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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

The ever magic £20

57 replies

DiamondsAndDust · 15/11/2013 15:36

Sorry this is a second thread from me in as many hours but just aaarggh!!

DH and I have 3 children together and he has a DD from a previous relationship. DSD lives with us and has done since she was 15 months old. She's now 7. I've been doing a bit of Christmas online shopping this afternoon (check out my thread about furbys in chat). Before I left to go and pick DSD and the DC up from school I asked DH to send DSD's mum an email asking if there's anything she wanted to get DSD so we know not to double up. It was all very polite.

With matters about DSD it tends to be via email as it's easier and proof of what's been written/sent and received.

The email received in response is:

"XDP,

I am well aware that you have DSD with you full time. That is why I pay CSA. What do you use that for? Get her something out of it for a change."

We get £20 a month off her. It must be a magic bloody £20 as she seems to think it pays and stretches for everything.

OP posts:

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Original poster

DiamondsAndDust · 15/11/2013 16:14

I wouldn't feel so bad for her if it wasn't for the fact she's still involved with the twat (sorry!). There's a lot more involved too that I'm not too keen to go in to in case it outs me. But yes, she is messed up (not just through her partner) but also has had many an opportunity to have more supervised access to DSD but just can't be bothered. She'd rather be out on the razz.

OP posts:

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 15/11/2013 16:16

For goodness sake Rooners - you're attributing an awful lot to this Mum that just isn't there or is based on how you think you would feel in those circumstances. If she wanted to be with her child that much, she wouldn't be with someone who struck a child enough for SS and the police to be involved.

If it was a father sending that email to a child who didn't live with him as his partner hit the child, then you wouldn't be going to such lengths to find any reason whatsoever to explain why he would be such a twat.

If you're a reasonable human being and a reasonable mother then you tend to get your child something for xmas, even if its just a small gift and you certainly don't let your child down because they don't live with you.

Jinsei · 15/11/2013 16:17

If a father had sent that reply I seriously doubt there would be any empathy for him.

Just what I was thinking, hermione

Rooners · 15/11/2013 16:18

Oh Ok.

Yes - I have mixed emotions about my child's father so I can see where you're coming from. He's a lot about 'I shan't be with my children, at Christmas' as an excuse to get blotto, but in fact the opportunities to see his children are manifold. He just prefers not to take them.

When I said that he only sees ds once a month in the context of some conversation he was like 'and I have to live with that', and I said straight away, 'But you don't have to live with that, it's totally your choice if you want to see more of him' and he was very quiet after that.

Some people like to play the victim, but honestly, I wouldn't email her any more. I'd wait to see if she contacts you. It's like poking an angry wasp.

Rooners · 15/11/2013 16:19

Keema I just explained (or thought I did) that I have sympathy for my child's father because he isn't involved very much, and can see why he didn't pay for much last year.

If you read my posts you would see that.

Rooners · 15/11/2013 16:21

'we get something similar from ex, and he isn't horrible, but last year he gave me some money for Christmas but we didn't know what ds wanted yet - and he said he would sub me the rest later on.

He never did. I can see why though - he wasn't really involved in the celebrations, and probably felt like he wouldn't get anything out of paying for it as we had it all in hand.

It's his choice though not to be involved with ds. He left when ds was a baby and didn't see him again till he was 7. Now it's only about 24-48 hours a year. It's pitiful.

But I get why he did it. Why bother if you can't be properly involved, I suppose sad

This is why I mentioned background - it is relevant imo.'

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 15/11/2013 16:22

This isn't about your relationship though.

allnewtaketwo · 15/11/2013 18:43

The mother is getting a lot of empathy here which you would NEVER see on here for a father who contributed £20pm and couldn't be bothered to get a present.

BOF · 15/11/2013 18:54

I don't think she is getting much empathy, actually, apart from Rooners. The consensus seems to be that she is rather unpleasant.

