New house - bedroom allocation

[DLCC]

Hi there

We are all moving in together in January, I have my sons (9&4) most of the time apart from EOW when they are with their Dad, my partner has his boys (10&8) 50% of the time. We will have four bedrooms and so two boys will have to share. I was thinking that as his boys are with us 50% of the time that they would share a room, as they do now at my partners house. We had thought of putting the two older ones together as they are in the same school year but as they are at different schools to my boys will have to get up earlier on school days and when mine have inset days, as they start earlier. However my partner is saying that they have never had their own rooms while living with him so it would be nice for them to have their own rooms, ‘as they do at their Mums’.

I’m not really sure of the best way forward and any help would be appreciated...

Many thanks

I think it would be silly to have 50% of the bedrooms in your house being unused 50% of the time! That's what it would be if his two had their own rooms.

Why should your boys share a room when they are there more often and his boys get their own rooms. The fact they have their own rooms at their mums has nothing to do with what happens in your house, apart from you DP thinking of it competitively.

It depends how large the rooms are though. If one large room and two small (thinking of the 3 kids rooms minus yours) then his boys could have the small rooms and have their own and yours have the large Jared room. Or if two larger rooms and one small each pair of boys could share a later room and they could have the small/box room as a computer/games/tv room- mine would love that!

Have you asked them all what they would ideally like? You may find one or two of them would actually rather share a room and not want to be on their own given the choice. That may make things much easier for you.

I'm not sure what the answer is, but I just wanted to point out that under your partner's logic, your boys should have their own room apiece as well, as his boys do at their own mum's house. Your boys currently share at their dad's, and apparently your partner is suggesting that they also share at yours - while his boys have their own rooms at their mum's, and he's proposing they also have their own rooms while at the new shared house.

Is this right? Because if so then his logic really makes no sense, and the outcome isn't equitable for the four boys.

This is a really tricky issue and there are no easy answers, but I don't think your partner is being especially fair here.

I would suggest they take it in turns to have their own rooms - and everyone swaps round every 6 months. It's the only fair way, bar building an extension to the house, or a tent in the garden.

What do your boys do currently with you and what do they do at their Dad's?

Based on what you have said above, it sounds like your DP is already prioritising his kids over yours before you have even moved in together.

If they have their own rooms at Mums 50% of the time, this means that 2 rooms at yours would be empty for 50% of the time whilst your boys would have to share. I don't think that's very fair on your kids.

Personally I think the fair thing would be for the 2 youngest to share in the biggest room as the two eldest boys will be growing older and want their own space. This also means that both the youngest get their own room 50% of the time and both the eldest get their own room all the time (with the exception maybe of the time at your ex's?).

With regards to different school times, you may need to think about routines in the mornings and this might mean that 1 child is expected to leave their clothes etc in the bathroom the night before so that they don't disturb the remaining child.

Thanks all, you're right though re the rooms being empty 50% of the time, I hadn't thought of that....

My boys currently have their own rooms at mine, his share at his. So would I be wrong in thinking that they should carry on as normal?

We are lucky enough to have a room in the loft that has been all boarded out, decorated and have power up there so that will in effect be a play/games room.

My eldest has said he would like to share but if he does I think he should share with my youngest as they're at the same school so will be getting up at the same time whereas his will be getting up earlier?

unless dsc needed own room (boy/girl) then they should share, there only there half the time, plus hav there own room/space at home with there mum.
ur dc who live with u should get there own rooms., its a no brainer

I think the swapping around idea is a good one. I remember my two cousins did this as in their house one bedroom was a boxroom and the other one was huge. They were only a year apart in age. Every year or so they swapped rooms, it worked fine.

Hiya - novel solution here: they all share! i.e. your two share and his two share and hey presto you have a new guest room/office!

i would put your eldest in with his eldest as they are the same age/school year (the rare times one has a lie in and the other doesn't should n't stop this arrangement, the one getting up will just have to be quiet or at a push, that night sleep in other one rooms!). Then the other two have their own rooms. Make sure this is the largest room.

This means that while you have your DSS 50% of the time, your eldest will have his own room 50% of the time and not have to share all the time, also if your DSs go to their dads every other weekend, does that mean that sometimes your DSSs are with you when your DSs are at their dads? In which case sometimes they will also have their own room at yours.

If you make yours share and his two have their own rooms, this means that all the times your DSs will have to share and his DSs will never have to share, I don't see how that's fair...

And agree, if they are happy to do it, maybe reassess every year (every 6 months will be a faff!).

