More good than bad...your positive tips / stories?

[cappy123]

I know a lot of the time we come on to vent, or support others in tough times. But there are also step families that are not just making it work, but thriving. And it's just as important, informative and encouraging to hear those stories too. It'd be great if there was just one positive tip / story a day, be it humorous, wise or anything else!

Like: "my DSC said 'morning' to me for the first time", "my DP apologized for..", "I just realized that...", "we did x as a family and it was great", "it's getting easier...", "me and exW get on because". Whatever it is that is positive - let's hear it.

I'll kick off... my 14 yo DSD lives FT with us. This week after a meal we all had together, she and I had a girly chat about schoolmates and a general giggle. We're getting more used to each other and it's good to know she can chat with me. Her mum and dad aren't perfect parents (who is?) but they do get on and do their best to raise her well.

Over to you guys.

Hi cappy, lovely to read that you and your DSD are getting on well and she is happy to share school stories with you! Sounds like you are doing a find DSM job there!

My DSD is a little older than your DSD, at 16. I have been noticing his growing maturity a lot more. I came back from 2 days away for work and he listed the things he wanted to thank me for! Just little things I had done (new T shirts and sports socks from M&S and getting him a choccie bun from the baker for the start of his week with us). And he has started saying to his Dad how have you been?

It was just the way he comes out with stuff Was lovely. Thats the thing about kids, you just never know what they'll come out with next! Its all going on inside those little heads of their's ....

Oops sorry mine is a DSS

I love my dss, (15 yo) he's made an awesome big brother to his nearly 1 yo sis. His mum is one of my best friends.
I get lovely Mother's Day cards and presents from him, and when I was pregnant and said I get to be a mummy, he hugged me and said I already was. :)

Nice to read some positive stories

Earlier this week DH was on the phone to DSC4 when he said "love you Dad...tell Snoozy I love her too". It almost makes it all worth it

Wonderful wonderful. We need to hear more of these stories! I really believe that hearing the positive is vital!

I asked DSS (8) to tidy away his game...and he did it! Immediately, with no trying to argue his way out of it, or slowly starting the job then giving up halfway through and wandering off.

He also remembered to flush the toilet without me having to remind him.

In fact, we've had an altogether lovely day today, a lovely family walk with the dog, some funny games and lots of random moments of laughter...a day when I really appreciated him being here and wouldn't have it any other way.

My Mum and her now ex husband have been divorced for 3 years. I still see my step Dad and step siblings regularly. They were a big part of my life for almost 20 years.

My DSS (5) told me he loved me this morning

Seeing my DS's face light up and him legging it across the house when DSS arrives, makes any of the hard parts of step parenting worth it.

Our blended family works well and having DS seems to have made it much closer. DSS is 9 years older than DS and I really enjoy seeing him growing up and changing, he likes to find me when i'm on my own and tell me about his crush on the new girl at school but he isn't too big to still ask for cuddles!

I asked DSS (8) to tidy away his game...and he did it! Immediately, with no trying to argue his way out of it, or slowly starting the job then giving up halfway through and wandering off. Riverboat this is great - and must have been a pleasant surprise when you were met with a such willingness!

"My Mum and her now ex husband have been divorced for 3 years. I still see my step Dad and step siblings regularly. They were a big part of my life for almost 20 years. Notthegirl" I can so relate. Although my mum and stepdad are still together (they didn't have more kids either) I cannot imagine my stepdad not in my life - he's been around 30 years. Both my dads are so important to me.

My DSS (5) told me he loved me this morning Ahh! Just Ahh!

Our blended family works well and having DS seems to have made it much closer. So glad you mention this parttime". It can* work, when the love of another sibling - or other new family member is in the mix

Well done to you all and your partners. Am thinking of you when things are well and difficult.

Another positive one from me. It was DSD's bday over the w/e (still shattered from the party). I had a friendly chat with her mum, we don't avoid each other but usually only see each other briefly e.g. at the doorstep. I complimented her on the job she's doing and it was good to get her insight into some challenges. We all 3 parents hung around whilst the DSD's mates were arriving and DSD introduced us women saying "oh yeah - and these are my two mums!"

I truly believe that if you you feel called to love and commit to your partner, despite the challenges, then stepfamilies will work (even if the rewards are a long time coming)! Also reading other people's positive stories helps when we're having those bad days and reminds us to celebrate the little things.

So keep them coming guys, let's aim for at least one a day.

OK, I'll add a few nice things from the weekend -

• First thing DSD said when she got in from school on Friday was "where's DD?" before she even asked where her dad was

• I got cross at DSS and turned his computer off without shutting it down (I was very cross at him for making us all late by not switching off his game). I know DP thinks you shouldn't ever do that to computers, but he nevertheless backed me up and told DSS off too. DSS sulked for a while, but by later in the day had forgotten all about it and spent a happy few hours helping me plant seeds in the garden.

