Struggling with step parenting

[natalie49]

Hi, I am brand new to the site, and this is my first post. I visited mumsnet to see whether anybody else had similar problems to me with regards to step parenting and associated struggles. Of course you do!

This is my story (bear with me as I am not familiar with the shortcuts you use to describe relationships etc).

I have been with my husband for 9 years, married for 4.5 years. He came with baggage, 3 kids (13, 8 and 6 back in 2004) and in the throes of a messy divorce, but we survived his angst and financial pressures of getting divorced, and the kids lived with his Ex, which meant that we could get on with our own lives to a degree. He saw the kids on an adhoc basis, but he always kept a good level of contact with them, and we had them to stay occasionally.

Time has moved on of course, but not for the better. Ex wife has mental health problems which did not initially get diagnosed when the kids remained in her custody. Last year she proclaimed that she could no longer look after the 2 remaining kids in her care, social services got involved, and we were left with no option to house the 2 now teens, girl who is now 17.5, and boy is nearly 16.

I have never been a biological mother, and have found the past few months extremely hard, adjusting to having 2 moody teens in our house full time, and it is not a large house. We had to convert a double room into 2 single rooms just to accommodate them, which has cost us an arm and a leg. I really resent having them here, particularly now it is the school holidays, and am wishing the years away. SD in particular is very 2 faced and thinks she knows everything. I have been seeing a counsellor recently as I need to channel my anger and pent up frustration, as it was beginning to affect a previously rock solid marriage. I could write loads more, but really am just after a bit of advice on how to cope with this intrusion of space, lack of privacy and most of all TEENAGERS! Thanks for reading.

I have massively bribed DN!

Ledkr if you work with troubled adopted teens, would you like to take a look at this. Scroll down and look for the fostering link. It's my SIL and their foster twins. It shows what you can do with love.

No probs Brdgrl.

I did a little oooh at the looney and sluttish comment too tbh but OP does sound extremely stressed and angry. When I'm pissed off with DP he can be the biggest twat I've ever met and the love of my life the very next day. So not assuming that she's a nasty person. Just reaching the end of her rope.

I didn't see much about the area of France you live in OP. are there any cafes or pubs near by that you could escape to with your laptop for an hour or so? Some people don't like that but I've never had a problem having a quiet coffee or glass of wine on my own with a newspaper. May do your head good to escape.

Not sure how you are financially but my DFIL has just built himself a small summer house to escape from his DP when he wants time out.
Or your DSC could use it as a project with DF to make a den to use.

Thanks under doggy I will do.
I'm not sure the op lives in France but is on holiday.
Again I may be wrong.
I really hope I am about her saying stuff outloud to the kids.

No, I'm probably getting confused

I don't think it matters whether you say it out loud - teens are not fools, they know when they're not wanted. that's why I think the OP needs to make peace with the situation and work on strategies to make life easier for everyone. Effort goes a long way.

If DN is being awful I retreat to my room. I have to say we are lucky to be fairly well off and when things got really hard we moved to a much bigger house. Not sharing a bathroom any more is a big relief.

Not sharing a bathroom any more is a big relief.
When we decided to move in together, I told DH we'd have to find a place where we could have our own bathroom. He laughed and told me to keep dreaming - but we got really lucky with finding a place and among other things I have my own bathroom and a tiny office (I do most of my work from home). I really can't overstate the joy of not sharing with the teens.

Of course, we just found out that we have to move... there it goes. :(

I agree. I should downsize now the kids are fewer but I can't face losing my attic room with lovely ensuite.

I wouldn't mind sharing a bathroom with DSD, she's immaculately clean but DP.... Hmmmm. Too hairy and doesn't clean the toilet bowl!!

Hi Natalie, I have only just come across this thread and have read every post on here.

I cannot add further to the excellent constructive advice, it is thorough and really makes sense. I just want to add a few comments, if I may.

Sometimes the "noise" gets in the way and it blocks the situation, preventing any hope existing that there is light at the end of the tunnel. By noise, I mean the confusion, hurt and frustration. Feelings become increasingly negative, its a vicious negative cycle. It is missing the point to judge you as a "bad person", and i think that has been recognised by other posters. I sense that you venting on here is probably the first release valve you have had to the pressure cooker of your life. It doesnt make you good or bad, it sounds like you are just finding it soooo tough knowing how to deal with and relate to a couple of teenager who sound remarkably normal, to be honest. You have recognised they are young, naive and dont know everything. I have a funny Simon Drew card which says something along the lines of

"Advice to Teenagers: are you tired of being harrassed by your stupid parents? Act now! Move out and pay your own bills.... While you still know everything!!"

