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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

ExW in touch with your dhs relatives

54 replies

croquet · 27/03/2014 13:37

Is your stepkids' mum in touch with your DHs relatives independently, or does all contact go through him? Trying to work out what happens in other families, thanks.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Flexiblefriend · 27/03/2014 13:46

I believe DH's ex chats to DH's Mum on FB at times, but that's about it as far as contact between them goes.

WaitingForMe · 27/03/2014 13:52

Yes, she sees MIL now and again and uses SIL as a babysitter. They are pathetically grateful and she's smart enough to make use of that.

We certainly don't get involved. We limit how much we see of MIL as she's a spiteful narcissist. I just make sure ExW has the support she needs so that dealing with MIL comes from choice not lack of options (eg. I do bits of school pick up and looking after kids during inset days).

I appreciate I may be unusual in liking the ExW and the MIL being the problematic one.

Russianfudge · 27/03/2014 13:57

My DH's family consider themselves well shot of his ex wife. But it doesn't stop her cooing over their photos on facebook etc. or her tagging them in photos of DSD. She doesn't do this much now to be honest. Think she got the hint.

Makes me a little twitchy but I don't care much. I don't think I'd like her going to visit them - but then because she's a weirdo they wouldn't have her there anyway, and if she was nice and normal I wouldn't care.. .so I suppose it wouldn't come up.

Pregnantberry · 27/03/2014 14:10

They have a brief friendly chat when MIL arranges a Skype with DSS, or if they meet IRL but that doesn't happen very often anymore because DSS and his mum live a fair distance away from us/her.

Thank god. Keep daggers away from necks where possible.

Unless exW is a genuinely evil dragon, and I don't believe that as many are as this board would make out, it really is better for everybody (especially D(S)C) if everyone just bites their tongues and acts friendly. I really think it is good for DSS when he sees the two sides of his family getting along, he looks so at ease.

Pregnantberry · 27/03/2014 14:11

"Thank god" was regarding them being friendly, not living a long way away from each other IYSWIM!

EthelDorothySusan · 27/03/2014 14:12

Why should there be a problem with the Grandchildren's Mother speaking directly to their GP's? They will be in each others lives forever.

MirandaWest · 27/03/2014 14:14

I am in touch with XHs mum separately sometimes. She sonetimes comes up here to look after the DC, or they stay with her and x fil during the holidays and it makes sense for me to be in touch about arrangements for taking and picking them up etc if I'm the one doing the taking and picking up. I can't see how that would tread on anyone's toes but I may well be wrong.

RedandChecker · 27/03/2014 14:14

I think it depends family to family.
If they have children from the previous marriage I can see why it may be helpful and better for the DC's etc.

I would consider my SILS as very good friends. Me and DP are not married, but we have DC and if we were to split I would be upset if our friendships within the whole family broke down and the cousins rarely saw eachother as DP never arranges family activities.

Unless it causes more harm than good, I can't see a problem.

hoppingmad · 27/03/2014 14:18

I'm in touch with my ex il's but not my ex. I don't have much choice seeing as he dumped his dc's when he had a new one . Don't much like his family but the dc's do and they are their family too so we have them over on birthdays etc and they pop round to see the dc's.
Whilst they're not my favourite people I respect them for standing by the dc's, caused a huge bust up in their family because ex didn't want them staying in contact but they stood their ground. Good on them for that

purpleroses · 27/03/2014 14:19

My DP's ex has no contact whatsever with his family, as far as I'm aware. She does rather kindly pass on clothes that her DS has outcrown to DP to give to his sister though.

I'm in touch with my ex's parents though - they phone from time to time and I send them news of the kids. I think they value that link tbh - it reassures them that they will get to keep a relationship with their DGC up regardless of anything my ex does. Ex MIL does also ring up to slag off ex's DW though, which I don't really like. I'd rather she left me out of that...

Pregnantberry · 27/03/2014 14:22

Agreed Ethel. Personally I would feel a little uncomfortable if I were a single mum and the GP's expected to have a regular/semi-regular relationship with my DC but refused to speak to me!

I know during contact time it would be up to the man who they spend time with, but it just sounds like potential for a hell of a lot of drama at the expense of the DC to me.

wannaBe · 27/03/2014 14:24

what people also don't seem to consider is that if the ex cuts all ties with the family, how that will affect the relationship with the dc's if anything were to happen to their other parent.

I am the ex in this scenario and I have no contact with my ex ILs (their choice). That's their prerogative, ds sees them through xh so it doesn't effect him overly.

