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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Can't bring myself to like Step Son!

100 replies

fubar74 · 19/12/2013 12:38

Last time I posted, my marriage was just about hanging by a thread, SS had moved out and now has a place in a supervised accommodation, he acknowledges it was all his fault but things are still hard and awkward between us all, me and DH can't talk about him AT ALL, he is unbelievably defensive, but I know through his guard being broken down after having a few beers one night that he does think like me that his son isn't a nice person! We have found out that he is pretty much a wanted man-boy, he is a cyber bully (this has been going on years but is now being directed at everyone he knows and he is now being threatened online because of it) and to top it off I think he is secretly telling tales to his younger brothers in private making them hate their dad and voicing it online while backing his dad and me in public... attention seeking at the worst possible level if you ask me.

Now he had a 'gig' with college (he plays the guitar) and the invitation was extended to me too, but I pulled out at the last minute feeling physically sick at the thought of supporting the horrible little monster.

I know it sounds severe but if he was mine I'd go to town on him, but daddy still defends him.

OP posts:
ReluctantStepMum · 20/12/2013 00:24

It seems to be a common theme that SMs do not take easily to their SCs. I have had 2 of them live with us FT since February and I can honestly say this has been the worst year of my married life. I have done bugger all about Xmas, and have been Ill more times this year than I dare to think.

I feel for you OP, it is an extremely tough journey, and not many people understand that. I could cope with EOW step parenting, but having them FT is doing my head in. i have the same problem with Daddy defending their actions. Man up Men!

JumpingJackSprat · 20/12/2013 00:28

I'm normally the first one to defend step parents but I don't like your post. I'm not surprised your husband is defending his son faced with this coming from you. I don't think any of us know enough to judge the situation but that was my initial thoughts.

Perhaps · 20/12/2013 00:47

You don't know what children are going to throw at you through life, step parent or not. My Dh took on 6 of mine and my god they have made him weep. One of my Ds's is in sheltered accommodation, has a history of violent phycotic behaviour caused by drug abuse and we both still stand by him and support him even with police involvement as parents step or real.

You have to accept that the child came before you and no matter how bad it gets parents don't easily give up on their children, step adopted or otherwise.

Bite the bullet go to the gig and start making an effort, eventually they will realise what you are doing for them.

Monty27 · 20/12/2013 00:54

I know people that love their stepchildren very much.

I had a dp who couldn't stand my teen ds, my ds was very difficult at the time agreed, I found it hard to love him myself at times, but I didn't want negativity around my dcs so dumped the dp. Things are so much better with ds now. And I was absolutely in love with DP at the time. I've a lot to be thankful for from mumsnet :)

Go figure.

Original poster
fubar74 · 20/12/2013 03:45

Well considering my DH stayed when I showed him the door after his son became abusive towards me says a hell of a lot

OP posts:
Original poster
fubar74 · 20/12/2013 03:47

See the only ones who truly understand are those that have Been there I didn't expect this to be easy

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 20/12/2013 04:09

Has your DH been shown proof of what his son has been doing in terms of the cyber bullying? Has he spoken To Teachers/school about the behaviour? I don't imagine it all started very recently.

I would say, from your posts, that the problem líes with your DH. That's not To say that you shouldn't be involved or that it isn't effecting you.

You say you showed him the door and he stayed. Did you tell him To leave or tell him To make a choice. If you told him To leave and he stayed then he is never going To listen To you, or Anyone else who dares tell him what he doesn't To hear.

It's tough on all DCs when the parent's relationship fails, so some are always going To act out To varying degrees. It really is up To the parents To sort the issues and problems. Is his mother in the picture at all?

For the récord I don't hate my stepson, neither do my DDs.

daisychain01 · 20/12/2013 06:22

To be honest, i think most of us dont really like our step children

Unfortunately you just have to put up with them

Noaddedsuga please speak for yourself, there are many SMs that post to this site that love and like their DSCs. You have no knowledge of "most of us". I feel sorry for you that you have such a jaundiced view, and for your DSCs!

fubar its an awful situation you are faced with. Your DSSs behaviour at that age sounds out of control and probably very little you can do to influence any change. Probably you are on a hiding to nothing trying to change things.

There is probably a whole load of history as to why his behaviour is awful, that you cant go into on this threas ...cant you just detach? You mentioned your marriage has suffered, is that because of all this?

Iris445 · 20/12/2013 06:35

Only time will help, that and him sorting himself out. Hopefully he will resolve his issues.

