Struggling with step parenting

[natalie49]

Hi, I am brand new to the site, and this is my first post. I visited mumsnet to see whether anybody else had similar problems to me with regards to step parenting and associated struggles. Of course you do!

This is my story (bear with me as I am not familiar with the shortcuts you use to describe relationships etc).

I have been with my husband for 9 years, married for 4.5 years. He came with baggage, 3 kids (13, 8 and 6 back in 2004) and in the throes of a messy divorce, but we survived his angst and financial pressures of getting divorced, and the kids lived with his Ex, which meant that we could get on with our own lives to a degree. He saw the kids on an adhoc basis, but he always kept a good level of contact with them, and we had them to stay occasionally.

Time has moved on of course, but not for the better. Ex wife has mental health problems which did not initially get diagnosed when the kids remained in her custody. Last year she proclaimed that she could no longer look after the 2 remaining kids in her care, social services got involved, and we were left with no option to house the 2 now teens, girl who is now 17.5, and boy is nearly 16.

I have never been a biological mother, and have found the past few months extremely hard, adjusting to having 2 moody teens in our house full time, and it is not a large house. We had to convert a double room into 2 single rooms just to accommodate them, which has cost us an arm and a leg. I really resent having them here, particularly now it is the school holidays, and am wishing the years away. SD in particular is very 2 faced and thinks she knows everything. I have been seeing a counsellor recently as I need to channel my anger and pent up frustration, as it was beginning to affect a previously rock solid marriage. I could write loads more, but really am just after a bit of advice on how to cope with this intrusion of space, lack of privacy and most of all TEENAGERS! Thanks for reading.

I personally wouldn't do their share of the housework. Their laundry is theirs. I was doing my own at 14. Can you instigate turns to cook and do chores?

You may be interested in our house rules, set up last year when dsd was 15, ds 14 and dss 12.
Basically they have to tidy up living room after use (Xbox etc)
Keep own rooms clean (hoovering, taking out litter, making and changing own bed)
DO OWN LAUNDRY, for this I bought a drier especially!!! We both taught them how to use washing machine and drier and I haven't looked back since.
Since this summer when we had dsc for a whole month (really, REALLY hard) they have been getting own breakfast, brunch, sometimes snack lunches, they look well fed!

PS
All dc take turns filling dishwasher, I.e. once a week.

Don't get me wrong, the kids do chores, ie laundry, cooking etc. that's not the issue. The issue is a lazy nearly 16 year old boy who does not surface from his room for 18 hours, so I am left to take said laundry off line. He needs a damn good kicking up the proverbial when his father is not here, he is sooooooo lazy it is unbearable.

Just leave the washing out. If he knows you won't do it he will have to. Maybe a couple of times having to rewash it after a downpour or finding a bug or two on them if its out all night may help. No offence, but you are enabling his behaviour. This particular issue isn't a SP one, its a parenting one. A lot of teens are lazy shits.

I needed to put my own on the line. It was nearly 4pm in the afternoon and the washing had been out for 24 hours. I just chucked the 2 kids washing into the basket without folding it up, which is not what I usually do, because I am nice and methodical. That doesnt get me anywhere, so now I just throw it in the basket, all creased and all.

I am not enabling his behaviour, he just doesnt have a brain, He has literally just risen, showered and now having breakfast when it is almost midday, and thats after spending all day yesterday in his bedroom. I think DSS must masturbate all day long!!!! My DH has just said something "nice" to him. I can always tell by the lovely tone of voice he reserves for his kids. We have just had an argument about money, and I told him I am about ready to jump off a cliff. I think I may have to do so soon.

I DID NOT WANT teenagers, they are shit. Especially ones you have not even brought up as your own. I think I am reaching Last Chance Saloon, even if I do love my husband. Kids are just not for me, especially when they are lazy little fkers. I love my 2 little dogs but then I raised them and taught them how to behave.

Perhaps use money from his allowance to but an airier then. Tell him he must use that as he can't be trusted to use the line.

At least you know that if you don't want DC of your own that all this will end one day. They will get their own places eventually and any kids they have will be doing the same to them one day.