• DSD (13) borrowed my bike to cycle to an evening drama class. Six months back she was being driven everywhere by DP who still treated her like a 6 year old, and she would do the baby voice thing to guilt trip him into continuing. But this time he simply said was she OK cycling, and she said yes fine. I'm feeling quite proud of the level of independence she's achieved now considering where she was a year ago, and it's mainly been me supporting/pushing her.

• My own DCs got back from their dad's yesterday with my DD having had a great time playing with her toddler (half) brother. She's posted a pic on Instagram "my little brother is so cute"

That's all so encouraging purple. We are not there yet with the going out independently. DH still walks DSD to and from her mum's a few houses away on the same street (at 14)! It's more DH 'protecting' her and so is his issue really. But as I think I've said before, I do influence DH and he does listen. Also I'm starting to be more direct with DSD on certain issues. You're right, when we look back to where we were say two years ago - it's encouraging.

Someone else's postive: I saw this amazing successful co-parenting video today, by the author of a book and blog co-written with her ex-husband. She is a remarried with birth, adopted and step children! Might get the book for more insight because it seems an eye-opener for people in this situation, or for supporting loved ones who are.

• DP and I are long distance. When he came to visit me for a 'child-free' weekend, he brought with him a card from DSS (7) which DSS had just found and written of his own accord - with a photo of him in it as a toddler, saying 'dear trying, I love you'
• DSD (4) - not the cuddliest / most affectionate girl even with her dad, but sometimes she will have little bursts of affection e.g. throwing her arms around my neck while I'm bent down putting on my shoe, bursting out crying upstairs because she couldn't find me and thought I'd gone home
• When I arrive after their bedtime, and they 'discover' me in bed with DP in the morning, listening to them on the babycoms - 'trying is here - is it a school day or a weekend (i.e. will we all play together or do they have to leave) - if she marries daddy she'll be our new mummy - no she'll be our stepmum - no she'll be our mum' etc etc.
• Asked DSD (3) not to throw all of the grapes out of the bedroom window as missiles ('your Daddy spends money on food for all of you, it's for eating not throwing out the window' yadda yadda) and she actually listened to me and stopped

There are lovely moments and they are lovely kids. The problems are all mine, more than likely - from no kids to 3 DSC in one fail swoop, argh!

Great to read everyone's posts.

Went shopping with DP and his DD (4) at the weekend, in the car park I said 'DSD hold someone's hand' and she held mine and told me she loves holding my hand.
Went to a nature reserve and she clambered all over me on a climbing frame, was a lovely giggling playful ball of loveliness.

My dss(15) came to spend the weekend with me and his siblings off his own accord just because he wanted to be around.

He also took the dc to the park and played with them all afternoon and hugged me on the sofa.

My DS is in his early 20s, he's been to uni (lived at home due to cost),got his degree and now in his first job and is living in our basement (ie downstairs bedroom)

We have had our moments, and more than a few bumpy bits along the way, but while I'm encouraging him to move out and get on with his life - he's saving up for deposit on a flat.

My DH, his Step father since he was 13, really, really is not ready for him to go. and gets very quiet and a bit sad every time the subject comes up.

currently he's talking to him about cars, and suggesting that he gets one before he moves out (ie takes him that bit longer to save up that deposit) :)

They talk, argue, play computer games together, DS asks him for advice, DH helps him out, cam to parents evenings, while he was at uni with proof reading, drafting his cv, all that sort of stuff.

He's never called him 'Dad', but gets him a fathers day card and he refers to us as 'my parents'

I told DSS off on Saturday. He did something he hasn’t done for ages which he knows is totally unacceptable. He said a very sheepish sorry and gave me a hug.
Then he bought me a bar of chocolate later on to say sorry because he wanted me to know he meant it.
On Sunday we all went bowling and all 4 of them played happily. No tantrums from DSD because she lost, no moaning from DSS because we could only fit in one game instead of the usual 2.
Seriously, if you could have seen these children 4 years ago you wouldn’t recognise them. They are lovely now – even though they do my head in at times I wouldn’t swap them.

My DSS is nearly 14 and has just got his first girlfriend, I've known him and his sister (nearly 11) for nearly 6 years. I am constantly on them about table manners. They eat like animals.

The other day he said 'SeaSalt I need to thank you.' When I asked what for he said 'for teaching me to eat properly and stuff. I was at my girlfriends house and her mum and dad were really impressed when I put my knife and fork together after eating'

I was deservedly smug haha

seasalt - if my DSS turns round and says that in a few years I'd be chuffed to bits. Some way to go though with his table manners....

Purpleroses - I very nearly did a victory dance. Instead I smiled serenely and said 'well done - keep it up'

Then I turned to my DSD and said 'eat with your mouth closed please'
haha

My DSD (3) and I sat on the sofa together yesterday for a lovely cuddle whilst we watched Up. I think her dad felt quite left out!

Was in the car with DP's DD(4) in the back seat all happily listening to the radio on the way to drop her off with her mum at a shopping centre when she came out with 'WestEast, I love you.' Totally out of the blue, never said it to me before and made me want to burst :D
Also said she'd had a really fun day, we went scootering, fed the ducks and had a determined picnic in our cagoules in the drizzle. Was pretty damn fun though.