My belief about making step parenting work tends to have two themes that crop up very often - its about the step parent having the backing and support of the partner to set reasonable disciplinary boundaries, and about feeling a sense o f control, in a positive healthy way, that you have choices about the situation.

Firstly, it is critical that the Step parent has the emotional backing of the parent, and visibly, to the children. This should manifest itself, not by ganging up on the children, but ensuring where discipline is needed, both parent and step parent speak with a united voice about what needs to happen. Young people need, in fact want loving boundaries, it shown they are Cared about. It cannot happen if the SP does it and the parent is lax, indulgent and trest their children like "their mates" aka Disney parenting. It doesnt guarantee that the Children will automatically love the step parent back but it keeps those healthy boundaries, keeps order in the home and a bonus might just be that respect will be built. Big caveat here... It takes a lot of time patience and motivation of both parents to do this, working together. If the step parent doesnt feel able or willing to invest emotionally, they are unlikely to be giving it a fair chance to improve. My assumption is that Maybe you are currently too angry, and feel hate, rather than being able to allow yourself any positive emotions (agreed, you may have good reasons, it is your choice) you just want to distance yourself - this is not a judgement just an observation. If you felt that some counselling is appropriate, it could help you to remove the "noise" the unhelpful emotions and start to create a strategy with your husband to regain control.

Which brings me to the matter of control, another key aspect. In this context I mean, that you have some sense of regaining control that you lost when your DHs children came to live with you due to the adverse circumstances of the children's mother. I agree your words used to describe mental health are not appropriate, but taken within the context of your situation, your anger and frustration have been manifested with those scathing words. Someone i dont think you have met or had any relationship with has effectively put a bomb under you life and it is you who is picking up the pieces.

I think that for your own sanity, it would help if you can take the two above themes (united front with your husband + regaining control ) along as a starting point for counselling. Maybe now you have got to the end of your tether, its time to reset the clock and wipe the slate clean and take small steps towards a more positive future. Focus on a few achieveable goals so you at least get some respect from your DSCs if nothing else. You are the adult, in fairness they are still children in terms of emotional maturity!

Only you can decide how much motivation you have, but if you have come to Mumsnet I assume you DO want to try something right?

Dear Daisychain

I de-registered from this site as I was on holiday, and to be fair, some posters on here made me feel very depressed, or should I say more depressed! I have come back as I wanted to thank you for your words of wisdom. I showed my DH the whole thread, and it did open his eyes as to how much pain I am going through, and we have agreed to try a different stance, although the holiday was not a happy memory for me, probably one of the worst I have ever experienced.

To put the record straight on one thing you said; I have met his Ex on several occasions, she is not a nice person, even if she does have mental health issues. She tried to make my DH bankrupt, she refused to accept that she could not look after the children 6-7 years ago, and it was only when the Police and Social Workers got involved this time last year, that she finally admitted defeat. She hides behind religion as an excuse for her faults, illness and behaviour in general. I don't care what you and other posters think about my description of her. Had my love for DH not been so strong for 9 years now, then she would have been the cause of our split long ago. He left her to avoid spiralling into depression himself, and her diagnosis was not then known. She then accused me, to her childrens' face, of being an adultress with her husband. Thankfully, they saw through that, as they knew how bad living with her actually was, and what lies she was capable of.

Anyway I wont dwell on her any longer, other than to say that her inability to admit years ago that she did not want the children living with her is what I am now paying for, at a time when I should be enjoying life as a middle-aged adult. I am wishing the days away until the Kids go back to school/college. All they do is loiter around the house all day, and I am not used to it. I work from home. I have my study door shut, and feel like a prisoner in my own house. Luckily we do have a large "attic" bedroom with its own ensuite, but I do not see why I should retreat there for some peace and sanity when I do not want them sat in the same room as me.

There is plenty more I could say, everybody has their own story to tell after all, but I think I have written enough for the time being.

To clarify it for you, I think posters are objecting to the use of the word 'looney' to describe mental health issues rather than defending the individual you are describing.

I would add my voice to the others pointing out that these children almost certainly pick up on your hostility toward them. This must feel very frightening to them as they now find themselves dependent on you and their father to guide them, look after their interests and protect them.

I think counselling is an excellent and positive step for you. I hope you manage to find a way to manage your frustration, good luck.

To the most recent poster, lets move off the "looney" phrase shall we. That woman has been in my life for almost 9 years and has for the utmost caused nothing but pain to the whole extended family. She used to abandon the kids and go to a "Retreat" to meditate, without as much of a word of warning, and we were always left to pick up the pieces - for 8 years - hence my contempt for her.

