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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Did I handle this wrong?

73 replies

TheMumsRush · 02/12/2013 07:26

I'm at risk of outing myself here but don't care and can't give half a story. Yesterday something happened that has caused me to wake up still angry and can't talk in RL. Here goes........I have a dss and dsd, dsd is 7. I have a jewellery box that belonged to my mother who sadly has passed, it contains all her jewellery (nothing of mine). I've told dsd she is not to go into it in the passed, dh has said the same. Only this's weekend on sat (I was out) dh saw her with her fingers in it and told her again not to touch it. I saw her on Sunday doing the same and told her not to touch it. She asked about the jewellery in it, do I wear it, I said no as it was my mums and very special to me and wouldn't want to loose it. The day goes on.

In the last hour before the kids go home, I go into their room and see my mums engagement ring in the toy cupboard!. I was very anger and asked dsd why it was in there, I said, she knew not to take it. I got no response as she was upset.

Dh told her to say sorry but it was way too soon for me to hear it and told her so. The kids then went home. I told dh he is to tell their mum what happened as I found it serious enough that I thought she needed to hear from both parents that what she had done is wrong. When dh got back he said he had told their mum about it but when I asked about her response, I wasn't satisfied the gravity of it was put across. He called her just to give a bit more info (she would have needed it) and to reiterate what had happened.

It turned into us questioning her parenting, us having issues with dsd , and ended up loosing sight! I don't quite know where it's all come from as I was under the impression things were better.

Was I wrong to want dsd mum to be involved? I can't understand mums anger?

I'd like to say, if this had happened at the beginning of our time we would have delt with it, but as it happened in the last hour I felt it needed to be followed through. Please be kind

OP posts:

Morgause · 02/12/2013 07:40

She's only 7 and she loves sparkly things. She shouldn't have done it but your reaction is way over the top. You're an adult and should be able to contain your feelings better. To deny an offered apology from a child of 7 and you're an adult because you were "hurt" is an awful thing to do.

If it matters that much to you put it where she can't find it. I can understand why her mother thought it wasn't that big a deal and getting upset.

Original poster

TheMumsRush · 02/12/2013 07:43

I'd like to add, when mum told us the response she got from dsd, dh clarified a few things and we got "well I wasn't there" which is not the point and doesn't change the facts. That's when it descended in to accusations of us question her parenting

OP posts:

Morgause · 02/12/2013 07:50

I think maybe she feels you both over reacted. She doesn't think it's that big a thing but your DH's insistence that it was made her feel he thought she should feel the same and if she doesn't she's a poor parent.

SoupDragon · 02/12/2013 07:53

we got "well I wasn't there" which is not the point

Yes it is the point. The mother wasn't there and can not really deal with it - that is a job of her father and you, the people who were there.

Personally, I think you are over reacting. The child is 7 - old enough to understand, yes, but still young enough not to be able to control themselves all the time.

You should have accepted her apology rather than sulking about it being "too soon" - you are the adult here.

Maybe sit down and show her all the jewellery one day and talk about what it means to you. Then put it away where she can't find it. A prohibited box of sparkly things is probably too much to ignore for a 7 year old and they really have no concept of value - perhaps liken it to something she treasures - "This is as special to me as XXX is to you - imagine if you lost XXX."

Original poster

TheMumsRush · 02/12/2013 07:55

I am not accepting age as an excuse, she was told only three hours previous

OP posts:

Tabby1963 · 02/12/2013 08:01

She asked about the jewellery in it, do I wear it, I said no as it was my mums and very special to me and wouldn't want to loose it.

When she asked you about the jewellery was the point you could have sat with her for a few minutes taking out the pieces carefully and talking about them with her, maybe letting her hold them or wear them for a moment. You could have talked about your mum, it could have been a special moment for you both. Or maybe you could have arranged to do this at another time.

I am sorry you have been made so upset by this incident, but as other posters have said, you overreacted. What's really made you upset about this? Who are you really angry with? I cannot be a little girl, surely?

I hope you can sort this out as a family, and move forward.

Tuckshop · 02/12/2013 08:01

I'm not sure why you needed to involve her mum at all. Xh and his gf have tried this and I was bemused. I can't get involved in something that I wasn't around for. If it happens at his then its for them to deal with.

fuzzywuzzy · 02/12/2013 08:04

OP her age is an excuse she is too young to comprehend sentimental value.

You should accept her apology when It was given and either lock yor bedroom door or hide the box.

You have to let it go if you want a positive relationship with yur SC.

