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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Did I handle this wrong?

73 replies

TheMumsRush · 02/12/2013 07:26

I'm at risk of outing myself here but don't care and can't give half a story. Yesterday something happened that has caused me to wake up still angry and can't talk in RL. Here goes........I have a dss and dsd, dsd is 7. I have a jewellery box that belonged to my mother who sadly has passed, it contains all her jewellery (nothing of mine). I've told dsd she is not to go into it in the passed, dh has said the same. Only this's weekend on sat (I was out) dh saw her with her fingers in it and told her again not to touch it. I saw her on Sunday doing the same and told her not to touch it. She asked about the jewellery in it, do I wear it, I said no as it was my mums and very special to me and wouldn't want to loose it. The day goes on.

In the last hour before the kids go home, I go into their room and see my mums engagement ring in the toy cupboard!. I was very anger and asked dsd why it was in there, I said, she knew not to take it. I got no response as she was upset.

Dh told her to say sorry but it was way too soon for me to hear it and told her so. The kids then went home. I told dh he is to tell their mum what happened as I found it serious enough that I thought she needed to hear from both parents that what she had done is wrong. When dh got back he said he had told their mum about it but when I asked about her response, I wasn't satisfied the gravity of it was put across. He called her just to give a bit more info (she would have needed it) and to reiterate what had happened.

It turned into us questioning her parenting, us having issues with dsd , and ended up loosing sight! I don't quite know where it's all come from as I was under the impression things were better.

Was I wrong to want dsd mum to be involved? I can't understand mums anger?

I'd like to say, if this had happened at the beginning of our time we would have delt with it, but as it happened in the last hour I felt it needed to be followed through. Please be kind

OP posts:

theredhen · 02/12/2013 08:51

You're right to be cross but I do think you're wrong to involve mum.

What you are doing is teaching dsd that actually mum has the authority in your home rather than you and dp.

You and your dp need to be dealing with it appropriately within your family. She needs to be disciplined and have clear boundaries and consequences for not adhering to them.

Otherwise you are leaving the door open for mum to dictate all sorts of things in your home.

Original poster

TheMumsRush · 02/12/2013 08:55

I see your point red, and that is what has always happened. We deal with it. I told dh that the bedroom is now out of bounds but, actually, I don't want that. I will talk with dsd and show her the box next time.

OP posts:

DinkyMole · 02/12/2013 08:56

I can't imagine a talk would have helped. On the parenting courses I have been on, it's shown that using too many words is ineffective. She was told it was wrong. Clearly she needed to be told a few more times, it hadn't sunk it. A simple "no, that's not for playing with, don't do it again" is all that was needed. You had time for that.

Original poster

TheMumsRush · 02/12/2013 09:02

And that is what she got three times before she took (and could have quit easily lost) the ring. I've never felt the need to move it before. I will now. As for mum, I will continue to not get involved, even if it effects me

OP posts:

Original poster

TheMumsRush · 02/12/2013 09:06

I didn't find her playing with the ring, I came across the ring amongst her toys. I say this because it seems some of you think otherwise

OP posts:

Madamecastafiore · 02/12/2013 09:17

Get a grip woman.

Age is an excuse, she is 7 FGS.

And does the mum run to the dad telling him every naughty thing the child does when she is with her? No, I doubt it.

You are behaving like a big spoilt child stamping your feet and demanding DH punish his daughter in a particular way because you do not have any understanding, empathy or insight into how you should react to a 7 year old misbehaving.

lunar1 · 02/12/2013 09:35

Do you think a parenting course would help? Shiny, valuable things go out if site, out if mind in our house. Shiny valuable forbidden things are just setting young children up to fail.

What punishment did you want that would have taken more than an hour?

SatinSandals · 02/12/2013 09:39

If you have precious things, that you don't want her to touch, don't show her and keep them out of sight. She is 7yrs old.

conclusionjumper · 02/12/2013 10:38

As I know only too well myself, underlying resentment is often the reason behind these rows but you must fight the good fight to replace these feelings with kindness and understanding, because building your relationship with her and her DM is important for the future.

Even though an apology may be the last thing you want to do, it is your best tactical move. Tell the DM you overreacted because she touched an emotional raw nerve because they were your mother's things and tell the child you're sorry, look through the box, and maybe buy her a little sparkly thing to keep. Yes, yes, it's rewarding her for doing wrong but you're playing the long game.

purpleroses · 02/12/2013 10:39

I can only once recall my ex having involved me over a punishment for something DD has done at his house. He simply informed me that she had had her toy bow and arrows confiscated for firing an arrow at DS which had hit him in the eye. That was serious, in my mind, and her dad's because she'd injured DS and was clearly not old enough to play sensibly with her arrrows. And I needed to be involved to some extent because I needed to be told why she had lost her bow and arrow. My ex had already dished out the punishment, I wasn't expected to do anything further.

But I can't see any reason why your DP needed to involve his ex in your situation. Surely you can think of some sanction or punishment that can be carried out at your house? To require his ex to do "the talk" or take some other action is kind of saying "she's your daughter, you make her behave", which isn't really part of contructive co-parenting from the child's other parent.

