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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

dsd asked to call me 'mummy'

29 replies

kasareem · 20/09/2013 17:38

Hi guys,
I just want a few opinions about how I handled this please. Dh and I got married earlier this year, and the next morning dsd sweetly announced 'now I can call you mummy!' So so sweet and I know how lucky I an to have a good relationship with her. But they lost her mum when she was 3, and we try very hard to keep her memory alive for my dsd. I feel as though being called mummy would not only confuse dsd, but would be hurtful for dh and her grandparents to hear. I suggested another name such as 'mum'. But now I'm worried that dsd may have felt pushed away or like I was distancing myself from her.
Sorry for the long post! Any thoughts or advice would be great!

OP posts:

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OneStepCloser · 20/09/2013 17:52

I think a chat with your Dh and her gps might be worth it, you can be her mummy without forgetting and not respecting her mother, but would help if everyone was on board.

Bless her, she sounds as though she knows what she wants anyway you.

Smartiepants79 · 20/09/2013 18:02

Yes. You need to talk to your husband.

How old is she? Is she old enough to understand that her 'mummy' will always be her mummy and that it would be nice to choose a different name for you?
Personally I think you need to do what she is happiest with. Everyone else is an adult and may need to find a way to deal with the hurt, distressing as it is.

lovelyredwine · 20/09/2013 18:02

I think it's very sweet actually. It's fantastic that she obviously loves you enough to be her mummy. I can also understand that it feels a bit awkward. Our dd calls her step grandad 'Grandad' and my DH is a bit torn as her biological grandad died before she was born. He likes the fact that she as a good relationship with him, but wishes his real dad was around to be grandad.

If your DH and her biological maternal grandparents are ok with it then I would let her carry on calling you mummy. You can still talk lots about her birth mummy and show her photos etc.

MiconiumHappens · 20/09/2013 18:03

Such a difficult situation for everyone - would mummy in a foreign language be a compromise?

Agree with other poster about involving other family members in the decision.

Good luck OP

Agnesboo · 20/09/2013 18:04

Could she call you mummykas or something?

Editededition · 20/09/2013 18:12

Firstly, well done OP for forging what is obviously a brilliant relationship with your DSD

I am going to disagree with some, and say I don't think you should talk about it with your DH and the Grands. This is about you handling your first difficult question (and there are going to be a million more )
I think you have the right answer in the first place. I am assuming your DSD was fairly satisfied with the answer?
Did she choose a name?

If not, if she is still thinking, then I would just go back to her as a 1-2-1 and tell her that you have been thinking hard about her question, that you think that her mummy was her mummy and wouldn't want people like the Grands to get confused if you also have that name ....but has she thought which alternative she likes best.
I think you will find she is a lot more fine with your first response than you think .....kids deal best of all with honesty ...and you were honest

Original poster

kasareem · 20/09/2013 19:04

Grrr my phone just deleted a long post I wrote!! The great thing about MN is getting so many opinions in one place, thanks for your replies! edited, this sounds stupid but I hadn't thought if simply asking her how she feels about it! She's 7 but very mature and emotionally aware, so we could have a proper conversation about it. I like the idea of using another language miconium. Dh and I are ttc, so it needs to be something dsd and future children could all use!

OP posts:

daisychain01 · 21/09/2013 19:09

Could you (and maybe DSD) create a special name that she can use just for you - something unique that she can always call you. This actually 'happened' for me, my DH and my DSS (i.e. it wasn't exactly planned, it just sort of evolved that I gained a special name - I'd better not say what it is, because it would well-and-truly 'out' me ). His mum is still very much in his life, so its a different circumstance to your's, but it really does work well for us, because it removes any possibility of divided loyalties etc and it's something he feels very comfortable about.

purpleroses · 22/09/2013 09:20

I'd go for mum - as you suggested. It's what a lot of kids switch to anyway around her age and something your new DCs could use too. But it's a proper name for a mother - and sounds like that's what DSD wants you to be

BoffinMum · 22/09/2013 09:30

Mummy Kasareen as a special version just for you? Separate from her biological mummy?

mumandboys123 · 22/09/2013 16:58

presumably your partner will be happy with any new partner of his ex being called 'daddy' by his daughter in the future?

