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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Did I handle this wrong?

73 replies

TheMumsRush · 02/12/2013 07:26

I'm at risk of outing myself here but don't care and can't give half a story. Yesterday something happened that has caused me to wake up still angry and can't talk in RL. Here goes........I have a dss and dsd, dsd is 7. I have a jewellery box that belonged to my mother who sadly has passed, it contains all her jewellery (nothing of mine). I've told dsd she is not to go into it in the passed, dh has said the same. Only this's weekend on sat (I was out) dh saw her with her fingers in it and told her again not to touch it. I saw her on Sunday doing the same and told her not to touch it. She asked about the jewellery in it, do I wear it, I said no as it was my mums and very special to me and wouldn't want to loose it. The day goes on.

In the last hour before the kids go home, I go into their room and see my mums engagement ring in the toy cupboard!. I was very anger and asked dsd why it was in there, I said, she knew not to take it. I got no response as she was upset.

Dh told her to say sorry but it was way too soon for me to hear it and told her so. The kids then went home. I told dh he is to tell their mum what happened as I found it serious enough that I thought she needed to hear from both parents that what she had done is wrong. When dh got back he said he had told their mum about it but when I asked about her response, I wasn't satisfied the gravity of it was put across. He called her just to give a bit more info (she would have needed it) and to reiterate what had happened.

It turned into us questioning her parenting, us having issues with dsd , and ended up loosing sight! I don't quite know where it's all come from as I was under the impression things were better.

Was I wrong to want dsd mum to be involved? I can't understand mums anger?

I'd like to say, if this had happened at the beginning of our time we would have delt with it, but as it happened in the last hour I felt it needed to be followed through. Please be kind

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 02/12/2013 08:26

I do not expect to hear of things DSs and DD have done at their father's house and I do not go running to him with tales of things they've done here. Unless it is very serious or involves school, behaviour is dealt with in-house depending on whose house it happens in.

fuzzywuzzy · 02/12/2013 08:26

According to your previous post you did not find the mothers reaction appropriate you expected her to punish DSD for her misdemeanour, which she'd already tried to apologise for.

The mother was not a party to the event therefore she should have been informed yes, but not expected to come up with a punishment for something that did not involve her or her household.

SoupDragon · 02/12/2013 08:27

If she gets off scot free then that it your fault, you and your DHs, not the mother's.

The mother was not there.

impty · 02/12/2013 08:27

She didn't get off scott free. She was told not to do it, then made to apologise. Which is a reasonable response. Let it go!

DinkyMole · 02/12/2013 08:27

What sort of punishment were you expecting?

Original poster
TheMumsRush · 02/12/2013 08:27

The mum can do something, she can enforce what has been said so dsd understands why it is wrong, we didn't have the opportunity to sit with her later and reflect

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 02/12/2013 08:28

I strongly disagree that a 7 year old is not old enough to control themselves in this instance.

And I was with you all the way until the bit where the child was upset at you refused to hear her apology. That was mean.

It also seems to me like it's your DP's parenting you're questioning. Not the mum's by insisting he hadn't dealt with it sufficiently harshly and pressing him to go further with the mum. I think you let your upset cloud your judgement there.

Perhaps you should've spent 10 minutes with your dsd earlier in the day, looking through the box and talking about your mum and why it was important to you. As a 7 yo girl I would've loved that.

SoupDragon · 02/12/2013 08:28

Why are you asking whether you handled it wrongly when clearly you don't think that you did and that it is the mother who handled it wrongly? The mother who wasn't there at the time.

Original poster
TheMumsRush · 02/12/2013 08:29

A talk as to why it was wrong. That is what I was expecting.

OP posts:
Morgause · 02/12/2013 08:29

She's 7 years old. She behaved like 7 year olds do and was told off. Nothing else is needed. Why should the mother enforce something that was a total over reaction? I imagine she's quite bewildered by it all.

SoupDragon · 02/12/2013 08:29

I strongly disagree that a 7 year old is not old enough to control themselves in this instance.

I don not believe a 7 year old is always capable of letting commonsense and rules overcome their .

SoupDragon · 02/12/2013 08:30

overcome their inquisitiveness.

impty · 02/12/2013 08:30

But maybe she thinks you are blowing this out of proportion, just like many on this thread!

fuzzywuzzy · 02/12/2013 08:30

She did not get off scot free, she had an apology thrown back at her, had to face your anger her dad's anger and then had her mother involved. She was probably very upset.

What exactly do you want to happen to this seven year old child? A public flogging meted out by her mother?

SoupDragon · 02/12/2013 08:31

A talk as to why it was wrong. That is what I was expecting

That is your job because you were there! "Your" being you and your DHs. The wrongdoing is minor in the grand scheme of things and does not need the involvement of the other parent. A 7 year old played with something she shouldn't... big deal.

AnAdventureInCakeAndWine · 02/12/2013 08:33

"well I wasn't there" is entirely the point.

And two parents can let each other know when a child has been naughty, obviously. But that wasn't what this was about; your DH told his X that their DD had been naughty but you weren't satisfied with how she'd handled it and insisted that he call her back. This is about you (the stepmother) deciding that you aren't happy with how she (the mother) parents her daughter in her own house, and making your husband call her up to (effectively) tell her so.

She didn't get off 'scot free'; she was told off. You feel that her mother should punish her harshly, in the mother's home, for something that she did elsewhere just because you regard it as a big deal. It doesn't sound as though the mother sees it as as much of an issue as you do and, frankly, it doesn't sound as though your husband regards it as as much of an issue as you do when he doesn't have you egging him on. Your OP is full of your "telling" your DH how to behave and what he had to say to his ex at every stage.

MirandaWest · 02/12/2013 08:36

Do you have any children yourself?

If DS or DD did something at XHs house I would only expect to be told about it if it was affecting how they were in some way - I wouldn't expect to be part of the disciplining process. And vice versa.

Original poster
TheMumsRush · 02/12/2013 08:36

I've never said I wanted her mum to punish her further, I wanted her mum to understand what went on, I didn't feel she did at the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheMumsRush · 02/12/2013 08:38

I can only communicate through dh, it's not egging him on

OP posts:
whoselifeisitanyway · 02/12/2013 08:40

The child didn't understand the value of the shiny ring when she played with it and put it in the cupboard. How could she?

I agree it has nothing to do with the mother.

I get the impression you don't have children of your own and maybe you don't understand how little minds work. Almost every poster here has said you were unreasonable. You have asked what we think of your response but don't like what you are being told and sound defensive.

Original poster
TheMumsRush · 02/12/2013 08:40

I am a mother as well

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AnAdventureInCakeAndWine · 02/12/2013 08:41

So you think that as things stand now she got off scot free (to an extent that you are waking up the next day upset and starting a thread about it) but you also didn't want her to have any more punishment than she's already had?

AnAdventureInCakeAndWine · 02/12/2013 08:43

You shouldn't be communicating with his ex, through him or not. He should be communicating with her the things he wants her to know (and not have to phone her up and do it all over again because you've decided that he didn't do it properly the first time).

Original poster
TheMumsRush · 02/12/2013 08:46

Of course I'm being defensive, and no I don't like what I'm hearing. But I need to hear it and I've also said yes I over reacted. It's a thought one for me as it's full of emotion. The time scale didn't help. I had no time to deal with the situation

OP posts:
Original poster
TheMumsRush · 02/12/2013 08:48

I think going through the box with her will help, that's a good idea,

OP posts: