My DD and her 4 parental units

[QueenofallIsee]

I have a 15yr old DD with my ExH. I have a new partner of 11 years and ExH married his partner of 14 yrs last year. I note that there has been quite a bit of stick on the subject of step parents of late so I wanted to say...

My DD has 4 parents -me, her Dad, her Step Mum and her Step Dad. She is bloody lucky to have 4 people who love her and put themselves out for her and we tell her so. I am grateful that DDs step mum is someone with very different interests to me and therefore can show her a different view of the world...I am her 'real' Mum but guess what, my way is not always the right way and my DD benefits from understanding that.

Step parenting is a hard job, you don't always get the unconditional love and often get a bad press but you have CHOSEN to love our bio-children, be there for them and raise them into responsible adults. I for one am grateful.

I hope you guys take this in the spirit I mean it - its not meant to be patronising or anything, I just really hate seeing what some of you go through.

You have said something there that I have actually told my children. They have 2 lots of parents - me & their stepdad, their dad & their stepmum. I have told them too that they are lucky to have 4 interested adults ready and willing to help them.

Thanks, Queen.
Am also v grateful for ds sm, a lovely person who unfortunately can't have own kids but has always treated ds really well (secretly I feel she is even nicer to ds than his dad, she has been v supportive in parenting him and I was able to return the favour when she needed my help).

What a nice post

I think every family is different. I don't want to be considered a parent to my dsc, even the one who lives with me full time but I know I am a bonus adult in their lives who cares and wants the best for them.

Thanks queen

I told my DP last night during a heated discussion about his responsibilities a parent that step-parents should be referred to as bonus parents; we are there in addition to the DSC parents, and bring extras to their lives

Unfortunately, some parents are only too quick to delegate their parenting responsiblities to a step-parent who shows willing; and that's how resentment sets in.

I hope I am not that parent China, I certainly don't think that my role is to offload onto DDs step parents. I am incredibly lucky 'work with' 3 adults all of whom are interested in what is best for DD. DDs step mum is a marvellous woman who is a great example to her.

What a lovely post Queen,

Thats a lovely post Queen.

My DD has a great step mum. And a step brother who is just fabulous. I cannot praise them highly enough they are simply the bees knees. Her father, on the other hand, is a different kettle of fish.

Hoorah! Thanks for the lovely post to end my evening, Queen Such a positive perspective and it highlights that parents and SP's have a tough time, but do try their best to do a good job, by and large.

I have felt really depressed and fed up about the amount of negativity on MN lately - not so much on the SP board - but the site in general seems to be slipping into a negative cycle of very angry people snarling at each other, vilifying and bullying. I wonder if it is the economy? Or the weather? who knows!

This board can go through peaks and troughs but overall, I feel we at least cut each other some slack and seek to understand.

Those are marvellous sentiments and I completely agree with them.

It troubles me to see how adverserial some women are towards other women in their children's lives. I understand it very much if the Stepmother was involved in the break-up, but there seems to be a real absence of communication in so many of these conflicts and remarkably few conversations over a glass of wine or a beer, trying to find common ground and ways of working together. Valuing difference too.

Parenting's a tough job whoever's doing it. Mothers and stepmothers are human beings and I can't help feeling that unless someone really has a problem getting on with other women, most women when they get together can find things to like and appreciate about eachother. I keep seeing posts about lazy mothers and wonder why there's not more understanding that everyone can be lazy sometimes and everyone's entitled to a life that doesn't revolve around children. We wouldn't expect it of our friends, so why do we expect it of other women?

It's the wise woman and wise parent who looks beyond petty jealousies, tries to find common ground and who appreciates the diversity another woman can bring to their children's lives.

Poster, your children are very blessed to have a parent with this sort of outlook. I salute you.

Even when the SM was involved in the break up, at some point, I believe this has to be put aside. My DCs' step mum was involved in the break up between me and their dad, and I was angry about that for some time. But I never ever put any of that onto the children, or made demands that my ex could not introduce them to her. This was something that I had to accept was out of my control. Accepting that made it easier to get over. I also believe that by remaining angry and bitter, I would only damage my own life and my kids' lives.

I actually rather like her now, and she is an excellent SM to my kids.

I am also lucky that my DP's kids' mum has never had a problem with me either and we get on well.

And even with all this warmth of feeling, step parenting is still the most difficult thing I have ever done.

Lovely post and very true. My parents split up when I was 12 and both eventually remarried. I won't say it was all easy at the time (although overriding sense of relief when they actually split) but they are both now married to people far better suited to them and I have 2 set of amazing (and completely different) parents. DD is therefore lucky enough to have 4 maternal granparents which is just as well as DHs parents are a whole other story all of whom dote on her and do contrasting things with her. A very happy ending all in all for our family

That's nice to hear Queen!
Like others, I don't feel at all maternal to my dsc, which bothered me at the start but someone on here advised me to treat them like I would a niece or nephew and it works.
I wish their Mum was more like you!!!