DizzySometimes · 22/09/2013 17:10

mumandboys123 - did you not read the whole thread? The mother died when the little girl was 3, so your post is extremely insensitive.

OP - the idea of using a special name sounds like a lovely thing for you and your DSD.

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 22/09/2013 17:22

mumandboys - I can't think of any more evidence needed that you are only on this board because you have an axe to grind.

You neither read, nor care, about the OP's situation and there is certainly no intention to give advice - you merely trot out the same accusations and anti-SM soundbites.

Disgusting.

Editededition · 22/09/2013 17:38

mumandboys
That takes the award for insensitivity!
Dreadful.

morethanpotatoprints · 22/09/2013 17:38

I would tell her how much you love her and you want to be the mum in her life.
Her mummy is no longer here but loved her very much and it is important to remember her mummy.

I think a special name is lovely, but I think it is hard for you as you will be her mother. Perhaps mum and she could always refer to her departed as mummy or Mother.
As long as she remembers and she has a different name for you both, there shouldn't be a problem.
Good luck, and congrats on your wedding

BoffinMum · 22/09/2013 17:52

She's dead, mumnboys. So you put your foot right in it there. Apology to the OP in order, I think.

Bonsoir · 22/09/2013 17:55

I beg to differ with most posters and think that the OP's DSD really should be encouraged to feel that the OP is her mother - and part of that is calling her Mummy.

By complete coincidence, I was thinking in bed this morning of a school friend of mine whose mother died when he was 5 - he was an only child. His father remarried and had four more DC with his second wife. My school friend was always slightly the left one out in his family and it made me sad for him every day.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 22/09/2013 17:59

As hard as it might be for your DH & the grandparents to hear, what your DSD needs has to come first. She wants to have a Mummy/Mum that is present in her life like her friends. That doesn't mean she will forget her 'Mummy' it just means she loves you enough to want you to do the 'job', 'hold the position of' a Mummy.

She asked you earlier in the year and you are just asking about it now, what has she been calling you in the meantime??

Nyborg · 22/09/2013 18:01

OP, what about "Mammy"? Very common in Ireland and bits of NW England.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 22/09/2013 18:01

I don't think you should go for a 'foreign' version of Mummy/Mum either as it would be nice for all of your children to call you the same thing and for that word to be understood by the general public. Also, they will refer to you as their Mum/Mummy even if they call you 'insert foreign name'.

SconeRhymesWithGone · 22/09/2013 18:04

I agree with Bonsoir and Chipping. She obviously wants and needs for you to be her mother. Her needs should come first.

What does she call you now?

basgetti · 22/09/2013 19:50

I also agree with Bonsoir and Chipping.

I was a child in this situation, my mother died when I was a baby and my Dad remarried when I was 3. My stepmum did everything a mother would do and it felt natural that she became my 'mum' and that is what I have always called her.

My parents always made sure that my mother's memory was respected and we would talk about her, have photos and visit our maternal family regularly.

Over 30 years later I am still closer to my mum than anyone else in the world and she is an amazing and supportive nanna to my DS aswell. It would have been very sad for me to have been denied a 'mum' when I needed one the most just to protect the feelings of adults.

mumandboys123 · 22/09/2013 20:37

oh god! I'm sorry - I just missed that. I didn't mean at all to be so insensitive. My sincere apologies.

FrauMoose · 22/09/2013 20:45

Maybe what the child needs will vary at different times. My daughter used to call me by my first name - because that's what my stepchildren did. Then she switched to calling me 'Mummy' when she went to school, because that's what other children did there. And now the shorter 'Mum' is used.

I think some of it's social - if people at school say, 'I'll ask Mum' or 'Mum will go mad if I do that' - it must be hard not to be able to say that. And it would feel good to be able to refer to that person as 'Mum'. On the other hand there might be other occasions - maybe later on - when that doesn't feel like the right name.

I do think talking about it is a good idea. And it seems important to reassure the child that she's very special, and that what's important is for you to find the right words to express the close relationship. Even though somebody else mothered her first.

hermioneweasley · 22/09/2013 20:45

Agree with others, you need to think about what's best for her. If you're planning to have more kids, I'd suggest a name that you are happy for them all to call you, and not have a different name that DSD calls you. If that's "mummy" and that's hard for her bio GPs then so be it. Talk to them and prepare them, but DSDs needs come first.

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