DH challenging me when DSCs are here

[croquet]

Does anyone else have this - I find it so annoying.
We have a DS 2.5 and usually cooperate well looking after him. Both understand his lunch/milk/nap routines etc.
When DSCs are here suddenly my DH starts challenging me on our DS. 'Well why don't we let him skip his nap?'
'Why not let him stay up later?'
etc. in front of them.
Obviously all I can do is say no but if he talked to me about it in advance I could discuss it with him?
I've got no idea why he suddenly starts rocking the boat on our routine with our shared child when his other DCs turn up.

p.s. I would ask him but there's not really space to, and also because it's begun with a confrontation (from him) it will end up bickery.

If I asked him while his DC were here he'd make sure he raised it again in front of them -- seems to have no concept of adults work things out privately then present it to children as de facto.

Is he trying to show off in front of DSC? Does seeing them remind him of having 100% control as a single parent? I don't know, but am so pissed off having issues to do with routine brought up in front of bloody DSC. What are they going to think? Every time they start a normal day at ours there's a random power struggle.

Why don't you ask him just that?

Perhaps he feels your child isn't getting the same treatment as the others ?

That would be a legitimate concern if your dsc are around the same age and are getting a much better deal.

But if you've got a routine that works, why disrupt it and create a grumpy, tired child for the sake of what exactly?

Missed your ps!

Definitely tell him to stop disagreeing in front of the kids. Remind him who the adult is?

No the DSC are much older. I will tell him when they've gone. He's usually a lovely man but is like a toddler when DSC turn up. 'Why can't I...etc' making out I'm an iron-ruler over our little DC.

"Well, darling, if you really want to make DS miss his nap you can if you want to. But you will get scrag end of child in approximately 3 hours and you'll have merry hell trying to get him to eat his dinner, bathe him and then put him to bed. And during that time you won't be able to do anything with DSC. I, of course, will be out, meeting friends for coffee so won't be able to help you. Your call".

Haha ChinUp but seriously my DH is fearless. That would roll off his back/hint detector and he would simply escalate 'you're being so horrible why have you got to etc. etc. you always etc. etc. you never etc.'

It's like even the sight of DSC triggers memories of parental disharmony and he starts acting it out. Is that possible?

Croquet, that's definitely possible. Hell, this is the step-parenting board and you see everything here.....

The key is not to rise to it (obviously, sorry), but to ask him beforehand perhaps, before the DSC pitch up if that's what he wants to do. Maybe emphasize the fact that you are BOTH parents and this is his decision, too. So, for example, "DH last time DSC were here you said you wanted to let DS miss his nap. Was there some activity in particular you wanted him to do/take part in and do you want him to do it this time? I know we didn't agree before on this, but if you feel strongly that DS can go without, maybe we should try it?". Is it possible that your DH wasn't much involved in or cut out of the parenting of his DC when they were smaller? And now he wants to show that he's SuperDad?

Thanks for this measured response chin.

No, he wasn't cut out at all, but they certainly parented separately. I think he doesn't ever plan ahead (in fact hates it) but then in the morning faced with looking after DSCs and DS thinks 'oh I know it would be fun if we went out all day' etc. without having discussed it with me in advance. But obv. I want to know if my little DC is going out all day and where he's going etc. more than 5 mins before I leave for work.

AIBU?

No, you're not BU, but your DH is going to have to learn that it's actually quite difficult looking after a 2.5yo and older DCs for a whole day away from the house. They have different needs.

It sounds as though you have a DH of the "I won't be told" variety and providing you're comfortable that DH won't do anything recklessly stupid you should allow him to learn. It will only take one day for him to realise the utter foolishness of trying to make a toddler fit in with older DC activities with no nap time scheduled.

I'd go with it, I'm afraid, "oh, OK DH. Sounds like a great day. Remember that DS needs downtime of approx. x minutes - will you be able to do that OK with what you have planned?". And skip out the door to work. Your DS will be fine after a good night's sleep and your DH may then plan things a little differently and not give you a hard time in front of the DSCs. Which is a different matter again - and one that I would be discussing separately with him, as you don't want to be undermined in front of them. United front is always the best method in blended families, and one that he should be signed up to.

I can see where your dh is coming from . He wants to let all of his children spend as much time together whilst they can .

I can't also see the harm in breaking from the routine and letting your ds stay up later to be with his siblings.

I would guess he's doing it because when you just has have one child in the house it's easier to work everything around their routine. But when you have older ones too it's more difficult to do that without some compromises from everyone and that may include being more flexible about your 2yo's routine.

If he's looking after them all while you're out at work (did I read that right?) then leave him to it. He's a parent too. He can find out for himself what works best.

I would guess he's doing it because when you just has have one child in the house it's easier to work everything around their routine. But when you have older ones too it's more difficult to do that without some compromises from everyone and that may include being more flexible about your 2yo's routine.

If he's looking after them all while you're out at work (did I read that right?) then leave him to it. He's a parent too. He can find out for himself what works best.