Don't give them the satisfaction of jumping off a cliff FGS!!

Are you this awful about these kids in real life? Do you say these things out loud? Do you know how shocking it sounds? Yes teenagers are often lazy. They are not fuckers. They are not shit.

And it is weird to speculate that he masturbates all day. If its a joke it's unfunny.

the-whatever your nickname is - I do not say things out loud to them at all, but I am able to vent in an adult environment, thank you. DH and I have just got back from a very pleasant afternoon BBQ. It is now 8pm and DSS has not got out of his room all day. Even his sister is annoyed with with him, for not having tried to prepare something to eat, after we left instructions at 3.30pm. She has just said that dinner will be about half an hour. He has just gone back to bedroom saying "OK".

I think that he is doing something like what I mentioned earlier. After all, my husband said that he used to do that at 16 years old.

DSD has walked the dogs whilst we are out, and for that we are really grateful, and told her so. She is actually coming round to helping us now. DSS on the other hand, is a lazy little shit, and needs his butt kicking, but I will leave that to DH to deal with.

They now have burnt dinner because they did not monitor it. We have decided to let them learn by experience. At their ages, you would expect a little more common sense.

Fair play to your DSD for helping out today

Some of my DSD's friends trashed something of her Dad's last night. Fixable, but she left DP to sort it out. This was one of my rare battles I chose to pick and said I thought that was U. She knows this too.

It is not easy being a SP as you have very little say. Unlike like a parent you can't really tell them to tow the line as teens. I let a lot wash over me but I think it's unfair to turn OP into a villain. It's healthy to have a place to sound off do this doesn't spill over into RL.

Your DSS may be spending excessive time in his room because he is depressed (which would be a very natural reaction to the circumstances you say he has had to live through). He may be feeling unwelcome and uncertain, he may feel confused, angry and upset at his Mother or his Father and he may not have the tools to express his feelings and his thoughts in the way an adult would.

None of this is his fault. He is not doing you wrong by merely existing. He is 15 and he has the right to live with his parent, to act out and be a teenager and STILL be loved and valued through those years.

Yes, teenagers can be irritating, ungrateful and hard to live with. Yes, you didn't have kids so you didn't expect you would have to deal with one of the hardest phases of parenting. But you married a parent, and now you are an adult in this boy's life. That in itself means you ought to give a shit about him and consider his best interests. You can have boundaries and still be kind.

Given my own experience of a boy this age, I think he's likely spending all that time in his room because he is wanking, sleeping, texting friends and playing xbox (or similar). Not necessarily in that order. Nothing really wrong with that (make sure your DH has a talk with him and gives him a box of tissues, so you don't end up with the laundry nightmare I had when DSS was 15). But when that time in his room is cutting into the other responsibilities he has - spending a certain amount of time being sociable, basic hygiene, chores - then it is not unreasonable to be concerned about it.
You can have boundaries and still be kind, like the above poster says. How about deciding with DH exactly what the expectations of DSS are? Does he have to eat meals with the rest of the family, and which ones? (DSS gets his own breakfast and most lunches, we all eat dinner together.) When do chores need to be done, or is it just open-ended? Does he get pocket money, and is that linked to chores and/or behaviour?
What about time that he is expected to spend with the family, or in activities outside the home?
When things were toughest with the DSCs, one thing that did work was (lame as it sounds) having some family activities - the kind that are quite structured (like a board game) or that provide an opportunity for everyone to interact, but also be focused on something else (like watching a film). Avoid the activities that provide opportunities for the 'problem areas' and find ones that also provide chances to slowly move things in a more positive direction. Movie nights were good for us, because we made them 'fair' - instead of DSD continuing to choose the film, grab the comfy chair, hold the remote and yell at everyone for talking while she herself kept up a monologue, we set the room up differently, so that all the seats had advantages, DH took control of the remote, we picked films by consensus (or by DH and I giving one or two suggestions for them to choose from), and made a point of asking the kids, equally, to do things like make a pot of tea while DH or I fixed a snack. It sounds both obvious and ridiculous to have put so much thought into even the smallest aspects of a night in - but it really did end up so that now we all look forward to spending that time together.
With DSS, I insist on him spending some time with us, and coming on outings, once in a while, even if he doesn't really want to. I don't want him to spend his adolescence in his bedroom, growing farther away from us. And like I say to DH - I've never met a grown man who complains that his parents made him spend too much time with them as a teenager.