I do not think the kids are "frightened" of their situation, just ungrateful for what we have provided for them at short notice. Also at almost 16 and 18, I think I have a right to not warm to them, when they are so hormonal and have lived such an unstructured life for 9 years, when I have always been very organised and in control of my life, and they do not slot into my life very easily. Raised eyes is the latest trick of DSD (nearly 18). She is very impetuous and we do not get on, its as simple as that.

I do not rant at them, infact, I am just polite, without getting too involved, and only interact when it suits them. I could say distance myself, but no I just do not engage because simply put, they do not endear themselves to me. I am a very sociable and outgoing person and it pains me to have to bite my tongue in my own house.

I am currently seeing a counsellor who is very good, but that has been a few weeks now due to holidays etc. He wont see my husband, so I may have to find a new counsellor who will see us both, which is not ideal therefore I am stalling at present.

OK, DH working from home today, which means we both are. I mentioned DSS being very loud at midnight last night - I was watching a Bridget Jones film, as I had had an intensive committee meeting to do with Amateur Dramatics, which I am heavily involved in, and was winding down with a glass of wine whilst DH went to bed at 10.30. At Midnight, when the film ended, it sounded like world war 3 upstairs but I didnt say anything to DSS and went to bed.

Mentioned it to DH this morning, who had a quiet word with DSS about the disruption to the household. DSS said he hadnt realised he was making a load of noise, but then it is all about the computer games he plays and didnt realise they were noisy. I was told by DH that I should have said something at the time rather than leave it so many hours, as it was disruptive behaviour for me, but he hadnt heard anything as fast asleep. Sorry, I do not see it as my place to do so - yet!

Also, DSD has been to Reading Festival over the weekend and come back with a stinking cold, and must have heard her brother making a racket last night, as their rooms are side by side. If she said anything to him, she did not mention it, and now has gone to a party for the best part of the evening. DSS is also going out for the whole night tonight, hurrah, a bit of peace for me and DH.

I feel really sorry for everyone in the OPs family including the OP. It is very sad that everyone of them must be hurting.
It is definitely not a short term problem, university holidays are long and a lot of young adults return to their home after finishing their degrees.

I think it's in the OPs best interests to try and make the 'children' feel secure and welcome in the family home. I am not sure exactly when the 'children' moved in but it seems like it is VERY early days. It is a huge upheaval for everyone and I can't imagine it would be possible to do without problems. Everyone must be feeling very unsettled.

I hope the OP finds useful advice on this thread.

OP, I think you're expecting too much for teenagers to be grateful that their father has given them a home - he isn't doing them a favour, he has a duty towards them.

Do you think you would feel happier moving out of the family home and seeing your DH at your house or out? Having your own space to work etc? It isn't that unusual these days for couples to be together but live apart. You are so miserable and angry at the moment and those children shouldn't have to live with someone who hates them either - it must be a horrible environment for everyone at the moment.

OP, I think you're expecting too much for teenagers to be grateful that their father has given them a home - he isn't doing them a favour, he has a duty towards them.

Given their ages and the fact that Soc Serv were involved, the DCs would have had some options open to them - it is by no means inevitable that late-teen DCs who have had ad-hoc contact with their father for 9 years will be housed with him.

I accept that the DCs may not have welcomed any of the options open to them, but having decided that living with their father was the 'least unfavourable' option, it is not unreasonable to expect young adults to behave appropriately.
Of course, appropriate behaviour is taught by parents, and in the absence of a positive role model while growing up, the OPs DSC are likely to be immature socially and possibly emotionally.
That is incredibly hard to live with - the OP has to suspend all social expectation within her own home and accommodate what is generally regarded as rude, ungrateful, unacceptable behaviour in the one place she should be able to reasonably expect to be safe from it.

Lethologica
They moved in with us in Feburary, this after SEVERAL months of negotiation with Social workers, Ex wife and her mother (the latter being to reclaim the maintenance of £1K per month that they wanted to retain), plus £6-7K of building maintenance and furniture buying.

Yes it is a true upheaval for everybody concerned. The Teens have taken to it like a duck to water. They just wanted a secure homestead, and now have it, they are not complaining. They do show ingratitude, although we do have to throw tasks at them like emptying the dishwasher, emptying waste baskets in their bedrooms and bathroom, hoovering, washing their bed covers, even cleaning cars, in order to stop being in room 24/7 and in order to earn their pocket money (more for younger one than older one). Constant reminders that this is not an hotel and we need everyone to pull rank, rather than let Dad and SM do all the hard work. They have not had this before. Their mother never educated them in the way of life.

