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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step son and decisions

13 replies

Claire2390 · 01/12/2013 23:19

My partner works full time which means i take on the day to day care of my step son and my son. My partner wants my step son to start nursery in january but i don't ! I feel as though they are only little for a short amount of time i dont want to loose him so soon! I take him to parent and toddler groups with my son so he gets plenty of socialisation . Has anyone else been in a situation where they wish they could over ride the parents desicion?

OP posts:

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eslteacher · 02/12/2013 00:01

Does your stepson have another parent on the scene, except your partner?

Original poster

Claire2390 · 02/12/2013 00:27

He has contact but seems uninterested in any decisions that need to be made.

OP posts:

Mellowandfruitful · 02/12/2013 00:41

Could he go part time as a compromise?

Is your partner the father of both boys?

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 02/12/2013 00:45

What age is stepson? Is your partner talking about starting pre school? And no you shouldnt just override your partner's decision. You are partners and family. It has to be decided by both of you surely?

Original poster

Claire2390 · 02/12/2013 09:28

I dont know if he can start part time! 3 morning or afternoons would be ideal but i think its all or nothing!
My wife and i used two different donors to have children together. My step son i feel only became my step son rather than my son because the donor decided he wanted contact which sort of pushed me aside. He doesnt really care what school he goes to or when he only care that he always gets the 8 hrs a week "owed" to him. So when he starts nursery his contact will have to be moved. And i feel like since i got pushed aside the overall descisions about him are made by my partner.

OP posts:

purpleroses · 02/12/2013 09:48

Why don't you go with your partner and DSS to the nursary and see what the nursary staff think? I don't think they'll advise you to let him start if they feel he is too young for it.

How old is DSS? From about 3 up, most children really do benefit from a nursary, and being in a group of children without a parent around for short sessions at least. If he's younger than that I'd tend to agree with you that a toddler group is fine.

It's not normal for nursaries to offer full time or nothing. Usually you can go part time, though if he's old enough to get the nursary grant (over 2.5 I think?) then 5 sessions of 3 hours is free so you DP might feel she's missing out on something if DSS doesn't use them. Some nursaries are fine about you booking sessions and not actually using them all, though others prefer them to come whenever they're booked in.

But legally he's your partner's son isn't he? So I think you'd need to pursuade her, rather than have any power to overide her. Or is it actually that you feel she is trying to push you out of the role of being his main carer?

DziezkoDisco · 02/12/2013 10:30

In all honesty I think the major problem is that if you one of your children as a song and the other as a stepson. In the long run this is going to cause major heart ache. I think you need to resolve this issue over and above everything else. Need to determine whether you have parental responsibility and if the child donor the father wants to have a three way split in responsibility. I'm assuming you're a woman so therefore the child can have to mums and one dad children are very adaptable to these things as long as you're clear from the off. It will make the child you refer to as your stepchild feel less loved by you if you refer to them as a step whereas is your other child you don't. Hope you can sort it out.

Mellowandfruitful · 02/12/2013 10:43

I would not use a nursery that didn't offer me the pattern I wanted, so if the one you have looked at only offers full-time (less and less common to be so inflexible) I would look at others and shop around.

But I agree with Dziezko above that the issue here is about the status of your 'stepson' and his parents. It sounds very hard on you to be 'pushed out' when this was a child you presumably wanted and planned together with your partner (sorry I misunderstood the situation earlier). The donor's contact (does he have PR then?) should not be at the expense of you being a parent to both your sons. I don't see the rationale for a distinction because both have donor fathers, but you and your partner are their hands-on parents day in day out. That doesn't make you a stepmum, it makes you a mum to both. Isn't your partner of this mind? It's a great shame if not.

Original poster

Claire2390 · 03/12/2013 05:52

Up until the father getting pr i felt it was equal. If we came to a decision we would wiegh it up together and push our views to make a comprimise. Now she almost seems fearful of things being my decision incase the father does try and push for things. He is the type of person thaf if ge thinks something is my idea he doesnt like it, so i can see her point but i have my stepson more than the both of them put together! My wife works 48hrs a week and what feels like sleeps the rest! I feel like if i am to take on all that resonsibility then i should have equal if not more say!
The nursery is attatched to the school we want him to go to, the letter said it will be 9-12 5 days a week . But i havent yet been to the open day to see if that is set or if he can go maybe 3 mornings a week . It doesnt seem like any nursery that ive worked in, its more of a stepping stone for school .

OP posts:

Mellowandfruitful · 03/12/2013 11:07

I think you need to get legal advice about your position here. I don't know a lot about the legalities of children born via donor methods but it seems very harsh that you have the role as a parent but no status to back it up.
Give the nursery a ring and ask them. It should be straightforward to find out.
And, I know this is a personal thing, but I would not feel you have to call him your stepson. He is your son.

purpleroses · 03/12/2013 13:56

Nurseries attached to schools do usually like you to do 5 sessions a week - either mornings or afternoons. Worth asking if he can do less, but you might find they're not keen (as they'd lose the funding and probably not be able to fill the 2 days he's not there). They might be much more relaxed about him being booked in for 5 days a week but have you keep him off from time to time if there's something you want to do that needs a whole day.

If you turn down the place your next opportunity would possibly not be until September (when they lose all their 4 year olds up to Reception). But 3 hours a day is not full time! Why not try it and see how he gets on? You'll still have time with him in the afternoons.

If you can come to a joint decision, your DSS's dad doesn't need to know who's idea it was first. Your DP can simply say that that's what she's decided is best for him. Though obviously you need her on board to do this.

tinkertaylor1 · 03/12/2013 14:06

What an awful situation!

I second what Dzie said. I think you really need to talk to your wife about PR. Does your DW take your dc as her step child?

Does the biological father finically support his DC?

Original poster

Claire2390 · 06/12/2013 13:08

Yeah he pays matinence although its only £2.50 a week! My wife sees my son as hers as there is noone that she needs to compete with! And it would be alot easier seeing him as my son not step son if he didnt refer to me as "just claire" and my wife as his "real mum" everytime hes been to contact. The nursery has said hes either in 12-3 mon-fri or he waits till sept.

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