Will I be living my life like this?

[AliceinWonderhell]

DSS (10) has explained what he, and his Mum, would like the court to put in place once his Mums application to have the contact order amended is heard.

He'd like regular contact to be available to him, here, as a member of our family - preferably for 1 week in every 3. But, he doesn't want to have to come every time, because something might happen (between his mum and dad) between visits that results in him being scared to come - so he wants to be able to decide whether or not he's coming "at the time". He also wants to be able to cut visits short if something happens while he's with us that he doesn't like - but he knows he can only do that if his mum isn't at work.

He wants me to explain this to my DD (13), so that she understands and doesn't get upset with him when he doesn't come and spend time with us at the last minute - because he doesn't think it's fair that I've decided that DD will never be here when he is.

He was very clear and articulate when he explained it, and presented it as what 'we' want, meaning him and his Mum. The concept that DH might not agree hadn't occurred to him and he said that the court will 'make' DH do what they say.

There can be months (or in DSD case, years) between visits made by the DSC, but when they arrive, they pick up where they left off - not appreciating the gap that their absence has left.

I was astounded at how casually DSS greeted me when I arrived home over the weekend - not only because I was expecting some sign of the trauma at the thought of coming here that had been decribed, but also because it was as if he'd last seen me the day before, not months ago. I'm an adult, and accept there is a lot going on for him - but a 13 year old teen should not have to work out why her DSSib shows no sign of having missed her when she has been acutely aware of his abscence.

"I find it slightly odd that a 13 yr old cannot understand that it's a bit adhoc"

It's not just a "bit adhoc" matter though. A 13yo will not have the emotional maturity to understand why the 10yo is so "terrified" of her mothers partner that he has to vacate the property mid-access or not come at all. Why the gap may last for months/years. Children have the tendency to blame themselves as well. So she may either think her SF is so terrifying that her SB had to go home, or that she herself did something wrong. She will not have the emotional capacity to realise he is being abused by his mother and that this is not her fault, or indeed her SF's fault

allnew the fact that DSS could display his fear in front of DD was one of DD's Dads particular concerns, tbh.

DD has such a brilliant relationship with both her stepparents that it would be awful if DSS issues impacted on DD's relationship with DH; totally unfair on her and DH.

Alice, I've lurked on your threads often, we are in a very similar situation and are sadly coming to the conclusion that we can't be dictated to by a 12 year old whose is being encouraged by his mother. Our current attempt is family mediation but I doubt she'll agree. We hope it will help to all sit down in the same room and talk about how he feels and how we hope he can see the benefits of prioritising his relationship with his father - we all love him and want him to feel included in our family. However, he now believes he can tell us when he comes " he"ll decide and let us know" to the point he only chooses to come if there is some form of entertainment on offer. It's demoralising to be dictated to by a child and I feel heartbroken for his Dad. We think we're loosing him and we're gutted. If meditation doesn't happen, then we'll try and make sure he knows he is always welcome, but we won't jump to his tune, we'd be helping to create a monster.

Hi bergamont - so sorry. It surprises me how many people have confirmed that they are facing the same issues; it's such a shame that NRP (mainly Dads) seem to deal with this alone.

What we have been bewildered by in the past is that despite DSC Mums adamant assertions that she doesn't see the need for DH to be involved in the DC's lives, withholding contact "because they don't want to" etc, if DH backs off and doesn't push for contact for a few weeks - she then initiates contact by phone/email and insists on involving him in (a usually quite minor) parenting issue, making digs about the fact that they are his DC's too, he's abandoned them etc. So then the Dc's begin to see us regularly again until the next crisis kicks off, and they disappear again.

DH is hoping that the involvement of the Court/CAFCASS can stop the cycle. It's clear that there are serious concerns about DH in the DC's life on her part and hopefully, these will be addressed before the Court decides on any future contact schedule.

Bergamot I think that's how I would feel in that position - the idea of my child dictating to me what we do and how we spend time together appals me. For my DD's sake, I would do what I could to make her understand that her demands would not be met, purely because I would not want her growing into an entitled, demanding, egotistical monster. She wouldn't last 5 minutes in the 'real world' behaving like that so it would do her no good in the long run to think that she could dictate to others how things should be, and expect to be humoured by others as a result. Being pandered to in the OP's circumstances, and yours, won't do either child any good in the long run.

Setting it up so that DSS can go home whenever he feels like it = telling him whenever he is disciplined or whenever he is mad or doesn't get his way he can call his mum to come get him . Ridiculous way to arrange it.

chappie thats how it was with DSD for a while before she opted out of contact completely - if something happened that she didn't like (including, memorably, what was for dinner one night) she would text her Mum and arrange to be picked up, and Mum would jump to it.

I don't understand why she never just walked out tbh, she was walking further to school each day and it was on the same route! I wonder if there were times when she called/txt'd her Mum but got told she couldn't go home - maybe she was seeking Mums permission to leave?

Can only say I feel your frustration Alice - I try and see it from his mum's perspective but I can't work out what planet she's on. We think ours will stop coming too and can only pray he sees sense when he's older. Still very sad though x