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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Cannot bear DSD in our bed

54 replies

Stepinstone · 23/08/2013 14:56

she is 14. Sneaks in during the night. We have discussed this before but can't seem to knock it on the head.

I am NBU about this, am I? I cannot bear it and it feels inappropriate!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

HollaAtMeBaby · 24/08/2013 09:45

Can you lock the bedroom door?

Original poster

Stepinstone · 24/08/2013 09:50

Isn't that a bit extreme?

OP posts:

MikeOxard · 24/08/2013 10:08

It's a bit extreme that a 14yo is still expecting to share your bed! Locking the door would be tempting, but I think it's an issue that needs to be discussed and addressed, rather than just got round. But once you/dh have had the conversation, then maybe lock the door, just to ensure the message is received!

stepmooster · 24/08/2013 10:17

I can't help but wonder what kind of pandoras box will open if your DSD tells her friends she shares a bed with her dad.

It only takes one of her friends parents to think it entirely inappropriate and...

Original poster

Stepinstone · 24/08/2013 11:02

... I also think that if her mother knew, she would hit the roof....

OP posts:

wrinklyraisin · 24/08/2013 18:29

Totally inappropriate. My dsd did this at 7 and 8. I put an end to it as I feel she's too big/old for that. I wouldn't let my own child do this at age 7/8 so no way would I let my dsd. We said we love her and love cuddles but bedtime is bedtime and everyone stays in their own beds. End of.

notanyanymore · 24/08/2013 18:35

If I was her mum I'd hit the roof! Its totally inappropriate because its YOUR and DH's bed and at 14 she should respect those boundaries. She would still need to respect them even if she wasn't your STEPdaughter.

WakeyCakey · 26/08/2013 08:33

My DSD would happily get into bed with us still at almost 13. I put a stop to it when I moved in because I hated the thought of it.
She is just one of those girls that doesn't care what people think, she will walk around the house naked and DP tucks her into bed at night. It's just what they do,

Your DSD might be similar and just likes to know she's still her daddy's daughter which I think is for safety.
However I would just say to her that it won't be happening anymore, in no uncertain terms

bellabom · 26/08/2013 08:48

This is extremely weird IMO. Is she very immature? My dsd is 14 and would be horrified at the thought of this. I'm sorry to be crass but err... Morning erections? Wet patches? She MUST realise that adult beds are where sex happens??

Do you know if she sleeps in with mum?

I agree this should come from dad so you don't seem like the bad guy. It's not you that has a problem, its them!

Tittypulumpcious · 26/08/2013 19:46

I think this is something your husband should be dealing with, why is he so comfortable to still allow this and have you spoken to him about how uncomfortable it makes you?

Your bed is your private space and I believe that should be respected aged 4 or 14 if its something you're not happy about.

Dsd (9) only now gets into bed some mornings no longer at night I just wouldn't put up with it, not only did it make me feel uncomfortable but it prevented all of us from getting the rest we all needed.

I hope you're able to sort it without any drama.

ThisIsaLoooow · 26/08/2013 20:50

Oh no, this is totally wrong on so many levels! [Shock]

Petal02 · 26/08/2013 21:15

I agree. What if, heaven forbid, DSD were to let slip to a teacher that she shares a bed with her father?

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 26/08/2013 21:17

14????? Very very very very odd. And completely wrong.

Lock the door.

RandomMess · 26/08/2013 21:17

I'd be tempted to ask DSD to get back out as you fancy have a snog and cuddle with your DH, that should send her running out as quick as she can!! It certainly would with my just 11 year old, she not keen on seeing us naked anymore let alone anything else.

LookingForwardToVino · 26/08/2013 21:20

yanbu

Dp had to ease dsd out of a phase of it when she was 7. (I was new on the scene so think it may have been a bit of jealousy?)

If a 7 year old can understand why she shouldn't be sleeping with the adults I'm sure a 14 year old will too!

Xalla · 27/08/2013 09:49

My 5 yr old isn't allowed into our bed at night unless he's really, really poorly.

YAdefinitelyNBU

MarshaBrady · 27/08/2013 09:55

My 8 year old hasn't been in our bed for a long time. 3 year old gets put back in own bed unless it's near morning.

14 is too old.

WhoNickedMyName · 27/08/2013 09:59

"We have discussed this before"

Who has? You and DSD or was DH involved.

It's your DH that needs to knock this on the head, and now, today.

I actually feel so strongly that this is such an inappropriate invasion of your personal space that I would make it very clear to DH that this won't happen again, and if it does one of you will need to find another bed in another house, as you won't be sharing with them again.

Yonihadtoask · 27/08/2013 10:03

I too would feel exremely uncomfortable with this.

If she was 4 yo then I can understand, but 14?

As said upthread, DH needs to sort this though. And no excuses involving you.

QueenofallIsee · 27/08/2013 10:08

I am not a step-mum but I have a daughter from a previous marriage so my DH is a step-dad. Under no circumstances would I allow my teenager to get into bed with us. We have pile of puppy type cuddles with all the kids but what you are describing is odd in my view. Your DH needs to tackle it as (in my opinion) she is doing this (subconsciously maybe) due to feelings about her dad and you and her place in his life.

Even at the age of 4 when DH and I met and he became her Step Dad, I was careful not to compromise him or make him uncomfortable, I gave everyone privacy and enforced boundaries.

VoiceOfRaisin · 27/08/2013 10:29

whonickedmyname I don't think OP should leave the bed if it happens again. That would make the situation even more inappropriate. I still think, when she comes in, all lights instantly on, jump up and all down to the kitchen for a cup of hot chocolate before going back to (own) beds.

bigTillyMint · 27/08/2013 10:31

At 14?

Agree that your DH needs to sort this, but I would also be concerned that there is something behind this that needs dealing with.

WhoNickedMyName · 27/08/2013 10:38

Voice - I didn't say she should leave the bed.

I said she should tell her DH that he needs to find a new bed in a new home for he and his 14 year old daughter, and if he doesn't then she will.

Mojavewonderer · 27/08/2013 13:01

I would go mental if my ex was letting my 14 yr old into his bed at night! That is just so wrong! It's completely inappropriate. I do believe children's services wouldn't approve either!

JohFlow · 27/08/2013 13:13

It must be entirely intrusive to have a young person sneak into your bed during the night. What about your private/sexy time with your partner? It would certainly create intimacy issues in our house if that was happening.

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