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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

The ever magic £20

57 replies

DiamondsAndDust · 15/11/2013 15:36

Sorry this is a second thread from me in as many hours but just aaarggh!!

DH and I have 3 children together and he has a DD from a previous relationship. DSD lives with us and has done since she was 15 months old. She's now 7. I've been doing a bit of Christmas online shopping this afternoon (check out my thread about furbys in chat). Before I left to go and pick DSD and the DC up from school I asked DH to send DSD's mum an email asking if there's anything she wanted to get DSD so we know not to double up. It was all very polite.

With matters about DSD it tends to be via email as it's easier and proof of what's been written/sent and received.

The email received in response is:

"XDP,

I am well aware that you have DSD with you full time. That is why I pay CSA. What do you use that for? Get her something out of it for a change."

We get £20 a month off her. It must be a magic bloody £20 as she seems to think it pays and stretches for everything.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

HaroldTheGoat · 15/11/2013 15:37

Just .

TheMumsRush · 15/11/2013 15:47

But you weren't even asking for money, just making sure you don't buy the same stuff! I can understand not having much money, but there's no way I'd not get my ds anything

caramelwaffle · 15/11/2013 15:50

Well she sounds absolutely divine.

Shocking. Selfishly shocking.

Georgia82 · 15/11/2013 15:51

Words actually fail me...

Thank goodness she lives with you. Poor girl.

My goodness. I'd be of a mind to tell her where to stick her £20 as clearly you and DP provide all financial and likely emotional support.

HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood · 15/11/2013 15:51

Response:

"The CSA you pay is to help cover your child's basic needs. We take it from your email that you will not be purchasing your child a gift this Christmas."

Then leave it at that.

Jinsei · 15/11/2013 15:51

Your poor DSD! Imagine having a mother like that! :( I hope you make up for it, OP, by being a fabulous stepmother!

Original poster

DiamondsAndDust · 15/11/2013 15:51

Exactly mumsrush. It was just an email to ask if there's anything she'd like us to hold off buying. So by the looks of it DSD will not get anything off her mum. Instead she'll explain to her daughter that she gives DH money to help Santa out.

OP posts:

TheMumsRush · 15/11/2013 15:54

I agree with hellsbells

Original poster

DiamondsAndDust · 15/11/2013 15:55

DH hasn't responded. He's royal peeved off with the reply so has disengaged himself away from the computer until he calms down in case he sends a rather heated response.

OP posts:

WallyBantersJunkBox · 15/11/2013 15:55

Does she usually buy anything for her for Christmas?

After 6 years of this you must be fed up.

Rooners · 15/11/2013 15:56

Without background info it is difficult to gauge this, but my instinctive feeling is that she resents not having her child with her and therefore is very angry with you - and it probably hurts a lot - so she is probably struggling with this, and so she is reacting defensively to your suggestion/ enquiry.

Maybe not being allowed to do something 'properly' (or not being in a position to for whatever reason) makes her not want to do it at all.

Why do you have the child?

HaroldTheGoat · 15/11/2013 15:57

Hellsbells email is good!

Bloody Nora, just shocking.

Rooners · 15/11/2013 15:59

Or of course she might be an angry person for other reasons entirely.

I didn't mean to sound off.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 15/11/2013 16:00

I don't think any of that is an excuse really rooners, I'm not sure why it matters why the op has her sd living with her either? I don't think I've ever seen a post questioning why a mother has residency of the children

Diamonds that email is awful, well done to your DH for not replying in anger

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 15/11/2013 16:01

Sorry rooners x-posted

Original poster

DiamondsAndDust · 15/11/2013 16:05

Without going in to too much detail there was SS became involved along with police when DH's ex's current partner struck DSD. Mum is still sticking with the partner (they're more on and off). But she still gets access to DSD under supervision in her parents' home.

OP posts:

NachoAddict · 15/11/2013 16:05

Well what is certainly a defensive email.

I like hellsbells reply.

Rooners · 15/11/2013 16:06

No problem - I guess I am trying to figure it out more than anything

we get something similar from ex, and he isn't horrible, but last year he gave me some money for Christmas but we didn't know what ds wanted yet - and he said he would sub me the rest later on.

He never did. I can see why though - he wasn't really involved in the celebrations, and probably felt like he wouldn't get anything out of paying for it as we had it all in hand.

It's his choice though not to be involved with ds. He left when ds was a baby and didn't see him again till he was 7. Now it's only about 24-48 hours a year. It's pitiful.

But I get why he did it. Why bother if you can't be properly involved, I suppose

This is why I mentioned background - it is relevant imo.

cantheyseeme · 15/11/2013 16:06

Whaaa!! What happened to WANTING to give your child a gift? Even somats from poundland!

rwepi · 15/11/2013 16:06

The only explanation i can see is that she read it quickly/with the wrong attitude and misunderstood-believing that you had asked for money.

I'd just reply"thank you, just checking that there will be no risk of duplication" Take the higher ground etc

Rooners · 15/11/2013 16:07

Oh I see her dp hit her dd? How horrible

But perhaps she feels like she didn't choose to be apart from her dd

I mean, yes, ss did the right thing removing her probably but - you can see why the mum is defensive?

I expect she would welcome giving her child a good Christmas but not when it's being overseen/restricted by the powers that be - she sounds very proud.

I may be wrong, it's just how it comes across. I think pride is very hard to overcome.

Rooners · 15/11/2013 16:09

Fwiw if ds's stepmother was looking after him, instead of me, I don't think I could bear it, let alone to be civil to her. It must feel horrendous.

She's wrong to put her relationship above her child's safety but also she sounds like she is in a messed up place right now and she won't be enjoying it.

I dunno...I feel kinda bad for her and for her dd. And for you guys as well obviously.

rwepi · 15/11/2013 16:13

I think Rooners has it. There are obviously loads of issues here but it must feel awful to have somone else organising your 7yo's Christmas. The fact that you know it would be different if it weren't for your own actions probably makes it worse.

Jinsei · 15/11/2013 16:14

But perhaps she feels like she didn't choose to be apart from her dd

But of course she chose to be apart from her dd. Nobody forced her to stay in a relationship with an abusive partner. If someone was putting my dd at risk, I know exactly where my priorities would lie.

hermioneweasley · 15/11/2013 16:14

If a father had sent that reply I seriously doubt there would be any empathy for him. She's a sorry excuse for a mother.

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