Also make sure all the bedrooms are decorated plainly (with only accessories like bed linen or lightshades to have any sort of theme/pattern) so if you do rejig regularly, you don't end up in a couple of years time with a teenager in a room all decorated with dinosaurs or something equally childish and asking you to redo it all again...

We had a similar issue. My logic is that if my stepsons have their own rooms at our house and their mum's, there will always be two empty bedrooms in one house which seems wasteful.

They share at the moment (9 and 11) but I'm hoping we can save for a loft conversion in the next couple of years.

We also have a conservatory which we turned into a famy room so if they need space, one can be in their room and the other can be in the conservatory.

I think it would be fair to let yours have their own rooms on the grounds that:
a) it's their main home where most of their stuff is presumably kept
b) they don't have separate rooms at their dad's.

That means that all 4 of your boys have their own room at their mum's house, and share with their brother at their dad's which is fair.

But if your eldest is keen to share, then you could take him up on this. Who does he want to share with? Could you offer them the largest room between then? There's quite an age gap between your two and in a few years time it will probably feel a lot larger

My DS (nearly 14) shares with DSS (11), though because DSS isn't with us in the week, DS has the room to himself quite a bit of the time. DSS was initially really keen to share with my DS, though now that DS is getting older he's less happy about it, would like more privacy and is quite impatient for my DSD to move out so that he can have her room instead!

another thought, if you are going to have times when your DSSs are there but your DSs aren't, then it might be best to have one from each pair in the shared room so that there's never the situation where two children are sharing a room while their step-brothers are at their other parent's house the other rooms empty - that would be as annoying for your DSSs as for your DSs. (Please ignore if the 50% of time you have your DSSs never falls on times when your DSs are at your exH's)

Dontmind - that's what we do, and it does make maximum use of the rooms as we only have anyone sharing when all the DCs are with us and both the sharers get the rooms to themselves some of the time. They also don't get on top of each other quite as much as full siblings do I think as they get a break from each other when they're off with their other parents.

Agree with purple roses - if both your ds have their own room at yours and share at their dads, and then your dss share at yours but have their own rooms at their mums. That way each boy has a space, wherever it may be, that is just theirs, which will be more and more important as they grow up. X

I think the 4 year old should deffinitely have his own room. A five year age difference will really start to show if he shares with his brother.

I would suggest the three eldest are asked what they think and if they can't agree you could put there names in a hat?

Do any of the room have an en suite? If so, could that be the shared room.

If you put some great space saving furniture in the room to be shared it might make it a more attractive to whoever shares.

We moved a lot and I was always suprised how little my DCs cared which room they had and whether they were sharing or not.

Actually, I think I need more info Just how big are the rooms

The getting up earlier for school thing unless it is a couple of hours is not an issue. My dc could sleep through a bomb, if they wake up a bit earlier then they can have more chill time in the morning. I would either have the 2 eldest and 2 youngest sharing then nobody is having to share 100% of the time or put a bed in the attic/playroom for the eldest or whoever wants to sleep up there.

So your dc's loose out because his dc's will be there 50% of the time?

Not a chance.

If his children have priority of a bedroom each, then he can stump up all the extra costs of having 5 bedrooms.

How about both sets of brothers share a room and you keep the smallest room spare?

Otherwise, your boys should have the individual rooms as they are there more and have a larger age gap.

I have to say I think my solution would be that they both share with the spare room being used as office or play room

Whether they share with their immediate siblings or step siblings would depend on the relations between them

Thank you for all your advice, I'm finding this board really helpful.

So, to answer some of your questions there are two big doubles and two single bedrooms with a play/games room in the loft. What we have decided is that the two youngest (8&4) will have the two singles and the two eldest (10&9) will share. My eldest (9) is happy with this arrangement. DP did try and say last night that his eldest (10) gets his own room at his Mum's and is going to have to share at ours but I used the line of two rooms being empty 50% of the time and my eldest will be sharing at his Dad's AND at mine. I think there is an element of competing with his ex and I'm sure his DS's share at their Mums but he doesn't seem to think so....

Anyway, it's going to be a huge learning curve and I'm not expecting it all to be an easy ride. Thanks for all the advice and no doubt I will be back!!

Your boys should get their own rooms and dss should share. All have their own room at one of the houses.

I seriously cba to swap around.

I think you made the right decision. It's good of your oldest that he is being so reasonable. I think it makes a lot of sense to let the two youngest have their own rooms.

Fingers crossed for the future, I hope it all works out well.

The kids that are there the most should have their own rooms. Or if your husband is that keen on them not sharing give up your bedroom and sleep downstairs. We have had to do it, it's not ideal but that way it's fair on everyone.