Tonight is the first time that I have felt really assertive to dealing with my DSC's. DSS had supper early as was tired after the first day back at school. He retired at 8.40pm then proceeded to make a racket upstairs, a bit like a dog who will not settle down. I know, I have 2 JRTs. Eventually, when DH and I were trying to watch a recorded programme, I just shouted please could he just calm down and go to bed, after 1 hour of frustrating noise. He did, but DH took homage and argued with me that it is not my place to do so. I explained to him that I own half the house, and pay half the bills, so I can say what I want to. DH then continues to sulk until he then goes to bed. Although it was not a pleasant end to the evening, I feel better for having vented and received a result with DSS. I do think that half if not more of the problem is with DH who is not laying down rules in the household, and it is always me that is the bad cop. I am going to continue this now, as the kids need to understand we are not, well me, going to pander to their needs.

Oh I have just been locked out of home whilst sitting in garden with iPad by DSD who is not that nice!

Your DH thinks it's not your place to tell your DSS to shut up when he's making such a racket you can't hear the TV?

No wonder you're having such a tough time of it He needs to get his act together and lay down some basic house rules for them. And you as the other adult in the house have every right to tell them when they're out of order if they are.

Purple, DH seems to have different hearing zones. My comments are daily under fire and I have to constantly tell him not to criticise me. I love him but he is doing my head in, and I am becoming very depressed. To be honest I think he is too. We have just found out that we have to fork out £2500 rail fare just for DSD, whereas her mother used to get it for free. Makes you want to give up working doesnt it? £500 per month for 2 kids to finish their education in next year. Where's fair in that??

No wonder youre so angry. Dh also used to pander to dsc, its called Disney parenting by some, all the time. I could have exploded with rage! Unfortunately I had not yet come across mn to vent... Common sense of course told me that dh was creating a catastrophic atmosphere for everybody concerned. In couple counseling he is having to listen to it from a third neutral expert party. Like you, I never said anything to the dsc, knowing how dh would react. Since the conselor has told him to create rules and boundaries to ensure his dc proper development he is v keen to do the right thing.

I have told my DP that he is creating a monster, by pandering. My (mostly lovely) DSD is 16 now and her standard reply to everything is, 'I don't want to.' I wish it worked for me!!

I've told DP that she will be unable to maintain adult relationships if he doesn't stop this now. Her standard issue reply may make him clean up after her wild party of spillages and damage to his property but it won't cut it with work or a real life partner. 'Get the people who made the mess to clean up,' was her response to me when I said she should be doing it.

DH has gone out for an hour or so but I ended cooking a nice chicken, garlic and mushroom tomato sauce with pasta and garlic bread. Its never good enough, i might as well die and go to heaven. The little b's never appreciates
what you do and she is little miss righteous, I actually dont like her at all as she rises above her station all the time!

I have just told DH I am leaving, cos he won't listen to lots of things I am trying to tell him about. Sad, cos its 9 days from the first time we met 9 years ago. I would rather live on my own than argue every night and always get pushed down and walked out on. I have really tried to be reasonable, but he never wants to listen. The kids can hear, I am sure. He blames me for everything, when I am the one who says lets go to joint counselling. He agrees then puts me down for various reasons. I used to really love him, even a week ago, but he has changed all that now. He can Sod off into the distance with his kids, I'll take the dogs.

And he pisses out of the lounge to go to bed. I am beginning to really hate him at present.

I have tea envy, Reluctant!! Sounds lush. Mine's being a cock too. Fancy a flatshare with me and my cat? :)

Yes Fackinell, that sounds good, but where do you live? That is a major factor, and could your cat stand 2 Jack Russels? :-) I noticed on another post that you are SE, me too!

I have just told DH I am leaving, cos he won't listen to lots of things I am trying to tell him about.
Oh, dear. It's really awful, isn't it. I'm sorry.
Have you and DH spoken about it since?