mother is in very regular contact with my dad's sister (my aunt) anymore sporadic contact with the other sisters.

She always has been - had known my aunt since the aunt was 13, was married to my father for 20 years, and during the marriage was the one who tended to remember birthdays, occasions, send letters and cards.

I'd say they are very close.

And my parents separated nearly 30 years ago - so it's been a long friendship.

I'm in frequent touch with my ExP mum. She is my daughters grandma and we go to lunch. She actually came on a date with us once when DH and I first started dating!

My ex Inlaws contact us from time to time, I never initiate contact but I am grateful that they have decided to stay in touch with DS even when his dad is no longer interested.

We will never be friends but, as DS exists, we are family. Not the one I would have chosen for myself, but they love DS and just because of that, I welcome the contact and think your insecurities may end up causing problems to the relationship your DP has with his family and child

They don't have to cut her off just because you are in the picture, you are their son's partner not her, but she is the mum of their grandchild/nephew and that has nothing to do with you or affect you in any way.