But if anything were to happen to xh the fact that his family have no contact with me means that they would then also lose that relationship with ds, or at least until he was old enough to make his own arrangements, by which time the relationship might be permanently lost anyway through lak of contact.

Russianfudge · 27/03/2014 14:59

I have no contact with ex in laws but if my ex died I'd get in touch and make sure they saw dd as much as they do now. They take her on holiday every year so that would continue.

The reason it was a problem here is that Dh's ex is a nasty manipulating person so if the in laws were in bed with her I would find it very hard and would also have little respect for them being disloyal to DH ANSI after all she's put is through.

But if no animosity it would be nice to all be close.

sittingatmydeskagain · 27/03/2014 15:02

My mum has her ex son in law for tea every other week. Basically, the grandchildren go for tea, and the parent they are with that week takes them.

Works well.

Xalla · 27/03/2014 15:25

My DSD's Mum regularly calls MiL claiming not to be able to get hold of us so could she have DSD for a while / night / weekend.... MiL always agrees. They know what she's like, know that the stuff about not being able to get hold of DH is BS and genuinely can't stand her but appreciate the extra time with DSD so we ignore it.

Original poster

croquet · 27/03/2014 15:34

Interesting replies. Do you envisage the Ex will continue to contact your Dh's family when the children are adults and leave home (i.e. always be part of that extended family)?

OP posts:

Xalla · 27/03/2014 15:44

No. Not in my case. She only contacts them for childcare. She doesn't send Xmas cards or anything like that. It is simply babysitting. As soon as DSD to too old to need a sitter, she won't contact them.

purpleroses · 27/03/2014 15:46

Do you envisage the Ex will continue to contact your Dh's family when the children are adults and leave home (i.e. always be part of that extended family)?
I'm the ex, and I would expect to remain on Christmas card terms with my ex's parents once DCs leave home (assuming they're still alive by then) but probably not anything more frequent. I guess they're part of my DCs familly so still a part of mine in a loose sense.

MeepMeepVroooom · 27/03/2014 15:51

I am the ex and I see my ExHs family regularly. I will probably remain in touch with the family throughout my life but won't see them as frequently when DD is older.

Xalla · 27/03/2014 15:53

DH never contacts DSD's Mum's family though actually. I do send her parents an Xmas card each year but we don't get one back. I send it because we usually have a photo of all the kids inc. DSD on the front and I figure they should get a copy / doesn't hurt us to send one / probably a nice thing to do from DSD's point of view.

UC · 27/03/2014 18:10

I am a mum and step mum.

My DSC's mum is in touch with my DP's family, visits them and is very close to one of his sisters. She has more contact with that sister than DP does! It isn't a problem for us.

I am friendly with my ex's sister, and to a lesser extent, his brother. I will always be friends with his sister. I am also in touch with his parents, as are my parents. We were family for a long time, and still regard ourselves as such. They are our children's aunties/uncles/grandparents. My ex had issues with this in the beginning, but no longer does, probably because I have never used my relationships with them to cause him any trouble.

ladythatlunches · 27/03/2014 18:32

my dh's ex goes in holiday with dh parents. her other children call them nanny ans grandad.

they have them over all the time.

Thymeout · 27/03/2014 19:35

I was with my exDH for 21 years. 3 dcs. I was the one who tended the relationship with his family, remembered birthdays, made phone calls etc etc. I was as close to them as to my own family.

When he left (OW) it was a tremendous shock to us all. I had a falling out with my ex MIL for a time when I discovered she was being two-faced, saying one thing to me and another to ex. (Ex took pleasure in telling me.) Couldn't cope with any more deceit in my life. But I've never lost touch with one of my exSILs and would count her as a v close friend. Get on OK with other SILs when we meet at weddings etc.

I think it depends entirely on circumstances. OW later left ex, which helped. Also that my dcs were adults when he married again to someone totally unconnected to the break up. I think it's been v beneficial to my dcs that I'm still on good terms with ex's family. And I'd hate it to be the convention that the ex family should break off contact. I'd have found it v hurtful that people I'd known for so long could just drop me 'in support of' their blood relative.

Sparklysilversequins · 27/03/2014 19:39

I'm still very close with my in laws, I am very close to two of my SIL go on holidays etc. Ex doesn't mind. As my SIL said in front of me "THEY split up not us and she's the Mum of my niece and nephew, kids come first". I couldn't agree more.

Monetbyhimself · 27/03/2014 20:09

My Ex PILs don't speak to Ow so I have to facilitate contact with the children because Ex won't speak to them or let them see the kids.

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