Rooners · 15/11/2013 19:09

Keema - I realise that. I was responding to this from you :

'If it was a father sending that email to a child who didn't live with him as his partner hit the child, then you wouldn't be going to such lengths to find any reason whatsoever to explain why he would be such a twat.'

by quoting the part where I was expressing empathy for a man doing similar. I hope that is clearer

allnewtaketwo · 15/11/2013 19:42

Rwepi seems to agree with rooners

elliebellys · 15/11/2013 19:53

Fgs,this is getting unpleasant,attacking someone for their opinion.just cos others dont agree.as op has stated there is more of a backstory to it all.

BOF · 15/11/2013 19:57

People are absolutely free to hold their own opinions. However, I take issue with the whole thread of posters being characterised as somehow applying double standards, as that clearly isn't the case.

allnewtaketwo · 15/11/2013 20:25

I don't think anyone characterised a "whole thread of posters" as anything

olibeansmummy · 15/11/2013 20:39

I agree that no one would be making excuses for a man saying the same thing...

I'd have to reply in this situation with something like, ' just to clarify, we weren't asking for money, we obviously will be buying [dd] presents and just wanted to make sure we didn't duplicate. If you are not planning to get her anything then clearly this is not an issue...'

catsmother · 15/11/2013 20:41

If the mother's brusqueness is due to her lamenting the fact her daughter no longer lives with her then presumably she could remedy that very easily by getting shot of the shit who hit her daughter. Most mothers would without hesitation.

If she's feeling sorry for herself I'm afraid I have no sympathy.

Viviennemary · 15/11/2013 20:43

That is grim. She sounds very bitter indeed. It's quite sad really even if a lot of it might be her fault.

HuglessDouglas · 15/11/2013 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrianTheMole · 15/11/2013 20:50

this Absolutely. No sympathy here either.

BOF · 15/11/2013 21:13

Did I misinterpret you, allnew? Sorry.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 15/11/2013 22:34

Nope, no sympathy here. The welfare of my child before me always.

rwepi · 16/11/2013 08:26

I agree with a lot of what's been said on both sides. One thing I'm certain of is BM's response has nothing to do with money-magic or otherwise.

She's obviously made some dreadful choices but ultimately she's in an abusive relationship. Of course the should have left for the sake of her child but she hasn't and very sadly she's far from the first woman to be in that situation

Rooners · 16/11/2013 08:30

It isn't exactly sympathy - well I suppose a small amount, and I did say 'I feel kinda bad for her' but only in the sense that she can't see what an idiot she is being and how it is all her fault.

It was more trying to see why she would say something like that.

She does sound like a shit parent. I'm not arguing with that. But I was trying to express how I thought her email to the OP was perhaps more defensive than aggressive.

Why can't people understand the difference between seeing why a person does something, and thinking that thing is Ok?

people keep saying 'a man wouldn't get this treatment' and I keep saying 'I think the same about my ex' (who is a man)

no one is listening.

Rooners · 16/11/2013 08:33

x posts Rwepi. I agree with you. Many people are in abusive relationships and for some reason feel unable to leave.

And often that does impact on the children. It's terrible, but it happens.

My ex is with someone horrible as well, and always puts her before the children...it has led to reduced contact. He thinks he is a victim. I think he should leave the person he married if he cares about his children.

But in his mind, no, poor him, I should tell the children to suck it up, so he still gets to see them. Not happening.

Original poster

DiamondsAndDust · 16/11/2013 11:48

I didn't want this to be a thread against or for DSD mum. It was more to vent my own frustration as half the time I have to keep it all in as I don't want to show DSD any bad feeling from myself about her mum. Shit parent or not, she is still her mum.

I don't agree with half of what she's done. There wasn't just the abuse taken in to account with why SS took her out of mum's care. A lot of it is down to how her mum was and the abusive relationship and incident with DSD was just the final crux for proper immediate intervention.

Anyways a small update with regards to the post. It seems mum is not buying DSD anything as she already pays her way. She expected DH to save up the monthly £20 and use it at bulk at Christmas. So apparently we're not "scrounging" anymore off her. We should manage finances better.

OP posts:

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