Can't bring myself to like Step Son!

[fubar74]

Last time I posted, my marriage was just about hanging by a thread, SS had moved out and now has a place in a supervised accommodation, he acknowledges it was all his fault but things are still hard and awkward between us all, me and DH can't talk about him AT ALL, he is unbelievably defensive, but I know through his guard being broken down after having a few beers one night that he does think like me that his son isn't a nice person! We have found out that he is pretty much a wanted man-boy, he is a cyber bully (this has been going on years but is now being directed at everyone he knows and he is now being threatened online because of it) and to top it off I think he is secretly telling tales to his younger brothers in private making them hate their dad and voicing it online while backing his dad and me in public... attention seeking at the worst possible level if you ask me.

Now he had a 'gig' with college (he plays the guitar) and the invitation was extended to me too, but I pulled out at the last minute feeling physically sick at the thought of supporting the horrible little monster.

I know it sounds severe but if he was mine I'd go to town on him, but daddy still defends him.

Kaluki, no unfortunately he has not apologised and this is where it hurts, his dad has told me he doesn't believe he should make him as he had the ultimate punishment, being told to leave! I have struggled so much with my relationship over this and still here I am and still being persecuted for feeling the way I do

Kaluki, no unfortunately he has not apologised and this is where it hurts, his dad has told me he doesn't believe he should make him as he had the ultimate punishment, being told to leave! I have struggled so much with my relationship over this and still here I am and still being persecuted for feeling the way I do

Ever

Damn phone! disregard last post thank you

So he isn't sorry then is he?
You are quite right at this point to have nothing to do with him.
What your DH does is up to him (and he will suffer the consequences of his crap parenting for a long time) but you need to look out for yourself and you shouldn't be made to feel bad for having nothing to do with this nasty, disturbed boy.

I am glad you have piped up Kaluki as no one else here seems to remember my intial posts.

well DH knows my stance on his 'parenting' skills I am not backward in coming forwards and especially not when I have been hurt so much in such a short space of time, TBH its DH actions or his inactions that have hurt the most not SS's

Exactly. Your DP is the one who should have your back and stand up for you. 'D'SS is a product of his parenting and at the moment you and your dc need to be protected from him.

This all hurts so damn much, I could say 'why me?' but then, why anyone else either? no one should have to feel second class!

Unless you are a step parent of course.
Then your place is firmly at the bottom!
Have a on me!!!

Have a on me too. You have done the right things to start with, it is two way thing and not just 'take'from one side.

Thank you Ladies, I think I'm gonna need one!

I am sorry-your situation is entirely different. I just get riled by sweeping statements that most step parents don't like their step children -which is very unfair, when many love them (and that can go down badly with the mother too! A step parent's place appears to be in the wrong).

Its ok Satin, completely understand, yes there are many heartless people out there and children shouldn't have to bear the brunt. I think its easier at the minute to just keep my distance then nothing can come of it

It doesn't come from you, furbar, it comes from the threads like the ones where there are a family of 4 and the grandmother misses out the older child and just gives her blood grandchild, and the parents, a present. You think 'where has the Christmas spirit gone' .
You can't be expected to be on the end of appalling behaviour and just take it. Normal parents don't. Unconditional love doesn't mean being a doormat with no feelings!

Thats horrible you can't do that! I didn't and yes I don't like the lad but I didn't miss him out

I actually buy my mother-in-laws foster children too all out of my own pocket so I can't be that bad of a person

Fubar My initial post was harsh and was fuelled mainly by the language you chose to use (monster etc) and by the ridiculous posts that followed from other posters about not ever wanting step children etc

The situation that you find yourself in is hideous and it does sound like you need a large and you are absolutely right to be protecting yourself and the other children.

However, I would go to the gig. I would go along and enjoy an evening out with your dh and when your ss is on stage either go to the loo etc or just MN on your phone and do not engage at all with his performance. It will make a much clearer statement than just not going.

It sounds like your ss has some serious mental health issues and I think it would be advantageous if one of his parents involved the mental health services if only for counselling, having an upbringing like he has had must have been horrific and whilst he must take full ownership for his behaviour now, his past cannot be forgotten and he may need a way to work this through.

In your position I don't think I could have ever married a man that had bought a child up so poorly that he behaved the way your ss is now, especially when it is quite clear that your dh either doesn't care about how his son is behaving and feels his behaviour is ok or he doesn't care enough about you, your children or his son top want to man up and do something about it.

I could never be with a man (and I use that word very loosely) like that.

Just in case someone is reading this and wondering why I am commenting (I'm not a regular on the step board) then I will quickly point out that I am a stepchild with both a stepmum and stepdad, I have a son with my first husband who now has a long time girlfriend that acts as stepmum to him, my DH is stepdad to DS1 and I am a stepmum to my two beautiful DD's (dh's from a previous relationship).

So I pretty much have experience in every possible aspect of the step relationship

Thank you for that but I didn't know him as a father before and I think there is distinct possibility he was different with them Pre-me, I think he is frightened of pushing him away now mother wants nothing to do with him, I wonder why???

I agree with Jacqueline, I did what you shouldn't do, deflected from OP, which is a real problem, because of posts from people who say you don't marry the children etc. and I can't imagine living in a house where you know that one of the adults would prefer you not to exist.

Oh dear wonderbarbara you are obviously one of the "hug a hoodie" brigade.

Fubar has told us that the DSS's behaviour is vile, bullying and he does choose to behave like that, you know, he is an adult. Now it oh dear poor boy, well bugger that for a game of soldiers, there comes a point when enough is enough. People of his age do need to know they are accountable for their actions and there are consequences.

Fubar you have a lot of support here, especially over Christmas when these family situations become unbearable because you end up being artificially forced together. You sound strong and together. Good for you x

Wonderbarbara I was making a point that I don't forget ANY of them fostered, step or anything. get a grip!!

Plus the fact that I did want everything to do with him, I don't want my DH not to and I do want him to be helped but I can't as I'm on the fecking outside of this situation