Being a full time step mum

[DiamondsAndDust]

Hi,

I've been directed to this forum by a friend as she says I may find others in my situation. I'm a step mum but a full time one. I have 3 children of my own with my husband but he also has a DD from a previous relationship.

DSD is now 7 but has lived with us since she was 15 months old. Her mum has very minimal contact with her - her choice. But expects us to jump over hoops when she wants DSD. It can be so hard because I'm pretty much raising DSD along with my husband but every time mum wants anything to do with her she often spouts off about how she will always have the say over anything before I do. But then expects me to do the main bulk of her parenting.

Ps: I hope I've got the shortenings right in reference to step children and children. If not, I apologise.

You and me both OP.

My DSD is 8 and has lived with DH since a similar age.

Her mother has minimal contact, no mainentance, but often texts me abuse about how she is her child, not mine.

You will find support on here.

I find it really hard doing the main stuff, parents evenings, shows, docs, everything but her mother will always be golden.

Don't know what else to say, really, except, me too!!!!

It is hard isn't it Fairy.

It's especially hard for me when I can see with my own eyes how little an interest DSD's mum takes in her own daughter or how much she lets her down. However, I have to keep my own frustrations and emotions inside as it's not fair to upset DSD with it all. She is still her mum at the end of the day - despite how little a role she cares to play in her life

That's why I'm so glad to find this board. It's a way to vent without directly upsetting anyone and hopefully to gain perspective from people not so directly involved.

Do you find it hard with the school? I hate having to explain our life stories everytime one of the other mums refers to me as 'mum' - step mum makes them think they should be contacting the mum, but DSD gets upset about people thinking I'm mum.

Just wanted to add my support! I was also in the same position and even now that dsd is 24 and dss is 22, mum can do no wrong even though she barely saw them for years......
It does get easier as they get older and happily we have no contact with the ex anymore

Fairy: It hasn't been too bad but I have got looks of shock when I've explained. It's always been DH or I doing the school runs so the parents don't know any different until it's been pointed out by someone or when DSD runs out of school and calls me by my name.

I have had the "Oh you are often here doing the school run I just assumed she was your DD." And then when I've explained that no I'm actually her step mum, I often get: "Oh!" And puzzled expressions. Like they don't know how to react to the news or understand how a child can be living with her dad and step mum. But word spreads like wildfire. Once one found out I'm actually step mum it spread to the children. When DSD first started school there she got quite a bit of bullying from the kids for not living with her mum.

Thankfully it's all sorted now though via the school.

How are the school with engaging with information with you? Thankfully the school are aware of the whole situation so on a whole it hasn't been too bad.

Sparrow: Your post gives me hope about it getting easier with time - thank you :)

Support here from me as well! Dss and dsd (14 and 11) live with us full time. Contact has been sporadic and unreliable - every few months in the beginning (6 years ago) but now they haven't seen her for 3.5 years, and she's phoned them once in the last 2 years. They have both, of their own accord, come to the point where they expect not to hear from her, and actually it's more upsetting for them when they do have contact from her, as it brings it all up to the surface again. This lack of contact hasn't stopped her texting us every couple of months reminding us that she 'loves her kids' and how 'one day she'll get them back'

We spent years making excuses for her and softening the blow when she let them down yet again. DSS gave up on her when he was about 11, and DSD seems to have gone through the same change of mind over the last 6 months or so - this follows a phone call out of the blue where she was clearly drunk and made DSD feel really awkward. DSS refused to speak to her completely.

Just support your DSD and let her draw her own conclusions about her mum in time. As she gets older, she'll realise not only how much you do for her but also appreciate the fact that you've given her time to make her own mind up about things.

Oh, and always keep lots of in for those particularly frustrating days.

The kids explanation to friends (we helped them come ip with it) was that 'mummy had a poorly head so wasn't very good at looking after us, that's why Morning and Daddy do it instead'. Kids just used to accept that and I think their mums probably drew their own conclusions from it re mental health. Certainly if they ever gave any of us questioning/nosy looks in front of the kids I just used to glare them down.