Can't bring myself to like Step Son!

[fubar74]

Last time I posted, my marriage was just about hanging by a thread, SS had moved out and now has a place in a supervised accommodation, he acknowledges it was all his fault but things are still hard and awkward between us all, me and DH can't talk about him AT ALL, he is unbelievably defensive, but I know through his guard being broken down after having a few beers one night that he does think like me that his son isn't a nice person! We have found out that he is pretty much a wanted man-boy, he is a cyber bully (this has been going on years but is now being directed at everyone he knows and he is now being threatened online because of it) and to top it off I think he is secretly telling tales to his younger brothers in private making them hate their dad and voicing it online while backing his dad and me in public... attention seeking at the worst possible level if you ask me.

Now he had a 'gig' with college (he plays the guitar) and the invitation was extended to me too, but I pulled out at the last minute feeling physically sick at the thought of supporting the horrible little monster.

I know it sounds severe but if he was mine I'd go to town on him, but daddy still defends him.

daisychain01, I have detached somewhat but xmas is coming up, I have done all the shopping etc, and I am supporting DH how I can, it my own feelings I'm troubled with. Yes history is a big part but I feel DH does little to counter apart from telling him he'll get a hiding off someone if he continues

are you not your own person?

Of course I am my own person but the fact is that, insofar as relationships are concerned, I come as a family unit.

Iris445, I understand biological parents have different views of course I do to but I believe that I would be handling things very differently and sometimes feel that I am not the one being supported, I was extremely defensive of their behaviour before he came to live with us and it all went very wrong in a very short space of time and it seems to be getting worse, no lessons are being learned and I can't be part of that failure unfortunately

randomAXEofkindness, Thank you for putting some context into things due to his age etc. I think I have a right to protect myself and my own two children (who are older than he but would be in a worse position if it were to all go wrong i.e. criminal records etc. through his lying and attention seeking)

MrsBucketxx, what you have said is exactly my feelings to a T, I just can't be part of his life if he is like this, bullying and especially the type he is involved in will cost someone their lives and some other parents their child

when I married DH his children were not in the picture and hadn't been since we got together (mummy wouldn't allow her ex to have a new life!)

SatinSandals, I did explain to DH that if I were to make him choose he would obviously choose his son, but he could have both but we needed to separated out for now, it was destroying everyone, he chose to stay because we had built a life, but his son is still very much a part of his, just not mine at the minute, its all still very raw

Timetoask, he is a reflection of being brought up with a wicked horrible mother who uses blackmail and her kids against everyone who dares to go against her, they all lie and cheat and blame everyone else for their failings, I just think that DH doesn't have a clue and wouldn't hear of me advising him, I have been a single parent with a disney dad to contend with at weekends and holidays so I think I should know a few things by now about how to parent a difficult child, because I have one myself (although now 20 years old and very much a decent young man).

I don't make it obvious how I feel about DSS but I am struggling and when more crap comes out I feel even less for him, I think about my own daughter and how it would be if she was being cyber bullied in the way he is doing to others, I think his dad and family need to stop pussy footing around and get a grip of him before its too late, but I am not part of that circle, I am still an outsider regardless of being married to his Father

MrsBucketxx, "You shouldn't expect another person to love your children as much as you"

we have discussed this (he and DH) and both agree you can't love another person's child the way you do, we both understand that, but I am not going to walk on eggshells in my own home, or have my own children feel they don't belong here, DH made his choice to keep both, but with restrictions -for now

Me* and Dh i mean

I do understand that, but as you have him for life I would take the olive branch.

Satin are you not your own person? , your child will grow up and leave in the end (they all do) then your left with your husband

No I am not. I have a huge extended family and circle of friends that I am not giving up because DH might not happen to like them!
They have all gone now and DH and I are perfectly happy on our own. However DCs come back-I am spending Christmas with 2 of them - and they need to all get on. They will be able to come home whenever they wish and we will go and stay with them. I couldn't contemplate DH moaning because he had to have them stay or expecting me to go off and see them on my own.
He knew them all before we married-that was the time to get out if he didn't like it.
At the same time he has extended family and friends and we are all part of that. They don't distinguish between blood and step and of course I see them without DH sometimes. He sees his step son without me sometimes, as he does the rest of the family.
We don't live in each other's pockets but neither do we have atmospheres and the feeling that you 'have' to put up with someone.

Just because I have posted here saying I am having a hard time 'liking' my SS doesn't mean I am being cruel to him or showing him I can't stand him I have bought him stuff, I have helped out his father, I have done everything for xmas for him in regards to SS, so I am not being cruel by feeling a feeling that any one of you could in the future

I have to defend fubar a bit here. I knew a boy who was and still is an utter monster. He's 18 now and I've loathed and detested him (because of what he does) since he was 10. As far as I'm concerned he is pure evil.