Original poster

TheMumsRush · 02/12/2013 08:04

I've stated why I wanted mum to know what had happened.

I was not ready to hear sorry two minuets after it happened. I'm sure many mums have said "go to your room, I dont want to talk to you right now".

OP posts:

claraschu · 02/12/2013 08:04

Think of all the stories and fairy tales that deal with people who can't resist forbidden objects, starting with Adam and Eve, Orpheus, Pandora, and the list goes on and on.

You should put your treasure box where she can't possibly see it, or you should tell her all about it and let her hold and wear it with you there to supervise. If you want to, you could lovingly share how special this jewellery is with her; she would probably respect and treasure that.

If it is forbidden and within reach, it is human nature to be too curious.

MuffCakes · 02/12/2013 08:05

I don't understand why you haven't just moved it out of sight if it's that important to you.

Original poster

TheMumsRush · 02/12/2013 08:06

It's been there for months with no reason for me to move it. I've have spoken to her about my mum before when she kept bringing up the fact that she is dead so she knows how much it means to me

OP posts:

Morgause · 02/12/2013 08:06

I don't think many mums have turned away an apology from a child, actually. I never have and never would.

You asked if you handled it wrongly. So far everyone is saying yes you did. Can you take that on board?

DinkyMole · 02/12/2013 08:12

Not accepting an apology from a seven year old is harsh! The fact that she could even say sorry is good if you ask me. I don't think my 9.5yr old would understand me saying that.

You're expecting way too much from her and involving her mother was just silly. You should have moved the box when she was caught with it the first time, or sat down and shown her everything in it and then put it away where she couldn't reach it.

Original poster

TheMumsRush · 02/12/2013 08:13

She was told to say sorry

OP posts:

impty · 02/12/2013 08:13

You over reacted.

It's ok not to want her to play, touch or handle your Mum's jewellery. So keep it out of harms way.

It's not ok to refuse an apology from a small child. You need to draw a line under it and move on. I am assuming that emotion is getting in the way of good judgement, on your part here.

In answer to your OP -you didn't handle it well at all.

BloominNora · 02/12/2013 08:14

No, she doesn't. A seven year old hasn't got that level of empathy or understanding. It's why she keeps asking questions - she is trying to learn. As a previous poster said, the best thing to have done would have been to sit with her and let her look at the jewellery and try it on. Some of my best childhood memories are routing through my moms jewellery box and her telling me where each thing had come from. It could be a great bonding experience for you both.

It was wrong of you to insist her mom was essentially harrangued about it too. Informed and told what the consequences had been, yes, but she is right, she wasn't there and it is not like she needs to enforce an ongoing punishment.

Original poster

TheMumsRush · 02/12/2013 08:16

Yes, I think I overreacted with regards to the sorry and I would have listened if it have been, say 10 mins after. Time for me to calm down.

OP posts:

SatinSandals · 02/12/2013 08:18

I think that I would have sat down and showed her the pieces and talked about them, let her try some on, say which your favourites are etc.
At 7 yrs it is very difficult, forbidden fruits are the most exciting. I would definitely accept the apology even if she was told to give it. Put it well out of sight from now on.

17leftfeet · 02/12/2013 08:19

If something happens at your house that you feel a child needs disciplining for, then you deal with that, you don't involve the mother

Her father was present, he should have dealt with it there and then

And yes I have sent my children to their rooms telling them I don't want to hear it but when they are denying they have done something I have just watched them do or refusing to accept that something was wrong, not when they were trying to say sorry

Original poster

TheMumsRush · 02/12/2013 08:19

It wasn't ongoing, she didn't have time even be punished hear. But I understand mum hasn't seen them all weekend and want to enjoy seeing them. I never get involved with mum, but she would have needed to know what happened as she would have only got a 7 years olds pov

OP posts:

Original poster

TheMumsRush · 02/12/2013 08:21

Why can't two parents let each other know when a child has been naughty?

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 02/12/2013 08:22

I am not accepting age as an excuse, she was told only three hours previous

Then you clearly don't understand children. The do not think like adults and do not always remember what they are supposed to do and what they aren't.

I've stated why I wanted mum to know what had happened.

And it makes no difference. The mother can not do anything - you and your DH were parenting at that time ans it happened in your house. You have to deal with it. The child played with something she shouldn't have - she didn't murder your cat, spray swear words on the living room wall or steal something.

fuzzywuzzy · 02/12/2013 08:23

But

Original poster

TheMumsRush · 02/12/2013 08:23

Is it fair to get off Scott free because the mum and dad rant together?

OP posts:

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