Hettiene
I am not moving out of our home - DH and I built this home and pay for this together. We have lived in harmony for 8 years, this situation is not going to change that. If I did move out, it would be for good, and that is not something I want. I am miserable because this whole situation has been thrust upon me, and the logical answer that you all seem to be telling me is to move out and leave my husband. I am not that spineless. It would appear that a few posters on here would choose that as the easy alternative. Somewhere in my manifesto it says that I love my husband to bits, and could not leave him or live without him. What is there to understand?

I have gone from zero to 100 in 5 minutes in having to try and live with "fully fledged" teenagers full-time, try and understand my position. Its like having house guests who you can not ask to leave. Say what you want, however the real crux of this is that my life has changed into something I did not want. If the children think I hate them then they can go back and live with their mother. They still go there regularly, so they have the choice. And the choice they made is that they live here. Doesn't that tell you something about the life choices they had before? Not once have they said to their Father that they are fed up living with us and would rather return to a mother who does not nurture them, does not have any food in the house, and sleeps all day. Does not do any housework....I could go on adinfinitum.......

China

I posted my message at the same time as you and didnt see your very worthwhile comment. You are totally right, that is exactly the situation, and that is where it hurts.

No child should have to feel grateful that their father didn't have them put into care!

No child should have to feel grateful that their father didn't have them put into care!

In my experience their father would have been only one of the parties involved in the decision regarding the DCs future - in the case of the older DC, they could have been the option of supported independent living, and lets not forget these DCs have an adult sibling with whom they may well have a closer relationship than their dad.

Your simplistic assumption that dad had two choices - the DCs live with him or go into care - suggests you have little experience of the system. It wouldn't be unusual for the younger DC to still have an active Social Worker tp monitor welfare and may even have 'looked after' status alongside Mum and Dad, because of the very limited relationship they have previously had with their (now) primary carers.

it strikes me that sometimes the best advice isn't always the kindest.

yes having motherhood thrust upon you is extremely difficult. you loose much freedom and other people now come first much if not all of the time.

but that's the whole point. yes this is difficult for you but your feelings can't possibly come first here, not if either you or your dh want to do right but two very needy kids.

Having a vulnerable child or young adult in the care of a parent is infinitely preferable than supported living. they are in the right place.

With great respect for what you are going through your attitude is all wrong to make it work. It's not working for you and you are hanging on because you're not prepared to give up on what you had. That has already gone.

you need space. tbh your dh probably also needs space, he needs to do what is needed with his kids. he cannot and should not be having to deal with your problems with the situation right now.

that doesn't make him able to be a great partner. it does make a great dad. either you need to respect that, suck up your discomfort and put the kids first. or get out before it destrroys your husbands respect for you.

Yes you can always afford to live apart it just may require different lifestyle expectations. but one way or another you can't avoid that anyway.

Paper lantern

I think you have misunderstood some of my issues.

I haven't lost my freedom, I still have a car, and social activities/hobbies.

The Teens do not come first, my DH is more reasonable than that, he is starting to support the difficulties I am having with learning to live with 2 extra nearly adults in a house that has challenging communal areas.

The Teens are not vulnerable - they lead a normal life in their own way. They would never have been subjected to supported living whilst there was still a competent parent to look after them.

Yes I need space, that is the main issue. DH doesn't involve himself with the kids that much as they have their own agenda and does not need to chauffeur them around that much, they catch the train or bus.

I am not putting the Teens first, they are not babies, and my DH does not expect me to.

I am not living apart from my DH, understand that please. Teens have to learn how to live to our style, not the other way round.

My issue is, please listen, is that I didn't ask to be a full time SM to 2 fully grown hormonal semi- adults, who need to be tutored daily, and now that I have to have them in my life full time, it is making me very frustrated.

Suck up my discomfort?? No, I will not, but thanks for the advice. My husband respects me btw, cos he is a very decent man, and knows that our current situation is a joint problem, not just mine.

OP, Realistically what do you think could be done to make this situation work? I am sure that if the kids morphed into polite, grateful and helpful teenagers it would help but unfortunately that is simply not going to happen? I also doubt whether your DH is suddenly going to start 'disciplining' them?
Do you think you will be able to ever stop hating them? They are not going to go away and willbe part of your DHs life forever.

if he is a decent man he won't put up with your attitude for long. it isn't a positive attitude for his kids. they do not have to adapt to you, you all have to adapt to each other

yes if they have come from so bad a home situation they have been through the care process they are vulnerable. if you can't take that as a base line point of understanding you are the wrong person to be a part of their first line care

a decent man always puts his kids first