Grrrrr! Need to rant about scruffy mum!

[WoollyNortherner]

Just need to get this off my chest and would like to know if I'm being unreasonable

Just picked up dsd and we've been given her uniform for tomorrow (which we bought, obviously). She had non uniform day on Friday, so the uniform has been at her mums since Thursday afternoon. I've looked in the bag and its absolutely filthy, as it is every Sunday.

I'm annoyed because she NEVER washes it. We have dsd overnight during the week and her uniform always needs a wash then, too. My ds's go to the same school, so I see her every morning when I drop them off and she's always filthy when she's with her mum. We also have to bath her because her mum NEVER baths her.

We bought her 2 school cardis, 3 blouses, a skirt and a pair of trousers in September. All except for 1 cardi, 1 blouse and 1 skirt are missing. It drives me mad that I have to keep washing and replacing these things cos mum can't be arsed doing the basics.

It's no use talking to mum. Nothing ever changes. I just wanted to rant about being her laundrette and to see if this would piss anyone else off, too. It's not just me, is it?

I think it would piss off most people! How old is your dsd, she sounds like she is quite a messy child still for her uniform to be that dirty tbh. Can you pick her up some more uniform 2nd hand so there is a clean set for each day?

I wonder if generally her mum doesn't value "stuff" so your dsd doesn't take care of material things/value them (yet)?

Dsd is 8 and she is a really messy eater. Clothes are always covered in her dinner! I don't mind washing her clothes, it just cracks me up that I'm the only person that does it.

I will pick up more items of uniform for her, they are cheap enough, but again, its the fact that I (and dp) have to do that because mum can't be arsed. Last year, she sent dsd into school in gym top and a fleece top because
she couldn't find any of her uniform. We replaced it because she was quite happy for her to continue going in like that.

I think you're right about dsd not valuing things yet, randommess. Hopefully, she will when she's older.

To be honest I'd keep the uniform you buy from now on at your place and send the dirty clothes back with your dsd and suggest to the mum she needs to wash it every week.

Some patents just don't get how often uniform needs to be washed.

Surely though at least if you are doing it then you know her uniform is getting washed and shes at least going to school presentable after you have bathed her and washed her clothes .
Some parents are lazy , I am amazed at how many children go to school with their tea from the night before down their uniform .
Just a thought could you keep telling dsd to tell her Mum when her uniform needs washing coz if dsd is goin to school dirty and wearing dirty clothes on a regular basis school may inform ss incase Mum aint coping !

What do school say? I think they should be logging the fact that she is arriving to school in dirty clothing, especially at the age of 8.

Yegods, We drop her off at school Monday and her mum picks her up, so we can't keep uniform here. It always goes to her mums

The school hasn't said anything as yet, as we send her in on Mondays and Wednesdays, so really It's only Tuesday, Thursday and Friday that she goes from her mums.

I do wonder if mum is coping, because dsd always has nits, too. We check her head whenever she's here and most of the time we have to treat her hair. Dp has spoken to mum about her lax approach in the past, but she just tells him to f* off. She's bloody lovely!

We used to have this with DSS, but we're convinced she only used to send DSS with dirty uniform, or nothing at all, just inconvenience DH.

Why doesn't your dp speak to the school and ask them whether dsd seems to be cared for for those days of the week? It sounds like low level neglect - does she brush her teeth, get fed adequately etc.? Not treating lice is just urgggggggggg they make you so uncomfortable.

May i just say my kids were always coming home with nits,even tho they were constantly treated by me,it bloody annoys me.does that mean my kids were neglected aswell?

This really upsets me.

I'm very careful with my dd's and am sad enough to make sure they always wear matching knickers & vests on PE days, and lots of other silly stuff.

The reason for this is when i was growing up, i never had anything nice. Nobody gave a shit about me and it showed.

Your dsd deserves to feel proud and confident.

How bloody hard is it to wash the f**in clothes?

I didn't say catching head lice was neglect, however not treating them is! Being infested with head lice (due to non-treatment) is not the same as having the odd one or two in between combings, it does literally make you feel lousy because they are blood sucking parasites!

Poor kid. I would speak to the teacher and check that DSD isn't being bullied due to this.

Could you have DSD one more week night?

Could she have clean uniform at school that she can change into?

I don't get women like this - not at all. Thank god I guess.

Oh and of course YANBU, not in the slightest.

Uptheanty, that's exactly what bothers me. I know it seems quite superficial, but I think she should be taught to take a bit of pride in herself. When she comes to us on Sundays, we change her clothes straight away because she's always in mismatched, old clothes that are too small and she actually says she feels happier in our clothes. We never criticise what she wears, she's just getting to that age where she is aware of what looks presentable.

Random, I never thought about asking the school. We've always felt she's not given the level of care at her mums that she should. She's really underweight, but her mum is very slight, so it may just be genetics. She does clean her teeth at mums (most of the time) but her hair is always down and messy in a morning (mum can never find bobbles).

I will ask dp to speak to school. We wish we could have her with us full time, but she has 2 younger half sisters at her mums who she adores and her mum wouldn't let her go as she would lose out on her precious benefits and the maintenance off dp. We have her 3 days per week and try to make a difference when she's with us.

Chippingin, my ds's are at her school and they keep an eye on her. If anyone picks on her, they sort it. My oldest is a prefect and he's always looking out for her.

We do sometimes have dsd 4 nights per week, but dp works some evenings and I work days, so its not always possible.

I think sending a uniform in for her to change into might draw more attention to the problem, but it might be worth mentioning when dp speaks to school.

Well you could discuss your concerns with SS as well as the school. Do you think the younger dc are treated similarly or do you never see them?

I think if the poor parenting isn't bad enough for SS to be involved then the best thing you can do for your dsd in addition to what you already do is teach her life skills alongside your dss. This is how you use a washing machine, you put your clothes in the wash everyday now you are older, this is how you cook simple minds, this is a balanced diet, teach her to do her own hair. Get her a hairbrush that she can kep multiple bobbles on, teach her that now she is getting older she needs a proper wash/quick shower each day. Get her a nitty gritty comb and teach her to condition comb her own hair with it (they are very very good at getting the eggs out as well as the adults). Make sure she has plenty of clothes that fit at your house and home - they don't have to be new, you can pick up excellent condition trendy clothes from car boot sales/ebay etc.

I know it isn't your role to do all of these things when she lives with her mum but it's doing what is best for her.

cook simple meals even!!!!

dss = your sons.

In that case, if you feel she is old enough and big enough (which for some children can be 8) I'd show her how to use your washing machine.

I think you're right to carry on washing everything and caring for her (including her Mum's share if necessary). On the other hand do be careful to not go overboard about it. As yiu say, it is fairly shallow and although I would class it as low level neglect, wouldn't want it to knock her sense of self esteem.