And if you knew she is like a magpie with your jewelry, that's precious to you, then you'd be best to keep it somewhere safer. How about in the medical cabinet (assuming it's locked or out of reach?) Or get a lockable drawer in your bedroom. At 7 she probably really doesn't understand either the sentimental or the financial value of your DM's jewelry.

conclusionjumper · 02/12/2013 10:40

The above makes it sound like your feelings will be fake, but that isn't what I mean at all. I mean that by reaching out to her you will build closeness. You are lucky, she is 7 and there is plenty of time to connect with her. I got one who was 13 and by then, many of my chances to forge ties were gone.

SoonToBeSix · 02/12/2013 10:43

Yes you handled it wrong a child of seven is not going to understand the emotional importance of the jewellery . It wasn't even lost it was in the toy cupboard and you wouldn't accept her apology , how immature.
Her mum was right she wasn't there.

TalkativeJim · 02/12/2013 10:53

I was really surprised to get further down this thread and read that you have DC too.

Yes, I think you handled it badly. Seven is still young. She did do wrong but I think your not accepting her apology sent a terrible message - she's too young to appreciate the nuances there, that you were too badly hurt to immediately accept the apology. Presumably she's been taught to apoogise for bad behaviour - how does it help that development for you to then tell her that that doesn't work?

Your reaction was as if an adult had borrowed your mum's jewellery without asking - not that a child had played with it after being told not to.

If I had things of great sentimental value and a child of 7 in the house, I'd make sure they were out of reach. It's the caring thing to do, to realise that they are still too young to really understand the importance of them, and to make sure the items don't fall prey to a seven year old not coming quite up to scratch with overcoming their magpie tendencies every time.

veee123 · 02/12/2013 10:59

Do u have your own children?

Kaluki · 02/12/2013 11:34

OP maybe you did handle the situation badly but I agree with you that at 7 years old a child should know right from wrong and if told not to touch something they should know not to bloody well touch it.

I’ve read your previous posts and the problem is that this child has no respect for your feelings over your Mum’s death or your property and her parents aren’t teaching her this respect. You have a right to privacy in your own home and I don’t agree that you should hide your things to keep them out of her reach. She should learn not to touch other peoples things – she’s not a toddler for goodness sake!
The only thing I think you did wrong was to expect her Mum to get involved. It’s not her problem. Your DP should have told her off and given her some form of punishment the first time she broke the rules. A forced apology is not genuine and if she shows no remorse for her actions and does the same thing again, no wonder you are upset.

Original poster

TheMumsRush · 19/12/2013 08:57

hello ladies, just wanted to update. the next visit with dsd i was planning to have a little talk about the items. I decided not to in the end as i know she knew it was wrong and didnt really want to drag it all up. instead we spent time making cup cakes and had a cuddle watching a film and painted out toes. It was a lovely weekend. i havent moved the box as i think she should know what is out of bounds. thanks for the input, its good to be pulled up sometimes as this step parenting can be a mine field!

OP posts:

purpleroses · 19/12/2013 09:29

That's lovely to hear :)
You're right it's a minefield sometimes - treading such a fine line between telling them off without wanting them to think you really hate them. With my own DCs I can be has horrid strict as I need to and still feel completely sure they know I love them. So much harder with DSC where everything is less secure.

Cerisier · 19/12/2013 13:09

I am glad it is all water under the bridge now. That is a lovely update.

I remember when DD was in year 2 going into school and helping her tidy her tray at the end of term. I found some of my jewellery there and various ornaments from home. Goodness knows what she was thinking. After that I checked her bag frequently and put my precious things out of reach.

chubbycheeks01 · 19/12/2013 15:10

Lol.... You don't have children do you??

Let's phone the mother to tell her what 'we' have to put up with..... Well just for the record the mother probably puts up with it 24/7 and has the common sense to put things she does not want ruined or broken away!!!

Wonder how you would feel if the mother phoned you up every time the child did something wrong !!!

All you are doing is driving a wedge between mother , father and child.... Or is that your intention???

Seriously????..... Grow up!!!!

Original poster

TheMumsRush · 19/12/2013 16:12

Chubby I didn't read all your post but yes I do have a child,

OP posts:

Original poster

TheMumsRush · 19/12/2013 16:14

Just read the rest of it, we all three are fine and things tick along well. That was the first time we have EVER bought anything to her attention. She has done like wise

OP posts:

flowerpotgirl12 · 19/12/2013 20:47

chubby what is the point of your comment, have you read the thread? and are you seriously suggesting that every time her dsd comes round she clears everything that could be broken away? she is 7 not 2 and knows right from wrong and regarding whether the mum should ring every time dsd does something wrong, no not every time but if it was something serious then yes she should ring, my dps ex rings if dsd does something awful to show her that both parents are in agreement. your comment is aggressive and rude

CillaBlacksBackPack · 19/12/2013 23:23

I don't think YABU.

7 years old is old enough to understand. My DSD is 6 and she knows to stay away from my valuable jewellery. She broke one of my favourite bracelets once by pissing around with my things when she wasn't supposed to. That's the first and last time it ever happened.

You've told her repeatedly not to go near your mum's stuff and she's ignoring you. In my book that's bad behaviour. She doesn't have a 'right' to your private, personal effects just because she's your DSD and a child.

I too have a stash of quite precious, personal stuff from my mum (who's dead also) and if I found one of mum's rings in DSD's bedroom I'm afraid I would go spare. I think it's too raw a thing for me to be able to be reasonable about. And anyone who might tell me to get a grip could do one tbh.

No need to have involved her mum though. It happened in your house on your watch so you and DH should deal with it.

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