Luckily I'm not related to him but if I'd been unfortunate enough to be lumbered with him as a step son I really don't think I could have hidden my disgust and contempt for him one iota.

It's easy to say in a very detached way that all bullies are probably victims of something themselves blah blah and we should be supporting 'troubled' and troublesome young people to become better, but sometimes the simple fact is that they are so thoroughly unlikable and undeserving of our sympathies that we can't even pretend to care any more.

But at least they still have their actual parents to do that, and to try to see the best in them in spite of all evidence to the contrary.

SatinSandals, I really really hope this is how we can eventually have things here, but we are at the beginning of a very long a d dark road at the minute, I don't want to not like him, his brothers are going the same way, posting hateful spiteful things about DH online, its going to a long time before anything will be back to nearly normal, our lives have been turned upside down over the past 6 months, in one way I am glad I married DH because otherwise it would have been so much easier for either of us to walk away, this way we are fighting

But if you felt like that YoDiggity then don't marry the father!
I am not having anyone who feels they are 'lumbered' with my son!
I think you are doing a good job,fubar, you can't change your feelings but you can hide them.Going to the gig would be part of it.

Sorry furbar-I shouldn't be giving you a hard time-obviously it is a very difficult situation and you are to be commended for not walking away and you have obviously tried-I expect there is a limit. You could just say that you are not quite ready to accept olive branches but give it time.......

YoDiggity, thank you for that post, I know people can change but I think the damage is already done, and is continuing by the behaviour of his own family towards his antics. I do keep hoping for a reprieve and his attitude changes but I am not holding out for it. I can only take each day as it presents itself and deal with the fallout the only way I know how.

He is supposed to be seeing a counsellor at college but he is clever enough to do and say whatever is necessary, he has faked fainting on more than one occasion there, we know this as true because he refuses to 'wake' until there are police and ambulance crews surrounding him, he gets taken to A&E dad gets called and there is nothing wrong with him, they can't find a single reason for it.

Satin, thanks yes I think I just need time and sometimes need to spit it out before it chokes me

I wouldn't expect my DH to accept rude, antisocial or illegal behaviour in our home from my DD. he's not her Dad, he has no responsibility towards her and he has his own DCs who should be his priority.

If I were the OPs DH and had decided to stay with DH in the circumstances the OP described then I would accept the OPs disengagement and parent my troubled DC the best I could. I would welcome, but not expect the OPs support.

It sounds like the OPs DH wants it all his own way and is demanding the OP accept his DS regardless of her own feelings.

He is quite understanding of how things are having to be I just don't know for how long, I want to make things better for his sake but thats not going to happen while he's being Molly-coddled

satinsandels, trust me, if my husband had the same selfish attitude as you, he would not be my husband. It comes across loud and clear that you are protecting your own ego and preferences, not your son's wellbeing. You are saying that no matter how your husband is treated, he should put up and shut up, or leave. That's ea, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Do you show your husband in other ways 'where he stands'? Or is this enough to make him toe the line?

Do you show your husband in other ways 'where he stands'? Or is this enough to make him toe the line?

No. He saw it all beforehand -all I am saying is that if he didn't like it then he shouldn't have got into it.There is only one point, I come with a child who isn't cut off at 18yrs.
It all works fine-since we have been happily married, with give and take for 25 years, neither have had an issue with it. You can't marry someone and expect them to change their unconditional love for your children. I will always be there for mine, whatever.
I do apologise to furbar because she obviously has a very complex situation and is powerless in it. Although you take on a partner with children you do have to work as a team and the step parent has to have a say. Her DH isn't coping at all and it must be hard to sit back and be expected to take it. I do take issue with people who expect the step parent to leave it all to the natural parent, if it affects them then of course they have a huge say in their own home.
A lot of furbar's problem is her DH who isn't facing up to reality and dealing with it. Sometimes love has to be very tough.

I remember your previous thread. Glad that he has moved out.
He sounds vile and a product of a shit upbringing and no doubt in 10-15 years time a lot of the SMs on here will be facing the same problems as you are now as lots of us with younger dsc struggle now with Disney parenting and all that comes with it.

I don't blame you for not going to his gig. Why condone his behaviour.
Has he apologised to you or shown any remorse?

So, SatinSandals

"[My husband] has my son for life and has to have a relationship with him", "My son will be staying in our house for Christmases etc when he wishes to come."

then:

"if it affects [the stepparent] then of course they have a huge say in their own home..."

"My DH didn't simply marry me, he got my son, my mother, my siblings, aunts[!] etc etc etc and no e were optional. It wasn't a secret, he knew what he was getting and if he didn't like he needed to call it a day and move on"

then:

"There is only one point, I come with a child who isn't cut off at 18yrs."

I've got a feeling that you don't know what you are trying to say, I don't know how I'm meant to.

I know exactly what I am trying to say! It has worked fine without the slightest problem.