My own worst enemy

[TheMumsRush]

"D" H and I have been going through a rough patch that resulted in us nearly splitting. A combination of different things, one of them being Disney parenting. I stupidly let him back and we talked about him backing me up more. Well! First weekend of contact and dsd is sitting elbow deep nose picking! I said pick us a winner thinking this would stop her. No, she continues to pick and eat I say dsd please stop picking your nose. She says she's not and "d"h agrees and gives her a cuddle! What the fuck was I thinking hoping this time it would be different!

So now I've gone to my room. And if I say what the matter is it will cause an argument and I don't want that, especially as the kids are here.

How old is she? Kids do sometimes do disgusting things, not sure why its annoyed you so much.

Dya know what I'd do?
Ignore them both

• dirty scutty bogie eater

Just say 'at least while you're eating them they won't get wiped on the sofa' to yourself under your breath or you'll give her ideas how to piss you off more

That's bloody disgusting. If dss does that I tell him to stop and he stops. If dp sees him he tells him to stop. He is 6. It would never cause an issue because dp backs me up and on the very few occasions he doesn't I can always talk to him about it later. What else does your dp not support you on?

Oh dear. Don't let bogies come between you! Doesn't sound like much backing up is happening tho.

Ledkr, she hasn't annoyed me so much, "d"h has. I know kids do that, and adults are here to pull them up on it.

Ha ha yes thingsthat, I did think that about the sofa

At least she's not flicking them at you

Anyway if DH doesn't believe you, let him suck it up when he kisses her goodbye
Like when my dog went through the phase of eating his own poop and I told ever-y-one.. Still sd insisted on kissing his face and letting him lick her face -

Anyway I digress. If he won't side with you, and support you, then you have a right to both cringe and chuckle to yourself when he kisses that bogie scoffing mush

Well this morning I have two sc running around the garden, one who has poo on her pj's from searching her bum, the other (pre teen) hasn't changed his pants and both haven't brushed their teeth. I say to "d"h he needs to keep on top of this and somehow I'm in the wrong again

How irritating is this all to you? Enough to split up? Or if you want to stay together I think you really need to disengage - leave him to it and only intervene if there is a really significant health risk posed by your scuzzy SC's. It's his job to discipline them, not yours - and especially not yours if he does nothing.

Yuk! They sound vile!
Leave them to rot in their own filth and do something nice for yourself today!
Dirty whatsits!!!!

It's sad because it's not their fault, it's the guilt parenting on both sides

Ah I've had the no teeth brushing the no changing underpants puke on the bed ect
P used to do nothing but not out of guilt it was pure laziness
Either drag him to one side and growl through gritted teeth that he'd best buck up his ideas cos I'm not Mary fucking poppins which is exactly what I said, or tell the kids, treat them as your own and say something loudly in front of him while simultaneously throwing them pants/clothes/in the shower/ a nail brush to clean the poo from under nails.

Or you could disengage which I was often tempted to do but didn't because I was worried about the sc's well being if left to him.
Being able to make a baby doesn't necessarily mean a magical ability to properly care for said children sadly.
If you weren't there dare I say it, this would end up being an SS issue for neglect

It's not that de doesn't care, he's rigid about brushing teeth at night, he just forgets in the morning . His excuse for the no changing of underpants is well it's the weekend, he doesn't smell yet, I'm sure he does change then for school! I told him it's not about that, it's about establishing good habits.

Btw, Teeth nor hair has been brushed still, and now mud has been traipsed in the house. Dare I suggest his son clean it up? Hell no

I think things like clean clothes can be relaxed at the weekend (up to a point - poo on clothes would be unacceptable) but missing out on teeth cleaning isn't ok.
Kids of this age aren't always terribly good at cleanliness, but it usually improves once they hit their teens. My soap dodging DSC's became born again clean freaks suddenly.
I think you need to back off a little and disengage. I used to basically ignore the mess the kids created until they went back to their Mums and then have a clean up.

Yes clean clothes isn't such a big deal to me, but clean pants are. I know kids have to be reminded as it doesn't come naturally but isn't that what a parent is for?. I'm so far backed off at the moment their visits become very lonely for me. I'm sick of being told to step up and tell them, but when I do he jumps to their defence. Detach detach detach till I may as well be single. Thanks ladies, I wasn't really looking for solutions, just need a place to rant

I wish I'd known about Mumsnet when my DSC were younger - the rants I could have had

detach till I may as well be single

That really resonates with me today....

DH's ex has made it clear she's going to break the contact order they have yet again. DH is saying he's not taking it on the cuff this time. Looks like court again. I'm so tired of it. So fed up with the impact it all has on home life. Sick of the drama, the stress, the tension.

Finding it very hard not to resent DH for being the 'source' of it all.

I was asking myself earlier, how on earth do I detach anymore that I already have, without detaching from DH??

Sorry for the hijack OP...

It's gone 6pm. I need wine.

I don't think the nose picking is a big deal, though I would be pissed off if she was doing it in public.

The changing pants and clothes is annoying but kids can be grubby and often are not bothered about hygiene. I would just let dh get on with it unless you have plans to all go out then I would say 'change your clothes or we are not going'. I think all these little things seem worse when its not our own kids, it used to annoy me when dh's ex would send the kids over looking like they had been dragged through a hedge and stinking of cat piss and cigarette smoke [boak] so I started putting them in the bath when they came over and we would buy them new clothes (these were then taken back to there mums and never seen again).

Again, it's not the nose picking, all kids do it. It's dh's reaction. Its things that I wouldn't accept and dh has told me to pull them up on then dh defending them. It's DH not them.

I think everyone is saying detach for your own sanity rather than with an undercurrent that it's the dsc fault x
Its great that you recognise its him not them. I can't offer any more than a hand hold because I tried to disengage and couldn't, for the sake of the kids more than anything, with an absent crap mum and a present but crap dad I think the only decent role models they had were their auntie and I.
I've stood between them and him when his crap parenting technique of shouting and threatening to hit reared its ugly head.
The only thing we used to row about before that was towels and washing left lying around, the bathroom a shit tip, most of a pack of q tips left lying on top of the bin dirty, the list of kiddy skanky things goes on, (my words : it's not a hotel and I'm not a pissing maid service) but they were due to lazy and ineffective parenting ( IMO until kids are about ten ish you should supervise teeth brushing ect) and some are too lazy to do other than send the kids to the bathroom and hope they wash and clean their teeth.
Other than that I no longer see any of the sc, so I can't really advise in real time, rant away though