I think biological parents will always feel differently, you have to support your children even when you don't like them. ( often we are all they have and ultimately we always feel responsible for how they turned out)

I think it's ok to explain to your DH that you need time and that you will support his decision to help his son but that you want not to be involved for a while.

Work on loosing the anger, if he turns around you want to be ready to accept him back.

randomAXEofkindness · 20/12/2013 06:59

Children have a right to unconditional love from their own parents, and it's very sad when they don't get it. They do not have a right to expect unconditional love from anybody else. If you are a cruel shit, your mum and dad are probably still going to love you, and that is fair, but nobody else is, and that is fair.

From what the op says about her ss's behaviour regarding cyber bullying, her opinion of him sounds like a reasonable age appropriate response to his behaviour.

Do the people here think that they are entitled to support and love from the people around them even if they behave cruelly? Because if they expect for themseves what they claim to be offering their sc's, they aren't as wonderfully superior as they seem to think they are; they're self entitled, and idiotic if they think that it isn't going to come back and bite everyone on the arse, including their sc's.

Fragglewump · 20/12/2013 07:13

Personally I would go to the gig as I would want to feel that if my ss offered any kind of olive branch I would take it to show my support for him. We have problems with ss too but I try all the time to be the better person. I tell myself if I can't act better than a difficult teen my bar must be pretty low! I hope things improve for you op I feel your pain and your post could be a vision of my own future....

SatinSandals · 20/12/2013 07:26

I think that is a terrible attitude NoAddedSuga and I would always have put my children first- you would have long gone!
I can see why OP doesn't want to go, but when she married her DH she got his son for life so I would meet any olive branch half way. Of course the father is going to be defensive, you don't cast off your child.

MrsBucketxx · 20/12/2013 07:43

Op I wouldn't go either, bullying is not acceptable EVER, people die because of it,

In my eyes going along condones his terrible behaviour, I would tell your dh you will ve more involved when he changes his ways.

MrsBucketxx · 20/12/2013 07:45

Satin she married her husband not the ss.

SatinSandals · 20/12/2013 07:51

My DH married me but my son wasn't an option! He has my son for life and has to have a relationship with him, my love for my son is unconditional and we will be seeing him a lot. I am not seeing my son on my own. My son will be staying in our house for Christmases etc when he wishes to come.If he had NoAddedSuga's attitude I would have ditched him long before marriage! If you don't want the child then don't have the partner.

SatinSandals · 20/12/2013 07:53

If you force most parents into a choice they will choose their child.

SatinSandals · 20/12/2013 07:55

They don't disappear when aged 18yrs! My son is now 31yrs and a huge part of our lives and always will be, despite living several hundred miles away.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 20/12/2013 07:57

Satin she married her husband not the ss.

That simply isn't true - they came as a package.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 20/12/2013 07:58

Anyway, it is perfectly acceptable not to like someone; we can't like everyone we meet. However, in certain circumstances it is necessary to hide this fact and this is one such time.

fireandlife · 20/12/2013 08:01

Children need unconditional love from their parents. That is why being a step parent and a step child is so difficult. Without unconditional love as the bedrock for every parenting decision made it is hard to know what to do. Imagine he is your own child who you love beyond measure, then you will know that whichever decision you make will be the best you could do.

SatinSandals · 20/12/2013 08:01

I am glad I am not the only one to think that! My DH didn't simply marry me, he got my son, my mother, my siblings, aunts etc etc etc and no e were optional. It wasn't a secret, he knew what he was getting and if he didn't like he needed to call it a day and move on. It is a very controlling person who expects to change things. He did marry my son, we came together.

SatinSandals · 20/12/2013 08:04

You do need to hide any negative feelings. Love for children is unconditional but love for partners is conditional, at least as far as I am concerned. However much I love a partner he would have to go if he didn't accept my children, warts and all!

Timetoask · 20/12/2013 08:19

Well, if the boy is so horrid, then I would be worried about the parenting skills of your husband. I really think that parents should have the greatest influence in shaping their child's emotional core.
Maybe that's why your dh is always defending SS, it's a reflection on his useless parenting skills.

MrsBucketxx · 20/12/2013 08:40

Satin are you not your own person? , your child will grow up and leave in the end (they all do) then your left with your husband.

You shouldn't expect another person to love your children as much as you.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 20/12/2013 09:03

You shouldn't expect another person to love your children as much as you

I don't expect anyone to love them as much as I do but I would certainly expect them to accept and respect my children as they'll be in my life for a very long time and that's non-negotiable.

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